Welcome back, my Army of Twa, I mean lady and boy friends! Are you ready for Old Loves of our Girls? Me either! Let’s do it anyway

I know, that’s the season 4 poster, but why not? Last week we got to see Desi’s junk, Nurse Shosh whip someone and decide to stay in Japan, Jessa shut down Adam and Hannah withdraw every single picture that wasn’t her out of Fran’s Spank Bank. What we DIDN’T see was Dill and Elijah make out, but I hear it might be happening this time, squee!!!

We’re with Fran marking Hannah’s student papers; she asked the kids to write a poem and then write an essay on the literary antecedents of said poem and these are 13 year olds, right? Fran is really disturbed by misplaced adverbs and grammar rules in general and I just hope to all that is holy that whomever writes Fran never stumbles across this blog. They fight, they tear papers even, LET IT GO FRAN! Jeez

Marnie is smugly smirking her way down the sidewalk, she says “hey Frank” to a guy on a bike and gets the bird in return. See? Its not just me that wants to flip Marnie off at every opportunity! Similarly unimpressed with Marnie is other neighbour Del, who tells her she tries to be courteous and she wishes Marnie and her bf would do the same for her. You KNOW all Marnie heard was an opportunity to throw the word “husband” in there, right? Oh yeah.

Upstairs, she find out why. Desi is working with a bunch of guys on a full scale renovation of their apartment and hey! He wasn’t expecting her back until tomorrow! He’s adding a wall through “her” apartment and don’t they live together? I don’t get it…she doesn’t get how him cutting her rooms in half gives her MORE space

Desi figures the wall will have paid for itself in less than a year! She won’t have to go buy tea to not get kicked out of coffee shop (Marn) and there’s a big fight and  a tiny shelf and some Ray Bradbury digests and NOW I believe they actually get married: THAT is a married people fight, woo hoo! Sorry, sorry, just dig the authenticity. And that’s not a reflection on your work, BeardyBoy #2. Desi’s just such a child (don’t call me insane! My mother called me insane! Once! That last part may have just been me and Johnny Dangerously) and Marnie’s such a princess (MY apartment! MY wall!) that there is no way this won’t be the best marriage ever.

Jessa is listening to a sober alcoholic explain motherhood in the best way possible: it’s so boring! They don’t speak English for AGES! and people don’t know. People think kids will just entertain you and fart rainbows and it’s WORK. If you haven’t thought about having several drinks while pushing a stroller uphill two miles, you’re lying or you DID have several drinks. She ends with “I’m still breastfeeding, not by choice” and HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s magic and my favourite new scene and if my amazing gif-maker Veronica wasn’t dealing with some serious internet issues, I’d have that right at the top. Of every recap ever. That actress is amazing and I must know more; in other hands that could have been all wrong.

Adam comes in to stalk Jessa some more; women’s meeting only, big fella. Get oot. He awkwardly swears at a door while Jessa rolls her eyes and I just don’t get these two as a couple. Don’t buy the chemistry. Oh so maybe she was the stalker this time, this is his neighbourhood and the only reason to come there is to pickpocket yuppies and he hands her his wallet, pretending it’s hers and hahahaha. Whatever. Jessa is not lame enough for Adam. She’s usually so caustic, get at it! Ah, Adam’s found out she’s only attending women-only meetings and not returning texts and there’s that line? Where infatuation and rom-coms give this idealized version of what’s cute about men following you around after you say quite clearly “none for me, thanks, I’m driving” and it’s close to crossed with these two.

She says she can’t because of Hannah and you know…Marnie had sex with Elijah. And they’re still friends. Soooo. It could be okay. I still think Hannah and Adam aren’t done, though

Ray is driving himself crazy staring at all the people at helvetica (which Girls said on Twitter is actually in the Arial font); I know this isn’t the point, but most cities I live in have regulations about how many of the same exact shops can exist within a certain amount of blocks. I know it’s not the point, but I have to say it because I think it every single time!

There is exactly one customer in Ray’s shop and Elijah doesn’t even CARE about his “economic decimation”, let alone how Ray’s worrying about “spiritually, how am I supposed to negotiate with a society that rewards those shaggy-haired dick holes?” That sentence. Let’s just give it a moment.

