So this is it for Gigolos until next year, let’s join our studly crew for one moar trip around the world!

We open poolside at Brace’s house; our friendly neighborhood sex therapist is giving hypnosis lessons to the fellas and I’ll give them credit, they sit quietly and pretend to listen. I mean. The premise is that the guys can induce orgasm in their clients by putting them in an altered state. Let me and Judy Tenuta help you out with a better way to do that, fellas:

L*CK HER

That’s it, check with Vin: BOOM! Done and DONE! I could not find that Judy Tenuta gif and that makes me a very sad panda.

Brace is feeling as skeptical as I am, he’s just more obnoxious and drunker about it. “Is it real or just bullllshit like everything else in life?” That’s pretty rude to say to a paid guest, Brace, dial it back a scootch!

It’s not just the hypnosis and Patron & pineapple Brace is struggling with, however, he seems to have reached an existential crossroads, asking “what about someone who is struggling to get through this painful, hurtful relationship and they just feel like the world is coming to an end?” while he’s all sweaty and veiny: what’s going on??

Ash calls him on his rudeness, though, proper thing, but he’ll let it pass since Brace is his elder. Weird vibe indeed.

Date Time! It’s a Nick Hawk date, with Heather, who calls herself a fun-loving, vivacious and sexy retiree.

She’s also married with children, which gives Nick pause. Her husband is aware that she is doing this however, but like Nick when he’s in open relationships (which I imagine he would have to be, in this line of work), her hubs doesn’t want to know the details. Now that Nick’s satisfied the little lady isn’t out banging around like a gong without permission (I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT because the idea that a woman should be judged BY NICK HAWK for what she does with her own body and her own marital vows makes me FAR TOO SHOUTY), they talk about how messed up the whole cuckold-fetish is. You know, for someone who lives in a glass house, Mr. Hawk, you’ve sure got a lot of hard and fast rules about what’s okay.

Also, Heather is a grandmother with a Regular Person body (yay!!), who wants to bet me $10 Nick just goes straight from pants drop to home run? Anyone? Anyone? I didn’t think so

She’s not a cheater and never would be, but she gets a hall pass because her husband was left paralyzed and without desire after a drunk driving accident. They commiserate about her poor hubs and then get to the rocking and rolling. Anyone got that $10 on the table? She’s never been with a younger man, but she’s always had a “weakness for bad boys” *so many all the herks*

I’ve been thinking more about the rumour that the sex scenes are casted, well, not a rumour exactly, since they’re advertising for actors, but it makes sense how Nick always acts: he is very competitive and being the Best Gigolo Ever on a Date has to be an irresistible challenge. Just like the rapping, however, he falls far short of Vin.

ANYWAY, here we are! It’s Go Time! She’s nervous, wanting him to still find her sexy and my black, black soul weeps for her just then. They start in the usual fashion, with her saying hello to Nick Jr., then her ginch are pulled off and it’s liftoff. I mean. He didn’t lay one finger on her, just straight to business, but she dug it, I guess, saying she made it three or four times. High five? Gimme my ten bucks!

DrunkyBrace has called everyone into his parlour; he has some sad news to share with them. He’s retiring, for reals, he just can’t do this “Gig gig” any more. I’m wondering if this is about the relashie he was starting with that choreographer with the bedazzled bagina?

Vin doesn’t get it; he’s gonna sell ass as long as there are buyers, so…Brace is mostly concerned he’s not going to see these guys any more, no get togethers like this or drinking all day in bars. I bet that last part will still happen and I should stop making fun: Brace might have an actual drinking problem and addiction is a BEAST, y’all.

Nick says they ought to have a party! Like a real party! Followed by dropping him off at a retirement home.

Date Time! Meet 23-year-old feature dancer Britney from Atlanta:

That totally means stripper, right? She’s dating Ash, and this house is a party house of a “friend.” Given the animal print pool table, I’m guessing she means “party” house. Ash cuts right to the chase, she means stripper, right? And she does, saying she travels all over the place, clubs promote her for the week or weekend she’s in town and pardon my intrusion, but isn’t that usually for pron stars? Ash is doing his thing, saying stripping is sexy (totes can be) and sympathizing with her as to how hard it is to maintain a relationship while you’re on the road so much.

