Hi everyone and welcome back to Our Ladies At Litchfield, everyone ready for Bunny, Skull, Bunny, Skull on Orange is the New Black? Sure! Let’s roll after the break
It’s time for Aleida Diaz (Elizabeth Rodriguez) to go, yay!! Party bus is leaving, don’t let the door hit you, lady, seeya.
Daya (Dascha Polanco) and Gloria Mendoza (Selenis Leyva) walk her out, she’s bequeathed her nail kit to Daya, who can use it for “little pictures or some shit.” Why haven’t we left out the part where her terror and lack of real world skills means that she’ll probably be right back? Or maybe we’re optimists today, after the Women’s March on Washington.
The door to Processing is locked so CO McCullough (Kelly Tarver) tells a knee-slapper of a story involving another “…Hispanic” girl released at midnight who didn’t have a ride and got picked up for soliciting trying to get to town. From Prison to Jail in one hour; Mendoza asks if maybe there’s another story she could tell right now??
That’s it, she’s really going! Daya’s starting to get upset because she forgot her going away present for her mom in her cell, but Mendoza has the best advice for Aleida. Buy yourself a good pair of shoes and get to work. Truer words!
Blanca (Laura Gomez) is still standing on her table! Desi Piscatella (Brad William Henke) warns her. She falls, the jig is up, but she’ll stand there until she gets in the Guinness, baby.
Red (Kate Mulgrew) is as confused as I am; isn’t it usually the short ones that act like that? Piscatella is a giant, nothing Napoleonic about him.
He’s got CO Stratman’s back (Evan Hall), two days in and two public table urinations later; they’re in the brotherhood! Caputo (Nick Sandow) is totally cool with this, right?? Oh sure
I’d say maybe 2 years ago Caputo wouldn’t be totally cool with this, but Side Boob has become one of the privileged and he isn’t giving that up easily. Plus he’s humping another anti-christ, this time Linda (Beth Dover) with the big gun and even bigger access to heady, soul-killing power.
The Einsteins on Team WhitePower are discussing Jesus, who wasn’t middle eastern, totally white, just SUPER tan but anyway is not represented by Blanca rubbing fish sauce on herself. I’d say fish sauce would be the least of anyone’s olfactory problems at this point.
Team AltRight demonstrates it’s respect for legal non-violent protesting by throwing food at Blanca, who makes lemonade out of sour grapes and eats it, which they think is gross AND hilarious. Piper (Taylor Schilling) and Alex are creeped the eff oot, Piper taking all the responsibility and Alex (Laura Prepon) taking the piss out of her.
But she did group it and threw it towards the Dominicans! It was her (SO STUPID) business plan and now it’s backfiring. “This prison is turning into some gross social experiment”, yes, almost as though someone(s) was trying to build social messages around slapstick comedy and unrealistic portrayals of people as stick-figure symbols. Almost like that.
Piper will just go sort this out with Piscatella, he’s semi-reasonable! Cut to Piscatella threatening to make whomever gives Blanca a beverage crawl back to her bunk. I mean. I guess we’re supposed to be horrified by the human rights violations, but it’s difficult when THEY STILL WON’T FCUKING SHOW SOPHIA, WHOSE RIGHTS ARE BEING COMPLETELY VIOLATED THE WHOLE TIME.
Aleida’s ride is late (good thing she didn’t hitch! Har de har har) but arrives just in time for Aleida to get the going away present from Daya. It’s a cartoon sketch of the two of them together, awww, who’s this picking her up? One of her other many daughters? She’s been sent by Cesar, does that mean Daya’s bebeh is okay and back out of care??
It’s exercise time for Sister Jane (Beth Fowler), which she takes as an opportunity to look for Sophia (Laverne Cox), whom she finds in B12! Yay!! She’s coughing, though, she sounds terrible, very weak. Is she getting her hormones in there?
Red’s brought some big elastics for Nicky’s (Natasha Lyonne)’s even bigger hair, let’s do this! But no! Nicky is back on that slippery wagon, she’s gone cold turkey. She reassures Red and she’s off to do manual labour; she’s found that’s best for her when she’s coming clean.
