We’re back for episode 2 of season 4 of Orange is the New Black, who’s ready to roll? ME TOO! Doing it to it after the break!

Dat song…We’re in lineup for the bathroom, woot and we’re singing! And then we’re nekkid and yay non-traditionally-seen body types! Stretch marks and love handles make me SO HAPPY!! Real bodies!!

Maria (Jessica Pimental) is not so excited to see all these people crowding around her, nekkid or not. The floors in the lunchroom are a mess too, this is what happens when you double the population in a small prison! Mendoza (Selenis Leyva) wants to know what’s up?? C’mon!

Daya (Dascha Polanco) is arguing with her ma Aleida (Elizabeth Rodriguez); doesn’t she know what happens to kids in the system?? Oh shite, I’d forgotten that Daya sent her baby home with her ma’s boyfriend instead of Pornstache’s mom. And that the police busted him and took the wee bebeh just at the end of the season. Dang.

WHERE IS BENNETT???

Ohhhh shite, I even forgot that psycho Aleida lied to Pornstache’s mum about the baby dying and pretty much made all that happen herself. I mean, I knew I strongly disliked her, that poor actress has been getting no passes from me. She was in Fear The Walking Dead S1 and I spent the whole time glaring at her.

Aleida’s money’s on Cesar, though, she’s not saying it’s going to be easy, just that they’re not out yet: they got cards.

Red is giving her new roomie the gears about her snoring, there is nothing to be done, though. She has an abnormally large Uvula. I shall call her that, as I’m betting I’m not gonna get a name. Piper chimes in: Larry snored. Awww, I’d completely blocked that arsehole out. I disliked him even more than you-know-who ^^^. Piper’s her usual helpful self, she used to place books under his side of the mattress, but no, it didn’t work. She just went to sleep first. Such a helper, that one.

She’s also getting pushed around by her new bunkie, Hapakuka, now she’s hanging her wet towel over Piper’s part of the bed. Oooohhhh and Piper stands down, opting to think globally and reduce mildew. Hapakuka is a master. Red laughs.

Oop, my bad, I’ve been calling Black Cindy Black Cindy, but she goes by Tova since her conversion. Her bunkmate Alison Abdullah (Amanda Stephen) doesn’t buy it either, unless the V is a five or some shite. Tova’s all “Like you was born in Karachi” which cracks me and Taystee up during count. The guards finish count and hustle them off to a meeting in the Chapel (wince), “including you, Puffy Head” which makes mine and Tova’s heads swivel: who does she think she’s calling Puffy Head??

Angie can’t get over how many Mexicans there are now, “it’s like a Home Depot parking lot” and I don’t know what what means…Leanne (Emma Myles) corrects her; they’re Dominicans: “if you’re gonna be racist, be accurate or you just look dumb.” Then we go over some racial stereotypes, just to make sure, but yeah: Angie hates them.

Caputo is MCing the Come to Jeebus Meeting, introducing Desi Piscatella from the SWAT team as the new Captain of the Guards. Caputo’s explaining the measures (Poussey periodically shouting JUDY KING in the background) they’ve put in place to offset the influx of extry bodies: porta potties in the yard (the cleaning of which will be added to the inmates duties: Suzanne is ‘CITED!). And ear plugs “lie back, it’s like you’re on a desert island.” Er

In the middle of the spiel, Sister Jane (Beth Fowler) asks about Sophia (Laverne Cox) AND HOW ARE WE ALREADY INTO EPI 2 WITH NO SOPHIA?? Last we saw her, she’d been locked up in SHU for her own “protection” after that psycho Aleida whipped up the crowd against her because Gloria’s son was being an arsehole. It’s very complicated, but basically, Sophia is in lockdown because she got beat up for being trans because Aleida is an C-WORD THAT DOESN’T MOO.

Instead of answering, Piscatella starts leading breathing exercises and when nobody does that, bangs out the air horn. Relaxation breathing is not OPTIONAL, people!! It could save your LIFE!

Blanca’s ‘cited though, the Potato With Eyes wasn’t the only one to notice how many Dominicans are wandering around, they’re the majority now, she tells Maria.

