Woot woot, last week our cheftestants got the coveted black jackets on Hell’s Kitchen, let’s see what dead weight we lose tonight!

I shouldn’t say dead weight, really. Dannie was very good and I was sorry to see her go last week. She had a hard time rebounding, but her chef skills were on point.

It’s Black Jacket party time, bitches! Ashley is SO excited, and also is last man standing Jared’s only support system. I’m sure this episode won’t completely ruin that.

For their first black jacket challenge, the chefs are being herded blindfolded into a charter school gym, 3 2 1 they remove their blindfolds and a marching band plays while we all try to figure out whatarp.

Awww, they have giant pictures of the chefs back in high school! Manda looks the same, holy pageant hell hair Kristin! She’s our criminal, right? Must have been a Bling Ring type of thing. Ariel looks GORGEOUS and Jared HAHAHAHAHAHAHA has a long dyed blonde 70s shag. Just needs mustache! Ashley looks the same.

The challenge starts; they have 40 minutes to feed 100 teenagers each. This isn’t Top Chef, so I will wince preemptively on their collective behalf.

Ashley is making chicken pot pie and that seems like it will be a problem in that amount of time. Chef Ramsay is similarly concerned.

Manda, the self-proclaimed Best Chef Here, is making Taco Tuesday and is struggling with confidence, hence the self-nicknaming.

Kristin, the Bad Girl from high school is making buttermilk fried chicken while Jared from Flock Of Seagulls is making New York strips with chipotle croquettes. Gordo asks about Jared’s prom night, but I don’t care. Ariel is making steak tostadas, but we don’t watch her make them, so I’m assuming they’re fine.

Ashley is complaining that everyone is just hitting on Ariel and Kristin and NOBODY is at her booth, and I thought it was sour grapes until Kristin starts hitting on a teen, two months away from 18! Ewyuck. I mean this in the most non-judgemental way: very young adult people look like puppies to me, like their eyes aren’t even quite open yet. Hard pass. Jared is annoyed at all of Kristin’s flirting, (who doesn’t like a pretty blonde girl?) but everyone is digging his food much more and hells yeah, if I only had half an hour for lunch I’d rather have something like a steak instead of a piece of greasy chicken I have to gnaw on and find a place to discreetly hide the bone. Heh heh. I said hide the bone.

The kids will be assigning grades from A to F to each meal, let’s see if all of Kristin’s shenanigans played oot, or if Prom King Jared wins the game. Manda is in the bottom, then Kristin, then Ashley, leaving Ariel and Jared to battle for first. Both served steak, so there you go! It’s Jared after all, yay! Whatever. His reward is to go to San Fransisco, and something to do with the 49ers. They sound like a sports team. And he gets to take a friend! Ashley knows she has this in the bag, being his best friend there and his entire support system, so when he says Kristin, she blurts out “WHAT?” In his defense, he does say “who doesn’t like a pretty blonde girl?” for the second time, so there you go, he’s got us there!

Ashley cannot believe it.

For everyone else, it’s Recycling Day in Hell’s Kitchen! Chef Ramsay has had this school hold onto all their garbage for a week and the other four chefs will be sorting it. Eeeyuck.

Oh. I thought the 49ers were baseball, apparently it’s football. I can’t be trusted to give my opinion of American football, I get all shouty and political and that’s not fun for anyone, so I’ll just zip on by. Football heroes from days ago throw balls at them. Dwight Clark and Guy McIntyre. It’s so cute how they address all the questions to Jared, Kristin can’t be an equal contestant, she must be his cheerleader or something! Okay and there I went; I promised myself I wouldn’t. My bad.

I once had to sort through two weeks of garbage left out in the July heat while 6 months pregnant, it was less fun than they’re having in Hell’s Kitchen.

Jared and Kristin are dining together, talk turns to Ashley, of course, since Ashley and Jared have been so close all along, it’s weird, dude.

They get back to the dorms and Ashley is FURIOUS. YOU ARE DEAD TO HER JARED!! Dead!! Wow. That’s some entitled shite right there. It was his reward, he presumably has been close to other people; it would be okay to be upset, but to DEMAND that he should have given her the trip?

He apologizes and I mean. I MEAN. It’s so weird to dislike someone so strongly when you don’t actually know them.

Dinner service time! They have two special chef table VIPs tonight, and it’s…the two sous chefs. I love Chef Christina! And the reason for the chef tables is that it’s time to take turns helping Chef Ramsay at the pass! Woo hoo!

The celebs in the dining room are Randy Couture who apparently is too broke to buy his girlfriend a whole dress (I’m guessing he paid for the rest, though) and Neil Jackson, who is an actor. I gather. I couldn’t upload ANY of my screen shots, so you’ll just have to imagine a tall bald dude with a blonde in a very small red dress and some English looking bloke with lots of hair.

LOL I wonder if Randy is hinting that he’d like to be at the Chef’s Table: “looks like a pretty big kitchen…” hahaha. But no! Aaron and Christina are there.

Jared is waxing poetic about his fish cooking skills, his level is UP HERE and everyone else is DOWN THERE and his scallops get sent back. Ariel is up at the pass first and she HAS this, It’s her competition to lose; she didn’t falter for a second. Lots of chefs make the mistake of not being vocal enough, or being too vocal and not checking the food because they’re too busy shouting. She looked like she worked there.

Ashley is up next, Chef Ramsay’s still having to explain everything to her very clearly and slowly. And then she fucks up calling an order. Jared fcuks up more fish! And not just ANY fish, but Randy Couture’s fish, and The Natural doesn’t look pleased when everyone but him gets fed. And then Jared fcuks up his fish AGAIN!

And now it’s Jared’s turn as sous chef! I’m surprised there hasn’t been any sabotage, but Manda’s trying, anyway. She doesn’t talk, and then sends up a blue rare steak, but Jared does a passable job.

Manda’s turn! Kristin calls Manda out in interview about her fake confidence, and she’s not wrong, when there are only 5 people left, you can’t really fake this any longer. She’s super shouty, but does okay.

Kristin is up, nothing rotten in Denmark for her, but Manda still can’t get a steak out properly. Aaron and Christina watch and offer to take over the empty kitchen, Chef Ramsay’s dragged everyone off to the pantry for a Come to Jeebus meeting.

Kristin and Ariel are really distinguishing themselves tonight, but I still don’t see it with Kristin yet. Chef Ramsay has to finish off the last table, he’s furious about MORE fish coming up raw but also burnt, bad.

Time for elimination; the two obvious choices are Manda and Jared, let’s see how that plays out. I can’t believe he’s actually defending himself, I mean. Fish dish after fish dish after fish dish coming back. Ariel wants to send them both home and I’m with her!

Jared is up for elimination for mentally checking out, he explains about his journey and blah blah Chef Ramsay calls Manda up as well. She gets sent home, but he compliments her on her feisty spirit and she’s oot. We get a whole Manda Montage and I don’t remember that for anyone else? Yay, she gets to go home to her kiddos!

But the fun isn’t over, Chef Ramsay sends Jared home too! Wow, to see a double elimination at this stage is unreal! And to top it off with “I can’t let you continue, you are not as strong as the three ladies behind you.” Wow. Mind.Blown. We get a Jared Montage too, so maybe it’s a black jacket thing.

So. We have Ashley, Ariel and Kristin still innit. Wow. Very cool, ladies! Get at it!