Welcome back to Girls, I LOVE THIS SHOW. That is a warning and an invite to discuss after, join me! Rolling Hostage Situation after the break.

Warning: there may be some 14A stuff in the recap, like the first gif, just a heads up

We’re with Marnie (Allison Williams) and Desi (Ebon Moss-Bacharach) banging, I forgot she’s technically kinda dating Ray (Alex Karpovsky), how is that gonna work? Awkwardly, as it turns out, with her screaming out “I’m disgusting!!” and “I’m worse than my father!” AFTER her orgasm. Desi tries to help (believe in your goodness!) but he’d like to finish first, if he may? And noooo. He’s not going to be able to and Marnie’s face makes me laugh

 

Hannah (Lena Dunham) and Elijah (Andrew Rannells) discuss the two-weeks-f*cking sitch; young people, listen to me. Stop telling your friends graphic details. Your friends should never be standing around discussing whether or not you’re making the move into new territory in bed.

 

But remember? He kinda did…ANYWAY! Hannah is packing for upstate New York, where Marnie and Desi are having a tryst in Poughkeepsie while Marnie is telling Ray she and Hannah are going backpacking. If Ray doesn’t already know that’s bullshit, there is nothing that can be done for him. “Because nothing says let’s get this romance back on track like POUGHKEEPSIE” snorts Elijah (who I’m pretending is drinking a Caesar and not a Bloody Mary) and I can already see Imma have trouble not giffing every.single.thing he says.

He’s spending the night alone with Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) at a Women In Business party; he does an awesome Shosh impersonation, amirite? I used to get this a LOT

Nekkid Elijah bum! I don’t know if that makes up for 3 full frontal female shots last week but I’ll take it. Hey, remember Desi’s full frontal? I have that gif iffin anyone thinks it’s relevant.

Desi and Marnie pull up in a hot red convertible; they’re suuuuuchhh hipsters. They’re off!

I forgot Shosh and Jessa (Jemima Kirke) are cousins; they do a video birthday card for their grandma (you’re still under a 100 pounds, so kudos! And use protection); Jessa looks strung the f*ck out.

Shosh is representing for Hannah, yay! I have no idea why someone being bitchy to Jessa makes me so happy, but there it is. Shosh snips about having a real schedule now (she works for New York’s hippest branding agency); what’s she doing tonight? Watching Shosh dance around not inviting Jessa to the Women in Business “networking thingy” for five minutes was kind of awesome. Jessa’s coming.

BOOOOOO

They made it to Poughkeepsie, yay! Hannah stumbles into an antique shop and meets a beautiful woman (Joy Bryant) completely out of place. She learns the woman’s life story (Chris Noth saved her after she hit her head on the third rail; Hannah super politely calls bullshit) and gets a free tea set. I believe that tea set is from Royal Albert and the ease at which Hannah is handling it is making me a little crazy. Those are hella expensive.

Desi and Marnie fight about whether he was checking out the froyo girl (he thought she was unwell!) and then after making out explicitly on the street calm it down for one second. Desi and Marnie are f*cking psycho together, I hate them both. Later at the cottage, he comforts her because she’s feeling guilty about Ray, we’re all just trying to get through, aren’t we? TAKE OFF THE TOQUE, DESI

Shosh and Elijah are just soooo mismatched; they’re off to her friend’s mixer. She was great friends with them in high school until she tossed them aside for Jessa and her “mature” friends. I’m pretty sure there she meant drugs. Now her friends own Jamba Jeans (Jeans? Isn’t it Juice?) and nobody’s perfect, Shosh. We all have to find our own path.

Shosh trails after him, asking if he meant Justin Theroux and

*record scratch*

But Shosh and Ray did this whole tag-team newspaper reading thing last week where they dissected multinationalist trade organizations blah blah blah and monopolistic blah blah, no WAY she doesn’t know who Justin Trudeau (my Prime Minister!) is.

Now Jessa is there, time for fun! Zeva (Barrett Doss) and Rachel (Annie Q) give a truly awful tag team speech about founding WEMUN (Women’s Entrepreneurs Meet Up Now) and they have NOT forgotten Jessa.

How could you forget Jessa though? I think Elijah is playing straight? Or has lockjaw. I have no idea what the rest of the conversation was about (altheisure denim?) because it was much more fun watching Elijah pick up the cater waiter (Ronald Peet) and it has something to do with a bathroom? And blow! I think blow! I just don’t know if that means blow *motion* or blow yayo.

Marnie finds a giant jar of pills in Desi’s otherwise empty “PRIVATE BRIEFCASE, MARNIE!!”; it’s Oxycontin and he’s been addicted to them for over a year. When confronted with addiction, Marnie calmly asks Desi what she can do to help and hold him while he spills his story.

Just kidding! She makes it about her (YOU WERE HIGH AT OUR WEDDING!) and then smashes the jar and grinds the pills to dust while he tries to pick them up. Desi snorts glass and oxy and WHAT? “Hannah, you dumb slut get down here!”?? Really, Marnie!? And he was on 20 oxys a day?

Hannah finally hears and they drag Desi out and lock the doors. He smashes out a window; Hannah defends their honour with a spatula until he destroys the tea set and what’s happening with his ARM?

Rachel and Zeva don’t want to hang out with Shosh, she really hurt them badly when she like, bailed on the way to like, Aruba, like okay? Jessa tries to cheer Shosh up, invoking Kim Kardashian and Bethenny Frankel even, but Shosh just wants to GO

Marnie and Hannah have a heart to heart; how could Marnie not have noticed how Desi was acting? How could she not know her husband was a drug addict? HANNAH says it’s hard to have insights about other people when you’re only thinking about yourself and oh, Hannah. How true that is. And how unlikely it is to come from HANNAH. They promise to always be best friends and I was just hoping that would be true.

I once dated a guy for two years off and on and had no idea he was a coke dealer. True story.

Desi starts pounding on the door, he’s gonna come down the motherf*cking chimney like Santa! I think he means the big bad wolf, but whatever, close enough.

Shosh doesn’t want to hear Jessa’s theories about women in trades (I wish I was practical like that: I break stuff), she just wants a cab. But FIRST! First we get Elijah holding Hannah’s back like a nakiri, baby! Swish swish! Let’s hear what Jessa has to say about stealing Hannah’s boyfriend; well they were broken up, but I’m glad SOMEONE finally said something.

Shosh doesn’t really care about Adam, or the fact that Marnie is f*cking Desi (Elijah is a terrible secret-keeper) but Jessa can’t come in their cab because she RUINT Shosh’s life! She could have gone to Aruba, but instead ended up in Rockaway looking for an absent Vincent Gallo and GO! Get out of Shosh’s face!

Jessa stalks away shouting “grow up!” and really, who is she to say that to anyone?? Elijah fights but oh, Shosh’s face watching Jessa walk away

Marnie loads the car while Hannah bandages Desi up, they’re going home. We’re out.

Huh. This episode was directed by Lena Dunham, I wonder if that’s why it was less funny (except for Elijah) and more after-school-special feeling? It was still a good episode; just slightly heavy-handed.That shot of Shosh was glorious but there was too much build up for too little resolution there. And Jessa was strangely muted; that is not complaining, but it was a bit off.

Is it weird that I spent a lot of time looking at Marnie’s bangs? I really like them! I also was trying to figure out if Jessa stopped by a thrift store for her clothes; they looked smelly AND crunchy. Until next week!