Ash cannot play pool. He can work out and do yoga like a mofo, but dude cannot hit a straight shot. He’s still being super positive!

“Party” time! He takes off his shirt and they start to get bizzay on that tacky, tacky pool table. How many microbes do you…okay, okay, I’m dialing it back, it’s okay, it’s okay, I’m sure there’s such a thing as Scotchguarding pool tables.

Now, I am not one for body shaming, like, ever, and I dig seeing all kinds of shapes, let’s just say her figure wasn’t what I expected for someone in her profession that is sent all over the country. Of course, I haven’t been to strip clubs in a millionty years, so maybe this IS the exact type of bawday rocking those runways.

They get down to business is fairly short order, and while Ash is going on and on about the difficulty of creating and nurturing a relationship in their respective industries (NOT the same industry: stripping is not prostitution, and I’m not gonna degrade EITHER) while in Date Time he fixes his hair repeatedly while bending her over the table. Um. She can’t see you, dude, she’s looking the other way! Stop messing with your ‘do! HAHAHAHAHA it just looks HILARIOUS

I will also just say that pool tables look like they SHOULD be fun to have sex on, but that does not hold up in reality.

Vin’s making this Brace GoingAway party extra special, it’s actually a roast! He’s asked three comedians to help him with it: Bob Zany, Shayma and Courtney. Bob Zany has roasted some big names (James Cameron, Drew Carey) and his motto is that “good comedy hurts.” So now we have the level of the room!

They work on jokes for the roast, there is just sooooo much material with Brace. Bob wants to know where Nick is, why not use the professional help available? He wants to write his own stuff, which draws a lot of eye rolls and carrying on; Bob jokes sure, why not, since he could be a gigolo, but Ash forgot he was off the clock and just gave him false affirmations. Lemme tell you: I will take chubby and brilliant over abs any.damn.day.

I have to say, right up until it turned into a roast, I thought this was just the same shenanigans as last year with Bradley ending the season by pretending to wrestle with choosing to stay or go. That was totally lame, and I thought this was the same kind of scripted hoo hah until the comedians showed up.

Next up is Noel, who calls herself pretty confident, outgoing and an adrenaline junkie.

She really likes that Bradley is a southern gentleman with respect for women, that’s why she chose him. They do the scar-checking touch-mah-boddy flirting, then segue into gocart racing. Sure! They race, and I think he lets her win?

Then the secks! Wow, that was definitely the closest we’ve come to seeing insertion, what’s going on?? They interview about preconceptions about people from the South during the banging and then at the end she utters the southern death curse: bless your heart. Awww.

Roast time! Bob Zany is funny, everyone’s in a great mood; guess who’s gonna be a poor sport about jokes? GUESS?? Okay, it’s Nick, of course. He has no sense of humour. Vin does pretty well, going with the age low hanging fruit and then taking a gentle shot at Nick. Guess who doesn’t take it in the spirit it was intended?? No, GUESS, it’ll be fun!!!

It gets worse when the actual comedians take over; one calling Nick’s song a “turd”, who cares about “Criss Angel on chemo” anyway?? There’s a gorgeous picture of Brace to the side; it’s a black and white nude and the composition is gorgeous. I forget, you know, he’s so “Ken Doll melting in the sun” now, but his physique was unreal back in the day.

And now Nick’s up at the podium; it does not go well. Not well at ALL. I can’t write any of that down. I still have residual shame for him.

And Brace is up and everyone claps and it’s all very funny and sad and as expected. AFTER, though, we have Garren and Brace meeting; since Cowboys4Angels has taken off so well, how about Brace pimps takes over the Vegas stroll? Awww, and who says there isn’t job security in the escorting business? And we’re oot.

So that was probably my last Gigolos recap, turns out it’s tricky to recap a show about secks and the escorting industry and keep it PG-13, who knew?? Thanks to everyone who read along, see you on the flippity flop side and keep your stick on the ice! Rubber side down!