Sorry I’m late with the Girls, y’all! I was down with a bug and it’s left me seriously behind. So let’s not waste any more time and get at it!

Lots happened last time, let’s see if we can sum it up in 12 words or less: Shosh is headed home, Fran is a controlling ahole, Hannah knows Adam and Jessa are fcuking, Marnie and Desi will be touring to support the song that just turned into background music on Grey’s Anatomy and I think I’m over by a couple of words.

Side note: I love how they wrote TV background songs going viral into the story, alllllll the songs Girls features at the end explode after airing. Whoever does that programming (no, I’m not looking it up, Marn) always picks awesome music, it’s totally legit and this storyline feels like a nod.

We open with a dejected-looking Shosh in her Japan-wear, all kitties and pink and I needa find a pic. My awesome gif-maker Veronica is on vacay, so I will be borrowing from Tumblr tonight. Shosh is on a moving walkway in an airport and just about gets pushed over by a big guy that cares not for sad sack pink kitty-lovers. Then a family and then a bunch more turn her around and she’s furious, why is she here in this rude country? But…but…she hated it in Japan when they apologized to her when she bumped into THEM. People are impossible. She puts on her pink furry kitty headphones and settles into a good sulk.

 

Hannah and Fran have a motor home just like the one we just bought! Cool! Let us know how it rides! Fran in so excited, they have 3 months to themselves, just them, no Elijah, no “needy friends” and now Hannah and I need some air ’cause we wanna throw up; what was she thinking??

They pull off at a rest area and I have to wax poetic about American rest areas; they are AMAZING. Seriously! It’s like they are having a competition over who can have the best place to pee on the side of the road that isn’t tree-shaped and you know who always wins? US! In Canada, we are lucky if they use a big enough windows to allow for enough natural light so you don’t pee on yourself, and I WISH I were joking.

ANYWAY, she texts Fran from the bathroom; she wants him to leave, she doesn’t want to go on this trip (in her pajamas) any more. He calls, what’s up? And she just wants him to go.

He chases her through the bathrooms while he shouts “I am not a monster!” and awww, she paraphrases 10 Cloverfield Lane’s tagline:”Define ‘Monster'”. She’s been trying to get out of this relationship and she just doesn’t know HOW, so she runs through the woods while he shouts at her about his brother’s hand written letter about how rude she is and that’s it, he flips her off and he and the house car are gone.

She calls Marnie to come get her (on the side of the road in upstate New York. I mean) but Marn’s recording a demo for the tour manager to blah blah something, why not get an Uber?? But Hannah got kicked off for giving too low a rating and come get her! But she really can’t, and can’t even send one of Desi’s loser friends because they’re not speaking. Hannah hangs up on her, and she doesn’t wanna call Ray so her can judge her lifestyle choices, which leaves… Jessa. Who doesn’t pick up as she’s studying. I do love her voicemail message though “If this is an emergency, you should hang up and call 911. I don’t listen to my messages.” I feel like I have to say it, though, in case I haven’t made myself clear in the previous recaps: I loathe Jessa.

Adam’s over at Laird and Caroline’s; he’s been calling Caroline but she isn’t calling back. She’s also not there. Laird and baby Sample (for sample-size) are wearing matching ugly beanies and are very much alone. Caroline went out to get roasted pumpkin seeds 3 days ago and nada since.

Hannah did have to settle for Ray, who drives out in his Ray’s Coffee truck and answer me this: if you had a face like someone literally JUST pissed in your cornflakes, would you put that image on the side of your van? Would you?

He sees her curled up in a ball on the side of the road under the Rest Area sign; she is so child-like. She seeks approval for the Fran breakup immediately of course, I mean, every friend she had told her he was the best thing that ever happened to her and to try to hold on to Fran as long as possible. He tells her if she was willing to run away in her pajamas: probs not a great sitch. And she should always trust her instincts. Just like that, I know she’s gonna do something gross and she totally does, crawling over to unzip his pants so she can say thanks for the ride. Ray tries to reason with her, but she doesn’t want to talk, Ray, she has a mouth full!

He closes his eyes…and that’s it, swerves and takes out a sign and then pulls off a little TOO abruptly. They fall over. I am FAR too concerned about no-seatbelt Hannah right now!

Laird and Adam are going through Caroline’s things, trying to figure out where she went, Adam finds her goodbye note under the fridge. They can’t make Post Partum Psychosis funny, yo. It is real and I thought Caroline was just having trouble adjusting, but having a desire to hurt Sample and herself: textbook post partum psychosis.

Okay, Hannah and Ray are fine and fighting on the side of the road; he’s pissed off about his new $50,000 coffee truck destroyed but she thinks it has to do with him not being able to get hard. He offers to call the 4 women he has slept with previously to vouch for his hardness, which incidentally, sound as though they are in a decent lawfirm: Michaels, Shapiro, Goldstein and Farber; she cries uncle, he “can get so hard.”

