Does that look crooked to you? If it does, it’s totally on purpose. Welcome back to Hell’s Kitchen! Last week we lost

Sherkenna due to a misunderstanding re: arctic char cooking like other fish, but with less burning, hopefully, let’s see what dead weight we slough this time!

Dramuh already! Meese and Ariel shit-talk the interview camera, well, Meese says it out in the open at least. Ariel calls Meese a dishwasher, or maybe telemarketer and I’m not really getting the connection…

Rico Suave Jared is eyeing up Ashley of the well-defined incisors, he’s massaging her calf while she scream-moans and everyone rolls their eyes. Any time you have to make that much noise while fully clothed: you’re after attention and not le petit mort.

Challenge time! Chef Ramsay is talking French and I think I just had my own little death. He asks if anyone understood him and Chad kinda knows. Alan tells him to stop sucking D for the camera but he was just answering the sexy, sexy question, ALAN!

It’s a Communication Challenge and he tells them to take off their jackets; there’s a recipe printed on the back which they will only be able to execute by communicating clearly with their teammate.

Most of the chefs figure out what their recipe is, the others are being steered wrong and Frank is deciding to do his own thing anyway. Huh. Kristin in particular is pissed, because Meese forgot to tell her to cut the filo dough into strips for her Spanakopita. Kiiiindd of important.

Judging time! Each dish was done by a red team member and a blue team member, so they will be judged head to head. Kristin is up first and her spanakopita looks like it was forgotten in a public bathroom.

She literally pouts while Hassan gets his point. Up next are Frank and Ashley, with their sliders. Frank added liquid smoke and gets thoroughly chastised for his wild and crazy out of the box thinking. Point Red Team!

Manda and her burrito (wrong! was supposed to be taquitos!) is delicious but wrong. Elmer did it properly! Meese and Alan made fish sandwiches, Meese gets a point for the women. The cheesesteak battle between Vanessa and Kevin is no tussle at all, Kevin handily knocks her light-on-the-salt arse oot.

Jared and Ariel go head to head on Spaghetti Carbonara, and both get points. Jackie and Joe did two very different-looking Eggplant Parmesans

And Jackie swears she put hers in the pizza oven and she’s GOT THIS. She did not get this, or a point, and he sends her off with her “diapers”.Ooooooo buuuurnnnn

The Blue Team has won handily, and will be sunning, drinking and being massaged by the pool in Santa Barbara. The Red Team will be breaking down and de-scaling 100 pounds of sea bass. *herk* Kristin literally pouts again; this is our criminal, right?

Kristin is still bitching at Meese, who does not give one teeny tiny pouty feck. The men moan and groan throughout their massages and I mean.

The women dress and de-scale fish and ooooh! I forgot they make them eat weird things during punishment!! It’s nice to see Christina anyway, even if she is slinging Fish Head Soup. Jackie digs it and Princess Ashley pukes and all is as it ever was between Orlando and Jersey.

The menz are enjoying their mixology course and eating cucombre (like cucumber, but SCHMEXY) by the pool while Jackie drives everyone crazy with her constant chatter. She calls Ashley a “dirty hookah” and she knows she doesn’t have to do that, right? We already have an opinion about Jersey, and even it’s metaphorically over in the corner making a slashing motion across it’s neck.

At dinner service pep-talk time, Chef Ramsay says Buzz Aldrin will be there! Meese is a moron because she thinks that’s Buzz Lightyear and she is DEAD to me.

Buzz isn’t the only celeb, though, there’s some Terry Fator guy? I mean. BUZZ ALDRIN!!!!

Ashley and Alan are making the bass tableside:

And Vanessa is forgetting orders literally 10 seconds after they are called. Sigh. On the Blue Team, Jared is working the Appetizer Station; everyone holds their breath until his risotto passes muster. Danni is having to work with Vanessa and I really hope she’s tasting…Vanessa snaps at Chef Ramsay and he smiles at the floor and we all know if Red Team sinks tonight: we will have seen the last of Vanessa.

Kristin can’t remember the orders as called either, he has this special ability to sense just when someone’s head is out of the game and he POUNCES like a giant Scottish rugby player in heat. She finally gets it right but she smirk / whines all the way through it and I don’t know if that’s the BEST strategy with said aforementioned giant Scottish rugby player in heat.

The Blue Team is literally almost coming to blows (FRANK) and messing up risotto and Kevin is on the hot seat again.

Manda has messed up the Red Team by two minutes, Meese throws away a full Wellington right after slicing and my poor thrifty heart winces. Meanwhile, Kevin is putting fully cooked beautifully browned Wellingtons, in their distinctive silver bring-up-to-the-window platters, back in the oven. Sigh. Hassan warns him (in interview) that Kevin better “back up before he gets slapped up” and you know he spent all week thinking of that, so it needed to be recorded in all it’s glory.

Kevin and his tiny man-pony are having a bad night.

Oh noooo, Manda is just making GARNISHES and she’s causing hundreds of dollars worth of waste. 5 full Wellingtons, all discarded because Manda couldn’t get the potato and beans right.

The Blue Team is finally running smoothly, Buzz digs the tuna and yay! Jackie has fcuked up the arctic char AGAIN but Chef Ramsay gives her another chance and she says she’s wit it, which means the opposite, I’m guessing. I’m right! The whole Red Team gets kicked out and here we go: Meese, Jackie and Vanessa should be feeling that heat on the back of their necks right now. And Kevin should be thanking his big blue purple stars.

It’s interesting to note that the Red Team were the losing team for the reward, and that team usually wins the dinner service, unless there is internal conflict and people aren’t getting into that rhythm. I guess the Ashley / Jackie tension could have been a factor, but whatever it is, they just did not have their head in the game whatsoever, and the Blue Team was able to ride their massaged foot vibe all the way to dinner service completion.

Jackie is putting up everyone BUT herself, she’s getting mad and manic and ooh! I forgot Manda hooked everyone with the garnish!

Elimination time! The Red Team is putting up Meese and …Ariel throws in Vanessa, which was NOT the team decision. Chef Ramsay swears and honestly: Meese threw away product because of MANDA. It’s just that Meese doesn’t speak up, really, no way that will work out for her in a kitchen. I quite like Manda, I’ve grown to respect her in the entire three hours I’ve seen her, minus commercials, but holding everything up for potatoes and beans?

Meese and Vanessa do the thing; I’m proud of Vanessa for speaking up for herself, represent, sister! Meese must have forgotten that she threw away all that meat because of Manda, because she apologizes for her mistake but doesn’t say why. I mean.

Ramsay fcuks with the ladies again, telling Meese to…get back in line and Vanessa to hand in her jacket. I knew when he smiled at the floor that she was done.

So; Red Team needs to regroup and come together; refocus their chi and align their motherhumping chakras. The Blue Team is feeling all cocky and that kind of momentum can be impossible to turn around on this show. Namaste chefs, until next week.