Hi everyone, we’re back with Sarah Jessica Parker, Thomas Hayden Church and Divorce. Last episode took a turn for the less-awesome, let’s find out what happens with Gustav.

We’re with Robert (Thomas Hayden Church) with his lawyer, they make fun of Mediation: it’s like one person ends up with the cup and the other gets the coffee. I don’t know, I’ve never even heard of Mediation but that sounds messy.

Let’s look at assets! Sure, it doesn’t look like much, but once FunSpace gets rolling…hey, do you do many divorces, Gerald (Geoffrey Owens)? Well, mostly wills and stuff but really?

Also, kudos to Geoffrey Owens for the HumpMeEyes in IMDb, I didn’t even recognise!

This is truly a budget operation, Gerald’s associate is his wife (extry nagg-y and ball-bust-y, yay stereotypes!) and he would like cash. Just cash.

Frances (Sarah Jessica Parker – I know they’re equal leads, but I get downright rammy if I have to wait very long to see her, not examining why) is packing up all of Robert’s things, including a metric tonne of flannel. Gerald calls from his home office to Robert’s home line, which is how Frances finds out Robert has retained the services of the most inept lawyer ever.

“I’m not a lawyer, er, this is a prank call. What are you wearing?” seriously laughed out loud at that.

Robert’s reviewing his FunSpace with George (Jim Brachitta) the realtor, basically just stringing him along as Frances strung her realtor along for lo those many years. (I LOVE YOU MADDIE CORMAN!!)

Frances calls, remember this moment Robert. This is when everything went wrong and IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR HIRING A LAWYER.

Frances is meeting with her lawyer now, Max Brodkin (Jeffrey DeMunn – from Billions and The Walking Dead – NEVER FORGET DALE) doesn’t see Gerald Watkins as a threat, given his major in clipart. Let’s get down to the skinny: what’s this gonna cost? Don’t think of it in terms of cost, Max is going to be her partner, walking her through every part of it!

Yep. Let’s roll. Just before things going, let’s make sure there aren’t any surprises. She admits to the affair and then a whole BUNCH of other stuff that he probably loves hearing at $750/hr but she could probably use to buy replacement flannel with. Erasing shows from a DVR is totes a cardinal sin, though.

Oh jesus Frances, I WANT to be on your side, but when you tell Max you never faked an orgasm because you wanted him to KNOW you didn’t get off, we all cringed, right? That’s just fcuking mean, dude. She enjoyed making him feel inadequate. Dale (okay I know it’s Max but it’s so nice to see him! I MISS YOU FRANK DARABONT!!) and I

 

The more he knows about her, the more he can get her what she deserves. She asks tentatively: what does she deserve? Happiness of course! Yay! Someone isn’t yelling at her for once, not even her!

Yay we getta see Carla (Maddie Corman) again, it’s as though I summoned her!! One sec

GARY OLDMAN GARY OLDMAN GARY OLDMAN

Okay where were we?! Ah yes, Diane (Molly Shannon) is trashing Frances’s brand new gallery that Carla is giving her the keys to; maybe Frances could expand and make it really special! What was this shop before? It was a bridal shop that catered to *sotto voice* lesbians. Huh. I am not a married lesbian, but would there be different clothing involved? Perhaps less tee-heeing? I just read this great essay on Medium by Sara Benincasa that seems relevant.

Also reading Real Artists Have Day Jobs by Sara Benincasa, innit she would totally call Diane a garbage friend.

Diane’s bearing something other than a snide, minimizing attitude, she has gifts! The names of all the artists whose work she owns, so they owe her a favour and will maybe show in Frances’s brand new gallery in it’s super-diverse location. Frances is not convinced that these big name artists are in her league and after a spectacular rant about it, we’re interrupted by two women looking for Progress Bridal. They leave disappointed while Diane ponders their veracity as lesbians. I mean

Dallas (Talia Balsam) is shocked that Frances TOOK HER ADVICE and retained Max Brodkin, can she afford that?

Side note: the gorgeous green jacket that Frances is wearing in this scene: WANT

Dallas reassures Frances, it’ll be fine, Brodkin is the best. There was some maybe-consensual group sexing and he STILL got the guy his apartment, I don’t know. That’s not why Dallas called, though, she needs to cry (kiddo trouble) and she can’t do it unless someone is listening. I will not lie, I’m just staring at the jacket. Oh but Dallas is a psychotherapist

Robert and Nick (Tracy Letts) are enjoying some salad bar and time away from the house, is Nick SURE he wouldn’t like to add a thick juicy steak right after his massive heart attack?

Robert is taking another run at Nick for FunSpace, he has a presentation! Starting with “Hold On Loosely” by 38 SPECIAL, duh! How do I know this and they don’t? Nick doesn’t want to hear it again, Robert has only made one good investment in his whole life and that was in Frances.

Do you know what she did to him in the bedroom, though, Nick, DO YOU? That’s cold, man. That’s worse than the affair.

Sorry, sorry, Nick is worried about Robert, Frances hiring big wheel Max Brodkin (I LOVE YOU DALE) means Robert is going to get “cock-fckd” (I have absolutely no idea what that means and I just spent far too long trying to figure it out), he needs to try and save his marriage, even if Frances did screw a French (New Zealand-er) guy 69 (33) times!

Frances is at an art show for Mickey Burgess, lots of surrealism and insults re: other shitty things Frances has done that she might not have emailed Max Brodkin about yet. Friends. Awesome.

Mickey Burgess (Francis Jue – from Law & Order SVU!) introduces himself to Diane, she’s a MAJOR buyer on the art scene, it seems. Carson Hodges (Frank Whaley from just about everything) decides to take Frances’s comment about “actually” knowing his work personally, but then they talk it out over symbolism and agree to disagree. Diane and I

Carson and Frances are off to discuss a bunch more “fraudulent vulgarities” while Robert calls an emergency meeting in Gerald’s car. They can’t meet inside because his wife is sleeping. Gerald is excited; he would love to learn from Max Brodkin! He fires his accountant Don (Rick Crom) and Gerald and it’s time to get serious!

Frances is really passionate about art! She could maybe make something of this art gallery in Hastings, providing there is a clientele looking for real art and not a gift shop with a coffee bar. Gustav (Olek Krupa) stumbles over and warns Carson away: Frances doesn’t have the money that moron Diane does. Some words are thrown, then a glass of wine all over Frances: it’s an all out arty-farty brawl!

Robert’s explaining; the reason he didn’t go through with mediation because he was embarrassed. He’s at a financial low point and didn’t want to disclose. Tony Silvercreek (Dean Winters! Mayhem!) doesn’t want to hear any politically correct bullshit – door is over there. Shot?

I think Tony Silverstreet is the solicitor version of Tom Cruise’s character in Magnolia.

Tony calls Frances while she’s still in the cab with Dallas and Diane; his name makes Dallas gasp. “Oh yeah, it’s bad” made me laugh. He wants a deposition, but not too early, since she’s out at another event involving alcohol. “Sleep tight, Sugar.”

Dallas explains: he’s a shark and hates women. He won’t even represent a woman. Diane tries to salvage the night for Frances: she wants Hannah back. AHOLE.

Frances throws all of Robert’s carefully packed flannel into the dumpster, hey: she got to keep the dog! Yay? And we’re out. Until next time!