Adam is playing with Sample as Jessa arrives, she couldn’t find formula at the two places she went, so she just got whole milk. Just as I’m starting to get all sputtery, Adam’s got this for all us parents. The baby can’t digest milk, Jessa, go get the damn food for the baby! She will, after she cools down, and she doesn’t want to hold the baby but Adam has to pee! So. Um. We saw wee Sample in a bouncy player, why not leave her in that and go pee and come back? She can’t walk and 30 seconds is not neglect. I’VE GONE TOO LITERAL! Halp! The point is that Jessa doesn’t like kids and while I appreciate what they’re doing here, we saw Adam hold Sample the exact same way in season 4; he doesn’t like kids either.

Shosh is sitting alone in a little sushi restaurant when Scott and another guy walk in; they stop when they see her and the other guy leaves, saying goodbye to Shosh and touching Scott at the waist. I can count on the fingers of my third hand how many times I’ve seen straight men bid each other adieu like that, so my Totally Gay antennae are up fo SHO. He asks why she isn’t in Japan, but apparently that’s really hard to do. And really, she didn’t want to any more anyway. Was she gonna call him? She can’t take all these questions at once, okay?? And she’s thinking of going on welfare.

I don’t think I could say I ever liked Scott before now (I think I’m on the verge / edge of falling in love with you – who says that??) but his riding her for working out how she can go on welfare while eating sushi with a side of large Sake-shaming is kind of magic. He’s still a dork, though, wishing her “good luck” and that is the meanest thing he ever said to her!! She shoots back a “the fish is exactly suited to the price!” and don’t you change, Shoshanna Shapiro.

Small aside: I used to have passive aggressive fights (the best kind!) with an ex-whatever, and if I really wanted to get a reaction I’d say “take care” and it was so stupid because sometimes I meant it spitefully and sometimes I just wanted him to take care because I wouldn’t be seeing him for awhile and that was the worst relationship ever. I was totally Hannah.

Ray’s guy can’t come for another 4 or 5 hours, that is NOT okay with still-in-her-pajamas Hannah.

Jessa is awkwardly playing with Sample and I just now remembered that Jemima Kirke, who plays Jessa, has at least one child and I think two, so this is kinda cute. Hannah calls and I think it was for a ride, but the whole “I’m helping Adam with Caroline’s baby” sweeps that all away; she hangs up on confirmation of them fcuking.

Adam doesn’t want to talk about Hannah, his possibly-suicidal sister is missing and he has a baby to look after and formula to measure and that’s IT!

A car pulls up, asking if Ray and Hannah need help, Hannah jumps right in. Ray tries to forbid it (WTF dude, you aren’t her dad?), screaming “I got your plates!!” as Hannah and Random drive away. I loved doing shite like that when I was her age, you meet some really cool people like that, but it’s not cool to not sit and wait with Ray when he’s stuck completely and truly only because of you.

Desi and Marnie are recording their awful, mediocre music when in walks Lisa Bonet!! That’s Lisa Bonet!!

I mean, that’s Tandace Moncreif, Desi’s new girlfriend, and old friend and she knows all about Marnie and her “rage stuff.” Tandace explains; Desi and her just need Marnie to not exist for awhile when not playing music. Okay? Nama-fcuking-ste says Marnie, she’s oot.

Hannah and Hector are driving along in the dark, she notes he has a lot of stuff in his car, hey? Like a gun in the backseat. Hannah freaks out and calls Marnie, hilariously relating everything possible about Hector Medina (Guillermo Diaz who I know from somewhere), a Latin male in his mid-30s…Marnie tells her to pretend to hang up then ask to stop to pee. He hands Hannah a giant plastic juice bottle and it’s probably wrong that I spent that long trying to figure out whether that juice bottle opening was… ANYway, he doesn’t think she trusts him! She got in his car but doesn’t trust him! So she will pee in the bottle, because they trust each other and would never do anything to harm each other. While Marnie listens to her pee in a giant juice bottle.

Jessa is rocking Sample, who does what babies do and throws up down her back. She practically throws the baby at Adam, running off screaming about how he has to help her, it’s almost in her butt! He just looks at her, holding the baby to him. She says “why aren’t you helping me??” and he says, so calmly and so finally “you’re an adult and she’s a baby. Why do you need more help than a baby?” and when did ADAM become the grownup on Girls??

Hector and Hannah are bonding, he just left an abusive relationship, he couldn’t take it any more when she pointed THAT gun at him, he took it and his stuff and was gone. She tells him about her breakup with Fran, AND that her ex-bf and ex-bff are fcuking and he sarcastically suggests maybe Adam has a diamond dick? Or Jessa has a golden hoo-ha? Well. I think it was sarcastic. But just then they make it to the city and he’s so excited! He’s so excited to be in New York, there’s all these opportunities and it’s just so COOL and a great place to start again. Hannah agrees and we oot to her looking hopeful.

I hope for more avenues for Girls, you know? It happens, these Jessam relationships and Hannah blowing Ray; you look around your small group that makes your big city seem safer and easier to negotiate and try to figure out who you haven’t bounced on yet and sometimes you just need to find new people to drink far too much with. Also, how Hector feels about New York is how I felt about Toronto when I would visit: EVERYONE WHO LIVES THERE IS COOL BECAUSE THEY LIVE IN TORONTO. I met some pretty awesome people until my sister told me the drug dealers and pimps were off limits. See you next week!