Good morning you lot, welcome back to Divorce and the battling Dufresnes. I’d like to make that sound funny, but unless Thomas Hayden Church is making a face, I’m reaching. Rolling Church after the break

Frances (Sarah Jessica Parker) cleans and packs the house while Robert (Thomas Hayden Church) works out at one of their properties under construction, seems about right. She finds a stash of pictures of Julia Roberts’ cleavage (as Erin Brockovich) and really: it’s no Big Boob Blowies, Frances. I don’t trust a person without a porn stash at home (not pornstache, totally different, as is Pornstache:

 

), it just means he keeps it at work otherwise. That is based on nothing, so discard if it doesn’t fit.

Frances is tired of being stinky from cleaning, so she steams a dress and hits the town. She gets a double take from a young fella and revels innit, swirling in the breeze. She goes to a Sotheby’s auction, where she meets Courtney (Sarita Choudhury), one of her clients from the recruiting company. Let’s go meet Emmett Shaab (Daniel Gerroll)! They need an event coordinator, something with an art background, someone who knows branding and marketing execs, you know, SOMEONE EXACTLY LIKE FRANCES.

I almost hurt watching her pitch herself for the job; Emmett Schaab likes it though!

Diane (Molly Shannon) is giving Nick (Tracy Letts) a sponge bath…I think his privates are clean, Diane! He’s been so impressed with the care she’s been giving him, he just bets she’d make a great mom.

*record scratch*

Now. We met everyone at Diane’s 50th birthday party, and while I know giving birth after that is POSSIBLE, it’s not likely or easy at that point. Also, she is..how to say…not the maternal type. As in: she doesn’t want kids, fanks. I think it’s way better when people come out and say that; I know people that shouldn’t have had kids: they didn’t want them. They wanted the idea of children, the idea of being a parent, but it takes a whole lot more than that. A muted gag reflex and a reduced sense of smell goes pretty far. Watching her try to get soap out an empty tube tells me all I need to know about her desire to adopt a baby at 50.

Yay, the gallery wants Frances! They’re putting together a package for her, woot! Dallas (Talia Balsam) is so happy for her! What’s going to happen with the gallery she just leased?

They see Robert walking with Lily (Sterling Jerins) and Tom (Charlie Kilgore): did he take them to church?? He did! And that’s not a carwash, izzit? What if they’re going to another church? I don’t understand. I don’t understand, do they not have a religion?

Now Robert and the kids are at an archery range, that looks like a great day out, to be honest. I have no religion, because I have strong opinions about organized religion, but I understand the pull of church in small communities. Plus getting to shoot at shite outside, but maybe not to Robert’s level. of required commitment.

What’s Tom good at? Non-venomous snakes? Robert’s trying super hard, I’ll give him that, even though hot milkshakes sound disgusting.

Guess what that means? Non-venomous snakes at Frances’ house! This is where it comes in: Dad gets to be the fun, good guy and Mom has to be the bad cop. I hear that’s pretty common.

Robert’s acting weird…like super positive and manic. Is he happy? Oh. He’s renewed his faith in God and it’s making him maintain eye contact for faaaarrrr longer than necessary. He’s over the top happy to hear about her job offer from Sothebys and it’s like the happier he is, the more disappointed she is.

This happens, right? Because divorce is so scary and filled with uncertainty in the beginning, but it’s typically after a long period of distance and / or conflict, so when you emerge from the cloud of pain: yay! But then to see your former partner happy without you; it hurts. It hurts when they move on quickly, when it looks like they are finally happy in a way you weren’t able to help them find. It’s irrational, because you’re probably ALSO much happier, too, but it’s soooooo human to want people to feel pain at the loss of you from their life. I hear eventually you move on and don’t notice so much. Let’s see what Frances and Robert do!

Frances talks it over with Dallas, putting it much more succinctly than I:

Cole’s girlfriend Riley (Lizzy DeClement) wanders out for a glass of water, is she flirting with Frances? Those were definitely comehumpme eyes. Is this girl after EVERYTHING Dallas has in her life? Good luck with the gay ex-husband! Dallas’s reaction is disturbing, though, I have three boys and I sincerely hope I never call any of my son’s partners sluts or refer to them boning any of my sons. I mean.

Dallas does shed some light on something that Frances hadn’t thought of: if she takes that job at Sotheby’s, that becomes part of Robert’s standard of living and she’ll have to pay him his half.

Max confirms that; Robert could make such a claim, regardless of separation date and since she already told him about the job, it’s even likely. Then he can’t find a pen and he’s gone again.

Frances agrees to accept the position at Sotheyby’s, she would just like to defer the start date, which is standard operating procedure in case of pregnancy or illness, that kind of thing. Oh no, Frances, for a recruiter, you’re not very good at body language, Emmett Schaab is losing interest in you filling this position by the minute.

It sounds so shady is the problem: she’s not deferring her start date, but rather her salary, working for free for 6 months then possibly a bonus at the end of the year…it’s just. Not Sotheby’s, I bet. Emmet looks overwhelmed and Courtney didn’t even know she was going to be there.

Sotheby’s definitely can’t do this.

Her offer is being withdrawn as she still…keeps…talking. She’s probably also lost the opportunity to headhunt for Sotheby’s for this and future positions. I wonder what would happen if she just trusted that Robert wouldn’t make that claim? Just trusted that he’s actually happy with her success? Trust is probably the hardest thing to come by in a divorce, though, that and decent moving boxes.

Robert is having a great time in church, it’s only here he can be totally honest. Perhaps slightly too honest (dial back the “spread it for another guy” and “cleaned his worship in there pretty good”, Robert) but he is struggling too, Frances.

Frances gives up, calling Courtney to tell her she’ll be passing on the job. The timing is not great right now and I was right: they’re going with another firm for their executive search needs. Less messy. *click*

Robert’s gone to see Julian (Jermaine Clement) while he’s lecturing, hoo boy. He keeps throwing in French words randomly and talking about perversion, yeah. Subtle as a truck. HE’S FROM NEW ZEALAND!! Robert follows him after, stopping him in the hallway. “I’m Robert Defresne, you f*cked my wife.”

“Frances? Dufresne.” “By the way, I’m not French.” Robert gives Julian a gun and absolution; he knows the right thing to do.

What

The

FUCK, Robert??

Frances curls up with a book and the snake; Tom? Get down here! Robert’s kicking shite around the work area, ohhhhh, he’s shooting testosterone, which is part of the Tony Silvercreek (Dean Winters) 6 Point Plan to Happiness as a Divorced Male and maybe why he thought it was a appropriate to give a gun and a suggestion of suicide to a rival for his ex-wife’s affections.

Frances has the kids move the snake OUT of her cozy reading room and finally takes off her wedding ring. Ah Dufresnes.

Until next time, you lot, cheers