Hi everyone! The night is dark and full of spoilers; Veronica and I are tag-teaming another Game of Thrones recap! We’re rolling S7:E2 Stormborn (guessing all Dany all the time) after the break!

We open on an exceedingly dark and stormy night; the DanyGang is in full effect with Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clark) Osama Bin Laden Brown Lady of One Thousand Names carefully raking Lord Varys (Conleth Hill) over the coals. He’s brought in the Tyrells (yay Olenna Tyrell; she’s my FAVOURITE) to their side but she questions his loyalty, given he’s supported and betrayed every single person who’s been in power for the last millennia. Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage) hovers in the background, watching everyone while suggesting that Dany could take over the seven kingdoms without murdering everyone; just get the big houses to acknowledge her claim: easy peasy!

Daenerys is not so easily distracted; she doesn’t trust the Lord of Whispers and she wants his arse-covering arse gone. He speaks plainly: he is for the people, the ones hurt by despots and the ones that flourish under just rule. He thinks she is that just ruler; if she doesn’t let Drogon eat him he will do whatever he can to serve her. He chooses her!

Dany agrees on one condition: that if she ever fails the people, he tells her to her face and doesn’t organize a rebellion first. Deal!

VS: There was a lot of mention of eyes, and for reals I thought she was going to flame grill Varys’ eyeballs for breakfast but let him live. Phew! Varys is a special sort, I don’t think we’ve seen anywhere near what he can do, apart from travel at the speed of light. Girlfriend is everywhere. Dany knows what he and his little birds can do, the girl is a smart cookie. I have to clarify, I don’t dislike Dany, I just think that she sometimes takes too long (7 books might have clouded my thoughts here) to get shit done. You have DRAGONS, lady.  And they hongray.

Oh heeey, Melisandre (Carice van Houten) is here to hop aboard the DanyTrain too! Lord Varys immediately brings up dead Stannis Baratheon (WHO MURDERED HIS BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER ON THE WORD OF THIS HAG) to be pushed back by Dany, she’s having a special on pardoning those who served the wrong king.

Melisandre brings up the the prophecy that guides her: “the prince who is promised will bring the dawn.” After some clearing up of confusion re: gender (prophecies are so non-binary, square), we’re up and rolling again.

VS: My eyes nearly rolled outta my head at the clarification, way to make it fit, you Not GRRM writers, you. Anyhoo, Melisandre is making new friends and doesn’t seem to have sacrificed any children this week or birthed any smoke babies lately, so Dany is coo with her.  

But The Red Woman has come with an idea; summon Jon Snow (Kit Harington) to wherever the Sam Hill they are, he’s been dead, he’s seen stuff, he can speak to what the Lord of Light has to say. Tyrion doesn’t know about this witchwoman nonesuch, but he knows and likes Jon Snow, so he seconds the motion.

VS: I was kinda fangirling at hearing Dany say the name Jon Snow several times, this is a huge moment really in GoT lore. It also brings back memories of the first season with Jon and Tyrion heading to the Wall, before shite got reals. The meeting between Dany and Jon is gonna blow my tiny little mind.

Dany accepts their counsel and agrees to send a raven asking Jon to come bend his knee, just like Cersei! Tyrion looks unsure, but I would totally ask Jon Snow to bend a knee, just in a cave.

VS: On your knees, boy! Or maybe if I got on mine, we’d be the same height?

Jon talks over the raven with his sister Sansa (Sophie Turner) and Ser Davos Seaworth (Liam Cunningham); Sansa vouches for Tyrion but Davos is mostly interested in their fire. That could kill the Walkers! Jon can’t meet with her, clearly, but they should totally talk. And get married. Unless they’re brother and sister, then they should just pretend to keep their humping a secret?

VS: Dany is technically Jon’s Aunt, so they should definitely not be doing any humping. No touchy!

Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey) gives a rousing speech meant to scare everyone into compliance, Samwell’s ahole dad asks about the dragons and is answered by creepy mad scientist Qyburn (Anton Yesser) who’s right up there on the throne stage with Cersei.

Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) grabs Lord Tarly (James Faulkner) and Dickon Tarly (Tom Hopper – THAT’S A NAME!! He’s cuuuute) after, Jaime appreciates his coming to show his allegiance. DON’T COMPLIMENT THIS GUY!!

Ohhh but now we’re to it; Lord (JERK) Tarly is a longtime friend and ally of Olenna Tarly, Jaime is pushing Randyll into a corner to make a choice.

VS: He may be hawt but the name Dickon would totally deflate my lady boner. Sorry to any other Dickons out there. One thing you have to give Tarly, he’s staying loyal to the Tyrells . . . so far. You better not try and take out our Lady Olenna, we will cut a bitch!