I know everyone loves Nicky Nichols and Natasha Lyonne but I am frustrated with her storyline this season. She went from three years sober to using daily all in one episode, AND trading sexual favours, oh yeah, it was AWESOME. Or exactly the opposite of awesome, one of those.
Maria (Jessica Pimmental) chats up Daya; her mom is gone, hey? “For what’s it’s worth, I liked her, even though she’s a b*tch.” That pretty much sums up Aleida for me too, except for the liking bit. Daya feels like this is her first real day in prison, the others didn’t count because her mom was there, for good or bad. Maria offers her a spot on her crew. HARD PASS, DAYA!!! Mendoza overhears and drags Daya into the walk-in fridge.
Aleida is having a little bit of trouble adjusting to the outside world, full of people and coffee and not oysters. Her companion (my kingdom for a name! Relation, anything!) asks what the first thing she’s gonna do is; Aleida wants a shower. Not because it was all Chained Heat up in there, they showered separately and there was no TB, but because she wants to feel like herself again.
Her friend’s cousin got out last month, and apparently you could hide stuff in under-boob sweat if you had big-uns.
She really want to know what prison is like? It was hard (and smelled like old farts), but at least she had people in there. She doesn’t have anyone out here, OR any money, OR a way to get her kids back. This other woman has also had one of Cesar’s baby, but you know, by accident.
DAYUM. Cesar must have super-sperm! And an admirable sex drive, if not a slightly shaky moral stance. Aleida feels like she has a sign on her, she’s practically crawling out of her skin
So Nicky’s wagon ride was predictably short, she’s already at Ouija (Rosal Colon) for some more heroin. The word is out, though, no drugs for Red’s baby girl, we see her warning Angie (Julie Lake) that she will never know what “untold horrors” might be slipped into her food if she does. Angie does attempt to negotiate… Red’s stare still works!
Sister Jane is preparing her very first kite, awww. She needs a cockroach, a biggie slow! Several kite swings later, it gets to Sophia!!!!! Oh she looks terrible, but her gorgeous smile lights up the room.
Caputo is sitting at his oak desk reading www.dannytalkstruth.com when Taystee (Danielle Brooks) comes in with her movie suggestion: The Wiz! Now, there was a time many years ago that I loved Michael Jackson and his music with all my wee heart. I was only 10 or so, and it was a couple of years before I could pick Michael Jackson out of a lineup, but I LOVED his music and I watched and listened to The Wiz a BUNCH because of that. So I’m ‘cited, but I don’t know that everyone else is gonna be
Maritza (Diane Guerrera) isn’t doing so well, she’s puking in the bathroom while CO Stratman and CO McCullough listen and speculate. Stratman saw CO Humphrey (Michael Torpey) take Maritza into the guardhouse by himself, but that can’t equal pregnant yet. Stratman knows how farked up Humphrey is, though. He’s a sadistic bastard of just the type that psychological screening is supposed to weed out. For being a prison guard, for being in the army / air force / navy, of which he is supposedly a veteran. Is that the point OITNB is making? Poor psychological screening of minimum wage correctional officers to save money? They did bring up PTSD just before the new guards were brought in.
Stratman justifies whatever Humphrey did to Ramos as being okay; they’re part of the brotherhood; the boots on the ground having to deal with all of this. McCullough (RIGHT AFTER COMPARING IT TO DATE RAPE) decides to go with the flow, it’s not like they have proof, right?
Suzanne (Uzo Aduba) and Morello (Yael Stone) are swabbing the tiles; hey, there’s Lolly’s Time Machine! Where’s Lolly again? Did Sam Healy take her to safety? Morello would take it back to her wedding night and now *mop bang* her Vince (John Magaro) *mop bang* is spending all his time *mop-bang* with her sister *mop-bang* just like she asked! But what about you, Suzanne???
Suzanne would go back to outside the broom closet with Kukudio (Emily Atlhaus) and this time “do the dance with no pants” except that Kukudio might actually be crazier than her. What with the hair doll…don’t ask. Morello’s a romantic, though, the broom closet is still there!
