Woot! The title of Game of Thrones S6:E9 Battle of the Bastards makes me think we may see Jon Snow kicking Ramsay Bolton’s wee toned behind this episode! Fingers crossed! I am so happy, the fantastic Veronica is back to do gifs for me, rolling after the break:

Oh man, Previously On shows us Shireen; I can’t do that, yo. Her face when she saw the pyre…okay, in case that makes no sense to anyone: Princess Shireen was murdered by her father Stannis Baratheon, who was told by Melisandre that her blood sacrifice to the Lord of Light was necessary to ensure his victory. It was even worse than that, she had the Stoneman’s disease and he had just done this very moving speech about how important she was and how she was his Princess of the House Baratheon. It was fcuking terrible.

Dany is up high, watching the very unrealistic-looking battle of Meereen, coming inside to watch a jumpy Tyrion suggesting they should maybe hide now? He knows the Masters will not rest until Meereen is dead, if they leave it standing it will be as though they are saying people can live without Masters and they can’t have that.

Dany has another plan, through, she wants to crucify all the Masters (again), sink all their boats, destroy their cities back to dirt and Tyrion thinks he’s heard all this before, when her daddeh sat on the Iron Throne just before Tyrion’s brother Jamie the Kingslayer got at him. NO I DON’T THINK I COULD GET ANY MORE WORDS IN THAT SENTENCE FANKS!

Tyrion wants to suggest an alternate approach, and I have HAD it with these stupid political shenanigans! I don’t want to watch CSPAN!! I want to watch Drogon roast some slaveowners, come ON!!

Just then, the Masters gain access to Dany’s chambers; they are brought down to parley. Tyrion tells the Masters they are there to discuss terms of surrender, but the arrogant Masters misunderstand and flex their muscles. It must be very difficult for her, but she needs to understand: her reign is over. But no, she counters, we’re not talking about OUR surrender, we meant YOUR surrender and “my reign has just begun” and then Drogon approacheth!

She climbs onto his back and surveys the city while the Masters scatter; the other two dragons break out of their prison too! The Sons of the Harpy are killing slaves in the most bloody way possible, to be confronted by the Dothraki horde, who show them no mercy.

Dany and the other dragons set to work burning some of the Masters’ ships in the harbour while Grey Worm reminds the soldiers helping the leaders of the Masters: they have a choice. They can die defending their charges, or they can go home. That’s just like in Breaking Bad, and as then, the hired hands all scoot.

The Masters are realising their vulnerability in their whole killing everyone and storming the castle bit, but Dany’s decided only one of them must die today, which is really a much better offer than they’d get from anyone else they just tried to kill. Tyrion understands their confusion “it always seems a bit abstract, doesn’t it? Other people dying.”

Tyrion is so handsome-looking! All unruly chestnut hair and gleaming eyes, I tell you.

The Masters shove one of their number forward, forcing the condemned man in guyliner to kneel. He’s the only one to live, Grey Worm slicing through the throats of the other two easily. Tyrion tells Guyliner to tell the people what’s happened here, and that they should really not plan any retribution. It will just be that much worse for them. I think Dany ended up with a bunch of ships just then.

Jon and Sansa are talking to Ramsay Bolton and crew; I swear to all that is holy: if that sadistic c-word that doesn’t moo doesn’t get his, and soon, I will make an Ramsay effigy out of a rotten banana and squish it in the most flattening way possible. I mean it, I’ll do it! I’ve got two such bananas as we speak! He does his usual posturing, but he’s joking and we know that too, he just likes to hear himself talk and to point sharp things at people. Dany, send your possible brother / betrothed a dragon for a weekend, would you?

Blah blah everyone’s going to die blah kneel blah I missed you dear wife of mine blah blah BLAH man of mercy blah EVERYBODY kneel or somefing along those lines and Jon agreed with at least part of that. He doesn’t think thousands of men have to die, he suggests just one of them does. I mean this in the best way possible; my money is not on Jon. Unfortunately. If we couched this in terms of the NBA Finals 2016 (this is for hubs): the Golden State Warriors have dominated the news, but LeBron James made this a year to remember. In this scenario: Jon Snow is LeBron, Steph Curry is Ramsay Bolton (slaying with three-pointers instead of flaying) and shite’s about to go DOWN.

