And we’re back for more of the awesomeness that is the grim Happy Valley. Ready?

Last week can be summed up thusly: dead sheep, dead dogs, dead body. Got it? Okay, just joshing, the dead body requires a little more explanation; it’s Lynne Dewhurst, most notably Tommy Lee Royce’s mum, and she’s been bottled (*herk*) by a serial killer that I’m pretty sure just got fired by Nevison Gallagher. You know, for a successful businessman, he has shite for people-sense, doesn’t our Nev? Other than that, a head copper is realising that actions have consequences and that discarded mistresses are ALWAYS dangerous; Ann is a junior copper; Tommy has a super creepy new girlfriend and Clare might be getting some soon. Finally.

On we roll! Catherine is ushering Ilinka (Ivana Basic) into her flat, where Clare and Daniel are arguing; Ilinka’s been held hostage with 21 other female Croatians and forced to work in a Biscuit Factory, but it appears that came to naught; she’s just there to watch Daniel and Clare fight about the whole “Clare’s an alcoholic business.” Now, I agree with Daniel, Ryan asked and used the word, what was he supposed to say? Catherine wants Daniel to say he’s got the wrong end of the stick (which is apparently different from lying? Maybe means mistaken) and Daniel wins my everloving heart when he says the site motto: “he’ll think I’m just talking shite!” and if that’s wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

Winnie (Angela Pleasance) comes up to pick up the trafficked Croatian, and what she says is worth including Ilinka in the intro. To Catherine: “and I am saying you’re wooonderful. As long as we all stay on the right side of you. ‘Cause if we don’t, you’re a pain in the ass” and truer words have never been spoken.

I had to listen to Trouble Town again; you really ought to if you haven’t yet.

John is screaming at his offspring about their cereal wastage; Daddy’s got to find a thousand pounds for a spurned paramour and YOUR EXTRA WHEATIES AREN’T CUTTING IT! Stop taking a pi-I mean mickey. His wife knows sommat is up

Speaking of She Who Will Not Be Ignored, Vicky’s getting ready and looking determined. Why do I have the feeling she’s not done messing with our John? Is it because I’m a genius?? Oh go on, stop, really.

Catherine is practicing her Insubordination Techniques on Mike, no, she won’t be doing house to house canvassing, being the prime suspect and all, the one with the Queen’s Medal for Bravery, she’s off to arrest a 15 year old selling skunk behind the Science building instead and again: so specific. Awks meeting on the stairs with teenaged investigative lead Jody Shackleton.

And she does have a 15 year old suspect in hand, yay! She tells him a long, complicated story of what marijuana grow-ops looks like, but the upshot is: he’s selling weed covered in human feces. Have I mentioned that these speeches are the best part of the show? Honestly, must be watched just for those. Just as she’s leaving, Catherine’s sergeant radios; Tommy has been given special dispensation to attend his mother’s funeral. Grim looks abound.

Moaning Myrtle Frances is looking very jumpy whilst watching little kids sing hymns ahhhh including Ryan. She glares at Ryan while the teaches introduces her as Miss Weiland, over all the way from Scotland and I don’t think I’ve heard her speak yet, but I hope she says Wednesday. I hear a person with a Scottish accent saying Wednesday can cheer anyone up! I’m having a rotten day.

John and Ann are doing house to house searches, they’re across the street from Lynne’s house, where she was found and she’s flashing back. She decides to sharpen her investigative skills on John instead; does he like this job? He always looks unhappy. He blurts out: where would you get a thousand pounds if you needed it? She says her dad, who’s “so rich it’s boring” and he lights up. You know who he is absolutely reminding me of: Kevin, from the first series. Ann is just a big old walking dollar sign to a lot of people, and I’m guessing John just became one of their number.

They do a bit of bonding; it’s going well for John until he says she’s not exactly a barrel of laughs and she tells him it’s her mother’s funeral the next day. She suggests he buy a lottery ticket; that doesn’t pan out for him either. He’s probably feeling pretty desperate right now, hey?

All the PCs are gossiping about Catherine being a suspect on the Dewhurst murder, and apparently she got to taze someone the day before and we didn’t getta see it. Oh come on, that’s loads better than shite-weed! Ah nevermind, I’m such a whiner, we DO get to see and it’s when the human traffickers were taken down. HAHAHAHAHA and she didn’t just taze him, she tazed him right in the crotch instead of the chesticles! Oh nooooo, just as Catherine is shaking up some dressing just as a cop joins in on all the hilarity with a “oh, better close your legs, Sarge has a bottle in her hands” and the room DIES. He’ll be on vehicle maintenance for awhile

Catherine pulls Ann aside to tell her that Tommy will be out tomorrow for his mother’s funeral, she assures Ann that she won’t have to see him and it will be safe. His mother’s funeral is the same day as her mother’s funeral, you know I’m supposed to draw all kinds of conclusions about that, but I didn’t know Helen Gallagher at all; she was a symbol of All That Is Good, never fully fleshed out and Lynne Dewhurst was a caricature.

Ryan’s telling Clare and Catherine about his new Scottish teacher Miss Weiland and I love it when people with thick accents make fun of other accents. I once had a hilarious cab ride wherein the driver imitated every accent between South Africa and Peru and they all sounded exactly like Jamaican. Anyway, Ryan already doesn’t like her, she’s making him read and he does this gruesome thing where he pretends to hang himself.

