I heard about Party Down South the usual way, through The Soup, and they just started another season, so I figured: hey, why not?? I’ll give this CMT a shot, Bob knows I need something a little lighter after Mr. Bloody Fecking Robot (you never called my mind after you thoroughly messed with it, Sam Esmail!!), let’s see what it’s like!

This season, the partiers are in Savannah! Ooooh!! It’s Midnight for the Morons in the Garden of Good And Drunk! The cast thinks Savannah’s too Fancy, what with all their tea sippin with their pinkies out whut! They need funnels and beer shotgunning! Let’s meet them super fast, kay?

Thank you, CMT, for the completely unrecognisable pics. Looks like everyone but Daddy *herk* and Tiffany are fighting the beer bloat huh?

Mattie says she’s still single and she needs some…come on!! Then they show pigs trying to mount each other. I’m just not sure what she means?

Lyle says he’s taken, woo hoo! And I wonder who the lucky lady is that locked ALL THAT down. Someone named Santana who probably thinks she looks like Ana Nicole Smith in the Guess days, but really like someone with the last name Lynn in an 80s pron shoot.

Party montage! Beer bottle face smashing, random humping and a diaper minute with Daddy *herk* that I cannot find noweheres. Sad panda.

We open in Louisiana, and this is JUST like Jersey Shore! Full disclosure: I LOVED the first two or three seasons of JS,  so know right there my taste level. I couldn’t watch the last season or two, totes jumped the shark, but I did lurve JS so hard in the beginning.

Mattie is packing and single and ‘CITED about all of it! She’s really pretty in the way that club girls are: long shiny hair, fake lashes, bright eyes and pushed up bewbs.

She’s started yoga: it’s helping her centre herself. And calm down and shite. It’s also helping her deal with her family being sick, but? That doesn’t make any sense. I also thought she was Hannah, so Imma have to be on my toes.

Oop, my bad, Tiffany did NOT escape the beer bloat, she just got a lucky pic up there.

She has no chin but a pig sleeping on her porch, soooo? Evensies? She also has an off-again on-again boyfriend who wears a baseball cap, camo and designer jeans, like WHUT?? and of course his name is Bubba. Hey! Schwartzie from #PumpRules has your name tattooed on his bum!

He just wants her to be safe and not fight with Hannah or anyone else, she’s just hoping he comes and sees her for a little onshore drilling when he’s on leave from offshore drilling, ifyouknowwhatImean andIthinkyoudo.

Up rolls Lauren! Who is all single since she dropped her dbag boyfriend

And none of that is a good look. Nuh uh.

Off to Louise, Mississippi to meet Murray, who makes me so sad. He looks just like Uncle Buck, but is dumb as a sack of hammers. He and his mom laugh about his ambitious plan to hook up with “50 chicks” and I just bet his nice momma wouldn’t think that was so hilarious if that was a daughter.

He says he’s a gentleman, with his dollar menu ordering and ice adding to her water the next morning but I’m onto him. His pierced tongue says he IS a real gentleman and I approve. *winks* Uncle Buck, call me?

Hott Dogg has a stupid name, a juicer boyfriend named Cody and a history of messing with Daddy *herk*, so I’m guessing she is the JWoww of PDS. Said bf is also a live-in, and it’s only been 5 months, hmmm. Ahhhhhh look how cute her dog is!!!!!!!

I lurve Haven!!! Up rolls Daddy *herk* to pick her up, yayy says Cody. Daddy *herk*

Figures Hott Dogg is pretty much married, what with it being Facebook Official and adopting animals and all. Lyle is up next, saying goodbye to Santana who will be wedding planning while he’s gone. She says she can blow his duck call any time she pleases and I just love a southern accent and that charm. This is gonna be a fun show!

We pull up next to Merigold, Mississippi where they don’t know how to spell and Walt lives

They all look the same! Chubby, hairy, baseball capped and wearing shirts that hang oddly off their prodigious bellehs. He’s bringing his guitar becuz: ladies.

Tiffany and Lauren talk about “that bitch” Santana, who they say cheated on Boudreaux last time they went on vacay as a group. Nobody wants to tell him and good plan! Don’t pass on gossip to create dramuh! Wait, hold on ladies, check your contracts and get back to me.

They pull up at the Savannah house; it looks gorgeous! Murray and Walt are first, and they’re worried about all the windows: guess they’re gone have to put on britches sometimes! Oh man, dese accents doe.

Ryan and Hannah are next to The House of Love, Murray is excited because Hannah’s looking good, her “liftkit is still in place and she ain’t broke a swaybar or nothin’ yet” and… good? Walt just wants to know if the 17 funnels over Daddy’s *herk* shoulder are all he packed?

And Mattie’s home! Hannah and Mattie are great friends, but Mattie is more excited to see the hamburger phone. SO JERSEY SHORE. She says we can’t even see the bad in her out here! But I bet we’re bout to

They have animals!! Lookit the baby pig!!!!

