Ahoy mateys! Are you ready for some more delicious double entendres above the deep blue sea? Me TOO! Rolling Below Deck S4:E4 That Tuna is F*cked after the break.

It’s embarrassing how excited the theme music makes me! Or it’s embarrasing that I’m NOT embarrassed, I don’t know, something like that.

We’re still in the middle of the drunk Trevor dramz, he really should have taken a cab separately with a producer to hold his Paul Mitchell hair, he’s not making any sense and people are gonna start taking things personally. Like when he calls Kelley a “PTSD marine.” For one thing, HOW is that an insult and not a description of a debilitating REAL condition? And who says that as an aside anyway?

Nico’s ready to throw down, but everyone else is just dying to get back to the boat. I’m looking for duct tape for Trevor’s mouth. Kelley’s had all he can take of his war record and friends being made fun of by this unfortunate-faced man-baboon and kicks Trevor off the boat. He can stay at a hotel tonight.

We end the night with Ben “f*cking wankerrrrr” and if you can piss happy-go-lucky Ben off without asking him to serve breakfast…

The next morning, Captain Lee’s wandering around looking for a radio, Kelley’s not rushing right to The Trevor Conversation Part 3 (protein shake first!) but Kate isn’t fcuking around. The Captain can use Trevor’s radio because he’s not on board and she’ll explain why right effing now.

Lauren’s leery of Trevor because he reminds her of an alcoholic relative. I personally don’t know Trevor well enough to know if he’s an alcoholic, but I’d bet he’s just a garden variety ahole with more discretionary cash on hand than brain cells.

Kate doesn’t fill the Captain in after all, Kelley needs to do that, so Skinny Kenny Rogers heads up to the bridge so Kelley can. Trevor trying to fight everyone brings his eyebrows up, now he needs to hear from everyone else what happened. I think Kelley was downplaying, so we’ll see what Captain Lee thinks after getting the real 411.

Sierra Storm (pron name) is making a protein shake too, in it is blueberries, buncha other stuff and green powder, it’s for

And gurl, please. All anyone needs is a Roadhouse VHS tape and some 50% dark chocolate, you don’t need no stupid green powder.

We get a montage of hungover crew members explaining The Trouble With Trevor the previous evening. LOTS of people were concerned about his aggression level, could he have been on something? Have you seen his nostrils? Dude could snort an ounce by mistake from a room away.

And he’s back

Look, I know reality shows have to have a villain, but could this one be a scootch more subtle? Thanks!

Trevor heads straight for Captain Lee, he knows he’s probably heard all about it, but he’s here to explain. It all started when he said he was a hair model. Legit: me and Skinny Kenny Rogers:

It’s a communication issue, see, people hear things wrong, he’d like some guidance. Captain Lee knows exactly how to handle this.

HERE’S YOUR PLANE TICKET, JACKASS!

Trevor gets to go say goodbye and apologize to everyone, no way was Captain Lee gonna let someone violent stay aship. That reminds me of Dane, the laid back surfer from North Carolina who would get aggressive as shite while drinking, bai bois!

Kelley soooort of takes credit for firing Trevor, can we just not see the hair model any more? Or hear him? Kelley tells the captain he thinks he failed a little bit and the captain thinks he did too. Don’t say stuff you don’t want to be agreed with, guys! Captain Lee will ALWAYS call you on your shite, with as many old-timey expressions as possible. Get your tit out the wringer yourself next time, Kelley! Gee whillickers.

Nico’s taking the top bunk back, motherhumpers!

Where do you think they make the ACTUAL crew sleep? Down by the coal ovens? I don’t know how big boats work.

Apparently Emily is the Get this season Below Deck, Nico thinks she’s hot too, following in the footsteps of Kelley AND Ben. I had no idea tiny bespectacled mice were a thing this year, but my money is on her picking Ben. She likes brains, not brawn. Respect.

