Welcome back to the second episode of season 6 of Gigolos on Showtime! Let’s see what’s going on in Vegas with our boy toys!

Okay, first off, I have to apologize to Ash. I called him a faux-hippie and maybe objectified him a little, talking about his puffy under-eye area when he was talking about some serious stuff that ended up resonating with me for the rest of this week. My bad, as you were!

HAHAHAHA I’m such a moron, I saw the Eiffel Tower replica and thought “we’re going to France? Yay!” HAHAHA. Anyway, the menz are having drinks and Ash is explaining what he does at his gym: he trains people specifically for sex. I’m picturing walls and walls of glass cabinets FULL of Ben Wa balls and disinfectant spray, but if there’s a Jeebus, I’m wrong.

He’s quite serious about it, looking pissed off when Brace starts nattering on about making an aaaaapppp. You have to hear Brace talk, he draws out his “a”s and it’s all very nasally and some serious over-enunication. So what else is going on?

Renaissance Man Nick has been painting and working on his music. Oh yeah. Nick raps, did I mention? It’s just as bad as you would think. The series he’s working on is called Sensual Elements and if Nick ever stumbled across sensuality, he forgot. He has a gallery interested in showing his pieces based on fire, wind, earth and water and sure you do, Nick. Just like that rap showcase you paid for at a club.

Oh it gets better, he wants each of the boys to name a painting based on the element they connect with OR their zodiac sign..  Ash is earth, of course, could have called that, Bradley says he’s water, and nobody can figure out what Brace is, but the fact that he’s a Libra makes people laugh until they cry. Okay

First date of the evening! It’s Brace, and his date is 36-year-old Shane from Chicago

She says the guys back home are selfish, they don’t take care of women’s needs and she’s outspoken, but let’s get right down to it: she’s kinky AF and she wants Brace to explore what’s out there. By that I probably mean her pierced wobbly bits. She’s into Shibari, specifically, which is the Japanese art of rope tying and now I’m worried about what kind of hits the site is gonna get. She says she’s super dominant and has been looking to find someone with balls bigger than hers and I’m pretty sure I’m tangentally related to her.

Brace looks nervous; what’s the premise, yo? She has a lisp and it’s hilarious when she tries to explain that it’s about creativity and sometimes there’s 50 feet of rope left over and oh they’re going to a “weird motel” with a spanking bench and a cross and Brace is starting to freak the fcuk OOT. He calls himself “vanilla. Ish” and that’s probably an understatement. He’s not like Jimmy, who let a woman put his cock in a cage in season 1 for three days and ride him like a sad pony.

She says she picked Brace because of his sense of humour and calls herself “go with the flow” and bish PLEASE! You just spent 10 minutes talking about how dominant and outspoken you are; what about that says “go with the flow” to you? She has 250 feet of rope in her bag. 250 feet. Brace is just hoping she doesn’t have a shovel and a plastic bag too at this point.

I wanna see a motel that has a built-in cross and Spanking Bench! She has special rope, because of course she does, hand-dyed and oh yeah, totally go with the flow. Brace asks er-oooh “safeword??” and she’s like nah, I’ll just ask you how you’re doing. Er-oooh “Really??”

He’s laying in the middle of the bed, staring at himself in the mirror and I can’t even imagine what seeing him in person like that would be: like a giant, hairless, muscled Oompa Loompa. She’s doing the “futomomo leg tie” and I am again worried about exactly what kind of hits that will bring the site, but it mostly just looks uncomfortable. She says she’s going to leave his hands free and legs immobile, so we’ll see.

He’s digging how her knots look and sends several minutes staring at his wobbly bits, questioning his very existence and he just wants to get through.  Be the water flowing around the rock. She comes out of the bathroom and starts the goodtimes with. Well, PG-13 means she says hello to his privates.

He’s all excited about being set free, he feels like an eagle set free to soar, no wait, she’s the eagle and they’re flying, I don’t fcuking know! He feels liberated and then they have vanilla-ish sex and all is right with the world for Brace.

In Nick’s art studio, he’s inspired by what he does and he wants to incorporate that into his work for his fans and supporters. Is he tracing a design?? Huh. And then he fills it in with paint? I agree with him when he says that people need to grow their brains and hey, if this works for him, good for him.

Bradley and Vin have a double date, Vin is seeing 30-year-old Callie from Maryland

And Bradley will be dating her bestie, 35-year-old Cora, also from Maryland

Vin says double dates are common, I guess there are some women who feel more comfortable doing something like this with a friend. I bet they’re the type of women who won’t walk into a bar alone, too and lemme just say: I am not that woman.

Vin is alll over Callie, he does like them thicker woo hoo! She’s hired a gigolo previously, and thought her buddy Cora might benefit from some action, and no, they will not be rolling a four-way this evening, Vin. Two doubles, thank you very much. I feel a little bad for Bradley, Vin is ALLLL personality (and how to put this…says hello to privates the BEST) so Bradley’s gonna have to work to stand out.

Drinks! Bradley says sure, he’ll take orders, but Cora lets him know right up front that she expects him to take the lead later. Callie warns Vin that she’s “very insatiable” and as much as I like to make up words and use them in ways they were for sure not intended, that made my teeth grind. That’s like saying “very unique” or “very pregnant” or irregardless. Don’t do that.

Callie and Vin are making out already, while Cora and Bradley are watching  while he’s working his sauve moves, which involves staring at Vin and Callie with his mouth open. She even has to say to him “They’re having their fun time. And I’m with you to have my fun time.” HINT HINT HINT. He just keeps staring at the door

Vin is spanking already, which he loves doing during “the act of…making love” but is it making love if there’s spanking, he asks? I don’t know! Do you know each other’s last names? Are there flowers and / or candles strewn about? Those are things we need to know before we can make that determination.

There is a flogger, though, so maybe not making love exactly after all. Bradley is so distracted by the noises through the open door and the shadows of the flogger that he can’t focus on anything whatsoever. Cora eventually stands up in front of him to get it goin’ and then it’s a humpathon. Nothing PG-13 can be said about any of that.

We’re at Nick’s show at the art gallery, I mean. Honestly. They go over the names for the paintings. Ash has gone with “Rooted Passion”, Vin calls his “Flame’s Embrace” which confuses everyone but he says it reminds him of the visions he’s had while taking ayuhuasca which will net us a BUNCH more soon-to-be-disappointed Googlers, which is a psychadelic vine from the Amazon and I am legit so stupid cuz I’m like “he ordered it from Amazon?” And then he has to take 5 minutes explaining what the title means and I realise I am not too stupid to recap this show, I am jussstttt right.

Bradley wants to call his water painting Sensual Elevation but that doesn’t have anything to do with water, exactly…he can’t get away from elevation, I guess because one is being lifted? Nobody agrees or understand (I don’t think water gets absorbed into the body the way he thinks it does), so they move on to Brace. Brace talks so much (hairy legged maybe humans) that Nick just writes down what he says to get him to stop talking. “Reckless Vortex of Love” it is!

Garren (in a shirt open to his navel with his bluetooth in his ear. I mean) bought the un-named water pic, awww! He’s so supportive! Hey says Nick, did you notice I’m the guy in each of these paintings? And Vin “oh wait Nick, you painted yourself into your own paintings? Surprise surprise” HAHAHA. And we oot!