Hi guys! Welcome back to Below Deck where we getta see a crew member in full drag, I canea WAIT! In case you were wondering, my very favourite TV show is RuPaul’s Drag Race, so I am all set, hunty. Rolling Bombed by a Care Bear After the break!

It’s 6:00 am and we’re a day away from a new charter, so we’re gonna get a big cleaning montage or a staged fight? I bet BOTH.

The deck crew is wiping down the deck (natch); Kyle decides to get everyone up to speed on his sexuality, because they missed the gay pride videos the previous evening. I have no idea why Kyle feels the need to explain his preference of transgender over dudes, but I am tickled purple that someone on a national TV show said: TRANSGENDER IS THE BEST. Because that totally rocks.

I’m just trying to imagine having that same conversation with a superior back in my single days: see, I like this, but not THIS, but absolutely THIS, LIKE ALL THE TIME, but dogging just for special occasions (that’s for you, E!).

Especially since he’s explaining it to uber-macho former marine Kelley

I know that is ALSO a stereotype, I’m sure Kelley’s cooler than that would sound, but still: TMI dude. One more thing: YOU’RE A TOTAL HYPOCRITE for going after Sierra for having an admirer back home when you have a girlfriend, Kyle. This is why you don’t fight other people’s battles, Kelley; they only tell you the shite that makes the other person look bad, not what THEY’VE done.

He doesn’t usually tell people on boats because some people get weird (like on The Real World when one guy was bisexual) but everyone here seems pretty cool and he was bolstered by Kate being gay. Do you, Kyle.

Not I, but I’m guessing it’s pretty important to Kyle that we do! Kate’s looking for details about Bemily’s date, Ben’s being reticent, should she stop probing? Probably. I hear they’re STILL dating, so maybe that just doesn’t come across onscreen.

Emily fills Sierra in on Kyle’s dance moves and trans girlfriend, Sierra’s shocked but recovers well.

She’s confused that he’s trying to date her when he has so MUCH going on back home, perhaps he was just lonely, Sierra. And needed to see a Nordic face looking the other way.

Pre-Charter Meeting, woo hoo! Liza Sandler and Lori Gladstone are the co-primaries, woo hoo, lady charter! C’mon Linda P. Jones types, bring on the jewwwwry!They are bringing four guys, Glen and Pat, who are husband and husband and Jimmy and Matt: no word on marital status. If I was my friend Becksy, I would probably say the primaries are bringing their primary gays but I never know how that will be received.

They want a beach picnic (shot of Ben internally screaming) on the first day and then want to put on a drag show the next night, which Kate thinks Kyle will really enjoy.

Kelley does not want to dress in drag.

Kelley takes Nico aside to go over his comments in the crew mess during the tip meeting. Kelley wants to present a united front, but he wasn’t sticking up for his crew and Nico wasn’t about to let that go.

Kyle’s explaining to Ben why he’s with Ashley: her winning personality, compassion and inner joy that lights up a room. Just kidding: it’s “the tits, mate, the tits!” Not even HER tits, but just the objects in general. Kyle’s decent after that, going through the specifics of his girlfriend’s medical background on national TV with someone she’s never met, I mean. Sigh.

Ashley makes Kyle feel like he belongs and that’s all that matters, mate. So. Why the trying to date Sierra again?

The crew is giving the final once-over of the boat three hours before charter; Kate takes a moment to Skype with Ro, who is “froostrated” by the poor wi-fi and Kate’s unavailability. Kate thought once Ro was on the boat, she’d understand how busy Kate is and how crappy the internet is ON THE OCEAN, but alas: no. She’s never been with someone who requires this much attention. Gurl, if that laugh didn’t scare you away, this behaviour must be raising SOME flags.

Showtime! Liza and Lori are just as expected; loads of plastic surgery, melty faces and extensions. The gay dudes are nice and flaming and Jimmy and Matt are dogs, my bad. Wait. WAIT. I know these guys! I need full names, I know them from somewhere! Are there just 50 people in reality TV land just waiting to get picked off a dart board throw?

Kate tells Kyle the good news in the galley, punctuating everything with a carrot and who doesn’t do that? Nobody, that’s who.

The crew is working on the beach picnic, food and drinks being shuttled around and I’m checking wind. I think I may have been watching this too long.

Primary Liza would like to eat Nico’s corn and that sounded just as bad on the show. Cougar alert!

Nobody knows what’s happening and Kate isn’t there to run herd on Sierra or Ben, so it’s a shit show. Sierra cannot lead. Kyle and her have an extremely contentious working relationship right now, which isn’t helping. Ridic and unprofessional. Wink break!

Ben finally gets the food out and then cooks a little meal for Emily while Kelley loses his patience over Kyle and Sierra’s bickering.

And wait: there are four guys and two dogs, names uncertain.

