Hello there and welcome back from Ibiza via the Dominican Republic on Ordinary Lies, let’s find out what happened to Dave, yes?

Marianne (Manjinder Virk) WAS going to tell Beth (Jo Joyner) but chickened out at the last minute, running away out of the dealership.

Kathy (Sally Lindsay) tries to get to the bottom of it, but Beth isn’t sharing to Mike’s Eyes and Ears anyway. Rick (Shazad Latif) comes and eggs at her a bit, wouldn’t he about fall over if she WAS having a sex party that weekend? All he ever does is shit-talk his wife, I bet he adores her and washes her feet in rose-scented bathwater at home, you’ll see.

We getta see Kathy’s fun weekend, her hubs Ralf (Tony Maudsley) seems like a fun sort, setting up a bouncy castle and making her have a go. They talk about her 40th birthday coming up (NO PARTY) and go for walks, it’s all very content for a Friday.

She heads into town Saturday to meet Eleanor, she looks so NERVOUS! Ohhh because Eleanor is commonly known as Niall (Edward MacLiam); he’s as nervous as she is!

He’s adorable and has a big…laptop bag. Kathy lays everything out for him very clearly: she’s not looking for a love, a new partner, she’s not a homewrecker and that’s not what they’re here for. Up to the room!

It’s very awkward up there, but they make a go of it, such a lovely scene of her getting ready to have someone see her naked. You can almost see the bile rising, the fear, the adrenaline pumping, she’s terrified. And very beautiful.

They make it through, he attempts some small talk and it veers into history. How long has she been doing without intimacy? He’s done three years, finally she blurts out: six. Six years without sex with her husband. Damn. Will they see each other again? Bet your arse.

Kathy’s got her hair up back at work, the usual palaver and carrying on, but Jase (George Bukhari) is wearing foundation for why? He got a shiner? At RUGBY? I like my men big but no way is he playing rugby.

Tracy (Michelle Keegan) fills Mike (Max Beesley) in on the Ibiza sitch; he orders Kathy to tell everyone they’ll be fired for talking to the press. Kathy snides back, then braces Tracy: WASN’T she involved?

After a quick wrangle between Kathy and Beth about just how sick Marianne may or may not be, I’m starting to think Kathy’s a bit of a cow, yes?

She’s having a good time at the hotel, though! Another delightful afternoon and some questions. Niall asks where she’s supposed to be, clever Kathy started her alibi 6 months ago, inventing a work friend that she started hanging out with, just for when she eventually got around to doing this. This is solidly planned out; she’s organized her extra-martial affair as another would organize a divorce. Carefully and well-thought through.

But! Niall isn’t happy with his once-a-week nooky, no matter how clear Kathy has been: he snagged her phone number while she was in the bathroom and he’s called her at work. She hangs up, but he calls back and woos a smile out of her. Can they meet tonight? She refuses and wow, that’s quite the difference, isn’t it? All long sweaters and giant hair clips. She thinks for a minute

Then it’s back to the hotel for some steamy shower-sex; Niall’s starting to get worried about the cost of the hotel. Not that he wants her to share the cost, but that his wife will see the large amounts of money being withdrawn. He has an idea…he works for an estate agent, they could grab keys, wouldn’t it be kind of sexy…?

I don’t like how Kathy is being drawn further and further away from her original game plan of no personal sharing and discreet, anonymous pre-determined assignations. He’s pulling her along by saying how crazy she drives him; I bet there isn’t much he won’t be able to talk her into with that line.

Emma (Cat Simmons) and Jez (Chris Mochrie) are getting mawwied! Yes, mawwied! Kathy is enjoying the party until she sees Ralf pull up, ohhh, he owns the bouncy castles, that’s what he does! He’s dropping off invites to her 40th birthday party, which are poster-size pictures of her as a young girl (I mean), now he wants to meet Eleanor! She has to get quite firm to warn him away, he’s just having a laugh, Kathy. Jeez. Why can’t Ralf throw down? He just can’t. He had an illness and it never came back.

