Did you notice we skipped a number there on Hell’s Kitchen? No 13 Chefs Compete this time, since Gordo sent *ALL THE SPOILERS*tiny man-pony Kevin AND AmishAsianAlan packing. We’re just zipping along now! Let’s find out who’s packing their new knives tonight:
It’s so odd that BOTH teams are doing so poorly right now; usually by this time at least one has a rhythm and team energy going. Not so here yet.
Jackie is pissed off because Ashley was positive and then NOT positive about her and now we must invoke a Reality Show Mantra: “Why’d you throw me under the bus?” which is second in popularity only to “I’m not here to make friends,” my personal favourite. If you aren’t positive who the stunt casting choices are, just look for those phrases; they’re like beacons of light, illuminating the dirty, dirty famehewers reality TV loves so hard.
Oh, my bad, it was “fake ass bitch blah fake blah blah bitch blah fake ass bitch blah”, which is usually a precursor to wig-snatching, but I’m pretty sure none of these ladies are rocking hair systems, so it’s just not gonna be the same.
Oh no you DIN’T!! Jackie thinks she gets to call people donkeys!! Only Gordo gets to make burro noises!!!
Meanwhile, Ashley and Jared sit on her bed while he “comforts” her and woo hoo!! I heard it! She said “it’s a competition, I’m not here to make friends” and Praise Jeebus!! They hug and awwww, he’s there for her. Or his genitals are, I couldn’t make it out, was all muffle-y with the chef’s jacket.
I just need everyone to pause for a moment and wonder if you could see ANY of these people actually running a real, legit, existing restaurant with customers and everything? I mean, some of the early winners for sure: Dave, Christina, Rock even. I could see them leading effectively. This season is too heavy on the stunt casting and shark jumping for my taste, and a little light on talent.
Speaking of Christina, she calls all the cooks downstairs, field trip time! They pull up outside Field’s Bakery, Chef Ramsay is waiting and tells them fresh ingredients and markets are the only way to make great food. But oh no! They won’t be shopping IN Field’s Bakery (WHERE’S MA CHEQUE??), they’ll be working as a team, using the shopping carts to spell out ingredient names that the whole team will have to use.
I mean
Come ON!! The chefs look as confused as I feel.
One of the ingredients they choose on purpose is BEETS?? I mean BEET, they couldn’t find an S. Man. This is what they end up with:
And now they get 60 seconds to race into the store and grab a supplementary ingredient for their dishes. Manda chose tomatoes, Chad went with Black Rice (?), Hassan grabbed Andouille Sausage, Ariel snatched bacon; we didn’t see what anyone else got. It’s challenge time and Chef Ramsay tells them each dish will be scored between 1 and 5.
Carl is up first with his moldy bagina plate: he gets 3/5 (black rice was undercooked and felt like he was in Afghanistan with a mouth full of bullets?)
Elmer’s pan-seared salmon scores 4/5
And Frank only manages a 3/5 because to much cream in his cream sauce (?)
Chef Ramsay figures Jared’s rice is bland and only gives him 3/5
And now new Blue Team member Manda! Let’s see if those ‘maters paid off! They did and she gets a solid 4/5
Joe scores the first 5/5, woo hoo!
And Red Team is up, with Jackie to start. She thinks her food sucks, but her plating will pull her through. Let’s take a look at her food before we go any further
Now, I’m not positive, but I’m going to guess “looks like a dog’s chewed at it” isn’t a “wow, your food tastes like crap, but it’s plated so well I’m just going to actually eat with my eyes instead of my mouth” that she was looking for. Is it Opposite Land where Jackie lives? Every interview: I got this. Cut back to challenge: wah wah. Anyway, she gets 2/5 and a “piss-off.”
Ariel gets a 5/5 for her halibut, woo hoo!
Hassan un-sauced dish and his sausage get 3/5
Kristin’s is called too bland (Hassan told her more salt!) but gets 4/5 so it couldn’t have been THAT bad
Dannie’s looks like some of Phillip’s Strawberry Salad sauce spilled onto her plate, and it is ALSO too sweet: 3/5
Ashley is the last one up and needs a perfect score to tie, will she do it with her halibut with curry sauce?