Aleida’s got her swerve back on
I’m going to make an executive decision and dub this new babymama of Cesar’s Margarita (Karina Ortiz – there are 1000 cast members on OITNB and NOBODY looks anything like their stock photo!), but maybe she’s not just Cesar’s babymama, maybe she has another man, since she’s buying a bunch of flash clothes and all.
Let’s just lay this out nice and clearly; Aleida is furious and scornful with Margarita, who has a new man since Cesar has been sent up for 10 years. Aleida herself went to jail to cover FOR Cesar, who repaid her loyalty by A) sleeping with her daughter and B) knocking up Margarita and god knows how many other people in the meantime, because “that’s what you do when you love somebody.” So. Aleida isn’t angry with CESAR, but rather her replacement, who isn’t treating Cesar properly, by treating him exactly as he treated Aleida.
Ladies and gentlemen: the Patriarchy, how it is enforced on women by other women. See also: older generation women telling younger women to make sure they do all the cleaning, even if they work longer hours than their partners, because men “work harder.”
And lest you think this is just a product of a particular socioeconomic environment, let’s move to the rarefied atmosphere of Stanford, where it’s also believed by some that “men can’t keep it in their pants.” That mentality is everywhere and it does women AND men no favours.
Aleida stomps out in all her righteous fury, now the proud owner of one skin-tight faux-satin dress, one oversized jacket, five bucks and the unshakeable certainly that she is worth less than any man she loves. She seems bummed.
Also bummed is Taystee, nobody wants to watch The Wiz! Except Suzanne, but she really likes The Wizard of Oz.
Unrelated: Judy King (Blair Brown) needs to make it rain soon, Watson (Vicky Jeudy) in impatient but Cindy (Adrienne C. Moore) knows wealth is just a state of mine. I’m not sure I have mentioned this or not but BOY I do not like Poussey (Samira Wiley) and SoSo (KImiko Glenn) as a couple as I sure don’t like the lack of Poussey’s character development.
Sister Jane alllllllmost made it to the shower with her cell phone, but an ill-timed sneeze brings everything out into the open.
Team White Power is out working hard in the yard, lamenting the lack of films that are about the accomplishments of white people…but “f*cking Morgan Freeman” is in everything.
Piper makes an attempt at an apology to Nicky for enabling her out in the field, but Nicky isn’t taking Piper’s Concern Guilt sandwich. She’s still grappling with trying to forgive herself for throwing away three years of being clean, that’s where bad decisions flourish. If you can’t forgive yourself, then you can’t move on. If you can’t move on, you stay right there, making bad decisions, because hey! You make bad decisions, that’s what you do.
Addiction is a beast
Red’s being extraordinarily thorough, too, approaching CO Dixon (Mike Houston) with chives and ginger to secure his embargo against the Nicky Nichols addiction machine. She makes a great point about little old ladies with bad hearing knowing absolutely everything…. that’s how she gets her way.
Suzanne makes her move, advising Kukudio, who is plucking leg hairs and blinking mutely a lot, that she is maybe might willing to try to broom closet again. During movie night.
Walking away, she runs into Lolly (Lori Petty), hi Lolly, I was just asking about you! Her tinfoil hat is screwed on too tight and you know if SUZANNE thinks that…
Piper makes a run at Piscatella to ask him to back down on Blanca, but the big bear of Litchfield is done with taking advice from our local WASP. He throws her out hard; another bridge burned for Piper Chapman.
Caputo is in yelling at Sister Jane in the SHU; her speech about having a conscience has no effect on him, she’ll be in there for awhile. Or does it after all?? He stops and uses the phone to snap a picture of Sophia, so maybe her wife Crystal will get what she needs after all!
Daya works up her nerve to go into the Maria’s Salon de Heroin, she’s thinking she’ll do nail designs, you know, like skulls or bunnies. Ouija wants bunny, skull, bunny, skull on hers, izzat cool? Sure! What about all the drug dealing, should she come back? Only if she has a problem with it? Noooo
Aleida makes it to her cousin Jazmina’s (Julee Cerda) crib, why hasn’t she been answering calls? She’s acting weird
Bottom line: Jazmina doesn’t have the money Aleida left with her, OR the clothes. Maybe the shoes, but the point is: Aleida has nothing.