That night, she calls Niall from her car: she’ll meet him tomorrow at one of his houses for sale. Am I the only one concerned about CCTV? People have that these days! She doesn’t think she can do this; then they’re banging the wheels off the wrought iron bed.

He drops it and then starts to kiss his way down her body, which she enjoys until she hears noises. They look out the window, there’s a man next door being beaten by two other men. Kathy wants to call the police right away, taking pictures over the windowsill, but Niall knows he’ll lose his job and family if it’s traced back to him, so refuses.

They dress and he calls from a payphone, then insists that she delete the photos of the men in the yard. He gets hella aggressive with her, trying to grab the phone and using the Or Else voice tone, but she fudges deleting them and waits until he leaves.

She’s still so very worried about that man who was hurt and the fact that they could have stopped it. I am on Niall’s side (and not just because he has an adorable bum) here: it would have been very dangerous to expose themselves.

It’s Emma and Jez’s wedding day, time to look happy, Kathy! Grace (Rebecca Callard) recites part of “Trouble Me” from Ten Thousand Maniacs and I remember that song! Man I hate weddings. Kathy can’t take it any more either.

During the reception, Kathy drinks and watches everyone enjoy the wedding while she tries to get the images of the beaten man out of her head. She sees Mike and Beth checking their phones and smiling, getting that finally. How could she not have noticed that before? They’ve not exactly been discreet.

Kathy drinks and drinks and calls Niall and drinks and calls Niall and drrrrriiinks some more. Good lord it’s like watching my younger self; who else is cringing along with me?

He is not taking her calls.

Jason and his partner Hannah (Emily Boardman) catch her smashing her wine glass against the church; he’s got another mark on his face. Is he a victim of domestic violence?

Inside, Kathy is literally letting her hair down, rocking out on the dance floor with everyone while Tracy just watches. She goes outside to vomit, interrupting Mike and Beth making out, covering for them when Mike’s wife Alison (Belinda Stewart-Wilson) pops out looking for him.

Back at work, Kathy’s trying to find out about the man she saw beaten when Mike approacheth; no words at first but a summonses to the office in private.

Mike explains; his marriage is over but he can’t leave her because he loves his kids and his father-in-law owns 51% of the dealership. Look at all the reasons to not leave someone! He loves Beth, he would love to spent the rest of his life with her but it’s not in the cards right now. Sigh.

Staff meeting! Marty McLean (Jason Manford) is heading the sales board again, if all it takes is murdering a wife, everyone get on that!

Kathy finds a small article in the paper about a father clinging to life in Warrington; guess who’s changed his cell number? Well, luckily he was kind enough to show her where he worked, so

Second showing on the house in Warrington! She blackmails him into meeting her at 6 pm at the house, she needs to talk to him! She thinks they’re being punished for lying and cheating; she’s got the sheen of the zealot about her. She thinks they’ve got to make this right; he knows that would ruin their lives.

But

Is 6 years without sex really living, though?

At work Beth is getting romantic texts from Mike, of the “I can’t keep my eyes off you”, not the “take a picture of your vaginal canal for me” variety, awwww, but a glance at the family photo on her desk has her confused again. I wouldn’t worry too much about it, Beth, Mike will never leave Alison, you’ve got all the time in the world.

Side note: is it really okay to answer romantic texts like that with a “X”? And what does “X” mean, anyway? Is that kiss in that sense? This seems oddly important.

Beth’s heads straight for Marianne’s sister’s house, where she’s told Marianne is at the hospital. She pretends to leave then sneaks a gander through the letterbox, who DOES that?? She gets into a slapfight with Marianne’s sister (Perveen Hussain) but still doesn’t find anything out about her missing husband.

Kathy oversteps all KINDS of boundaries and goes to the hospital to check on the beaten man, jusssst slipping out before the victim’s wife pops in. She’s driving herself mental for no good reason, it’s not as though they could have realistically made a difference to that man being beaten, for real. She fakes listening at the pub while Ralf tells one bad joke after another.

