Wow, it’s been a minute, hasn’t it? I’m behind! I’m worried about this season, maybe that’s why I’ve been dragging my feet a wee bit, but no more, let’s dive into Orange is the New Black S4:E4 Doctor Psycho after the break!

I really WANT to like the theme song…I enjoy looking at the face parts, though!

We’re past credits into CO Dumaine (Esau Pritchett) rolling trays through Seg while kites fly all over the place behind him. Ohhhh Sophia. FINALLY. I was SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU!! With good cause, I see, still with blood on her nose and looking like she’s not eating or sleeping, ah lady. I will hate Aleida with my dying breath for what she did to you.

She tries to talk to CO Dumaine: what day is it? It’s Michael’s birthday soon, maybe it’s passed, what day is it?? He won’t talk to her at all, even though she’s supposedly in Seg for her protection, not because she did anything wrong. All of this is so wrong and unfair.

Sophia doesn’t eat the food, though, she dumps it in the toilet and throws her handtowel on top to plug it up. She would really like out of that cell.

Octopus-Neck Frieda has slept on it, done some breathing exercises and still wants to kill Lolly. She rebuffs Sensitive Sally Alex, she’ll do it herself, fanks. “You ever hear of oleander?” I have! But only because of the book White Oleander by Janet Fitch.

Luschek is playing a weird table game with Judy King (I can’t just type Judy and I DON’T KNOW WHY!!) “Suffering Sappho!” which is from Wonder Woman apparently and if that’s true: bravo WW. Slow claps all around.  Maybe it’s because WW creator William Molton Marsden had two wives and liked bondage. I would like to check out her suppositions in the new Wonder Woman movie, see how they work in cages and being bound and shite, but I refuse to give DCEU one more cent of my money until they shitcan Zack Snyder. Or whoever is responsible for the travesty that was Batman vs Superman. I’ve never felt angry 5 minutes into a film before and I’m not doing it again, you hosers. It makes me so sad, because I’ve waited for a WW movie for YEARS.

Healy is incensed to see Judy King consorting with the rabble, but before he can go “rescue” her, he’s approached by Zirconia and two others: they need stuff like deodorant, but not the spray stuff, that’s bad for the environment (now THAT brings up a fun digression: roll on by if you’d like me to STICK TO THE POINT, TTM!! When I was in high school – Grad ’90, whut whut! – the environmental scare of the day was CFCs. You remember, the hole in the ozone layer! We were all going to be burned alive if we didn’t stop spraying AquaNet onto our hairs, the earth was going to DIE. Do you know what the status is of that ozone layer hole? It sealed itself up. Mother Earth knows what’s up.) and other things they’d like to buy from the commissary, but oh: they don’t have jobs. I know the point is that Healy is failing to manage the extry prisoners properly (his advice is to read a book, this to a women with a possible spider-bite skin rash), but people from the outside can put money in their commissaries, too, I’m just saying.

He makes it over to Luschek and Judy King’s table to be excluded, gently, walking away he hears Luschek refer to him as “Doctor Psycho.” “The one who hates women.” Technically I think Healy just hates lesbians and people of other races, but since at least half of those are women, Imma let it stand. Also, I’m pretty sure Luschek and Judy King were still talking about comic book characters, but Healy doesn’t know that.

We’re back with baby Healy with a scratch on his cheek talking to his dad; he was just defending his mama! She’s not “a lesbian who howls at the moon!” Well I bet she’d be a whole lot more interesting if she was, especially with a Dick Van Dyke haircut. What’s lesbianism? It’s a mental illness. I mean. You know they still treat it as such to this day? I promise I won’t scream, but this is one of the reasons I cannot take religion. Do you; just stop using books intended for good to do bad. See? No screaming!

It seems Healy’s mama really IS mentally ill, though, not just into women, she sees little green men and Roy Orbison coming out of the walls and such, but I bet that’s just an excuse and the whole Into Women Thing is the problem. They’re there to pick her up from the hospital; she looks as though she’s been lobotomized.

Piper’s come to see Maria, who’s with Blanca who wants to know why Fruit of the Loom never tried to hire her? Piper got most of that (doubt it) and she’d be happy to talk terms. Blanca barks like a dog and leaves, while Piper motions Maria into the corner.

What follows is the first thing I’ve seen this season from Piper that doesn’t make me wanna stab myself in the eyeballs. It’s as though her and Maria are on two totally different shows (like brothers Jean and Martin Bastiere on Spotless! GO WATCH), she’s incredulous when she realizes Maria is planning to move into her dirty panty territory, advising her of the risks and things that have to be maintained and Maria just flexes and glowers like a proper gang boss. It’s the first time I’ve liked Piper and let us never speak of it again.

