Welcome back to Hell’s Kitchen! Last week we lost Mark of the chorizo oysters…whut? The men won the reward challenge but lost the dinner service; can Kevin and Vanessa make it back after a horrendous first week? Let’s see who’s a donkey tonight!

Frank figures that the elimination is a wakeup call and also: the kitchen needs more Franks. I will say that he has a lot of confidence, and that is half the battle on Hell’s Kitchen. Once you mentally get in the weeds, you may as well pack up, because Chef Ramsay can smell that like a shark smells blood.

The women pile on Vanessa as they all smoke: good thing being a chef doesn’t involve having a good palate. She goes back to her bunk to cry but Mom Manda gives her hugs. She misses her kiddos.

Challenge time! Chef Ramsay has invited two members of the Buckingham Palace Guard to help this week; Philip and Charlie

They’re making dumplings, which require a high level of detail and concentration. Shrimp dumplings, to be exact, and he demonstrates a few. Alan, the Asian Amish, figures he has this in the bag and I don’t know if just being Asian is enough to consider yourself a Dumplings Master, Alan. I’m a little concerned that the chefs are paying quite so close attention: they should all know how to make a dumpling, right? I mean, I don’t, but I’m not a cheftestant.

They have 20 minutes to pair up and make as many perfect pleated and steamed dumplings as possible. Elmer figures they gotta be just like peirogies and I don’t know if that’s exactly how it works.

Sherkenna and Vanessa have been paired up, Tennessee isn’t happy. And in walks a brass band! Also! Philip and Charlie are strippers, woot! Jackie don’t curr, her and the guys keep working but the ladies are definitely distracted. And then in walks a Ring Girl and the menz stutter a bit. Cue the Sumo Wrestlers! So much chubby diapered arse.

Kevin and Chad are judged first; they get a point for each basket of 5 perfect dumplings and so their 20 approved dumplings earn the men 4 points.

Up next are Frank and Hassan, and I’m guessing Frank was NOT one of the chefs carefully watching during Chef Ramsay’s demo: he’s made Russian Pierogies instead of dumplings. Not nearly as foldy and then they got no points.Elmer and Joe think they’re gonna knock it out of the park: they get 1 point for the ones Elmer did and lots of shouting while the wimmens snicker.

Jared and Alan get 8 POINTS for their 40 perfect dumplings, respect, Alan. I thought you were full of it, turns out you know how to fold a pleat.

Now it’s the ladies turn: Danni and Jackie are up first with 6 points. Meese, Kristin and Manda bring up raw, poorly pleated dumplings are only get two points. Vanessa and Sherkenna get 4 points, just for Vanessa’s lovely dumplings. Ariel and Ashley take the anchor leg for the ladies and..their “horrey dumpings” sink several baskets but they get it!

The women are being whisked away in a helipcopter to Malibu for a beachfront meal at Geoffrey’s with Chef Ramsay. The men have to wash 40 lots of organic mushrooms and there’s a delivery too. I’m just gonna say: the losing team usually wins the dinner service, boys!

The women dress while the men pout and all is as it ever was in Hell’s Kitchen. Except: THIS is what the Blue Team has to work with:

It’s like a fungi tree? And they have to pluck the mushrooms off with tweezers. Better you than me, hooligans.

Chef Ramsay asks everyone to call him Gordon and I would just make the most giant ass out of myself…what with the lap climbing and “I love your work!!”, so ugly.

Back at the kitchen, the men have to unload and shuck corn while Jared tries to lead the team. Frank takes it personally (it must be EXHAUSTING being that young with that much testosteroni all over the place) and takes a run at him. I mean. But in the end, does nothing.

The Red Team is all relaxed and there was probably wine and let’s start picking out who will be on the block tonight! Imma guess Ashley and Vanessa. They did far more interviewing than anyone else and Hell’s Kitchen likes to telegraph ALL IT’S MOVES. But we’ll see!

There is a corn chowder tableside appetizer being made by Hassan and Manda as well as the regular menu; lessee who’s famous and about to not eat? Some guy from the Maze Runner, sorry, I’m NTD.

First ticket for the Blue Team has Bossy Jared on fish, and Joe drops a lamb when he is flipping them around in the pan.

Ashley is starting risotto for Red Team; her and Jackie are on appetizers and I really like it when we get to see a speeded up view of Jackie cruising around the kitchen: she never stops moving! However, she keeps getting in Ashley’s way and it’s making her mental. I couldn’t figure out why Ashley’s risotto looked so odd and why she needed 5 minutes…until Chef Ramsay points out that the stove is off. Um

Joe’s lamb goes out okay, next ticket! And he forgets it, just that fast. I don’t know why he asks Chef Ramsay, there are a whole team of guys there that would love to not be yelled at because he forgot the order. Maybe he’s a masochist and wants a sleeper for the Spank Bank later.

Joe does manage to get that food out for the ticket; I love how every single chef in the kitchen holds their breath until Chef Ramsay’s cleared a plate and sent for service.

Another celebrity is there: The Game, who they call a Rapper / Actor and looks hella ‘cited to be there. I’m guessing he isn’t hungry or doesn’t watch the show.

He and his 10-strong entourage don’t have reservations so sure, just walk on in and ask for a table anyway. He’s super famous and all and I almost know who he is. Oh Grammy nominated. Like so close to knowing who he is, but not quite caring enough to type The Game into the Google…and if Gordon Ramsay wants to pretend he didn’t know disguy was coming…

Their table is going to be 5 blue and 5 red, no way this will be tricky; coordinating with another kitchen and ten separate meals. I really hope The Game ate first. Ohhh this is bulllllshhhhiiiit, Ariel took Meese’s uncooked fish up to the window and didn’t say ANYTHING when Chef Ramsay lost it on Meese. That’s not okay, Ariel.

Sherkenna is trying to cook fish for what seems to be the first time, and to her credit, she’s asking lots of questions. She’s also making Meese stay right at her side and I know fish is tricky on HK, but surely people should know the culinary basics…? Sherkenna keeps saying the arctic char isn’t burnt because it’s lighter than her skin, and her skin isn’t burnt and I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT. Chef Ramsay isn’t having it, thankfully Danni jumps in and saves the kitchen for the ladies.

Final push time, last ticket of the night and wow! Two weeks in and they finish service! That never happens! The losing team is Red Team and I TOLD you whoever gets the reward wins the battle but loses the war!

There is all kinds of screaming back and forth on the women’s side about which three chefs are going up for elimination: Ashley, Meese, Ariel and Sherkenna are all very much on the defensive.

First nominee is Meese, second is Ariel and the third is Sherkenna. Ramsay does a whole eye roll head shake thing during Sherkenna’s speech and I would guess that is what’s happening tonight. He does send Sherkenna home, but first kicks Ariel back in line. Bai Sherkenna!

Next week I guess there’s a big fight with “dirty hooker” Ashley making out with Jared, and for reals? Talk about shame shagging. I know you’re looking to relieve some stress, Ash, but aim a little higher, yo.