What happened this week on Below Deck Sailing Yacht? I’m so glad you asked! Let’s find out after the break in my BDSY S2:E04 Barrie’d Alive recap!

This is luxury vacationing during a global pandemic; we’ve got 2/3 of a charter quarantining in a hotel waiting for COVID-19 test results, the co-primaries never even made it on board in the first place. One of the guests, Ryan Gurl, was particularly upset about getting kicked off the Parsifal III to re-quarantine, the amount of entitlement that speaks to is almost breathtaking. You decided to travel during a global pandemic, yeah? By definition, putting yourself at higher risk and those you come in contact with and when you brush up against one of those rules designed to save lives, including yours: you pitch a hissy fit.

Got it.

The whole crew sits around and waits for the results of the COVID testing of the four guests, Captain Glenn Shephard finally hears back from Dr. Laura (not THE Dr. Laura) that the first round of tests came back negative. BUT. The sick guest is still symptomatic, so she’s recommending none of the guests come back on the yacht.

Ooooh they’re going to be so maaaaadddd.

The crew has a muted reaction, COVID still probably felt more like an idea at this point, like a far-away drought. You can comprehend it intellectually but it doesn’t feel real. They pack up everything in the cabins and have it sent ashore to the hotel.

Deckhand Sydney Zaruba has been trying to regain the easy flow of working with her boss Gary King, but since they drunkenly hooked up he’s been All Work No Fun. He’s deeply regretting sleeping with a crewmate, technically his subordinate since he’s First Mate.

Captain Glenn gets a surprise text and calls everyone to the salon for a Tip Meeting! That’s…extremely unexpected. I have no idea what to guess: $5,000?

Hahahahahah and I nailed it, woooooo! $5000 USD for one day’s charter, that’s $555 each!

Gary is working hard on getting with third steward Alli Dore, she’s so cute. He looks like a shrunken greasy Kevin Sorbo.

Captain Glenn says everyone can have a couple of drinks tonight, but nothing messy, ya dig? Baby giant Jean-Luc Cerza Lanaux already is two-fisting beer, so I dunno. They’re going to be sharing a cabin, too!

Jean-Luc has never been in a real relationship, duh. 3 weeks is his max.

Then he, Gary and Chief Engineer Colin MacRae sit around and rate the women on board. Sigh. Gary calls his mum to find out what to do about the deckhand he “kissed” but her advice gets cut short by the girls coming up on deck.

I lose count of how many times Sydney twists her head around trying to watch/listen to Alli and Gary flirting. This is Gary sober, so he’s after Alli and Sydney is drinking and watching.

He even tells Colin he’s making a play for Alli, who’s upstairs talking things out with Sydney. Everyone gets into cute swimsuits except for the dirtbag guys and the girls decide to take Jean-Luc for a ride.

He’s almost seven feet tall. That’s chief steward Daisy Kelliher atop the baby giraffe.

Now we’re in the hot tub playing Truth or Dare because of course we are. Alli and Sydney kiss, Gary shakes his penis and it turns out Jean-Luc likes second steward Dani Soares. She is super cute! They’re all super cute, each and every one.

Pay attention to the pea under the shell… Gary invites Alli down to the salon bar for one last drink; Sydney listens above with Colin, then making her move by standing rightnext to Gary, Alli on the other side. Alli does not want to fight for Gary, she still wants this to be fun, so she leaves and Gary is left with Sydney literally at his hip, not moving and shots everywhere.

She asks him to have a chat, then kisses him and and apologizes for liking him. He does not kiss her back, he’s being pretty straighforward about his lack of interest now, which is good. Sydney will not take no for an answer, she changes into leggings as pajamas and crawls into Gary’s bunk while Colin tries not get angry.

It’s absolutely hilarious watching 7 foot tall Jean Luc trying to drag his drunk arse up into the bunk over Captain Glenn’s head without waking him.

Not to be rude, but there’s a LOT more drinking on this sailing yacht than there is SAILING booooooo. I have a dear friend who reads these only for the sailing, I feel like I’m letting her down!

Sydney creeps back to her cabin at 8, gurl. I’ve been the one chasing the one who wants someone else. Just…don’t do it. It erodes your sense of self-worth.

Everyone slowly gets up and starts cleaning the ship, nobody drank that much so it’s a nice easygoing flow.