Oooh and we get Maria’s backstory, yay! I love backstory time. Her dad El Leon (Joseph Melendez) was the head of a Dominican gang and he had her involved in the lifestyle from eaaaarly, running drug rallies at her birthday party. Homeland forever!

Caputo’s trying to bond with Piscatella, it’s not going very well. He stops Healy; he needs Judy King’s special room set up. She gets one roommate, mebbe, while everyone else has 39. On average. Healy doesn’t want to play, he has 80 new inmates to do intake on, but Caputo warns him: HQ has their collective twat in a knot; she must be taken care of, business class style and watchyer back, “MCC, they love a recent college graduate with no salary quote.”

In the phone queue, the Crying Lady is no more crying over wrestling! Just some uncomfortable-sounding swollen testicles: something about 2009 and no, no, we don’t want that. Gloria whispers to Benny; she needs him to tell Michael that Sophia’s in SHU and she didn’t do nothing. Maybe the mom can do something!

In walks Piper and sinister music plays as Former Cryer hands over the phone receiver. I mean.

Charlie’s trying to talk to Pensatucky again, is she okay after her gnarly seizure? He’s feeling a lot better. He’s been reading up, a good night’s sleep will fix her right up. OctopusNeck watches, “ain’t he thoughtful?” And him with a nice tight arse on him too, just like her second husband.

I will try not to shout, but I don’t understand how goofy Charlie Donuts doesn’t understand why someone he raped doesn’t want to hang out after. It wasn’t ambiguous, it wasn’t date rape (ALSO RAPE), it wasn’t his word against her word, it wasn’t rough sex with an infamous former radio personality, it was violent sexual assault. Sans consent. Does he black out? Is that what he did when he also made her crawl across the mud to eat doughnut parts? This is too weird, but I will do my best to not yell about it continuously.

Healy has Judy King in his office, she doesn’t understand why she wasn’t left where she was; Healy thinks it’s just as well, that bunk was a little “urban” for her. Does he mean black, Judy and I want to know? Why yes, she would be the only star in a night sky and who wouldn’t want to be the only star in a night sky?? She doesn’t have a problem with black people, does he? Well, no, not…individually. Oh nooo, here we go. As a group, though. And Asians, let’s hold forth on Asians! Or let’s not.

Judy doesn’t care about what colour her roomie is, she’d talk to a dog in a hat! She just wants clean and considerate and I am so sad for Poussey that she didn’t get her hero as her bunkie. Oh. Judy doesn’t want any “fatties, Nebraskans or anybody with too much hair.” What’s the deal with Nebraskans?? Healy understands her perfectly.

In the TV room, Flores and the Dominicans are flexing; they will not change the channel to the Travel Channel for the white girls to watch a show about swim-up bars, they’re watching the Dominican Republic in a World Cup qualifying match. Maria calls her over, why’s she acting like an arsehole? Maria’s worried everyone’s already pissed at them for being so many. Ah, but Flores has done the math slightly differently, this majority means they don’t have to listen to ANYONE.

We’re back to teenage Maria, home from Catholic school with her friend Sirena (Jamila Velasquez) who El Leon flirts with outrageously. They escape to Maria’s room to see a Mexican drug dealer ditch something in the garbage, which Maria’s snags and throws back in her room. Just in time, as the cops come and slam her up against the garage door for a frisking, finding “nothing but ass.” I was all indignant, she’s like 15 here and they’re feeling her up just because she’s a minority and walking within 5 yards of possibly some drugs?? And then my hubs pointed out she’s being played by a 35 year old actress, so, well, anyway. THE POINT STANDS.

Back in present day, Piper’s luxuriating in the feeling of sitting at the Big Girl’s Table, after all the shite (and bloody tampon) Red gave her in the beginning…She calls herself a Gambino up in here lately. Red warns her, get power in here and they come gunning for you. Especially when you can’t pay them. Chapman thinks her takedown of Stella, her rebound romance who stole all her monies is giving her a protective coating, but Red knows better. That will just mean they should take her out first. Chapman is starting to get worried.