Everyone asks about Tiffany and Hott Dogg, she reiterates what Tiff said: they’re all good. Last season was ROUGH, y’all. Just then Tiffany and Lauren, the sweetest peaches!! drive up. Mattie runs off to do something with her bed and Murray tells Hott Dogg to hold back, so she “can see her coming”. It’s ADORABLE how long it takes Hannah to work that out. Alcohol abuse is a fact and has real consequences, y’all.

As expected, Tiffany is SO EXCITED about the pigs!!

She’s gonna feed them, and love them, and nourish them and they are like, so lucky to have her. Up rolls Lyle and his duck call. Lyle was bugging me, now I’ve figured out who he reminds me of: Layton from Are You The One?!

Mattie is thinking Boudreaux is looking gooood, but he’s brought himself what Murray calls a hunch pillow that smells like Santana, for hunching on when he’s drunk and that description just made me sad to admit that I knew what Murray meant before he got all the way through it.

Boudreaux figures this house feels like South Carolina but Daddy *herk* corrects him; he says it’s like “South Carolina banged Athens: BOOMDIDITGO” . Everyone is ready for vacay shots, yay!

Daddy *herk* is ready to blow past third gear to seventh (huh?) and does a really complicated looking funnel bong that may or may not be a bicycle pump. Hott Dogg got Mattie a Cheeseburger costume, which makes her ECSTATIC and I am so glad I am not 20 any more.

Boudreaux is showing off his promise ring in the kitchen; he figures it will help him fend off all the women into chubby bearded reality stars. Good luck with that, those ladies are DETERMINED! To get on TV, that is.

Party time by the pool, Tiff’s calling it and Daddy’s *herk* throwing up in the pool. Poor Tiffany has my arse, we could Skype and commiserate some time. I don’t know what’s worse; Daddy *herk* throwing up in the pool, Mattie throwing up on the side as a result, or the shot of Daddy *herk* chewing leftovers after. I mean.

Daddy *herk* calls Mattie Martha and isn’t her dog Martha? Anyway, she calls him a name and I don’t get it. It’s bout to go off and I still don’t know what’s happening??!! Mattie pulls it in and she’s all self-aware and shite! She says it’s something she needs to deal with, Murray pops in to say they all deal together because they’re a family.

Daddy *herk* calls Mattie Martha AGAIN, in the middle of a funnel run and Daddy *herk* wants to party! He wakes up everyone saying “THIS AIN’T JV SQUAD!!” and Boudreaux comes up with a plan to tell him they’re all gonna go and get smellin’ good…and then nobody goes. He can’t find his shoes…and Mattie figures Martha will tell him. So all the fighting…yelling…was Mattie pretending. Um.

Ohhhh in the middle of the rant and Daddy *herk*trying to remember where his brain is, he calls Hott Dogg “side chick” and it is REALLY on. She MAD.  Mattie knows it’s gone too far and jumps on him to end the joke.

The next morning, Lauren is dismayed to find out that they STILL can’t use the pool; due to old HerkyDaddy there. Speaking of, Daddy *herk* had bad dreams and he’s still fully dressed in what he was planning to go to the bar in last night. He says he blacked out and that is not a good sign, brah. Slow it down on the bicycle pumps. This is a new reality for him; waking up and having to apologize, usually that’s Mattie / Martha!

Boudreaux calls the possibly-cheating Santana to ask if she needs money, she says nuh-uh, baby, she’s good. She started a new bartending job and everyone hit on her and it was AWESOME and this is not a good idea, Santana. When people are away, you don’t tell them about a bunch of shite that’s gonna upset them but they can’t do anything about.

A bit of history about Santana; she was friends with a guy named Brendan on Snapchat, who liked to send her pictures of his abs, well it WAS Brendan, until she changed his contact information to look like that of a female friend. That is Cheating 101, yo, and Boudreaux should be more concerned than he is. He wants to trust her, but that history is weighing on him. He should probably just stick to sharing that with us, instead of his female roommates, though. Especially since who he’s talking to is Lauren, who heard from lots of people that Santana had been messing with Brendan and is trying to figure out if she should tell or not? NO!

Everyone’s getting dressed up for their first night out in Savannah; woo hoo!! Off they roll to Social Club and everyone is so friendly! It’s also a Sausage Fest until a blonde accosts Walt to ask if he’s in a relashie: who opens the conversation like that??

They’re going elsewhere and Tiffany’s drunk arse is getting closer and closer to telling Boudreaux…who says he doesn’t need to be out in the club looking for tail to snatch back home and between him and Murray, I can see why these guys do so well with the ladies. Dat talk! Anyway, he’s got Santana on his mind and he wants to GO. They get in a cab to go home…let’s see if drunk Tiff spills the cheaty-beans. She does, and lays it out soooo clearly that even drunkness isn’t gonna be able to explain it away.

Season montage! Lemme see if I can get fancy like Veronica and insert a trailer!!

woo hoo!!!! Till next week!