Wow, it’s been a WHILE, huh? Sorry, I got busy with…not recapping this show. I thought the last episode was ACTUALLY a Piece of Sh*t, so it took me ages to get back to it. Without further ado, rolling Orange is the New Black S4:E7 It Sounded Nicer in My Head!
Chapman (Taylor Schilling) is trying to practice good oral hygiene but Sankey (Kelly Carbacz) wants to Trump it up in jail, make it official. She has a relative in the Aryan Brotherhood, let’s sing it “we’re white and proud” loud! Blanca (Laura Gomes) comes by for a listen and gets walked out by the Aryans while Hapakuka (Jolene Purdy) asks: what about me??
Hey, Nicki (Natasha Lyonne) has made it out of Max after all! Go Judy King! Lolly (Lori Petty) is there to meet her and gives an accurate rundown of what’s going on, but Nicki just doesn’t get it. I had to gif this because I feel like this is one I can use a LOT
Woo hoo, Lolly backstory time! Young Lolly (Christina Brucato – GREAT casting!) used to be a reporter. Guess what kind of things she reported on? NO, GUESS??? Conspiracy theories and an expose or two, woot! That’s when the voices started.
Taystee (Danielle Brooks) is counseling her crew: they need to get a GOOD picture of Judy King (Blair Brown)! Not a fuzzy butt shot in the hallway, but Judy teaching someone how to read or something. Get a picture that tells a story! Make it work! She peaces out while Suzanne (Uzo Aduba) and Cindy (Adrienne C. Moore) oooooh
Caputo (Nick Sandow) gets a call from his ladylove Linda from Purchasing (Beth Dover) who does NOT want to meet him in a truck stop private bathroom off Route 9, FANKS, but gives him a heads up that his education proposal is going to go ahead, just sliiiiightly altered. Not so much Arts and Humanities, more vocational training. He’s deflated, but still up for that bathroom halfway….STAHP.
Hey, one of the old guards is a crossing guard now!
Nicki is so excited to see Chapman! Too bad she’s already maxed out her hug limits for the day; Dixon (Mike Houston) won’t even CONSIDER a cunnilingus quota, so smiling and talking it is! Chapman introduces her Aryan henchwomen: we have Brandy (Asia Kate Dillon -that’s a name!!), Sankey we’ve met, and of course Skinhead Helen (Francesca Curran) with all the neck tats. I love it when I get names!
Awww and Red (Kate Mulgrew – great book!) has just seen Nicki! That’s her baby bird back in the barbed-wire nest!
We are back in the past with the FANTASTICALLY casted Young Lolly (seriously so good), who has been brought to a…halfway house for the insane? I would love to poke fun at third-person-talking Randall (Rob Sedgewick) and his support for Lolly’s conspiracy theories but a close family member was a paranoid schizophrenic and it wasn’t even a tiny bit hilarious. Lolly gets run oot (“Randall gets violent” advises Randall) and is in the wind!
Oh hey, here’s Judy now! Yoga Jones (Candace Shulman) is feeling more friendly than usual and sits with her a moment. Why does Judy look flustered? It’s not because her husband AND boyfriend came for a visit on the same day, I mean, the boyfriend has to drive anyway and that totally makes sense. A tape has surfaced of an old puppet show she did back in Charlotte, and Yoga and I are pretty sure where this is going….oh yes. Chiltin Joe and Watermelon Sam couldn’t be more racist if you dipped them in blackface.
Side note: WATCH THE 13TH ON NETFLIX!
Yoga clocks Suzanne’s skulking around outside the door, she hustles Judy off just as Cindy and Allison (Amanda Stephen) come in for their photo op. Some mis-communication later…Judy thinks she’s under attack by a gang of angry black people. I thought Yoga was more sensible than that.
Daya (Dascha Polanca) can’t believe her mom Aleida (Elizabeth Rodriguez) didn’t bother to finish her GED, it’s like she’s not even trying to get their kids back! Aleida is struggling with the reality of having zero marketable skills, a felony conviction and no confidence to speak of, just bluster. She doesn’t know what she’s good at. Gloria (Selenis Leyva) cheers her up: don’t worry, you’re still a ruthless b*tch!
The Aryan Sisterhood is working out in the yard, hey, Angie (Julie Lake) looks like me when I’m attempting a chinup!
Nicki wants to know what the FECK Chapman was thinking? Chapman’s actually right, she spent a lot of time working on this Panty Party and Maria Ruiz (Jessica Pimental) planned to just come in and snatch it away, what was she supposed to do? There was no way to know Maria was gonna get extra time for that contraband, right? She cries and I actually feel sorry for her, which is a good step. My therapist would give me a cookie even. It’s not what it looks like, she tells Nicki, but Nicki reminds her: sometimes what it looks like it all that people can see.
Awww, nobody told Chapman about Nicki’s Welcome Back party in the common room!
Judy’s just trying to get washed, but she’s being hunted by the trio of Cindy, Suzanne and Allison. Cindy gets a high five on camera, but it’s of Judy from behind, so I don’t know what good that would be. She turns and sees the camera and tries to leave, but Cindy follows her yelling and screaming, THAT’S a good photo!
Lolly’s been stealing tinfoil from the dumpster (and running like a antelope!); Piscatella (Brad William Henke) warns Healy (Michael Harney) to keep his “pet nut on a leash” or he’ll send her to Psych.
PLEASE. For the love of all that is holy, SEND THIS WOMAN TO PSYCH!