He tries to comfort her later in bed, but he’s got the wrong end of the stick for sure

Kathy’s in the middle of crafting a fake police persona when Beth interrupts; everyone wants to give her a present for her 40th, can she give them any ideas? I MEAN. If you have to ask someone what they want for a present, you aren’t paying close enough attention to owe them a present, and just get them a bloody gift card, you wanker.

Beth takes a moment to bring up the other night, it wasn’t what it looked like, er, well, it WAS, but Kathy has had it up to HERE in infidelity! She’s steeped up to her eyebrows! Infidelity ruins lives she tells Beth, who doesn’t know that Kathy is talking about herself.

Ah Kathy isn’t impersonating a police officer but rather a Victim’s Services Worker and worked her way into a visit with Sally (Karen Bryson), the wife of the beaten man. It seems he borrowed a lot of money from the wrong people, the vig is nearly 8 times the original loan. Kathy only seems genuine when she hears that, gasping and hugging Sally. I knew she had some humanity in there! Now give the family the $6,000 and salve your conscience!

Or print off that photo and send it to the police, sure, that’s cheaper for sure. Or BOTH! I see a bankbook!

Marianne finally caves and calls Beth, she’s outside and wants to talk. She admits it: she loved Dave. She wanted him but he wasn’t interested. Oh but she didn’t just want him, she stalked him like a mofo and the very last night she made her move. He rejected her; did she kill him then? She was the last person to see him. She swears again: nothing ever happened. Me and Beth:

Kathy is back to her old self when she gets home; laughing with Ralf and walking her giant furry dog; is that a Newfoundlander?

She sneaks out in the middle of the night to drop the money through the mailbox at Sally’s house, Ralf notices she’s been gone a while. And now it’s her 40th, woot!

There are all kinds of fun things showing off her age, yay! Balloons on the lawn, life-sized cardboard cutouts in front of the dealership, she’s very understanding.

I didn’t mind turning 40, I just wish I hadn’t been so miserable about everything else. My age was the only thing good about that time! Onward and upward

Niall rings then, the police have gotten ’round to wanting to interview the estate agent who was showing the property adjacent; she’ll have to come back him up. She agrees on one condition: that he give the family $1,500 as she has done. Huh. Well, that’s HALF what they owe.

Walking out of the police station, Niall’s waffling on the dough, but oh ho, who’s this?! Sally’s there because the police have found some more information and Kathy is almost frantic trying to get away while Niall tries to figure out what’s going on.

You see, Niall? This is what happens when you try to scrimp on a hotel room. Booking.com

Kathy is shaken, arriving home to a house full of people and a birthday party she does not want. She drags Ralf off to the garage to explain the wrong way ’round. Once he gets wind, oh his face

He’s devastated, he can’t even hear her cries of “I did this for US!” He’s angry and hurt and emasculated and at the end of everything: GONE. She waits up late into the night, drinking and staring into the drive as he doesn’t come home.

It’s very late when he does show up, he wants to know every detail, especially the ones she doesn’t want to tell him. Don’t do it, man, it will drive you crazy! And then they need to sort out where to go from here, because he doesn’t want to lose her and he might not ever be able to give her what she needs. His face, ahhh Ralf and Kathy, you’ll be allright. This can’t be easy at all. And we’re out.

The police never did come, by the way, she thought they would because Sally and the copper escorting her were staring at her driving away, but nothing. It was an interesting turn for Kathy, who I don’t much like, but don’t actively dislike either. She just seems to have a sharp tongue and not much kindness for those around her, but she’s not stupid and I can live with that.

I’m impressed with Sally Lindsay, who took us through every single one of Kathy’s rampaging emotions seamlessly with nary a dropped wince. Bravo!

Until next time, you lot; I doubt we’ll find Dave, but we might find out if Jason’s girlfriend is hitting him. Cheers!