Does anyone else get figurative or literal hives when they realise how deep we’re in the LAST SEASON EVER of Girls?? We’re already at 5!! That’s halfway!! I am not ready for Girls to be over, I’m kind of amazed it ever got made in the first place. Rolling Gummies after the break

We open with pregnant Hannah (Lena Dunham) staring closely at a bean? Bug? Piece of dirt? Lentil! It’s a lentil and that’s how big the fetus inside of Hannah is at Week 6!

Shosh (Zosia Mamet) tries to awkwardly comfort Ray (Alex Karpovsky) about the death of his mentor and longtime friend Hermie (Colin Quinn); she’s a good egg.

Hermie had an obscure terminal illness he didn’t presumably know about, is this like the licking envelopes thing? Shosh just isn’t gonna die, though, not ever and Ray’s glad. He doesn’t think he could handle that.

WHY are these two not a couple again? Someone remind me.

Hannah’s working through her choices

And whoever said you don’t notice when babies latch and try to destroy your nipples has either: never had a baby latch, never had nipples or was drugged throughout. If you’d like a demonstration, go to a smoke shop and grab a cigar cutter and apply to two of the most sensitive areas of your body. You’re welcome.

Elijah runs in and Hannah hides her computer. Hmmm, she didn’t tell him yet, that’s surprising. So is the fact that Elijah has a six-pack, WHAT? Or maybe a two-pack, but there are definitely abs! Which he keeps showing off as he says that Ray really lucked out with his friend, mentor and boss knocking off like that.

Hannah’s noticed the twitching, what’s up, El? He accidentally took 6 adderall and creeped deep into a Facebook page that yielded many, many ugly photos of Ryan Dillon Davidson’s nieces and news about recasting the lead on Kinky Boots, woot!

GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM!! Hannah’s mom is coming, yay!

They’re shooting on Adam (Adam Driver) and Jessa’s (Jemima Kirke) movie already, holy cow that’s fast, right? I didn’t get that at first, there was just some random naked woman who looked a little bit like Hannah in the face and like a weightlifter in the legs; seriously awesome pins, chick! She’s half-naked, my bad, and bends herself over a table so Adam can spank her while hurling epithets; lizard brains amirite? So weird what gets people off.

 

Adam asking if he can be sweet to her after made me roll my eyes so hard I almost fell over; that was NEVER how it went with him and Hannah.

Wait. Is Daisy Egan supposed to be Hannah or Jessa? I can’t tell yet, but Jessa isn’t having as much control on set as she clearly thought she would, Adam’s got this. All of her suggestions seem to be knocking Hannah down a peg or two, so Daisy must be Hannah and actually, her name on the show is Genevieve.

Loreen (Betsy Ann Baker) looks great! It’s probably all the medicinal weed, although the making friends with people at Weight Watchers is helping too. Why is she eating gummy worms? What’s in THOSE? And by the way, your daughter is pregnant.

Yeah, mom! And what’s more, as Hannah goes along, this feel like a done deal, father or no father in the picture

Loreen says WOW a lot.

Ray’s going through Hermie’s things with a clearly uninterested Marnie (Allison Williams)

And finally, FINALLY he realises what she’s like; bored out of her mind and going to exercise because she can’t stand to be in this boring little house looking at pictures of someone Ray “kinda liked.” Like. REALLY? He tells her they should break up, but she thinks it’s because he’s upset over Hermie dying, NOT the fact that she’s a grade A arsehole. She leaves with “I’m not a bad person” and if you have to say it…

Oh this is awesome, I wondered how it would look when Jessa and Adam rewrote Adam and Hannah’s relationship from their point of view because we’ve only ever seen it from Hannah’s perspective. They’ve written Hannah as having a serious mental illness requiring medication that she isn’t taking, so schizophrenia? Bi/polar perhaps? Adam says the right things while Jessa watches with trepidation, is it really a good idea for Adam to immerse himself in how much he loved Hannah? Because he sure did.

Jessa’s uncomfortable and she doesn’t get the point of the scene, what’s the romantic part about? Adam and I are confused; it’s about the intensity of Hannah’s and his relationship and how crazy it was, but ultimately doomed to fail because they were only ever gonna hurt each other.

Jessa breaks in, THEY’RE the intense relationship, not him and Hannah! His life was over and then they met and and and Adam just stares at her

No, she’s the producer! They don’t read scripts! Laird (Jon Glaser) interrupts, where’s the baby? He’s met his new soulmate, faux-Hannah Genevieve. Hold up; Laird had something with a Genevieve before, what is it?? It’s cheating if I look it up.

However good Loreen is looking, she is not doing well. She’s lonely, on drugs and suicidal. She’d really like Hannah to stop insisting she’s going to meet someone.

She walks out of the laundromat without Hannah, who finds her laundry and her mom’s dress on her step. Panicking, she raises the alarm with Elijah and they walk the streets screaming “LOREEN!” and also getting dumplings and ice cream, so you know: panic Hannah-style.

They find Loreen tripping balls in a Chinese restaurant; she wants to celebrate Hannah’s baby! Oh but Elijah didn’t know. She didn’t tell him first and now he MAD.

Oh and it’s not about that at all; Elijah thinks she’s just making another reckless, impulsive decision and he has zero interest in helping her raise her fatherless baby. He likes exactly what they have (her doting on him and taking all his meanness, I guess?) and now she’s ruining it with her stupid baby. He doesn’t think she’s ready for it; she counters that HE isn’t ready for it and then it gets really mean.

She tears up and he doubles down with “oh you’re gonna cry now?” and brushes rudely on by. Deuces.

Loreen is at the crying part of high now, all she wants to talk about is death. In fact, “every time I look at your baby, I will see my own death.” Then she vomits down her dress.

Hannah gets home to find Genevieve smoking on her stoops; look, matchy yellow dresses!

Hannah works out pretty quickly that this is her film version; what’s that role like? Oh cool, because she’s the love interest and the main character but also mentally ill, so, like, fun. Hannah brings up her pregnancy, Genevieve asks if she’s loving being pregnant?

Genevieve has three, don’t worry about it, kids are super easy!

NJSNVDJSBVJBGF BDVSJBF VFFFFFFFFFDSVHJDFS

Sure. Its being an adult that’s hard! Then the smoke gets to Hannah and she waves it away and we’re out.

I don’t know why I assumed that Hannah’s character would have terminated her pregnancy right away, perhaps because Lena Dunham is such an outspoken supporter of abortion and reproductive rights. I’ve never been in a position of having to decide whether to have a baby or not; I was just ecstatic one finally took and did everything I could to not wreck whatever my body was doing completely on it’s own. I am trying my very hardest not to interject my own breeding stories too much; we all think we invented babies when we have our first, don’t we? The only thing I will mention is that Hannah should be much, more much tired. That’s universal for the first trimester for the first bebeh.

I hope Hannah has the baby just because I love babies, but I think it’s probably a more sensible decision to terminate. I don’t think she has the support network or money to have a baby on her own, but rumour has it there is more than one way to do all that.

I wonder if Adam reenacting his relationship with Hannah will make him realise how much more real it was than whatever he and Jessa are doing. I feel a little bit bad for Jessa, she’s one of those early peakers who seemed so cool in high school, probably the drugs, random screwing and the not-following the beaten path, but there’s not much else to her, is there?

Until next time, you guys! Cheers