Hi guys! Welcome back to Peter Kay’s Car Share, which you should totally be watching if you are not. It’s a smart comedy and I am LEARNING! About dogging, bout JapSi, all KINDS of things! Rolling E4 after the break!

John (Peter Kay) has Kayleigh (Sian Gibson) on the bluetooth, does he sound robotic or underwater? He’s handsfree!

He’s there, she’s just gotta do her Beyonce first, though

She saw Beyonce live last night, she was AMAZING! Best.night.of.Kayeigh’s.life. She went by herself, no date John, her inbox has been barren for WEEKS! Kayleigh really admires Beyonce’s ability to walk that sexy / slutty line and I won’t start shouting yet, you lot can calm down.

Beyonce makes Kayleigh feel inadequate as a woman

Beyonce could get it

I have to stop giffing! And Skyping brings together the world, except that a former friend said it did something to soldiers? So I don’t use it much.

A news report about a vomiting bug making the rounds (YEAH? IS IT HAND, FOOT, AND MOUTH INVOLVING A CERTAIN PRESCHOOL THAT CAN’T EVER SEEM TO GET RID OF IT??); would John ever take a sickie? Nah, and she shouldn’t tell him, he’s Management! She’s not scurred, her grandfather has died 4 times in the last ten years. Every time she got a new job and wanted a few days off.

John can’t believe her sacrilege and ohh I will have to tread lightly. He believes in god, organized religion, all of it, which Kayliegh thinks is hilarious (I do not); he’ll be believing in dinosaurs next!

Er

What about the bones? Conspiracy for WHAT, Kayliegh? Oh. They weren’t mentioned in the bible, not in the nativity, the stories don’t match! Oh I suppose she doesn’t believe in the moon landing or JFK’s assassination then, doesn’t she? Who’s Geoff Capes and why does she get him mixed up with JFK? That seems like a tough mistake to make, even with “cloth ears.” That probably means something dirty, doesn’t it?

Kayliegh saw a magpie alone so she’s got to keep her fingers crossed until she sees another. John can’t believe that a woman who thinks dinosaurs are bollocks is superstitious. (I believe in dinosaurs but am also superstitious. Kinda) John’s dad was superstitious and an undertaker, so he had to hold up his collar when he saw a hearse until he saw a four legged animal, he got sod-all done.

John’s got to arbitrate a disciplinary review later that day, he’s not supposed to tell her who for but he spills immediately: Janine Cosgrove and Elsie off Deli who got into fisticuffs during their car share. It was a classic tragedy of vegan / stinky meat farts: never the twain shall meet.

John makes fun of one of the women for her weight, hold on, let me see if I can dig up a picture of John..

cr: comedy.co.uk

Yeah. Screw you, fat fattist! If you get that reference: I love you forever and we must have a cuppa immediately.

John’s got a team-building today after the disciplinary hearing. It sounds lame, but drinky, so about right for team-buildings. Last year they went to Abersoch, where Kayleigh spent a hen weekend, gained a stone and “snogged a pikey with moobs.” They were bigger than hers! He could have “breast-fed a creche!” John is horrified, you can’t say pikey!

But he was a pikey, John, and why can’t you say that? That was Brad Pitt’s character name in Snatch and one of the very few roles I could stand him in. Kayleigh and I don’t understand, but it must be like “squaw”, which used to be a respectful title for your aboriginal female partner and has turned into a slur, or it might depend on whose mouth it is. Kayleigh compromises

John will be doing motivational role-play and trust exercises as part of his team-building between 11 and 3; Kayleigh thinks it’s a load of bullcrap. The money would be better spent fixing the handicap toilet, it’s got a crack and nipped her bum twice last week. She goes on a rant about the business-speak he’s spewing at her, who talks like that? I’ll have you know my six-year-old came home and told me he was being proactive last week, so there you have it: brainwashed 6 year olds.

Speaking of kids! We’re at a kid’s crossing and a man crossing in front of the car, John shouts at him for using a kids crossing. The hot dude doesn’t see where John’s coming from, exactly, and now John can’t see either as he’s got hot dude’s breakfast smeared across his windshield.

MMMBop! takes us through a carwash but oh! Kayleigh’s aquaphobic and there’s water everywhere!

Kayleigh’s in an underwater MMMBop video now, less said about that the better.

News and ad highlights: “if the outlook is rubbish, call Keith!” and “I’ve only ever had one ball” Heeeeeeyyyy, R. Kelly, Bump ‘N’Grind! Talk about one of those conundrums where you have to separate the artist from the work! He’s just so CREEPY, but his music is awesome. If you don’t listen to the lyrics super closely.

Kayleigh’s been calming herself down by breathing into a (now) empty paper bag (since the papadum bits were removed), but her lippy is the real problem. Superted is changing tires even! Oh look, he remembered his high-vis vest

John’s off, Kayeligh will have to fend for the car

OMC How Bizarre is playing!! I remember “dancing” so many times to that song back in my heyday! Awwww. Kayleigh’s in trouble with Dave the KnobHead and isn’t even enjoying the song. He had a go at her for mistaking iceberg lettuce for cabbage (one’s much heavier) in front of everyone! She only sold about 8.

How is er, she doing with the er, aquaphobia? Oh good, good, she hasn’t had an episode for years, let’s go back to where it started. There was a cheap swimsuit and pink glittery butterflies and then there was a bandaid she swallowed in a public pool and yeah. YERK

An ad for a medical trial comes on the radio (DON’T DO IT – I JUST WATCHED PARANOID!); you’d have to be pretty skint to do that, wouldn’t you? Kayleigh mentions that she’s broke no less than 5 times in the space of 45 seconds. Hey, is there any money in the Christmas team? She’s been asking him daily about joining the team.

He’s got a bunch of money, doesn’t he? He lives alone, well so does she! She’s fostering a panda, tiger and a donkey, so. Leeki, Thor and Jackie-O! Now we know who answers those shitty appeals. I don’t think donkeys are going extinct, though.

Everybody Wants To Rule The World by Tears For Fears couldn’t be more apropos for this week, could it? John used to watch the video at the pub, packed it was. They had a mechanical bull for awhile, too, Kayleigh laughs: she lost her virginity on one of those! “What speed were you on?!” “Fast enough”

She’s just joking, it was a Buckeroo! I’m not looking that up.

Dave who yelled at Kayleigh is calling, shhhh! Three minutes of business-speak follows while Kayleigh and I laugh. We’re just wrapping up the call when Dave starts to shite-talk Elsie from the deli, wait: is he alone? Yes, yes Elsie’s getting another chance thanks to Kayleigh’s advocating, and speaking of Kayleigh: did John hear about her messing up the F&V?

Ohhhhhhh I have all the schaedenfreude at this cringy mess; who doesn’t want to hear what upper management thinks of you? Who hopes it doesn’t involve the words “hippy-happy workplace shite”? Women like Kayleigh are only good for “YOU’RE BREAKING UP, DAVE!” “if her grandad dies one more time this year!” YOU’RE BREAKING UP DAVE! I’LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK!” They almost make it, but Kayleigh’s “f*cking arsehole” just at the end RUINS it.

It gets very shouty after that; why did she do that?? Why didn’t he stick up for her? He did! Disabled toilets, Scotch broth and Dave said lipstick on a pig!!

And we’re out to: “John, are you still there?”

I may have peed myself a little during the fight at the end, HAHAHAHAHA and I have to tell you, it took me a very long time to recap this one because I had to get subtitles. I couldn’t understand NUFFINK. Until next time, you lot, cheers! Fanks again to E on the Twitter for suggesting.