Hi guys and welcome back to Below Deck Mediterranean!! Are you excited? I AM! I hear we’ve got a boatload of new crew AND a new boat, woo hoo! Let’s find out who we’re dealing with, after the break.

We’ve got a BUNCH of new crew this time, only Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier

and deckhand Bobby Giancola

have returned from last season, here are our new peeps! Starting with Captain Sandy Yawn, who doesn’t understand why people think it’s weird that a woman is driving the boat. “Professionalism is everything” to Captain Sandy and I like her already!

Chef Adam Glick, who gets what he wants because he’s the chef. Un huh. I like how someone asks him if he’s single and he answers “something like that” because that’s a clear sign, ladies!

He looks like Slade from OG RHOC

Christine “Bugsy” Drake is 2nd Stew; trust her, she’s a doctor! Sort of, but really just a ray of sunshine. 

Lauren Cohen is a former NFL cheerleader but NOT a floozy, so don’t be trippin

Malia White, the new GORGEOUS deckhand, wow! She’s not looking for anything serious, fanks, and goodonya!

Max Hagley is one of the new deckhands; he has a teeny tiny head on a big beefy body and is English, I fink. He has no experience, but lots of confidence, so I thought American, but no…

 Bosun Wesley Walton is only 25 and who HAS to be South African, I’d know that accent anywhere. 5 bucks!

They’re in Croatia, which I’ve heard is beautiful, but also where Game of Thrones is filmed. Technically, Game of Thrones is filmed in many places, but sure! Take it, Below Deck Med!

Hannah is the first to arrive pre-charter; she’s been to Croatia for a music festival, she thinks…sounds like a good time! Oh no, I was wrong, Captain Sandy is already there, she’s been a yacht captain for 27 years, wow. She doesn’t look old enough to have worked almost 3 decades.

It’s just them at first; Captain Sandy wants to get to know her Chief Stew since they’ll be working closely. She tells Hannah she doesn’t micro-manage but she will be observing as she has a reputation to maintain in the industry. Hannah tells us she hated working for the last female captain she was asea with; let’s just flip that and reverse it so we can see how stupid that sounds.

Hannah worked for a male captain before; he was a micro-manager and lacked self-awareness so she’s sure hoping she doesn’t have to deal with that again.

What the FECK does the captain’s gender have to do with their ability to run a yacht? Was anything Hannah said something that applies to women only? Did I miss a tampon reference?

Time to meet the rest of the crew! Hannah’s digging Adam’s vibe already, I think it’s hilarious that he literally lives in a van, possible down by a river. We get half a dozen pictures of said swanky van and then Adam asks Captain Sandy if she’s the first mate.

Is this really that weird? Are there no female yacht captains out there? He’s MORTIFIED

Bobby and Lauren arrive; he got some braces! Which he shows us because oral bacteria doesn’t exist and don’t fly around when someone does that

And he actually dated Lauren, that’s how Hannah met her previously. Oh boy. LOOKIT THE BACK OF THE BOAT!!!

Man I wish I was a zillionaire instead of just incredibly charming and witty. Bugsy is very pretty, and another South African; she’s taking a break from Chief Stewing to be Hannah’s backup, that’s good news that they have two experienced people aship. I think this is Lauren’s first kick at the can.

Adam’s already working his game; he also thinks Malia is uncommonly pretty, especially for a deckhand. Coz he’s known a lot of them

Bobby also has functional vision; he’s in trouble already over Malia from Hawaii. And I was so right, Wesley IS also South African, woo hoo! He and Bugsy went to school together and maaay have made out but I don’t care unless someone was hanging from the roof by metal hoops, boooorring!

Pep talk from the Captain to crew: welcome to the Sirocco, don’t drink, I won’t be an asshole unless you deserve it and I don’t care what you did on your last boat AND I’VE BEEN CHASED BY PIRATES. Go team!

It’s 18 and a half hours until charter; Captain Sandy calls Hannah up to the bridge to ask if everything is going to be done in time. Hannah does her usual stare at the floor and mutter through her teeth because she doesn’t know how to TALK TO PEOPLE, the Captain freaks her out by saying she’ll jump in and help.

Hannah is even MORE freaked out; she would never hand over a cleaning caddy to a male captain for them to help and sigh. Headbang Headbang Headbang.

It’s not sexist that you wouldn’t offer a cleaning caddy to a male captain, Hannah, but it’s probably sexist that the male captains would never think to jump in and help like that. Captain Mark and Captain Lee like to draw very clear boundaries about who does the cleaning aship (LIKE NOT THEM EVER) and I think it speaks very well to Captain Sandy’s leadership that she’s willing to get in there and lead by example. Imagine a utopia where we didn’t try to prove how important we were by the stuff we made other people do but refused to do ourselves.

Side note: I am suddenly single at an advanced age and have been learning so much stuff my head is spinning: guess who fixed an air compressor, got a drill and put together a bed? YEAH I DID!

Captain Sandy is obsessed with her crew getting enough sleep.

Bobby and Malia visit while cleaning up the back area; both single, baby! And I think both interested, woo hoo!

It’s pre-charter meeting time and I am ‘CITED! The Tribe is coming to Sirocco; Melissa Rountree is one of the fitness enthusiast Primaries; we’ve also got Marzia Prince, Fiona-Lise Cersosimo and Sharon Demko. There was one more but I couldn’t make it out.