Elijah is pondering much more weighty matters; he feels like there’s hair on his lower back but it’s too subtle to tell. Less subtle is ol’ Ray’s bushy back hair that needs a little pruning. Elijah wants his back hair to make a good impression on Dill tonight, awww. Young love. He pretends he’s not gonna tell Ray who his date is but then spills – he’s famous! Ray doesn’t recogise the name, so some totes inappropriate ISpy occurs (he was texting with Amanda Knox! Didn’t she kill someone? No! Maybe)

At school, oh nooo, Fran got his hands on Maile’s (it’s Miley) poem and corrected it and Hannah is MAD. She drags Fran out of class so he can apologize to Maile and he just wanted Mail to learn proper English! Hannah says there’s not point in learning proper English, in ten years they’ll all be robots speaking Chinese and

How is Hannah not fired yet?

Maile runs off crying and Fran tells Hannah she’s being too much. Oh no, she’s not being too much, she’s being just enough and I dunno, Hannah…”with the blood of this child on your hands”…

Hannah and Marnie are hiding from their respective menz at Jessa’s apartment and awww, Marnie’s looking at the Old Loves Tumblr of famous peeps that used to date that we forgot about. Not the old people having sex Tumblr, that ones requires the Safe Search button disabled, thanks, Jessa. Like Jessa has Safe Search on.

Aww I forgot Val Kilmer and Cher were a couple! Were they? I remember the Bagel Boy though! And Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson I forgot about them! But I do remember there was a blackface incident.

Hannah says that maybe all relationships last as long as they need to, like her and Fran, because of course it has to come back to being about her. It’d been a full 30 seconds without us talking about her and all, I didn’t even know she could hold her breath that long! Marnie says that she doesn’t know what happened but she has to assume Fran is right and HAHAHAHA.

Hannah doesn’t like how Fran has a very rigid set of expectations about how she should act, and Marnie thinks that’s about her and how she treats Desi; she’s off after calling Hannah Cher as a perjorative. Hannah chooses to take that as a compliment.

There was some incidental trash talking about Adam in there which Jessa didn’t start but certainly finished (he’s bowlegged?); they’re all alone but still: no word from Jessa about the shenanigans she’s been up to and avoiding with Adam.

Elijah and Dill are having a lovely evening, reminiscing about Chez Bird (Elijah’s intimate cocktail lounge) and there’s all this touching, woo hoo!! I feel like such a perv, I love Corey Stoll and I am a huge fan of male to male affection so you guys will tell me if I overstep, right? Get creepy? Like on Sense8? You guys are gonna say something if I’m all gross and objectifying, RIGHT??

The last time Dill was nervous was in second grade and there’s a little story and then a segue into some bad stuff; Dill’s baby pictures were sold into publication and Dill finally asks Elijah what’s up; why does he keep looking at the door? Elijah says he thought they were meeting people, so he has his game face on, but if it’s the kind of thing where he isn’t going to meet his friends…maybe he would be okay with that too? Dill squeezes his arm again and leans in, saying “you shouldn’t be” just as all his late friends walk in  and I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING.

That was just so. Nice.

My husband is laughing at me now for crying (which I’m totally not, shut up!), I hope you’re happy, Girls

Desi is now taking the wall down, losing it and now Marnie is trying to support him as a creative genius and if she ever made him feel differently, that is on her. Um. Married people cry-y makeup sex, which I’m just guessing is gonna be fairly often with these two.

Hannah and Jessa are out for ice cream, they spend the first few minutes trashing the internet (I just can’t look at one boring website after another any more. You used to have interesting ideas. Your brain is rotting. Maybe that’s why you can’t write any more) and then each other. Jessa is just pushing Hannah as far as possible so she can not feel guilty about going to screw Adam immediately after.

Elijah and Dill walk and hold hands and it’s first date perfect! Dill poses for a tonne of photos and signs autographs and then they KISS and it’s wonderful. It’s so awesome. All the feels. I sincerely felt that all the way to my toes.

I totally called it, Jessa goes straight to Adam’s apartment. She says she’s wanted this for a very long time and then they kiss and the body language is perfect; all flighty and pull-y and realness. Then they bone and it’s actual realness, not so much about passion as it is trying to get the legs in the right places and where does that go again? Adam always has the worst sex

Speaking of the worst sex ever, Dill is a power bottom, y’all! I’ve heard of topping from the bottom but not quite so annoyingly “faster! faster! Now stop! Go slower! Stop! Go! Go! GOOO!” hahahaha. That was HILARIOUS. Eliajah stares out the window after and Jessa stares at Adam.

Another great song takes us out, it’s Christine and the Queens “IT” and I can’t find it in English, so I will just take us out with mwahs and much lurve. Next week, y’all!