Archmaester Ebrose (Jim Broadbent) and Samwell (John Bradley) are seeing to poor, afflicted Ser Jorah Mormont (Iain Glenn) whose greyscale is too advanced for them to help. Jorah could live for years before he dies from it, but he’ll only get one more day there. *meaningful nodding at Jorah’s sword* Sam hears Jorah’s name for the first time and swallows his tongue, but it won’t mean anything to anyone any more. I LOVE YOU, SER FRIENDZONE!!

VS: Whoops got his name wrong last week, I wrongly assumed he was Marwyn the Mage from the book, my bad! Seems to be a similar character though. Um, there must be something wrong with me but even with the greyscale, Jorah is looking foiiiine. And dat voice.

Plus I really do love Archmaester Ebrose, his matter of fact attitude about everything (no, they can’t save Jorah as Shireen was saved) is just aces.

Qyburn shows Cersei what he’s been working on with regards to their dragon problem; he’s come up with a giant crossbow that works magic on shooting dead dragon skulls not moving about. Way to go, Tiger, let me know when you have something that moves.

VS: Ohhh, I find this to be kinda lazy writing. The Hobbit and BARD THE BOWMAN anyone? Smaug and his vulnerable spot? Sigh. I was expecting something Wildfire related at least.

Yara Greyjoy (Gemma Whelan – who was magic in The Moorside!) doesn’t understand why they aren’t hitting King’s Landing right NOW! Ellaria Sand (Indira Varma – she was in a miniseries called Paranoid; her character wasn’t written very well so I couldn’t tell if that’s why it was…uneven) similarly wants to press forth, earning a sharp retort from Tyrion who can’t believe she poisoned his niece FOR NO REASON.

VS: The Sand Snakes seriously need to go, booooring. Sweet outfits, but really, a whip? And they poisoned my boy Bronn. Where is the cheeky chappy anyhow?

Olenna Tyrell (Diana Rigg) is here too, yay!!! She advises Dany to hit hard and fast, nobody will fall in line unless they fear her. She calls her late, great granddaughter Margaery a beloved queen and I dunno about that, exactly.

Daenerys gets it, fanks for your input but BACK OFF. She’s not hitting King’s Landing, THEY’RE not hitting King’s Landing and that’s all there is to be said about it! Now fetch mama a gin and put on her stories, it’s been a long day already. KIDS.

Tyrion lays out the plan of attack: so as not to play into the xenophobia and fear of foreigners that Cersei is whipping up *cougheverywherecough*, it will be Westerosi attacking King’s Landing, specifically the Tyrell and Dornish armies. Yara’s going to ferry everyone about while Grey Worm (Jacob Anderson) will lead the Unsullied and the Dothraki horde to take Casterley Rock.

Everyone’s a little shocked that it’s Tyrion proposing to lay siege to his own family at its root and current power base, but everyone’s fully on board. Everyone but Olenna is excused, Dany wants some one on one time.

Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen), the big jerk, is still alive, yay! Ish. Yeah yeah, he saved Sansa, but then there’s that whole murdering children and helping people destroy the Starks, so.

VS: Oh FFS, use your dragons woman! You think Cersei would be keeping those suckers on a leash? Nuh uh. Sometimes you gotta think like the enemy. Surely you could just singe a few eyebrows?

Lady Olenna was thinking what I was thinking: Tyrion’s got a great plan, but…on paper. She’s outlived a whole bunch of other clever men like Tyrion because she knows people. You lead or you follow, baby, is Dany a sheep? Nope, she’s a dragon.

Since Olenna and I were thinking the same things, we’re practically the same person, right??

Missandi (Nathalie Emmanuel) can’t believe Grey Worm was gonna leave without saying goodbye! Y U DO THAT, GW??

I awwwwed and teared up when he gave his speech about his love for her introducing him to fear and then we’re onto making the sex! How long has it been since we saw any nudity on GoT, Veronica? Let alone a full shot of someone singing the national anthem into his ladyfriend’s privates! That’s gotta be Grey Worm’s go-to move, since he lost his franks and beans lo those many years ago.

VS: Ah to be young and in the prime of your naked body on camera life. I loved this, Grey Worm finally got to show some emotion and vulnerability, beautiful. And nicely shot, not too pron like.

Samwell thinks he’s found the answer for treating Ser Friendzone but Archmaester Ebrose doesn’t think it’s as promising as he does, what with the guy who discovered the treatment dying of greyscale.

Samwell isn’t giving up that easily, he’s curing Jorah with or without sanction.

Have a seat, this is gonna hurt. A LOT. “Please try not to scream.”

VS: The Archmaester is hilarious, he and Sam are such Harry Potter characters. I love the scholarly bluntness.  And as if he doesn’t know what Samwell is about.

And then Sam proceeds to remove all of the greyscale in excruciating detail. HONESTLY.

VS: Oh God, Jorah’s face as Sam HACKS away at the greyscale. Who wouldda thunk that shy little Sam would end up being such a badass?

Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) runs into an old friend on the road; Hot Pie (Ben Hawkley) has really come along with his breadmaking! He’s not very impressed with her table manner, say scuse me when you burp, milady!

He’s got good gossip, though, this is the first time Arya’s heard that Jon is King of the North (I always think of Robb Stark when I hear that, sorry Jon), he’s her brother innt he? Arya suddenly remembers somewhere she’s gotta be, take care Hot Pie. Aww, he calls her pretty and we all flinch.

VS: HOT PIEEEEE! I’d put money on a Gendry reunion soon too, woo hoo! I love he still calls Arya Arry, as if he still thinks she’s a boy. But girl, you eat like a pig, too much time spent with the Hound eating chickens. But, I NEED THIS REUNION TO HAPPEN, like, now. Jon and Arya are the cutest!

Jon’s finally got the raven from Samwell about Dragonstone being make of dragonglass, that’s made up his mind to go meet Daenerys after all. Sansa and the army are confused and angry; you can’t trust a Targaryen! OR a Lannister! They have a point, but Tyrion and Dany are completely different from their relatives: Tyrion hasn’t humped any of his kin and Dany hasn’t barely tried to murder anyone with that napalm-y stuff.

Jon looks very sad as he explains that he’ll be going his own way, own wayyyy-o. The problem is that he’s the only one there who’s seen the Night Army. Sansa is incensed; he can’t go! He can’t leave his people, his home, he’s abandoning it and them!

Oh but he’s not, he’s leaving it in your hands, Sansa. Lady Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie) is almost as happy to hear it as Petyr Baelish (Aiden Gillen).

VS: Ooooh boy, I have this terrible feeling that Sansa is gonna go a bit Cersei-like. Girlfriend has a lot of anger after her time in King’s Landing and at the Bolton’s. Brienne would follow her through anything, and Littlefinger has never played nice. There’s gonna be some shenanigans while Daddy Jon is away. Does this means Jon won’t be there when Arya arrives? Booooo.

Petyr figures this is the time to properly introduce himself to Jon, but at least Jon remembers who betrayed his dad Ned. Littlefinger brings up Cat even, poor form, Petyr, shhh. Yeah Cat didn’t like Jon but since you are creepily trying to bang her lookalike daughter, you probably shouldn’t talk about it. Jon forbids Petyr to speak to Sansa with some wall-slamming, I dunno, Jon. Littlefinger is completely untrustworthy but he always gets what he wants. I wouldn’t want to be on the other side of him. One weekend!

VS: Ruh roh.  Littlefinger is gonna be that little devil on Sansa’s shoulder. Mwahahahahaaa

It’s cold out, making a horse crazy near Arya, could the White Walkers be near? Nope, it’s a passel of wolves, good thing Arya’s of the direwolf clan! They surround Arya, the big white one might be Nymeria! Yay!! Arya asks Nymeria to come with her, but she won’t. Maybe because she’s not Nymeria? Veronica, little help?

VS: Okay. So. That was Nymeria for sure. According to DB Weiss, one of the showrunners, the “That’s not you”, meant that coming back to Winterfell and being with Arya was not Nymeria’s fate anymore. She has her own role to play now. And in a cute callback, it’s an echo of Arya telling her father Ned that being and lady and getting married is not for her, “That’s not me”.

Yara’s bringing Ellaria and her annoying daughters to Westeros, some chitchat as foreplay and JUST when Yara and Ellaria are throwing down

Euron Greyjoy (Pilou Asbaek) attacks. I hate Euron but that is the coolest gangplank EVER.

Yara and her crew are so outmatched it is embarrassing. Ellaria is taken for Cersei and her daughters slaughtered and hung from the rafters. Euron takes a moment to emasculate Theon, who was doing GREAT before that, but really: there’s a lot I didn’t watch. Game of Thrones goes grosss.

VS: So busy snoogling up to Ellaria that you don’t notice your whole fleet has been overrun and you’re about to be boarded in a totally different way? You’re a terrible captain, Yara. WHERE ARE YOUR LOOKOUTS!? And Theon, I had high hopes, son. I get it. I do. And I feel for you, but DUDE! Yara’s face said it all. Uncy Euron is not gonna be nice. That dirty hot sonovabitch.

We’re oot.

SO. Randyll Tarly, the son you tried to murder and abandon just might be the whole key to saving the world, what do you think about that, you little shit? I BID YOU GOOD DAY SIR. It was extremely lame to see Jaime sucking up to him like that, but I guess that’s politics, yo. Yay for some sex, although I could have taken slightly less violence, you, Veronica?

VS: It has been a while since we had a good battle, I knew the Sand Snakes were done for, seriously a whip? Ellaria proved herself to be useless without her girls or poison in her hand.  

Can’t wait for Samwell to take the Iron Throne and make his father empty his chamber pot.  If this is how the show ends, you owe me eleventy billion dollars.