Welcome back to my favourite comfort-food-as-baking-show: The Great British Bake Off! This week we’re venturing into the wilds of cookie baking, join me after the break in my recap of GBBO S14:E02 Biscuit Week!
I’m so sad we lost Amos already, aren’t you? He was so lovely and so tall and his whale was very, very cute. We did gain our first star baker, Dan the dad stood out quite clearly, as did our young Abbi. I’ve got my eye on both in a totally non-creepy way!
We’re back in the tent with our new host Alison Hammond, our old host Noel Fielding, old judge Prue Leith and even older judge (chronologically) Paul Hollywood. They’d love our baketestants to make 12 identical marshmallow biccies, please! Any size, shape, whatever you like!
Dana is in adorable overalls (approve!) and is making speculoos but with not chocolate so I don’t understand?
I don’t understand what Keith is doing here with peanut butter but I’m reserving judgement as he’s got it in the shortbread.
(When’s the last time I reserved judgement, I mean, really)
Turns out Keith used to do a bit of standup, Alison tries to get him to do a bit but he’s not biting. Since she’s our new host, I want things to go well for her, I want her to stay! Tell her a gdang bit, Keith!!
Omigosh, Dan‘s kiddos are SO CUTE. They’re all ruddy-cheeked and English-accented, give them all the wagon wheels you want, Dan!
Cristy is making hand-painted tea cakes which I was right on board with until I saw the white chocolate.
Sweaty tattooed footballer Matty is working on his Half Time biscuits, aww he’s getting married to a lovely lady named Laura who takes him with her shopping for wedding dresses because WHY.
Nicky couldn’t be more Scottish if she squeaked; look how yummy these look??
Josh. Josh and his brother grow prize-winning vegetable marrows and I had no idea that actually existed outside of Hercule Poirot novels. What the. Look at these delicious biccies, tho! I love a good cherry.
We’re halfway done and everything looks like I would eat it all, except for the white chocolate bits. Saku bakes cookies every week; I’m on board with her pistachio whatsits.
Oh! Tasha is Australian! And Prue is South African! I learned so much from that one second soundbite! Hullo, ladies, you all sound English! She’s making a malted milk cookie and I am 100% okay with that.
Abbi learned about mixing fancy flavours growing up in Tunisia, another one of those countries I only know about because of 90 Day Fiancé.
Rowan is making palm of violet somethings which upsets Paul.
One hour left: Alison is excited! Or angry? Maybe feeling marchy?
Simple syrup proves to be not-so-simple; it’s the base for the custom marshmallows and literally nobody makes marshmallows from scratch so sure.
We’re all leery of the flavoured extracts; many an ambitious chef has died at the altar of the extra half teaspoon of lemon extract.
With ten minutes to go, we’ve got iffy de-molding all over the tent. A silicone mold seems like a great idea until you’re in a competition and have zero minutes to the finish line.
Frantic flying edible glitter!
And we’re judging wooooo, Dana is up first and her spicy cookies are confusing, maybe dropped but ultimately delicious.
Let’s see how Paul likes Rowan’s palm of violet after all…
They’re so adorable inside! Paul even likes them because he can’t taste the palm of violet.
Saku does a great job.
As does Matty – look how tidy these are?
Paul says there is too much chocolate at the bottom and I BEG YOUR PARDON.
10/10 would eat all of Josh’s cookies. I like the little fruit thingies on top.
And Cristy’s pink dreams are beautiful! Look at these!
There has been a LOT of rose thrown about today, even though Abbi’s got flower petals everywhere, it’s the orange that’s overwhelming.
Dan’s waterwheels look entirely underwhelming by comparison to what we’ve seen so far, but they have an amazing texture, apparently.
Speaking of underwhelming appearance:
Oh Keith.At least Prue loves them.
Nicky’s looks so normal! But there is no jam inside, oh dearie me.
I quite love Tasha’s malted milk stacks.
So does Paul! She gets a Hollywood Handshake!