We won’t find out, though, because Ramsay KNOWS his army is bigger and he’s not putting his sausage on the line for any measuring. Jon asks if his army will still fight for him if they know he’s not willing to fight for them? Ooooh, I agree with Ramsay for the first time ever: Jon’s GOOOOOOD!

Ramsay’s still got an ace up his sleeve, though, the young Rickon Stark. Sansa questions if he can even prove that, and I bet she’s going to wish she hadn’t asked that.

Ramsay gestures at his helperknight, Smalljon Umber (with an extremely intriguing face), who pulls out the head of Rickon’s direwolf.

Ramsay stares at Sansa’s face, drinking in all of her pain, smug and content, about to carry on when she interrupts: “You’re going to die tomorrow, Lord Bolton. Sleep well”

Ooooh, I LOVE that, and not just because she sounds like it’s an inexorable fate rolling his way through the mist, but also because she still uses his title, to make sure he really, really got it. He looks spooked but recovers long enough to trash talk Jon and his men a little. Blah blah prepare to die blah loved assaulting your sister blah see you in the morning!

TeamSansaJon is strategizing; Ser Davos and Jon know what’s up but Tormund doesn’t exactly understand what a pinscher move is…big eyes! They have the numbers, TeamSJ needs patience, advises Ser Onion. Jon’s just trying to irritate Ramsay, wants Bolton’s blood up and not thinking clearly.

Sansa questions their planning; they don’t KNOW Ramsay and she does. They fight, she’s so ANGRY that he won’t listen to her, she knew approaching so soon with too small of an army was a problem, but he wouldn’t listen to her. She wants Jon to not do what Ramsay’s expecting, because blood up or not: Ramsay is a tactician. She’s at least acknowledged that they will never see Rickon again, Jon thinks there’s still a chance, but I think they’ll only see him flayed alive before them. She won’t go back to Bolton alive, she tells Jon, who promises that her husband will never lay a finger on her again. “I will protect you” he swears, but “Nobody can protect anyone” she says and is oot.

Davos and Tormund talk about their fallen kings, they were both wrong about their alliances. Does Davos want to join the Wildlings in some nummies to get ready for the battle? No, our Ser Onion likes to walk and walk and walk until he can find a quiet place to poop his guts oot. “Happy shitting!” invites Tormund.

Jon’s in to see Melisandre, who I hate all over again because I saw Princess Shireen in the Previously On. He wants to make sure she doesn’t bring him back to life if he dies again, but she will not honour his Do Not Resuscitate, she serves only the Lord of Light.

Oh noooo, Davos’s poop walk has taken him to the funeral pyre of Princess Shireen, where in amongst the chunks of wood is the wooden stag he carved for her and that she carried to her death. He is going to want words with the Red Woman, I’d wager.

Yara and Theon have made it to Meereen; Theon’s being raked over the coals quite thoroughly by Tyrion, who doesn’t want to hear any more of their stupid dwarf jokes, fanks. Yara makes some inroads with Dany, who arches a brow at Tyrion for Yara’s all-ladies-together approach. They tell her about Euron’s impending offer (rhymes with “big smock”), is there a competing marriage demand from Yara and Theon? Yara replies “well, I never demand, but I’m up for anything, really” in a super-smokey voice and just like that, I like Yara for the first time!

Dany will entertain their offer, though, but she does have a demand of her own: if she accepts them as allies, they will support her claim as head of the seven kingdoms and stop all that “roving, reaping, raiding and…raping”, which confuses Yara: that’s their way of life. She looks to Theon, who nods slightly, and holds out her arm for a handholdshake. Dany turns to look at Tyrion, who tries to hide his smirk as he nods slightly as well. Armhugging for alll! I can practically smell the Yara / Dany slash fanfic from here: like seaweed and smoked Master.

The time has come, the Tormund said, to fight for many things. For Sansa and Starks and Winterfell, for cabbages and Kings. Jon’s lined up his army, counting heads and soothing ranks, while men crucified upside down burn on Ramsay’s (much larger) side. Ramsay ushers Rickon forward, this will be where Sansa’s clear head will be much more useful than all of Jon’s passion.