Alex walks right by here, on her way to see Red: can Red keep a secret? Red LOVES secrets!

Aleida is meeting with her lawyer(?); she’s not had a single shot against her in two years, let’s talk early release.

Maybe there is someone who can take care of Daya’s baby after all! Get out, gramma!

Red does NOT love Alex’s secret, this is a secret that FCUKS everyone! Why has she brought this “flaming bag of dogshit to her door?” She needs Red’s help, though. Frieda wants to kill Lolly and Red knows how to talk to Frieda so…work your Frieda-whispering magic, Red! Red knows all about the oleander, Frieda’s been DYING to use them!

Taystee’s making TAYSTEE labels and calling the library from Jefferson…Chemical, their internet is broken and maybe they could look up some important things for them? Say, like, if Beyonce is really getting divorced? Healy walks in before we find out, come on! Is it happening or not?? Who’s Becky with the good hair anyway?

He wants to see Caputo but Taystee flexes her wee administrative muscles and wrangles 3 boxes of Good and Plenty before allowing access. Holy shite, SideBoob Caputo has almost a dozen plants in there, his succulents are doing great!

Healy’s come up with a plan to keep Judy King away from unsavory types like Luschek, cooking classes! El Caputano isn’t as sure, where will the food come from? And is it really a good idea to arm the inmates? He comes around, though, it’s something for the inmates to do and boredom is almost the worst thing there is in prison. It’s like the suburbs, leads to all KINDS of shenanigans.

We’re back with baby Healy and his fixed mama, she’s up in the middle of the night making breakfast and she forgot he’s allergic to eggs. She wants to stop treatment, and I sincerely hope that’s not how we’re supposed to talk to our male children, because it looks creepy AF. He doesn’t want her hearing angels again and being all crazy, he likes it when she’s calm. They hear the sprinkler start up and as she goes outside to shut it off, I’m betting 50 / 50 on running away or suicide for mama. It looks like running away, phew. It used to be a really difficult thing to be a woman in this world, and as tough as it is now, at least men aren’t physically beating us on the way to polling stations.

Ouija with the “cheeky cheeks” is sneaking another massive ball of panty scraps out of the workroom watched by Piper, who follows her to the porta potties. Piper’s looking for her stash but only finds a few joints hidden under the rim of the toilet and freaks out, wiping shit all over her pants. I’d like to be grossed out, but I saw a man throw up pills in front of me, then EAT THEM AGAIN on Mr. Robot last week, so you’re going to have to try a little harder, ladies.

She comes out to see Ouija flipping her off; Piper is the worst gangsta EVER.

Red knocks Frieda’s coffee out of her hands, come on, Red, you think she’d walk around with a cup of death juice in the yard? And something about Rasputin’s schlong being a sea cucumber? I dunno, most of what I know about Rasputin I got from Boney M.

Frieda licks her own cup: “TRUST ME!” She’d be a lot less conspicuous, honestly. Red plays on her fear of returning to Max and we watch Lolly be Lolly for a bit (there’s a missile with “Ramona” onnit? And it’s referenced in the Patriot Act?), she is a problem. And she will have to be dealt with.

Healy’s called Judy King into his office; he has some good news for her! He’s arranged for her to lead a cooking class and her response tells me he didn’t run this by her. She declines, she’d like to learn a new trade but he does not accept that, doesn’t she want to give back? She goes on to list all her volunteering and scholarship fund information, can’t she have a respite? This is what MCC has decided that’s best for her and that is that. Wouldn’t it be crazy if she couldn’t cook after all?

We see Younger Grecian Formula Healy on a date later, ohhhh, it went poorly because he’s her therapist / social worker and it felt wrong to her. Um. I guess. Walking home later, he sees his mother on a step, she’s homeless and looks to be still listening to the angels.

Taystee’s back from her hard job stealing office supplies at work, she sounds like every admin assistant everywhere! Especially the part about filling out an order form for order forms: I was an admin for years until I retired to wipe smaller, cuter bums, you ladies know what I’m talking about. EA Represent!

Did the library answer Suzanne’s questions though?? We want to know! Do dragons have feathers like dinosaurs or do they have scales like Gorgons?? The library doesn’t know. We are disappoint.