Red advises: get a bodyguard. And an entourage, make them think you’re stronger than you are. Ah says Piper, like you did! But no, Red’s power was no illusion “I can fcuking demolish you.” Norma (Annie Golden) wins their game anyway, so who has the real strength?

Tova’s messing with her roomie again, last time it was over Alison not putting her shoes on the floor (that’s bottom bunk territory), to be escalated by Alison getting Gerber’s permission to do so. Tova’s put all of Allison’s shit on the floor, she likes it so much. Tova has more shite, and more friends and fair’s fair, from the Latin “fairay” meaning “go suck a fart.” Does she really want to go there?

Yoga Jones has been put into Judy’s massive cell, she looks so tentative and sad. Aww Yoga.

Red’s enjoying another night of snoring from Uvula, trying everything possible to no avail. I love Red.

Piper awakes to find Hapakuka raising and lowering her bunk with her legs; hey, I thought she had bad knees!! She thinks Chapman has a lot of anger.

Big Boo and Pensatucky (Taryn Manning) are watching Maritza (Diane Guerrero) from across the room, they’re worried Donuts has attacked her too, but they’re not seeing the same “significant…dip in morale” that ‘Tucky went through. And nobody can really “turn that rape upside down,” can they? Really?

Morello is still going on about her husband, it’s all different now, involving midgets and candy? My experience was difference, but then we ran away to tie the knot. Her and her hubs have a connection, but Alex Vause gives not one single solitary fcuk, she’s distracted by the hitman she just killed, dismembered and buried amongst the sunflowers. She tries though! Morello is not appreciative. Hey Lolly!

Daya and Maria are getting into it in the kitchen, Daya calling the Dominicans “plantain-eating bitches” but Maria defends her to Blanca, Daya’s just sad, her baby got taken. Blanca counters: being sad made her racist? And actually, I think depression DOES play a part! Aleida steps in with the Trump Defense: Daya ain’t racist, she’s just saying racist things. Soo much better. Some hilarious racist banter later, I see we’re staring down the barrel of a very confusing race war. I have zero experience with being able to tell Dominicans, Mexicans OR Puerto Ricans apart, and they can’t either. Do NOT get me started on Venezuelans! I know some awesome dudes from Chile?

Teenage Maria brought that dope back (don’t worry, it wasn’t in my cooch) to the Mexican drug dealer who dropped it, why is she defying her father who is at war with the Mexican gangs? Ahhhh, this is Yadriel (Ian Paola), her hottie bf who decided to not let their child see her any more two seasons ago. That was a visceral fcuking scene, man, I felt that in my wobblies. Awful. I didn’t see his face that well when he was being arrested, which is why I didn’t recognise him. He’s training at a boxing gym and motherhumper, he is FOINE!

He tries to take his drugs, she’s not giving them up that easy, yo! That cop was HANDSY! He can fight her for his shit! He reaches for her hair and she pastes him a good one, right on his gorgeous, Greek god-like face. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, he’s just like walking art. He likes her spunk, though.

They’re shooting the poop over beers later, talking about the future. She wants to be a dental hygienist. He wants gas stations. He doesn’t talk much, but explains that when he was a kid, they moved all the time, but at least you could get snacks, you know? Then the kissing!

Crystal (Tanya Wright) is there to see Caputo, yay!! I knew that was why Gloria got word to Michael. Sophia’s wife is NOT to be messed with. He says Sophia assaulted inmates and even intimates that Crystal doesn’t know her wife any more, PFFT, screw you, Caputo. Does he believe in God? I believe he will shortly.

Red’s exhausted; asking what Anita did when Rosa snored “like a spoon in the garbage disposal?” Mostly she just waited for Rosa to die, which is interesting…”Red! No!” says Sister Jane, always the buzzkill. “But she’d be so quiet if she were dead!” SJ has an idea, though, does Uvula sleep on her back? “Like a starfish in the sun” is STILL making me laugh. The naked nun with the tennis balls sewn into her discarded nightie is no help to Red, though, no way to get Uvula onto her side without holding her there.

Hapakuka is eating alone, Piper comes over to apologize. And explain how much of a big deal she is and even offering Hapakuka a job! No g-string buttfloss for our shrinking violet, though.