Ramsay leads Rickon onto the field, raising his dagger high ahead of him and then…cutting the rope that ties his hands. Would he like to play a game? Let’s see if he can run to his brother in time! He pushes Rickon while someone else hands him a bow and quiver full of arrows. Rickon RUNS and Jon rides out.

He does pretty well (I watched through my fingers); being felled of course just as Jon reaches him, so dumb, Jon, now you know he could get you as well! Jon stops, struck dumb watching his half-brother die as Tormund whispers “Don’t” in the background and Davos waits with bated breath. Ramsay smiles.

Jon’s frozen, moving just as the arrows fly at him and Davos starts to whip up the army.

The arrows fly as Jon rides ever closer; his horse is felled but he will not stop. He stands, taking off his belt and drawing his sword as Ramsay’s army bears down upon him. The music swells as he raises his sword and…his army crashes around him to attack Ramsay’s, and now the battle is joined. WHAT A SHOT!!! It is unbelievable.

Davos doesn’t want to rain arrows on their own people; guess who doesn’t care about who he kills trying to win? GUESS??? I watched as best I could, but it was so STABBY!! And they kept hurting the HORSES!! Jon seemed to do all right.

So! Many! Dead! Jon is right in the thick of it, dodging arrows to and fro while Ramsay stays far away from the fray ordering more and more arrow strikes. Davos and the rest of the crew jump in, Jon is all in and they are severely outnumbered AND surrounded. Ramsay has created a giant circular Iron Maiden, with men with large metal shields and long pikes pressing inwards to kill front line after front line. That’s why Ramsay had to wait until Davos and everyone else was engaged, can’t have anyone coming up from behind the pikemen.

Jon is trapped in the middle, where is Sansa? Can she sneak up and kill Bolton? My god, I’d forgive Game of Thrones all of this if Sansa got to kill Bolton. Jon and his army aren’t just sitting there waiting to die, though, they’re working around the pikes and WunWun is making great inroads.

Tormund gets piked!! What?? Just in the shoulder, okay okay I HATE IT WHEN I HAVE TO WATCH!!!! And then Jon’s DOWN!! He’s in the mud as everyone’s climbing over top trying to get to the top and out of this death pit. I don’t think he’s hurt, but he’s going to be SQUISHED!! MOTHERFCUKER!

He gets out of the scrum long enough to breathe, but now he looks as though that press is killing him.

Holy shit, Tormund tore out the throat of Smalljon Umber with the intriguing face; he went full on Rick Grimes on him!! Holy SHITE!!

And another army is there! It’s Littlefinger’s army, and their mounted soldiers cut through the pikemen on foot like a hot knife through butter, but much much more stabby.

Sansa and Petryr watch and smirk. Ramsay sees which way things are going and turns tail as Jon and WunWun make after him.

Oh no….WunWun makes it through the gate but that is the end of our Big Unfriendly Giant oh WunWun. Thank you for everything.

Ramsay’s been thinking, he’d like that one on one combat now, if Jon’s game? He shoots arrow after arrow at Jon, who advances with a shield and takes him down hard. He beats Bolton to a bloody pulp, stopping as Sansa watches.

They bring Rickon’s body into Winterfell; Jon directs them to bury Rickon next to his father as Sansa approaches: where is he?

Davos rubs the carved deer and watches Melisandre, will he push her evil arse over the wall?

A battered and bloody Ramsay is tied to a chair in a cell; Sansa watches but doesn’t speak immediately. Nothing of him will remain and to make sure, she’s bringing in his hounds. He’s been starving them for seven days, after all, will his loyal beasts still honour their Master, or will we see, as the Masters did, that there not always need to be Masters?

They eat him. I didn’t watch and did my best to not listen, but it was really growly and barky and slurpy. Yuck. I mean, ding dong the sadist is dead, and Lady Sansa appears to be adjusting to her recent widowhood quite well, walking away with a smirk.

I’ve not seen a full battle like that before and it was enthralling and muddy and bloody and tactical and in the end: so brutal. No horses were actually hurt, right?? Goodbye WunWun, I’ll miss you the most of all the wildlings we lost today. I’m very interested in the time bomb that is Ser Davos, looking at Melisandre and clutching that wooden deer.  I also hate that Sansa had to go to Petyr, who sold her into the slavery with Bolton in the first place, but I’m glad she did. Until next time for the season finale! EEeeeehh!