Tova / Black Cindy comes up; Taystee has power now, huh? She’s the Ear of the Warden but she doesn’t wanna get involved in Tova / Black Cindy’s Middle Eastern bullllshite but that’s not how it works! That’s how they be getting’ ahead, like Obama (change!). “He got to be President, so now the rest of us get to be” “In prison” oh but wait, Taystee has news about Judy King! Where’s Poussey??

Poussey’s over discussing “lucid dreaming” with Brook, zzzzzz. I lucid dreamed Brook SoSo was shipped to another prison right then, man she’s annoying. Have they even kissed yet? Brook likes to control EVERYTHING, I mean, dreams even? But Poussey likes it when she loses control, like when P does this…and then this…they’re supposed to be banging, but STILL NO CHEMISTRY.

Caputo’s found one of the kites in Seg, got a problem with them? I wouldn’t say it’s a problem, looks like they’re getting around just fine! Sophia’s not just plugging her toilet, though; she’s flooding her cell, flushing over and over. Caputo LIES to Sophia, saying he’s talked to Crystal and she agrees with him but that’s not true. Sophia takes her top off and stuffs that in the toilet too, more flushing ensues. When the hell are they gonna get her out of there??

Caputo is getting all psychological in his manipulation, he used to be basically a good guy who actually looked out for the inmates and knew and managed risks. He’s evolving into someone getting better at the system, but it’s sure not good for the women.

He calls over CO Schmuck-A-Fcuk to have Sophia moved to another cell, she’ll get hypothermia in the wet with no shirt.

Alex has insomnia and is trying to talk Piper into the bathroom in the middle of the night for a booty call, but Piper wants to talk first and that RUINS it for Alex. This is why I didn’t think it was a weird segue in Mr. Robot when the Fibbie was reefing on her nether regions in the middle of the night; sex is just one of those things that can help insomniacs. Better than warm milk even!

Yoga Jones is mad about entitled Judy King getting to teach a class, and NO, it’s not at all like her yoga classes! That’s for the masses! I laughed out loud when Anita reminded her that yoga is only for rich, white people but then felt ashamed when Yoga shouted at us about the 5000 Indian people who ALSO do it daily. My bad. She’s working through some issues.

Now we’re on to the question as old as millennia with Poussey and gang: is Judy King a racist or just southern? That doesn’t get answered right away; Watson’s brought Black Cindy’s nemesis Alison to the table and you can almost HEAR the record scratch. It’s not Bring Your Stranger to Work Day! It goes about as well as you would expect.

Over at the White MethHead Table, Leanne and Angie are discussing celeb life when CO Dixon (Mike Houston) tells them their breakfast shift is over, forks down ladies! Some haven’t even eaten; Ramos’s arse gets flat when she doesn’t eat!

Mendoza’s after Aleida, why she scrubbing that pan so much? Does it have anything to do with that meeting she had? That’s right, she’s “Columbo, but with two real eyes and a better ass.” HAHAHAHAHA

Mendoza’s incredulous, how could Aleida not know her date was coming up? But it’s early, sooo…congratulations? Or “confuckulations,” says Aleida, what’s she gonna do? She won’t get her kids without an apartment, she can’t get an apartment without a job and the only thing she’s qualified for is packing heroin and screwing those that pack heroin.  That seems like a job skill set that could use a little diversifying: how are you on crack cocaine, you psycho betch?

This is when you start working the system, mama, says Gloria, this is when you work! Now you have a goal, you know people with jobs, you know people with apartments, get on it! And finish that pan, she’s got a life too, pendeja.

Ouija calls out Hapakuka, who’s been lurking and following her everywhere, but she and I are surprised by what happens next. Piper’s making a move, sending (for the record, she’s a pacifist) Hapakuka to steal the ball of fabric off of Ouija, hmm, I wonder how that will play out. I like Hapakuka a hell of a lot more than Piper; I hope she doesn’t get jumped by the Dominican gang. Those women do NOT play around. Not a pacifist in the bunch.

Donuts and Gerber are stunned at how many inmates there are; they could totally take over if they realized how outnumbered the guards are. Thank bob the new guards are trained in combat, but that just frightens Donuts and Gerber. Pennsatucky comes in and Donuts lights up, so she carefully backs up and leaves.

I am still so confused by that particular storyline and I hope they elucidate soon. Donuts raped ‘Tucky. Violently. Not in a “fun” “rough sex” way favoured by select Canadian ex-djs or “I thought you meant yes when you said ‘NO GET OFF ME’” kinda way, but straight up violent rape. I did not see any ambiguity and how he thinks they’re still romantically involved is beyond me. I have faith in this show to not fcuk up rape, though, so I’ll shut up. For now.