Healy thinks he’s got this, it’s just a bad day, right Lolly? She is so fragile and perfect in this role. Sometimes you see a unicorn
We’re back in the past with Lolly but this time it’s Lori Petty. She was so happy; she was homeless but she found a way to deal with the voices and she had respect and a place and her coffee looks great. I wish that for all people who have to deal. It wasn’t to last long, though, a plan to build luxury condos right in their space was in the works.
Nicki points out something I’d been wondering about but kept forgetting to ask: Big Boo (Lea DeLaria) isn’t so big these days, is she? She blames it on a parasite from the lake and then we get lots of handsiness from Morello (Yael Stone) to Nicki and ehhh pass. Stay out of the church, Morello, if you want things to not go the fisting route.
Red’s ecstatic to see her baby chick back, but she’s got baking all wrong. It’s about instructions and trust; Gloria knows what’s up. Caputo comes in to request that Yoga and Judy have their meals delivered to their rooms, ooooh, that was the sweetener that Yoga added when asking for a protective detail for Judy! Let’s just say that Red and Gloria do NOT understand why Sophia (Laverne Cox) got sent to the SHU for her protection and Judy King gets special meals in her massive room, but it might have something to do with
YOU HAVE TO WATCH THE 13TH ON NETFLIX
Morello’s laying out the Case of the Shower Pooper, there are fecal descriptions and scheduling explanations but Nicki doesn’t need to hear any of this: it’s someone bringing in drugs. Someone who’s getting drugs would have to swallow it in Visitation and then poop it out later and you don’t want to do that over the toilet because you could lose the drugs. It all makes perfect sense! Nicki’s a genius! How long until they’re banging, you figure?
Linda’s over to party, Joe’s proposal went through! Well, not EXACTLY his proposal, all of his core educational classes have been turned into construction courses like Foundation Pouring. It’s a chaingang, but Linda warns him not to call it that, they have to emphasize the educational aspects or they would have to pay the inmates their $0.11 an hour.
My heart sank just then and me and Caputo just stared dumbly at Linda for a full minute. How low do you have to be to screw people out of 11 fucking cents an hour??
Nicki’s party is in full swing when Healy and Lolly arrive, he seriously needs to stop treating her like his faux-mama and get that woman some help. I’d like to be angrier about it, but I just found out that they’re planning to fuck the inmates over on a huge scale and I can’t get any energy up for Healy and his momma issues.
We’re back seeing why Lolly ended up in the system, those voices aren’t a joke, yo. She requires medication, if you aren’t gonna give her a jangly stick to fight off the noises. Alex (Laura Prepon) and Red exchange looks in the present while Lolly loses her shite at the party.
Taystee checks with her camera crew, who have delivered a photo of Cindy chasing Judy looking like she’s about to beat her arse. Taystee doesn’t think they can use it, but right then the puppet show is shown on the news and yeah: that picture is PERFECT.
Aleida lifts something while she’s delivering Judy’s special meal to her room; what was that? Besides the cookies that she asks for and gets, but the point of the visit is for Judy to compliment Aleida on her nails. That’s it! Aleida has a purpose now: a nail salon! Go Aleida!
Like, go get Daya’s baby and then feck off again, you’re a horrible person, Aleida.
Nicki fills Gloria and Sister Jane (Beth Fowler) in about Sophia’s cell covered in blood; it is absolute BULLSHIT that we have BARELY seen Sophia this season! Come ON!
Lolly runs out and Red calms Alex down, the crazier Lolly acts, the less likely anyone will take her seriously. Red’s distracted by Nicki getting drugs from Angie the Shower Pooper. Chapman tries to cuddle up to Pennsatucky (Taryn Manning) and Big Boo, but as always: Big Boo has the best lines. I love ‘Tucky’s face here!
Healy finds Lolly in her special tinfoil-covered hiding spot, she didn’t want him to implicate him; that’s why she was keeping him in the dark. It might be a time machine, so she can go back in time to stop Jimmy Carter from starting FEMA. He counsels her to live in the moment but the voices are too strong.
Healy spent a lot of time in forts just like this when he was a kid, ah Healy. You can’t go back in time either and you need to actually help this woman.
Piper’s trying to explain herself to Gina (Abigail Savage) who don’t curr. Oh hey, here’s Hapakuka! Oh man, you just KNOW Hapakuka is working for Maria! How dumb is Chapman??
Don’t answer that
Hapakuka gets Chapman outside alone in the hallway, she’s thought over what Piper said and she was right. She does have to be pragmatic. Hapakuka’s rooting for her right back.
Maria and her gang drag Piper off, nobody can hear her screaming over “Dancing On My Own” by Robyn (I LOVE THAT SONG!) while Hapakuka tries to makes peace with what she’s done.
Piper is smacked around a bit but that’s not the main event. She’s dragged to the stove where they’re heating up an iron. Maria tells Piper she’s gonna be marked like a real gang member and we see Piper being branded on the forearm with the first part of a swastika
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh
And we’re out.
Holy shite, Chapman is in so much deeper than she should have been, what was she thinking? Going up against Maria, who clearly has so much more experience as a Top Dog. I can’t take Maria’s complaining about Chapman making her into a big bad gang girl seriously, since nobody made her try to take over Chapman’s business. God. That was a tough one, you guys, I feel like an ahole for even saying that, since I bet shite like this actually happens everywhere, but so many bad situations, so little hope. Until next time, you guys.