Kyle and Sierra are fighting directly now, thanks to Kelley sending them together on purpose to clean up (what?), screaming at each other on the beach. It stops for a second when she calls him a queen, and what she meant was Drama Queen, but it came out as a slur. It made no sense, truly, maybe she was dealing with the news of his sexuality poorly and chose that moment to call him on it. That does not make it okay. She sort of apologizes, then takes it back when he challenges her and he explains: if she hadn’t heard he’d slept with men or trans or what have you, she would have called him a dickhead or a prick or some other non-sexualized insult. Messed up, man.

Sierra is IMPOSSIBLE. She takes no responsibility for any of her actions and I just WISH someone would call Kyle out on having a girlfriend while trying to date Sierra, but I guess we’ve moved on.

One of the guests walks Kyle through his Closet of Dreams, he has wigs and makeup and a fabulous sequinned gown. Kyle is all set!

Supper time! Primary Liza does a shark-bump on Nico and rolls her eyes when he doesn’t get it, time for petit filets! The food always looks so GOOD!

Lookit this hug:

So AWKWARD

The next morning, we get an update on Ben’s brother, he’s on the way already! That Skype call must have been a reenactment, and that’s what Bemily’s whole relashie feels like: awkward hugs and reenactments.

After (an amazing-looking) breakfast, the guests are all about the water toys and slides, baby! The drag queen fella gets done up in a glorious white dress and scarf and dives like that: living the dream, baby. I love how they’re not just getting trashed and hiding in their rooms between shots.

Ben’s doing something he hasn’t before: not taking Kate’s advice, asking Emily and then serving rubbery conch. What?? Ben’s food is always fantastic, why would he serve something he knew wasn’t 100%? The guests pick up on the chewiness, including the Primary.

The guests want to do a runthrough of the birthday party drag show, woo hoo! Kyle loves it, he loves doing drag and I have to mention: that is not what it sounds like, henny. It sounds like you want attention and acceptance, as we all do, but if you don’t LOVE the sequins: you ain’t a queen.

So. Kyle’s all set for the drag show, who wants to bet they’ll cock up some ridiculous circumstance where he won’t be able to do it and one of the macho guys will have to step in? Or try to build drama as to whether Kyle can perform or not?

Hey, Ben has sea urchin just sitting around, want some, Kyle? Right before your big show? Oh no! I think Kyle’s had a reaction! I did not see that coming! I hope somebody has an antihistamine that causes drowsiness!

Kyle is passed out, how ever will they do this? Kate does Kyle’s makeup while he’s asleep while Nico falls down the stairs with a Red Bull and espresso. I really like Kyle’s beard all sparkly, I think all beards should have glitter!! He thinks he looks like he got bombed by a Care Bear, I think he needs to straighten his weave. Nico thinks he looks like he ate out Tinkerbell.

The show goes on as planned, it looks like a lot of fun and I think the birthday girl really enjoyed it. She probably would have enjoyed Nico sent to her room more, but you gotta work with what you have.

I laughed out loud when Liza called Sierra a good fluffer.

The guests are enjoying their breakfast, extra grease for the hungover! Then it’s time to go, awwwww, SHOW US YOUR TIPS!

This was a fun and fast charter, I love good vibey groups like that! I’m going to guess $20,000 for the tip, just because everything went to smoothly and because Kyle was integral to the drag show. I mean, there was choreography and everything!

I was wrong, they got a lower tip than usual, whyyyyyy??? Only $1,100 each okay fine. It was a fast turnaround. Good luck getting that glitter out of the crew mess!

Ben’s brother James is coming that night, he looks really cute from afar. Almost like Prince Charming from UnREAL. James is older than Ben and ADORABLE! He has that same posh accent but without the hair gel, hmmm. Sierra thinks he’s cute too. Emily breaks down the difference between the brothers: Ben is more manly, James is more well-groomed. Er. They do dress very differently; it’s like a Larry Crowne before and after shot:

They head out for drinks and dinner; Ben just drinks. The rest of the gang smokes the fancy cigars James brought while Kyle asks Kate if he can sleep in the master bedroom. Because he wants to masturbate.

Look, Kyle, you seem pretty open and there’s nothing wrong with that, but you must know there’s a line, yeah? And telling us you’re about to unload your gun is right over that line.

Ben invited his brother there to get his opinion of Emily; James approves.

Lauren and Nico are drunk and trashing the master bedroom, Kyle just wants them both to get out so he can make sweet, sweet love to himself.

Is this deck crew ALWAYS drunk? Come on, mates

Speaking of, Ben’s got his entire ass out for his brother’s cell photo, what? He walks back to the boat with no ginch or pants on and hahahahaha they pixelated his balls ad halo when he bent over! It’s probably not legal for me to gif his arse but I think I’m scarred for life.

Lauren’s spilling booze all over the bed, can the fcking deck crew just go already?? Lauren is kind of an asshole while drunk. So is Ben, it turns out, he breaks a panel in the bedroom and come ON, you’re all at work! We’re oot, but have no fear: next week Dean Slover is back! You know, the guy who likes it when Kate shapes his towels into “rockets”! Get a job, Dean, for reals. Until next time!