Hi guys!! I am TalksTooMuch, aka TTM and I am so excited that OG Below Deck is back! It looks like lots is going on, I can’t wait to see how Kelley explains his return and meet all the new crew! I’ve been recapping Below Deck for two years, you can find last Below Deck Med recaps on this site starting here and OG Below Deck recaps here. Rolling S4:E1 after the break:

Captain Lee is STOKED! He’s upgraded his old-timey-isms from 1950 to 1980. Woo hoo, Skinny Kenny Rogers!

Kate thinks she’s being punished

As usual, Kelley’s been working out

Ben looks totes adorbs

Trevor is new!

Ohhhh and he has a strong case of Unfortunate Face mixed with a strain of Crossed Eyes, the likes of which have not been seen on television together since In Living Colour.

Nico is also new and cute as a button

Lauren’s a deckhand who sweats a lot – TMI, Lauren, just TMI

2nd Stew Emily is… English, horny and has Olivia Colman’s teeth from Fleabag

Sierra is 3rd Stew and she’s gooooorrrgeous, into yoga and smiling that big Murican smile

There’s a quick guest montage and it looks like Penis Towel Dean is back and really? REALLY? Dude needs a hobby. Looks like none of his reality show pitches are going through.

We open in Tortola in the British Virgin Islands. WHO ARE THE GUESTS??? I am far too invested and way ahead, too, crew are only just arriving! Kate is first to be greeted by Captain Lee, looking around it’s very 80s, this new boat, isn’t it? Valor! So white

Kate reviews the CVs of the new stews, she and I are SO GLAD there is no Rocky / Raquel this season.

Kelley arrives next. He’s been promoted to Bosun and that means no Eddie?? He has a lot to prove and I’m surprised, really. I thought he was a meathead deckhand (with a massive penis that he liked to take pictures of) and now he’s been bumped up? I always wonder if there’s a slightly less camera-friendly actual crew member standing by. Kate’s heard from Amy that Kelley’s been studying and is determined to impress Captain Lee, so I guess we’ll see.

Emily arrives next. Kelley likes the cut of her tiny Swift-y-esque jib and he thinks he might have trouble keeping it in his pants, especially after 4 months of no sex. CRY ME A RIVER, BUDDY. I can see how he’d have trouble keeping that giant cack below deck, make sure you order his shorts extry wide in the thigh, Kate!

Nico from Chicago shows up next, he’s been yachting since 18. Lauren wanders in, she’s Australian, from Melbourne! Woo hoo! Some of my very best friends are in that area! Holy shite, she was a SCUBA instructor on Richard Branson’s yacht!

Unfortunate Trevor is next up. He’s Senior Deckhand and he would totally choose himself for a boss. Now Ben!! I love his laugh, it’s so awesome. He was on Valor before, 12 years ago as a day worker and how cool is that?

He goes to find Kate, then wanders about; this is huge boat! I don’t like it yet, too white and new wave looking. I like wood

Kelley’s checking out the gym (not enough weights), asking Kate if she’s seeing anyone? She is dating, but only just started. Her girlfriend’s name is Relle (like on your birth certificate, your name is Relle?) and Kate doesn’t like labels, yo. Nor should she, it’s impossible to say who we’ll fall in love with and just because people sometimes have innies and sometimes have outties: why lock that down? It’s about love, y’all

Trevor is already flexing as Senior Deckhand, he walks like a T-Rex. Tiny arms, tiny arms! The rest of the crew is like: whut?

Provisioning time! We get a promo for Liquid Yacht Wear (WHERE’S MAH CHEQUE???) so that might figure later.

Ben has pretty much the same reaction to Kelley I did when he found out that Kelley is the Bosun

It’s 20 hours until charter, but we’re down a stew. Sierra Storm (TOTAL porn name!) is missing, where is she?

Senior Deckhand Trevor gives us a rundown of his past; he was a professional surfer and a hair model for Paul Mitchell (I checked, big sunglasses and a beard covered most of the worst) and used to be a Bosun.

Emily’s been in yachting for two and a half years, she’s from the UK like Ben so they bond over attending posh schools.

Captain meeting! Sierra didn’t make the plane so they’ll be down a person for the first charter. Captain Lee gives everyone his plane tickets speech; he’d like to break a record and not give out any this year! Less camera-friendly Barry and Larry will be sailing the boat, just don’t be a dickhead and all will be well.

Kate thinks Emily will do fine, I think Emily looks like a confused mouse with regrettable eyebrows, but nobody asked me.

Kelley’s just so interested in everyone’s dating status, isn’t he? Nico just started hanging out with someone, Trevor’s single (big surprise) as is Lauren. She compares herself to a Pringle, “once you pop, you can’t stop!”