The Aryan Nation is congregated around Pennsatucky (Taryn Manning), who’s starting to get jealous of the women’s adoration of Sankey (Kelly Karbacz) and this is the crux of organizations like the KKK. They’re just groups of like-minded people, not particularly evil, you could even argue. I wouldn’t, because they are totally evil, but mostly just people being people. Most of them aren’t even believers, just maybe their family and friends are and there’s that human need to belong…and rise in the ranks…and oppress people of colour, yeah no, I couldn’t make that full argument. But you know what I mean, right? The most striking thing about organized racism is how BANAL most of it is, how day to day they aren’t much different from those they actively try, as an organization, to keep down. In fact, poor people everywhere have more in common with each other everywhere then has to do with colour or cultural background and it has to be great for the people WITH all the money that we keep fighting each other instead of them.
Nicky’s searching the electrical office for H when Luschek (Matt Peters) finds her and spills the beans about f*cking Judy King for her release.
Nicky isn’t ready to roll out a thank you to Luschek, who got her sent to Max in the first place. Well. Kinda. She thinks Luschek’s in love with her and boy would THAT be barking up the wrong tree. I hadn’t even considered that previously, I thought he just felt bad. He slides her a joint, which doesn’t do anything for her, but she grudgingly thanks him before I can get a head of steam up about him getting her high and she’s gone.
Maritza still isn’t talking. Flaca (Jackie Cruz) knows their schedules sync, so it can’t be that, what’s up? The usual?
Awww man, she ate the live baby mouse. Flaca can’t believe it; these guards think they can whatever they want and that’s because they ARE.
A fight is brewing during Movie Night, only Watson and Taystee are enjoying the flick, although Alison (Amanda Stephen) pledges allegiance after the racial slurs start flying.
‘Tucky slides her way over to Donuts (James McMenamin), does he ever feel like a person without a country? He sure does, the rapey bastage!
Kukudio’s been eyeing up Suzanne the entire time, taking out her earphones is the sign! It’s broom closet time! Kukudio starts by rubbing Suzanne’s arm in a circular motion, then a fast hand down her pants leads to descriptions of lightning bolts, glow worms, the works. Juuust before Suzanne finishes, Kukudio stops. Now Suzanne knows what it feels like to be abandoned in the middle of the woods.
This whole storyline of innocent Suzanne who’s never had sex or anyone touch her goes directly against her in season one of Orange is the New Black, where she was a sexual aggressor. It makes no sense to me.
The guards can feel the room getting nastier and nastier; more direct racial slurs are flying now and they are seriously outnumbered if anything goes south. Donuts makes the call to shut down movie night and Taystee and I are devastated: Richard Pryor was The Wiz!!
Gloria takes Daya aside finally; watch out for Maria. She doesn’t want in on that shite. She wants to rebel against her mother, fine, but watch herself.
Um. I hate that we’re supposed to forget that Daya was quite closely involved in Cesar’s business back in the day and instead are supposed to focus on her downfall now that her (nightmare of a) mother has left prison. I mean
Speaking of Aleida, she’s gone back to Cesar’s old apartment, she has nowhere else to go.
Ohhhh Caputo gives that cell phone with picture to Danny!! I love seeing Danny (Mike Biribiglia) again even if only for 30 seconds or so.
Piper drops off a granola bar (by Blanca’s feet, where she has no chance of reaching it without falling over in her condition. Weird choice, but totally Piper) to Blanca, she’s not just gonna watch someone starve to death! Instead of giving her shots, Dixon puts her up on the table too.
None of that makes sense.
Hunky construction lead Leon (Quincy Chad) has tough news for Piscatella (AND Alex, Lolly and Frieda (Dale Soules)), they’re gonna have to route the sewer through the gardens and greenhouse. Whoops. With Caputo not picking up, Piscatella makes the call (because all of a sudden in prison everything has to be decided right now?) and we’re digging!
Right into Toothpick’s dismembered body as Red and Frieda watch. The jig, she is up! And we’re oot
I think I shouted enough during that my opinion on everything was pretty clear, until next time you guys!
