Welcome back for Girls not in Japan! From the previews, this looks like a Marnie-centric episode, so let’s strap on our side-eye and get the heck to it. We roll!

Last week we were with Abigail and Shosh in Japan, that chapter ending when Shosh decided she could no longer live in Katy Perry’s vagina.

Hannah had tried some lady loving for the first time with not great results, what with the crying and the too hot bits. I hope that was enough impetus to get her to break up with Fran, dude is controlling AF and boring with it. Onto this week!

Des and Marnie are sitting within inches of each other in their bedroom. Desi tore the gyproc down but not the metal studs, such a great metaphor, those skeletal remains of Desi’s good but completely ridiculous intentions. She’s got her headphones on while he plays the guitar, but she’s spoiling for a fight

And she doesn’t want to talk, Des! She doesn’t want to cuddle or fcuk, or get a scone, she’s MAD! He curls up in to a ball and cries, while she helpfully rolls her eyes, mouthing along and this tells me it isn’t the first time.

Maybe Des is right, maybe she is cruel? But her heart is FUCKING OPEN!! As she stomps out into the subway to creepily stare longingly at couples making out. She’s walking the street, being catcalled and whistled at by a group of guys and the last one is…CHARLIE! What’s Charlie doing hanging out on the side of the road with this bunch of skids?? He left her a couple of seasons back (while the pizza was ON THE BBQ – who does that??) but they always had a strange relationship. It looks like all his startup money is gone, though.

He asks her what’s up, she tells him she got married and he acts weird and then they walk and talk about the wedding and

Side note: I heard the actor that plays Charlie, Christopher Abbot, left the show due to creative differences over the direction of his character, but something serious has happened to his face in the meantime. It’s like he got beat up repeatedly, or is holding bits of foam inside his cheeks.

Charlie lost the app business, ending up with nothing and just then, his three friends roll up: Rips and I think there’s a Carlos and HOW does he know these guys? He talks funny now, too, swallowing his words but they are able to hash it out, she recounts every single horrible thing he said to her when they broke up and he tells her his dad died at that time. They share apologies and he wants her to come with him to a party uptown.She needs a dress first!

I’m just gonna say it; Marnie going dress shopping with a weird acting Charlie (the bathroom thing was odd) is so RANDOM. She tries on a slinky red sequinned number

And spills out the entire life story to the clerk, who says “sounds about right” when Marnie says she’s only 25 and a half and HAHAHAHA. Out of all of the Girls, Marnie is the worst at reading body language, followed closely by Shosh. Charlie bursts back in and drags her out throwing money at the clerk and they’re on the way.

Ohhh. Charlie is a drug dealer and this party is FANCY. He leaves her with a woman named Masha and her boyfriend Brian, who asks if she will join them later upstairs; should he be negotiating with Charlie over this? She says she, Magita Perez, can speak on her own; she’s $300. And there’s a $200 fee for going over the 10th floor. And $100 for gown rental and I’ve known sex workers like that; everything is an extra. It’s just tacky and poor form, makes the whole thing look bad.

Side note!! I once was approached in a hotel bar by an elderly gentleman wanting some company for the evening when I was extremely newly married, and that just goes to show: you can look more like a pineapple with a Rita Hayworth wig than a Bob Mackie Barbie Doll and hotel bars are STILL to be approached with caution.

She walks out with $600 and Charlie, time for food! They dance after and it’s lovely. She says he’s gained weight and it’s nice, it’s like he’s not trying to please everyone anymore. Good for Charlie.

He takes her out onto a boat and then they’re kissing and then they’re in the water and then they’re cuddling on the subway and then they’re robbed. Best line: Dude, he didn’t ask for my fcuking EARRINGS!! And then

They’re at Charlie’s apartment and I am weirded out by Charlie’s body; he has all these tattoos across his belly and chest and he just looks so different. Anyway, he wants to run away with Marnie and then they have sex. She wants to shower after, it’s down the hall, cool! She says. She has no idea she’s in skid row, huh?

A woman walks in while she’s showering, she’s had a rough night. “Guy problems?” asks Marnie and “yeah, if you call a hot d*ke with a strap-on and a Mets cap a guy” and no, I don’t think I would. Marnie’s in her towel, sooo…yeah. And Marnie has nice t*ts and yeah, I would assume so.

She finds a needle in Charlie’s jacket; he says he’s diabetic, but the tie-off hose and everything else says different. She leaves.

She walks home to find Des waiting for her on the stairs; she says sorry, she doesn’t want to be married to him. She just doesn’t know what she wants or who she is but she didn’t want to give up on another thing. He says okay, but by the way, you’re SO gonna get murdered. One of these days, sorry, but you’re gonna get murdered.

He cries and says :remember the Hope of the Beginning! And she says “You mean when you had a girlfriend and I only saw you twice a week and you held a pillow over my face when we fckued because you couldn’t take the guilt?” Oh. He asks if she wants him to get his things and she says she’ll just pack a bit and we see her crawling into bed with Hannah and Fran and we’re oot.

Marnie. Well, Marnie has a long history of messed up relationships, but wow. Five seconds of Des an episode is all I could take,so yay for that! I’m wondering if it was as long as Jessa’s marriage to Chris O’Dowd? I should Google that shite, but not tonight! Peace and jubblies out for Christmas, peeps!