Hi guys! Time for some more Peter Kay’s Car Share and I am EXCITED! I have subtitles, so with any luck I won’t fark it up like I did last time with the whole bush trimming incident. MOVING ON! S2:E2 after the break!

Woo hoo, we’ve got John (Peter Kay) done up as Harry Potter singing “I Touch Myself” by the DiVinyls! I sang that at karaoke once under duress, I still twitch sometimes thinking about it. He does great! You know, for a giant Harry Potter. He’s bilingual, singing in Londonese too, “when I think about ya, I touch meself”

Steve (Guy Garvey) is still outside working on his motorcycle, he digs the threads!

John takes a second to note that Kayleigh (Sian Gibson) has her heart light on in the window, she has! Then he digs into the bike engine with all kinds of manly references to “tight like you’re right” and somefing about a “nun’s chuff” that I couldn’t quite make out.

Oh there’s Kayleigh, she’s Hagrid with really good skin! Um. They know about Hermoine, yes? And that John looks more like a Dursley, exactly, right? Looks great! I think John suggested it so she’d have to stick close to him so people would know who she was.

Kayleigh can’t stand the beard on her face, it’s so itchy! How is she going to get through a full Chinese buffet with a muskrat on her face? They talk about last year’s party while she fiddles with her face; it’s driving me mad. One of the costumes from last year touches off a discussion about private parts comenclature: Kayleigh calls her breasts Cagney and Lacey and I LOVED CAGNEY AND LACEY!! We part ways at who our favourite was; I’ve been a Lacey fan since Day 1

Forever FM is much more dancy in the evening, like Crazy Frog by Axel F

If it’s gotta be in my head, it’s gotta be in yours! Plus John really liked CF’s Helmet On, Cock Out look, so

John’s been waking up at 1:21am every night for three nights now; he couldn’t get back to sleep last night so watched a documentary on Lance Armstrong. NO, Kayleigh, not the guy who went to the moon, but the American cyclist who dominated the sport by cheating right from the get-go. I watched the movie with Ben Foster recently, good casting, including Denis Menochet from my beloved Spotless, which is destined to be a one series shining light.

A moment of silence for Spotless, one of the best shows I’ve seen in my time recapping. Besides Denis Menochet, there is also Brendan Coyle, who is astounding as the villainous Nelson Clay, honestly, if you only know him from Downtown Abbey, you’re missing out. Where was I?

I was with John burping in front of Kayleigh. Really? I’ve been in serious relationships where that still warranted a trip to the loo, very bold, John.

Kayleigh didn’t notice anyway, she’s wondering about this 1:21am wakeup call John’s been getting; could it be spirits? “You don’t believe in all that Hocus Pocus” he says….wearing a Harry Potter costume…

HOW CAN KAYLEIGH NEVER HAVE SEEN HAPPY POTTER??? It’s UBIQUITOUS!! There’s a theme park and everything!! The kiddos and I got to the dementors and now we have to wait until they get old enough to not freak out over werewolves. I still freak out over werewolves, so maybe we’ll just read the books.

Hey, Ted 2 is directing traffic at the party! And he’s a cowboy!

I MADE VERY SURE OF THAT QUOTE

John’s just happy Ted 2 is dressed for once

Hahahahahahahahaha

Party time, excellent! The Incredible Hulk and the Statue of Liberty are humping on Harry Potter’s car, don’t wreck that wax finish, you lot! A very drunk Kayleigh and an enourmous Smurfette / Elsie (Conleth Hill – Lord Varys from Game of Thrones!!! I totally didn’t recognise) stumble out of the party, Kayeigh’s freed her beard by throwing up on it and flushing it down the toilet and now they’re giving Smurfette a ride home. For the record, I was ALWAYS Kayleigh at office parties, what is it about alcohol and coworkers that adds up to equal a lax attitude as to which bathroom you’re supposed to use?

Drunk people are sooooo annoying when you’re not lathered, amirite? Kayleigh’s in the back and Smurfette’s keeping John company in the front and he DOESN’T WANT ANY SINGING, FANKS! Kayleigh’s got a road rocket in hand, hahahaha I remember I used to make an ex-pat from England drive me home after our company softball games (read: pissups) because he didn’t know about Canada’s silly laws about no open alcohol in a moving vehicle.