And she does! They tie and I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before. There’s a sudden death win now, with Ariel and Ashley’s dishes going up against Joe’s. Ashley wins it for the women, yay! The reward is a trip in the stunt plane! I’ll peel potatoes instead please. Ty.
Oh and it’s grapes, not potatoes the blue team will be peeling. They’re prepping everything by hand for Sangria, yay!
The stunt plane looks like fun, sure. Hand me some grapes; I’ll go bash coconuts like Joe.
Back at the kitchen prepping for dinner, Ariel and Jackie are trying to breach their language barrier: “so you do half a pint?” “I do a cup” “So like a pint?” Jackie can’t believe Ariel can’t measure cup sizes with her eyes. …. …Ariel finally stomps away, she uses recipes, SHE CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS!
A short pep talk later (got the broth warming for the risotto? – foreshadow alert!!) the doors open and in come hungry people! And soon to be disappointed people, should they not have watched any HK in preparation. Pfft, they’re there for the show, nobody wants to eat on camera anyway!
Awww Omar Benson Miller is there! Aka the Turtle from Ballers. I love Turtle. Omar’s okay too
As usual, there is a tableside appetizer, this one is octopus, I think. Joe and Kristin will be knocking this out
First Red Team tickets are up, and going smoothly until Chef Ramsay notices that Hassan is melting into his lobster pot; right after an interview where he says he’s “not sweating” working the fish station “at all”. Editors:
Blue Team has it’s first tickets; Chef Ramsay says something about speaking French and Jared starts saying “oui” to everything, but I’m prettttyyy sssuuuuuure that isn’t what he meant. Frank is a RACIST, huh?
Still working on those first appetisers are Ariel and Hassan, with Chef Ramsay complimenting Ariel and Hassan NOT understanding. Nobody is gonna drink your sweat, or any of your other bodily fluids, H. Slow the Sam Hill down.
Joe is lost, just wandering aboot looking for a table and woo hoo! Gordon calls him a donkey! Ohh and then calls him over after his very slow (supposedly charming) tableside service to say he looks like a sack of shite in the sun, he’s dirty, he’s slow GET OFF OUT OF HERE!! I will say I didn’t see that coming, seems a bit rash, doesn’t it? Joe thinks it is too, he runs back and gets on a clean jacket and comes back. Sometimes that pays off…sometimes not so much. We shall see.
Garnish is screwing everyone over in both kitchens, especially Jackie in Red. Chad thinks his background working at a 3 Michelin Star restaurant will help him…but raw chicken says otherwise. Chef Ramsay leads an Order Shouting Boot Camp and finally allows everyone to start cooking again once Chad screams sufficiently loudly.
So both teams lost, but Ariel and Jared are singled out as having great services; they get to pick who goes up on the block. Two things about that: Ramsay’s just fcuking with Ariel, he never said booo to her before and I don’t see that much growth that fast. He did the same thing to Hassan, artificially inflating his sense of self-worth, like an Alberta housing market. Hassan, having now left the glow of Ramsay’s approval, is warming himself with a special kind of Dad Likes Me Best Rage. I just don’t see Jared as a factor. He might get laid, but I don’t think he’s getting a golden ticket any time soon.
The second thing is that Ariel shouts immediately when arriving back in the dorms “If I call your name and you’re on the patio, you’re up for elimination” and
Jared interviews Elmer blah blah blah, he really thinks he has power. It’s ridic. Ariel tells Jackie she’s up fo SHO. She tells Kristin she’s ALSO up, wow, just blowing through everything. Kristin accuses her, in front of the gang, of walking around with a crown on her head and Ariel interviews that “as a strong black woman” you bet your ass she does.
Elimination Time! Ariel does as advertised and puts up Jackie and Kristin, but Chef Ramsay is confused by that call and he sends her back in line almost immediately. Jared puts up Joe and Elmer, Joe gets sent back and it’s between Elemer and Jackie. I am sad because I haven’t seen Jackie dump an ashtray on anyone so she will be staying. 🙁
And so we lose Elmer / Eddie. Ramsay says six services in, he couldn’t wait any longer for that leader to emerge. As he’s leaving, Elmer / Eddie says “it’s the story of my life, nice guys finish last” and NONE of you want to know what happens when someone tells me that line or refers to themselves that way. NONE OF YOU
And we oot! Until next week Script Kiddies!