This is Food For Thought with Judy King, yay! Poussey is so excited! It goes well and Healy grins in the corner as Poussey assists and they make Cornbread, Manila style. Huh.

We’re back with Grecian Formula Healy on another date, oh, no, sorry, he’s taken his mom out for coffee. He apologizes for not being there for her and oh. She’s not his mom. She’s someone named Ellen, but he wants her to stay anyway. She starts to freak out about getting back to her blanket but Healy just wants someone to stay. ANYONE. Poor Healy, he’s just so damn lonely and he means well, when he’s not being a racist, classist bag o’ dicks.

Donuts’s tracked ‘Tucky down, is she avoiding him or something? He presses and she finally asks if he’s having sex with Ramos. He thinks he’s got it sorted now: she’s jealous! But no, ‘Tucky just wants to know if he’s rapin’ her too and you can see the dawn of everything in his eyes. But. He told her he loved her, while he was doing it, so that makes it…different. I see he’s gone with Classic Rape Defense #8: You Can’t Rape Someone If You Tell Them You Love Them During, which is slightly more popular than. No I can’t even, I can’t joke about it and ‘Tucky’s done too. It didn’t feel…different and she walks out.

One minute.

Red has called a summit with Lolly, Frieda and Alex: all three need to communicate better and they are operating out of fear. Lolly does her usual paranoid schtick; there is a bunker in Las Vegas full of men controlling the drone above the drone in the garden and something about privatized prisons and Julian Assange and it’s just what Red needs: she agrees with Frieda. Lolly must die.

Healy is contentedly cleaning up after Food For Thought when Caputo comes in with the bad news: Judy King has asked that he be removed as her counselor. Healy is flabbergasted that Caputo is gonna let her do that: she’s an inmate. And he doesn’t have power issues, and he doesn’t make her uncomfortable; that’s “just how women talk.” This is what I get for feeling sorry for him! Caputo drives the knife in a little deeper; another counselor will be taking over the class, congrats on the great idea! Best attendance ever!

Aleida’s finally decided to tell Daya about her upcoming release, woot, she’s going after wee Armaria! Probably to fcuk her up, but at least it’s not foster care and Cesar.

Ramos and Flaca are quitting Piper’s prison panty bidness, guess who they’re working for now? No, guess?? Maria’s giving them slipper socks! Have you seen The Ref with Denis Leary and Kevin Spacey? You’ll see why. Hapakuka half-heartedly offers to pull someone’s hair, or give them a “mean Indian burn” but nah, Piper has this. She goes over to yell at Maria, who is seriously, The Godfather to Piper’s yapping chihuahua, I mean. Maria is business and Piper has no idea that her whining isn’t even scratching the surface.

Lolly is REALLY freaking out now and I agree with Piscatella (for about 10 seconds) when he tells the guards watching and laughing (like women and that’s when he lost me) that she’s having a psychotic break and needs to be in Psych. Alex tries to calm Lolly down, but it’s too late.

Sophia’s done with her flooding, she’s moved on to fire, setting her bedding alight and the smoke will kill her! Everyone gets hustled out and we see Nicky!!!!!! We haven’t seen Nicky (Natasha Lyonne) at all this year either! Hay gurl, hay!

Lolly’s completely losing it now, screaming about being electrocuted while being dragged through the halls but Healy thinks this is his chance to rescue yet another woman that he has no idea how to help. She needs to talk to a certified counselor! I’d say she needs anti-psychotic meds, but then, I’m not a doctor either. She manages to be lucid enough to explain the murder and dismemberment of Toothpick, but it’s mixed in with all the other shite so it gets a pass. He thinks she might be suffering from delusions and I don’t know if I’ve heard a bigger understatement on this show? Lemme think onnit.

Healy tries, really tries and I have to wonder if he’s still trying to help out his mama. He manages to set Lolly’s mind at ease, she didn’t kill anyone and he’s gonna get a treatment plan started for her. He is there to help.

Alex snags Lolly right after, WHAT DID YOU SAY??  Nothing, no my bad, I thought I, we, killed someone but we didn’t blah something Aydin hologram blah. Line of the night: Great counseling here. I am continually impressed.” And we’re oot to Healy smugsmiling at Alex. Hey, whatever works and keeps you from having to kill Lolly, Vause! Take it! Until next time!