Gary takes Sydney aside for a friend chat, it’s totally fine, she’s not going to ruin his life! Hahahaha awkward laugh hahaha.

Captain Glenn calls Gary, Daisy and chef Natasha De Bourg down to the crew mess for a Preference Sheet Meeting, wooooo! Who’s coming on board??

The Primary Charter Guest is Barrie Drewitt-Barlow, joined by ex-husband Tony Drewitt-Barlow and Brent Brown because while Barrie and Tony are divorced, they’re still best friends and live together with their boyfriends and five shared children.

I was thinking that exactly but it rhymed with truck.

So: nine charter guests including children: Orlando, Jasper, Dallas, Saffron and Aspen.

There’s going to be a drag party woooooo!! And awwwww Barrie is going to propose to his boyfriend Scott. In front of his ex-husband. Okay!

Alli gets some upsetting news, her grandfather died the night before. He had dementia and went quite quickly, but she’s very upset for her dad, who was very close with his dad. She decides to push through for her Pa, he would have wanted that.

Nope, he would have wanted a full wailing choir with extra chest thumping, everyone does.

Wow, provisions arrive and suddenly it’s fifteen minutes until guest arrival! Did they figure out where they’re going to put 9 people on a superyacht built for 6?

You *know* nobody’s sharing the fake Master Bedroom with kids.

WHAT

They’re in Croatia in high summer. One of the twins, I think Dallas, gives Captain Glenn the guns as a greeting, oh yeah.

Boat tour wooooooo! This is a muted affair because there are children present; Primary Barrie makes sure everyone is set for swimming then retires to his cabin with soon-to-be-fiance Scott, who’s mysteriously packed condoms.

Whatever could that be for?? That’s like coming across a jacket pocket full of condoms five years after your partner had a tubal ligation!

Primary Barrie has asked for a consultation with the chef, Natasha promises Michelin-star food and I am suddenly entirely sure she is. I’m not going to say it, but I am now waiting to see what all of her food looks like. I have lost my faith in our yacht chef.

ANYWAY, Primary Barrie asks who will be serving, he’s sad to hear it will be “the girls.” Could Daddy Long Legs, (aka Jean-Luc) be perhaps brought in to pinch hit? Natasha will see what she can do.

We’re SAILING!!

Oooh 15 degrees of heel is rather a lot.

THEN

They tack over, so swing 29 degrees the other way so they’re -14 degrees heel. The drunk guests are struggling, Brent is up against a corner trying to figure out if he’s wrong or if it’s the ship.

I mean, it’s gorgeous, but try cooking plated supper for nine in this:

I’d give it a shot, yes I would!

Daisy is struggling in the galley, the guests are ordering loads and loads of cocktails, all served in crystal stemware that can’t be put into the dishwasher. I’m just going to say: a tupperware tumbler or two dozen wouldn’t go astray asea.

Supper is less than an hour away, Natasha has committed to an insane menu. Yes, filet mignon, sure, but four different types of mashed potatoes and several other sides as well is going to be crazy difficult to organize in the amount of space she has.

In a completely un-believeable segue, Daisy googles our guests while Gary and Alli look on. It turns out: Barrie and Tony’s marriage ended because Barrie got with their daughter’s ex-boyfriend. That is who Barrie is proposing to this trip and that just added an extra layer of PEOPLE NEED BOUNDARIES to this party.

And it’s tacky to Google guests while they’re on board. Do it after, like civilized folk.

Primary Barrie is angry, actually angry at the amount of mussels brought to the table, half is not even enough just for him. He’s HONGRAY.

Gary and Colin are doing SFA to help the very busy girls, even though Captain Glenn said they should and they just…should. They can see them running around, why isn’t Gary directing them more? Jean-Luc is there to flirt and bring out empty bowls, but he doesn’t really have what you could call a personality.

I don’t know exactly which Michelin-starred restaurants Natasha worked at, because most of them know about serving food all at the same time, right? She’s not very organized and Saffron’s about done her steak before anyone else gets a sniff.

Hahahaha I love that Primary Barrie puts in exactly that plainly. They can’t eat like this, at all.

And that’s where we leave it, with Primary Barrie and his ex-husband finally getting their cold steaks long after their daughter finished their food.

Until next time, when Primary Barrie and his extended family get stuck on the beach with Daddy Long Legs because the tender is broken! Cheers!