Yoga Jones is NOT enjoying her time with Chatty Cathy Judy King, who’s learning Italian in advance of her trip to find large sausages in Firenze. Yoga doesn’t like being in the top 1%, doesn’t like the hypocrisy of being chosen for being white and non-threatening. And she REALLY doesn’t like Judy King.

Caputo’s in his own Come to Jeebus meeting about “Glitchfield”, they don’t want to fcuk up “this glorious deal” of 30 grand a head from the federal government: good LORD. Oh it gets BETTER. They’re brainstorming about how to get quality COs, Linda (Beth Dover) has an idea to hire veterans! Even with all their shootiness, sigh, I don’t think I can put any of this down. It’s just too. On purpose. ANYWAY, the point is that Caputo and Linda will be banging, if they aren’t banging already.

Aleida is calling Jasmina, who has really bad news?

Maritza and Flaca are talking in line, Flaca’s worried about her ma, but they take a minute from that to make fun of ‘Tucky, who’s checking on Maritza. She’s trying to use coded words like “ice cream” and “ducks” but that just has them thinking she’s brain-damaged from the crash into the wall.

Blanca’s trying to get up the stairs, but the two white inmates she bullied in the TV room are giving it back to her in the stairwell. They push her down a flight just as Maria and two of the Dominicans come out. The white girls run, the two Dominican prisoners start after them, to be stopped by Maria. This isn’t how they’re gonna play this. You don’t rush in without a plan.

Teenaged Maria is fighting with her dad about her new boyfriend, she doesn’t understand how he can be so mad at her dating a Mexican when they’re all doing the same thing! She doesn’t even want to be a Dominican any more! He kicks her out on the curb, where she sees Yadriel waiting.

Tova’s explaining about soulmates to Suzanne, of course she has a soul mate! Everyone has a soul mate. I myself didn’t believe in soul mates until I met mine, I thought it was all some Stepmom movie bullshite. Suzanne just hopes hers speaks English.

Tova finds a soda on her windowsill (that she just threw all of Allison’s stuff off of), and she COULD do some sleuthing to find out where it came from, as Suzanne suggests, but instead twists the top and is sprayed with it’s foamy delights. Oh it’s on.

Daya hears her ma crying, what Aleida found out earlier from Jasmina is that Cesar has gone up for Conspiracy and two counts of assaulting an officer, so there is no way he will skate like usual. What are they going to do? Daya comforts her, stop crying, “crying makes you ugly and weak, remember?” This is mothering advice from Aleida.

HAHAHAHA Red’s tied sardine cans to Uvula’s back; causing her to be hella uncomfortable, making her roll off the bunk directly onto her face. I’m sorry, that doesn’t sound funny, but it really LOOKED funny HAHAHAHA, Uvula’s off to Medical and Red’s finally sleeping.

The next day, the white girl from the TV room is snatched by Maria and her new henchman, beaten behind closed doors with no idea who did anything.

Taystee’s mopping floors by Judy’s room to hear opera music and see Yoga doing, er, yoga, watching in disbelief.

Caputo’s investing in a swanky new suit, being sold by a nervous young saleslady, no idea what the point of that was.

A couple of women are looking the worse for wear in the lunch room, I don’t know if it’s because they’re white? SoSo and Poussey think it’s the overcrowding, but Poussey’s there to take care of Brook! Who’s technically smaller than SoSo, but she’s got heart. Lots of heart. I hope they do more with Poussey this year than last, she pretty much just dog-paddled all last season. Givver something to do!

Ahhhh, I misunderstood, Piper hired Hapakuka as her bodyguard, NOT as a ginch-wearer. Of course, Hapakuka is big. I mean. Sigh. Anyway, Hap’s still giving her shit, clearing a seat for Piper, sure, but making her get her own lunch. Secret Service doesn’t serve lunch, too busy plowing Colombian hookahs I guess? What?

Maria approaches Blanca in the yard while she’s playing a game with the other Dominicans from the TV room (my kingdom for a name! A recognisable headshot in IMdB!); let’s see how they do together, hey? And it’s on.

And we oot! Cheers, Litches, see you next time!