Adam’s already sweating, these guests have locked themselves out of all the fun stuff in life: no gluten, eggs, meat, shellfish or dairy. Man. Dye-free painted styrofoam it is, ladies. These guests are early forties high maintenance to a T. I once went on a road trip with the exact same; I wish the crew luck. Just keep bringing shots and pretending to card them.

THERE IS A FULL GYM ON THE DECK!!!

Wes seems all right, I’ll give him a chance, he says he isn’t the smartest of people but good with his hands and knowing you’re not the smartest is prolly hella better than NOT knowing you’re not the smartest. I like him already. Plus he’s into safety

Hannah calls a quick stew meeting; she’s not threatened by Bugsy’s chief stewing, nor is she daunted by Lauren’s lack of yachting experience, but I’m sure she’ll find a reason to talk about both lots and lots. 17 and a half hours until charter!

Get ready for lots of boat pics! LOOKIT THE SIROCCO AT NIGHT!!

AND THEN THE LIGHTS!!

Meanwhile, the Captain wants Hannah to go to bed and get good sleep but there’s all this mess still, so she can’t.

Bobby’s been messing up Wes’s name all day, calling him Wiz because of Wes’s accent, which must be like looking in a mirror

Guest arrival time! Trouble on the hoof!

Bobby, shaddup about cougars. Just…shut up. And this hair thing made me laugh out loud

Captain Sandy introduces the guests to the professional and sexy staff (for reals) then it’s boat tour time! Lots of wood this time, not as many peni on the walls.

🙁

LOOKIT THE GYM!!

Time to raise anchor and be off to sea! Bobby blames last season on being distracted by a girl; um, Bravo, we’re not gonna always see this much of Big Bobby Clobber this season are we? He keeps trying to be funny in interview and well

First meal time! The guests have already dressed for dinner, everyone looks lovely and the Captain would like a plate brought to the bridge, fanks. Adam’s doing a weird thing, he’s putting a post-it note on each plate noting their dietary restrictions. ON the plate. He’s taking a pack of post-it notes out of a drawer and putting it on the plate he intends to use to feed paying strangers. Is he a line cook? Has he worked on a boat before? Does he know from beef cheeks?

Okay, maybe he has worked on boats, apparently Eddie Vedder’s wife once threw an octopus at him and told him to cook it. He did and got a standing ovation but I am CONFUSED. Isn’t Eddie Vedder an anti-greed crusader? He’s like a hippie, in it to win good vibes for the universe and he has a partner who acts like a spoiled affluent toddler?

The guests love the first meal, hyper-customized as it is, post-it notes safely removed in transit. Hugs between Hannah and Adam all around. Let’s remember how they are right now, right at the beginning when everything seems possible and they don’t hate each other yet.

We have a bit of an actual boat emergency; there are high winds and the anchor is dragging. Captain Sandy has been keeping an eye on it, time to haul it up and move away from the looming rocks. She goes up and explains what’s happening to the guests, she’s totally chill and they seem to dig it.

I am not digging the captain’s vibe with the guests; I can’t put my finger onnit but it’s almost like she’s sexy-times Captain Johnny Fever and there is only ONE Johnny Fever.

Lauren cuts herself in the kitchen, but Adam’s careful care means she’ll be hanging out in the galley as much as possible. I get why people think he’s cute, he just seems hella slimy. His eyes are too bright. ALSO

Max and Bobby are gossiping about the female crew members; Max has his eye on Lauren so Bobby gives him the 411. Apparently Lauren screwed up their “relationship”, sure, Bobby. *jack-off motion* Max just wanted to know about the banging anyway.

The next round of food is up! So tiny. So pretty

And then *gasp* , while Bugsy looks on in horror, Adam cooks the fish in butter, which is against the guests’ dietary restrictions but truly god’s work. They love it! Hannah does not love Captain Sandy calling down every once in a while to see if there’s anything she can help with.

The guests are chilling now, they want a big blanket and many, many drinks. Several decaf espresso martinis later, the gluten-free, dairy-free vegetarians want meat nachos, peez. Hannah knows this type; order a garden salad with dressing on the side for supper then come 3am: “first bitches at the f*cking kebab stand!” True story.

Let’s wake up Adam! He is very confused about the request for meat nachos: what happened to the preference sheet??

I love that the guests are up working out first thing in the morning; I find it impossible to sleep in and that gym is gorgeous. It’s all breathtaking!! Except the Master, no likey

Half of the crew is getting the beach picnic ready, the other half is sorting out water toys. I kind of get why Hannah is freaking out, having the Captain right there over your shoulder has to be unnerving. She’s lurking over the deck crew and the water toys for right now, enjoy the break Hannah!

So Captain Sandy decides to teach and train Malia on the tender while on charter. While the interior crew is waiting for food to be brought over in said tender. Now the guests and food are coming over at the same time, which is exactly the wrong call. You don’t want to be fussing with saran wrap and trying to make things look pretty while your guests watch; that’s all behind the curtain shite. But that’s what we got!I don’t see when there would be time to train her any other time, I guess, but still: not awesome for the crew on the beach and not optimum for the guests.

And now we get the promo for the rest of the season, looks about par for the course annnnd we’re out! What did you think? I have to relax on my snap judgements; I just met Adam so I shouldn’t decide he’s creepy already. Ditto Captain Sandy, but I have my eye on both…it’s not great that Bugs and Adam are already butting heads; I’m over Bugs’ table arrangements already. There are only so many glass bead / starfish setups I can take. 

I do like how we’re getting a good look behind the scenes of the actual running of the boat, usually the Captains fcuk off upstairs to sip tea and we don’t see them much. Captain Sandy is much more involved. Until next time, cheers!