I love that Alison takes off with two of them after, absolutely would do same.
The Technical is: 12 custard creams in 90 minutes. Prue says it’s all about chilling your biscuit dough enough. I’m sure that will be in the instructions. Oh right, no it won’t.
You know…Saku reminds me a lot of that fella who won a couple of seasons ago, let me check his name what was it, starts with R…Rahul! That kind of quiet self deprecation and whispering.
You know what you shouldn’t do when you are two episodes into a finished season? Ask the Google: GBBO winners. Sigh.
Cristy stole Rowan’s biscuit dough from the freezer!! She did, she took it! Now he’s stuck with her dough and I’m sure it will be fine. Fine.
Keith is having a lot of time management issues, he has to be worried about where he sits in the rankings this week. He had a marshmallow floof stuck to his head the whole first day, I don’t think anyone should have told him.
Judging at the gingham altar!
From worst to best:
– 11th – Keith
– 10th – Saku
– 9th – Cristy
– 8th – Tasha
– 7th – Dana
– 6th – Josh
– 5th – Matty
– 4th – Nikki No Jam
– 3rd – Rowan
– 2nd – Dan
and Abbi wins the Technical!! Woooooo
I always guess before they judge – I was right! I always guess at worst too, I was right on that as well. See how Cristy stealing Rowan’s dough netted her 9th place and him 3rd? Cheaters never prosper.
I feel for Keith, he’s having a bad weekend and sometimes it can be impossible to recover once your melon goes.
Our Showstopper is an amazing illusion biscuit display of the baketestants’s favourite meals which is…okay? Sure. An illusion created with biscuits to look like…food.
Josh’s looks fun! Giant burgers and now I want a burger.
Dana is having pizza and now I want pizza.
Maybe I’m just hungry.
Cristy is concerned that everyone keeps thinking her marzipan parma ham is bacon.
Oh look, Rowan’s doing charcuterie too! College students are so much more upscale than they used to be.
Okay what is happening. Matty?
Is this like how I can’t watch Drag Race anymore because everyone likes it now?
Okay, Abbi is breaking our trend with dim sum!
Ohhhhhh I legit thought Tasha said she was going to make cat food. She said Katsu and I guess two things can be true.
Okay Keith, you can do it! (I mean, he’s still going home)
Saku is using real onions and Allison and I are not happy.
The rest of the meals:
Five minutes to glory, bakers!!
The ShowStoppers!
Tasha:
Very pretty and a good illusion, the flavours are great.
Cristy:
Smart and neat.
Rowan:
Didn’t do quite as well with his charcuterie board, the illusion is kinda gross.
Matty’s charcuterie board, the third in a row:
Fares slightly better; I like the fake pistachios.
Keith:
I like the chips only, but everything is underbaked.
Dana:
Has rather a lot of cheese on that pizza, doesn’t she?? The flavours and textures are on point, good job!
Abbi:
They use rather a lot of apricot on this show, don’t they? I can’t remember ever using it for cookies on purpose. I mean, the judges like it, although this is the second time they’ve mentioned how intense Abbi’s flavours are.
Saku and her onion-filled cookies (herk):
Apparently it tastes good but, kind of boring.
Dan:
I do love a good pistachio shortbread! And so do the judges, if slightly overbaked.
Nicky:
She does alright, if the illusion is pretty easy to see through. I have to try hazelnut with chocolate and orange, people keep going on about how lovely it is.
Josh:
I’m partial to the pickle, myself! The judges absolutely love it, I was expecting a Hollywood Handshake and then Paul followed Josh back to his table to give him one, wooooo!
So is he Star Baker? My money was on Abbi for that but hmmm. Nicky and Keith have to be concerned, but we all know it’s Keith.
The judges say…Star Baker is: Tasha! Oh that was a surprise, I had Abbi in there.
Going home is: Keith and we knew that, didn’t we? Top 12 in Great Britain, Keith, good job!
Until next time, everyone, cheers!