Pre-Charter Guest Review Time! This is a group of entrepreneurs (entrepreneurs are just trust fund babies with ADD, we all know that, right?) that met online through their internet businesses and HOW COME THEY PHRASE IT LIKE THAT FOR MEN?? Remember Alison and her Ladies of Instagram, soooo funny, ladies be taking selfies! But men be building businesses online, TOTALLY different. Pfft

Anyway, they’ve given me names, woo hoo! Primaries include John Chow, Jeremy Schoemaker, Ashley Chow, Gene Mikhov, Meidee Lim and some I couldn’t catch. One guest is REALLY fun, Caroline Millan is your typical modern anti-foodie, defining herself by what she DOESN’T eat. No meat, chicken or pork, only fish for seafood, she’s gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, dye-free, wheat-free and her water has to be above pH 7.5. Bravo, Carolina, that’s going the extra mile to be perfectly obnoxious.

Side note: Alton Brown is putting out a new cookbook, but a personal one and it has ALL KINDS of strong opinions in there about how people like that treat the hospitality they are shown. I can’t WAIT to read it.

ANOTHER side note: I once yelled BULLSHIT at one such person at a Mom’s Night Out, hard to believe it wasn’t the LAST Mom’s Night Out I was invited to. I think MNO are the natural habitat of such animals.

That’s not the best part, though, they also want to do a 12 course tasting menu! Including NONE of the restricted foods. People. You’re on a yacht. Lie on something while someone brings you a bevvy, you really want to sit at a table for several hours eating food?

Kate’s trying to Skype with Ro before bed but the WiFi is being a wicked bean-blocker. No flicking tonight, ladies, bedtime!

Sierra Storm is using yachting to pay for her real career of juicing

I’ll just leave that right there

That smile is SO CREEPY!!! Stahp!! Nobody smiles like that and then holds it for ten seconds after! It’s not even like she’s high, it’s DISTURBING!

The deck crew is just soooooo sure everything is going to go sooooo much smoother with no Trevor and it never does. Even without Danny the Useless on Below Deck Mediterranean, down a person is down a set of hands, it’s gonna show.

Ben looks STRESSED, come here my poor dahling, let mama rub your neck. Sierra offers to help with the menu, she knows all about eaters like Carolina and she’s actually able to help with gross sounding trendy food suggestions. Ben jokes that she could be Carolina’s personal chef, she’s onnit before the words are out of his mouth. Watch that one, Ben! She’ll crush your windpipe in your sleep with a bottle of pH 7.5 balsamic beetroot glaze. She’s in training even

She’s not quiiiiite as good with the electric orange juicer. Turns out it needs electricity, not just vacant smiles and sexy juice shakes.

Guest arrival time!! Everyone looks nice, let’s see the boat! So modern. But every time I getta see more of the master suite and I DIG that.

Kate’s no digging anything about this group, calling them “D-List Quentin Tarantino characters.” I don’t remember any Tarantino movies with a Mr. Chow, Gene the Russian or a creepy white-haired guy that wants to kill you with his eyeballs, but I’ve missed some of his later works.

The deckhands are struggling a bit with the wind and the luggage, see: extra pair of hands would be magic, just not ones attached to a hair model, maybe. It takes them longer than usual to de-dock, time enough for the guests to make fun of other “tiny” yachts kicking around the ocean. “You wanna borrow some money?”

Oh wait, that’s just the beginning, that appears to be ALL the guests talk about! How much money do you think they’re making right now? NO, GUESS!!??

Hard pass

Somehow the hot tub is broken, water is pouring everywhere while Nico fluffs pillows down below (not a euphemism)

Ben’s feeding everyone a big lunch so he can start prep for the 12 course tasting menu, you’ve GOT to be kidding me! Carolina doesn’t like spicy either. Just hand the woman a cardboard box and a small knife and she’s set for the weekend.

The guests like Emily too! Co-Primary Jeremy Schoemaker thinks she has a great smile and hey, if his wife dies…

I had a co-worker of hubs say that to me once, in front of hubs AND his wife; just replace “smile” with “cinnamon buns.” Awkward. They are great buns, though, true story

Oh it’s not just the men talking about money, the ladies are in on the action too! “Three grand is like nothing… it’s like sewer money” and sure, if you’re talking about a used car, but maybe not if you’re talking about a haircut. Context, huntys!

Nico FINALLY notices the water pouring everywhere, I hope they have a mechanic aship!