John finally relents and puts the radio back on, just in time for “Loving You” by Minnie Ripperton and hahahahaha I can only think of South Park when I hear that. John has FML written on his forehead, right next to his oddly horizontal lightning bolt scar.

Now Smurfette’s overheating, can John turn it down?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Wait, what does that mean??

Smurfette and Kayleigh both have the worst heartburn, sour cream Pringles are the WORST, but no, Smurfette won’t try Gaviscon, the last thing she needs is a “little fireman in her mouth.” Or does she…? On to gossip about random coworkers but oh ho! The talk of the store is these two and yay! We’re finally talking about it!!

I will say that they seem to be at, er, different points in life in a way I hadn’t seen previously. One’s puking drunk and the other is yelling at couples dogging to get off his lawn.

Smurfette won’t tell them what people are saying, she’s no gossip! And besides, what does she care about what Kayleigh’s doing with this ManBo anyway?

Smurfette’s head snapping around when John says she’s on her third warning is a thing of beauty, they’re STILL not at her place! Or they are, but she’s not getting out, She Who Doesn’t Gossip is talking about Joanne Chung’s S-shaped vagina. We all spent a good minute trying to work that out, right? Not just me?

And then Smurfette pees on the side of the road, half in the car, half out the car. While she’s “drip drying”, Kayleigh similarly hears the call of nature. John’s “mother of God” was all of us just then.

Crazy For You by Madonna comes on as Smurfette inhales Sour Cream Pringles (heartburn!!) and huffs on her inhaler; that song is a classic. I canea not sing when it comes on and Kayleigh’s in her imagination with John taking a bullet for her famous arse; is she thinking The Bodyguard instead of Desperately Seeking Susan? I should watch that! Sorry, sorry, where were we?

They’re lost! Because Smurfette passed out and missed her flat and they’re at the second-best business name in Car Share history

Number one belonging to

OF COURSE.

Kayleigh’s passed out now; Smurfette’s making her move! Could John put her on his Christmas team, mmm? She could be Mrs. Santa Claus and

Even with all my bragging about subtitles, Smurfette’s accent (thicker than her wrists!) defeated me, so if you know it’s wrong, for the love of BOB: tell me. Just think about it, John, THINK.ABOUT.IT.

They made it! Smurfette tells Kayleigh to keep a good grasp on her ManBo

John walks Elsie to her door, re-emerging with a cuppa soup for Kayleigh, who couldn’t WAIT until Smurfette shut up. You could totally tell that, from all the “you’re a scream!” “so funny!” she was hurling at Smurfette / Elsie all night.

I just LOVE that conversation because I was feeling all weird about them being so opposite, but that little exchange calmed me right the eff down.

They get to Kayleigh’s place in Bury but Steve’s STILL outside working on his motorcycle! She tells John to park around the corner and they end up chatting…and laughing. She says, suddenly serious in only a way a drunk person can be: do I make you laugh?

“Yeah you do. Very much” (with all the longing of someone waiting all night to be alone with the person he likes very much)

Do I make you happy?

“Yeah, yeah you do. Very much”

And then he’s leaning and she’s leaning and just as their faces are coming ever so close…Elsie calls! COW! She’s left her inhaler, damniit! John’s going to have to bring it to her, leaving Kayleigh with a smile and hey look: it’s 1:21 and he’s up again! We’re out

I don’t know any of Peter Kay’s other work, but he’s magic here. He conveys all the longing of a preternaturally aged Harry Potter riddled with inchoate longings better than anyone I can think of. It’s just brilliant. And honestly, John just saved himself a mouthful of vomit-breath tinged with cuppa noodle, so.

I like how we got full circle, from I Touch Myself (coz John don’t want anybody else, Smurfette) and then Mariah Carey as Kayleigh’s ringtone: All I Want For Christmas Is You, woo hoo! I forgot; I used to be Elsie at company functions, not Kayleigh, my bad. One last thing: Elsie as Smurfette came in second place in the costume competition, who was Number 1? Did I miss it? Spill! Until next time! Cheers, you lot