Ilinka has news for Catherine: her friend Aurelia, who also worked at the biscuit factory (oh for the love of, I thought that WAS prostitution, until just now; the English having the best words for everything) and did some prostitution work as well; has gone missing, and Ilinka says that the unidentified body in the paper is her. Catherine says she’s going to have to talk to the police about it, but Ilinka does NOT want to go, she could identify one of the Halifax Mobsters, an Iresiveniviches (spelling? My kingdom for a screencap or text). Catherine knows they don’t have any choice, and she brings her into the station.

She explains the trafficking scam the Iresiveniviches (sigh) are running on foreign women to Winnie; it’s brutal and never-ending. Ilinka’s unusual in that she ran, most don’t because they don’t know where they are and don’t speak English.

The traffickers investigative team warns Catherine; she’s left her family AND that lovely little old lady in danger by bringing Ilinka around them if the Halifax mob followed her after the crotch-tazing. He asks her to please hurry up with her alibi so she can tick those boxes and get in there and help everyone with the case.

Nevison and Ann are talking, finally, they aren’t close, but the impending funeral of Helen is bringing them together. Nevison is haunted by his firing of that (probably murderous) truck driver today; he knows Helen would have talked him out of it, she never gave up on anyone. He’s worried about Ann and the imminent temporary release of Tommy, but she’s not afraid. She’s not afraid of anything and I can’t figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad thing for a police officer.

Catherine drops Winnie at her house, and comes home to hear all kinds of cuddly noises: must be Clare and Nick. Catherine sleeps outside, that’s the security system.

Tommy is just now being informed of his furlough, half an hour before the funeral. That’s not much time to plan, izzit? He’s good at thinking on his feet, though, so heads up for all.

Clare was indeed enjoying Neil’s company the previous evening, turns out they both have drinking pasts, which Catherine already knew because she ran him through the computer at work. She did that because she and I saw him flinch when he saw her uniform, but ohhhhhh there’s more. He had an affair with a woman at the Building Society and it ended very poorly. How do I now know Vicky is a repeat offender and these men are a means of support, not comfort? Because I’m a genius!! Okay, clearly THAT’S not it, but Happy Valley does like to weave very intricate plots that would make Robert Altman blush.

ANYWAY, Neil hit rock bottom after, started drinking, and we have seen the future for our John. Do you think Vicky has any more going at the same time?

The investigative team is focussing on Aurelia now, they’re tracking down her family and she lived at  51 Hiburnia Street, which makes John looks like he just birthed a watermelon and that must be important because they repeat it.

Ryan is reading with Miss Weiland, lots of awkward probing about “his dad’s mum” and funerals and she needs to be careful, kids pick up everything.

Our John really IS freaked out, he looks like he can’t breathe and then he calls Vicky: that’s it, she’s won, he’s going to tell his wife and he’ll be over to move in with her at half seven. Um, er, course says Vicky, she’ll cook and what will she do NOW? That’s not the point of her little maneuver, I’d wager.

Angry truck driver has shown up at Helen’s funeral, fingers crossed for a name spoken clearly at the screen! Sean…somebody, well, that’s close. Sean Bamfus, there it is and Catherine had caught the tags on the weirdly driven van cruising the prossies at the end of the episode last week, so hmm

Tommy is out and walking…there’s an extremely short funeral for his mother and Catherine is skulking about and then she isn’t! She’s walking right in. Frances turns around at the sound of the door opening and just like that, Miss Weiland’s cover is blown. It’s just a matter of time until there’s a teacher conference or something like that and hey! What’s the deal with the tears and carrying on by Tommy? He hated his mother, or rather was just dismissive of her. He sees Catherine and LOSES it, screaming that she killed his mother and I think every ounce of that was magic for our Catherine. Like a balm.

Catherine is in the cemetary enjoying the sun; her boss Mike calls to flip out on her for going to the funeral, she can’t give him an alibi for those time periods and that’s it: the lines have been drawn. They can believe her or not.

John still isn’t playing things straight, I hope he has a plan. He’s told his wife he’s going on out stakeout and shows up at Vicky’s bearing flowers. Ah, I see now, he says he can’t even think about “being intimate with those pictures out there” and he’s such an amateur. She pours some wine and slinks down in a chair to feed off his chaos: “What did she say?” she eventually tosses him the phone “to build trust”, you know, but I think she really enjoyed watching him squirm more than watching him try to make her squirm, ifyouknowwhatImean.

Oh nooooo, at the get-together after the funeral, Clare is half in the bag, blurring edges and I feel a little let down. The writers have been foreshadowing this since the first or second minute of episode 1, it feels too soon. Ann didn’t know Clare was an alcoholic, and a thief besides.

Vicky is loaded drunk (or pretending) while John tries to find out if she’s backed them up anywhere and he’s getting increasingly frantic and I think I might have the wrong end of the stick: she might be the one in danger. Holy shite. They get into a fist fight and he strangles her to death. Never discount desperation.

Clare is loaded drunk and her “going out for a fag if that’s all right with the Ges-Ta-Po” but she’s not just having a cigarette, she’s about to head to a pub and worse. Catherine begs and pleads with her but off stumbles Clare, Catherine having no choice but to follow once she remembers that there is a serial offender taking out vulnerable women on the streets. And we’re out at John staring at the murdered Vicky.

Wow. So that’s it for Vicky then, not the mastermind I’d worked her out to be and I guess two years would be an awfully long game to run. I could see Clare’s fall off the wagon very clearly from all the setup in episode 1, so no surprises there. I give Catherine a lot of shite for not being the best family member, but she does have to take care of everyone, and always has; that can wear on a person. See you next time, lads and ladies.