Sierra’s trying to bring her juicing at the crew; Ben ain’t biting.

Ohhhh nooo, Nico was supposed to STOP filling the hot tub when it was full, it doesn’t have an automatic shutoff. He has a LOT of cleanup to do. Kelley’s all back-slaps and help.

The crew’s having a hard time getting that inflatable pool set up, Captain Lee is too fixated on Gene the Russian’s back-pelt to help. It’s a full sweater!

I seriously love the baby pool they drag behind them, Critter Free 4EVA!

Ben’s getting frazzled during planning the tasting menu and I’d say “as usual” but I don’t remember them ever doing a complicated menu like this EVER on Below Deck, and one where they have to do two EXTRA courses for Ms. Dietary Restrictions. I imagine that might be stressful with limited space and provisions.

Sierra’s determined to make a good impression on Ben, but she should probably brace herself. He’s already wound tight as a top.

Menu!!

Ben needs someone knowledgeable to help him, there isn’t much time or space, but remember Sierra didn’t know to check if the juicer was plugged in? Yeahhh. Lauren’s also helping, she does better, which Sierra seems to take personally.

Caroline of the Complicated Palate wows everyone in a purple satin shirtdress (eeh?) and they love the first course!  Ginger gazpacho in a chilled shot glass, yay!

Nico and Kelley discuss their mutual admiration for Emily and joint feeling that Sierra is “cray-cray.” She’s also slow, she hasn’t made the salad she suggested and foie gras is up, baby! MOVE! She doesn’t even want to toss or dress it and the guests have already finished their foie gras. I mean

Gene the Russian wants to have a party With 50 -100 girls to take care of their every need and Kate is grossed out that he’s talking like this when there are daughters at the table.

Carolina waits and waits and waits and WAITS for her damn salad, that’s two courses she’s not had food during. Oh god and it’s the crappiest looking giant salad EVER. I mean, truly terrible, with big splashes of salad dressing all over it, guuuurl. That would get sent back at Denny’s.

Sierra: I get that you’re nervous and need good energy around you. A kitchen only has one kind of energy at supper time, it’s the ‘HURRY THE FUCK UP” kind.

Carolina is disappointed, she didn’t know she was missing all the courses and just having one giant salad! She doesn’t want to stare!

What, is everyone supposed to eat cardboard boxes with you so none of your extremely specific non-medical dietary restrictions are met?? What an ahole.

On the other hand, they should have told her up front, or unfortunately prepared a separate tasting menu for her with 12 plates of cardboard tastefully arranged, served in the bathroom. If I could hate someone I didn’t know, this move right here might do it:

She’s a REAL Tuesday every day of the week.

Ben’s still under the gun so letting Sierra do stuff in the kitchen… it does not go well. She doesn’t sear the tuna properly and Carolina doesn’t like raw fish and man. Ben’s trying with Sierra, but she’s really edgy now and messes up a dish and overreacts.

Carolina deigns to try the calamari steak with garlic tomato “I’m not picky!”

………………………………………………………………………………………..?………………………………

The guests are complaining about supper taking so long, that’s what happens when you request 12 course, yerks!

Emily’s been sent to bed, she just has to fold one more load of clothes and then she can call it. Kelley comes in to “help” and I think they’re flirting? Maybe?

The last course comes out at midnight, it looks fantastic!!!! Flourless chocolate cake, homemade vanilla something and spun sugar. Ben worked his ASS off! John loved it, everyone else is either half-asleep or actually asleep.

Nico is flirting with Emily now, it’s getting  little silly now. Kelley’s gone the route of taking his shirt off whenever possible, that’s just really not Emily’s speed, fella. USE YOUR WORDS. Nico and Kelley make a pact: work first, friendship second and women third. Sigh. I can’t even yell any more.

Ben and Lauren are ecstatic that the dinner is over; they hug it out while Sierra cries in the corner. Awww. I am impressed that she never stopped working but it’s not as though Ben was rude to her. Please. She’s talking about leaving because of negative energy, there you go: we were looking for another villain! Thanks hippie dippie! (I can say that cause I are one)

Until next time, cheers!