Pre-Charter Meeting! There will be 8 ladies; Primary is Allison Brettschneider, who owns her own clothing line and other guests include: Lauren Staley, Laine Burtock, Carly Fairclough and Kelsey Merghart who are Instagram Friends, but have never met. Kate is aghast, the one rule of meeting friends on Instagram is to “never say you met on Instagram.” Gawww

It’s a bit of a mixed bag when it comes to food preferences, lots of conflicting dislikes, so Ben will have his hands full. Kelley is just HOPING he has his hands full with guest Kelsey, even though he gave a rousing speech just earlier about how the crew better not interact with the guests. Maybe he just meant that for THEM. Ben calls it HashtagNightmare and I’m not hashtagging that

Trevor is flexing on deck, Lauren and Nico are already chafing and this will be a long season if Trevor’s our villain. I want KATE to be evil, she does it better than anyone! But she looks happy now and I *guess* that’s fine. Whatever

Kate and Emily are talking about relashies; Kate tells that timeworn tale of the first time someone dates someone of their own sex after only dating opposites. We were hanging, I didn’t want to give her the wrong idea…and then I jumped HER. The guys have almost a literal penis-measuring contest, while they try to figure out who has worked on the biggest boat (Nico with 67 whopping meters – alllmost as big as Kelley), but that’s okay because Trevor totally threw his shite out of the top bunk, so they’re even.

Kate’s impressed that Emily is rolling with the crew member down sitch; she trusts Emily’s judgement already. Ben’s pissed that he’s missing 4 pounds of spinach from provisions, a spinach smoothie *herk* is Primary Allison’s favourite thing! It shows up, so calm down, Popeye!

Guest arrival time! Primary Allison is friendly and clearly in between hair appointments, this is gonna be fun! I love all-female charters, remember Kathy Smith and her awesome gang in Below Deck Med?

Kelley just stares at Kelsey and that would be a confusing couple name to have to make up. The guests get a tour of the boat, they love it! Meh: too modern

So! Much! Heavy! Luggage! Trevor is COVERED in sweat and we’re all extremely grateful when the Captain calls for the crew to change clothes. I don’t know if I’m in love with the light grey colour of the dress shirts, we’ll see how it goes.

Guests settling montage; I would love to go on a yacht just so someone else could unpack my suitcase, wash my clothes after I wear them, then repack them. That sounds like HEAVEN! Or like what EVERY SINGLE OTHER UNGRATEFUL BASTAGE IN MY HOUSEHOLD GETS every day.

The guests are Instagraming the food, of COURSE, there’s *record scratch* no gluten, right? No and no soy either! What they REALLY want is WiFi!

Sierra calls just then, she’s in Tortola and she’s ready to come help! Trevor’s so weeeeeiiiiirddddd, using his toes to measure equadistance on the deck chairs.

The guests are going to Willy Ts for lunch, er, aren’t they eating right now? They get a free drink for taking their tops off and excuse me: you get a lot more than ONE drink for taking your top off in a bar.

Emily asks Ben how he feels about Kate dating a woman now, he thinks it’s wiiiiiillld. Privately, just between us viewers and him, he thinks women can’t change their sexuality, it’s not like flipping a switch, is it? Sexuality is a spectrum, young Ben. Taste the rainbow.

The guests start stripping off, we have pixellated boobs! I repeat! Pixellated boobs! Someone’s getting a free drink or 8!

Sierra Storm (sooo porn-y) arrives just then, she looks like a guest, doesn’t she? Oh jesus, she’s only been in yachting for 3 months and was raised by biker hippies, which means she’s the Rocky / Raquel this season. Guess who’s excited to see her? Yes, Kelley! But also Trevor. Kate doesn’t understand why Sierra’s so nice; Sierra could be a lot more bitchy, coz she’s really hot. She’s also single and in to all menz, so this ought to be fun.

Crew working montage! Trevor is already making a move on Sierra, he’s such a creeper. Ben sets him to work on thinking of a social media-themed dinner for beef, the best he comes up with is Filetsbook, which sounds too much like fellatio and not enough like Facebook.

Ben takes Social Meat-ia while Kate tries to explain that fun part of the dinner. She is not on their phones, so they are not listening. The guests asks Captain Lee to come for dinner, but he’s only committing to cocktail hour, screw that.

Trevor is trying to pull rank over Kelley’s previous direction, no way this will bite anyone in the bum.

Captain Lee comes down for cocktail hour AND IF SOMEONE SAYS HASHTAG AGAIN. I do like how they wanna double-tap Skinny Kenny Rogers all night, though, hahaha

The ladies LOVE Trevor and Kelley; Kelley is keeping it classy and staying out of the dining room, good for him. Captain Lee got roped into dinner, so he makes his escape as soon as he can.

TREVOR PICKS HIS NOSE AND EATS IT!!!!!!!!!

Kate sends Sierra to the laundry room, she’s pretty chill about it. Laundry IS relaxing! Kate and Ben get a little spa time soaking their feet in the kitchen sink.

Ben’s trying really hard to not take Kate being happy personally; is that a thing for men? He never wanted anything serious with Kate, though, he should be happy she’s happy, regardless of the gender of who clearly is doing a better job than he ever did. Jk, you know I love my Benny!

Kelley’s already getting feedback from Lauren about Trevor being a little bit over the line, he probably shouldn’t be trashing Trevor in front of her, though. Nico runs through the deck wipedown with Trevor, they seem to be just looking for ways for these two to clash. This and the “are you single?” bit has to be producer-driven, hey? Nico and Kelley are discussing Trevor and hey! Look! There’s Trevor taking his shirt off for the guests!

Instead of dealing with brash Trevor himself, Kelley runs right to the Captain. Why would you do that?? Do your thing, Kelley, come on! I guess you SHOULD ask your superior how they like things, but to actually ASK him to tell you what to do?

And we’re oot to a montage of upcoming shenanigans! It looks like Ben and Emily hook up, that’s to be expected, and Trevor gets in trouble: also expected. Until next week, you guys, I hope to not be so late next time! Cheers