Welcome back to Party Down South, hooligans! Everyone ready for some more girl on girl assault, southern-fried style?

We left Lauren, Tiffany and a bikini’d Santana throwing down in the living room; how on EARTH is Boudreaux gonna be able to move forward from this?? I mean, his fiancée isn’t going to want to have anything to do with him now that she’s been in this situation, and his friends can’t exactly apologize for all the whore talk.

The boys are just excited because Santana’s bikini bottoms got torn off and whatever, Walt, you saying “a p*ssy was out in the open” just made mine head for cover. Eeyuck.

Outside, Santana isn’t being held back, but Tiffany and Lauren are climbing the walls trying to get to her. Santana finally is baited enough and takes a run at Lauren: more nekkidness and Ryan is having the best night of his life.

Murray slept through it ALL. He wakes up in time to set up a safe haven in the boy’s room for Lyle and Santana and please, lord, when can I stop typing that stupid name?

Walt takes us out by playing guitar, Ryan is “singing” and Hannah is grooving. Morning! Murray humps couch cushions while Santana tries to call Brandon. Boudreaux wants answers, but Brandon isn’t picking up the phone. It’s interesting, though, the boys are talking in the next room about Boudreaux and Santana’s future; they think he would stay with her even if she did cheat and I would agree with that. Murray spouts off some shite about her feeling bad and never gonna do it again and I would disagree with most of that. She’s STILL manipulating Lyle, and still in contact with dude. However, human relationships are complicated and it would be a mistake to assume we know what any other person needs. I can’t figure out what I need myself most of the time.

And the phone rings…but it’s Macy. Not the cool but crazy one, Santana’s friend that says Santana was never ever even alone with Brandon, swearsies. Well, of COURSE she’s gonna say that. I mean. Walking through the house, Santana spits in the girls’ room and come ON.

Ryan hurt his ankle the other day, jumping off the bar, and Murray wants him to see a doctor. It’s also the first day of their pretend jobs, so Lyle, Hannah and Lauren are all working together for a whole 3 hours and I’m sure that will be fine. Tiffany lost a BUNCH of hair on the right side and interviews that hindsight has taught her that she shouldn’t have been in the fight in the first place, but she just wanted the best for Boudreaux. You know everyone thinks that Tiffany figures she’s the best for Lyle, huh?

Silent drive to work, followed by them being released, no work when it’s raining! Get OOT, they don’t have to pretend to work for 3 hours??

The drive back is not so quiet; Lauren says she’s known Santana for years and she ain’t GOOD. Lots of back and forth and now Lyle believes them again. My goodness. If I was Santana I’d be mad too. Tiffany comes to comfort a crying Lyle and I forget these people are actually good friends. The boys are right, Lyle does know that she cheated (CAN WE LEAVE THIS SOON?? IMMA SCREW BRANDON SOON IF WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING OVER MUDFEST!!) and he knows people whose wives have cheated and they worked it out and it’s all fine! That’s what he wants. Just stop talking about it, he wants to sweep it under his own damn carpet!

Ryan got a boot cast; he wants to know how he’s supposed to go “Daddy *herk* hard ” with a boot on: it’s like walking birth control! I sincerely hope right now that he is using ACTUAL birth control, full stop.

Bar time! Hannah’s wearing panties for a special occasion! Mattie is gonna go hard, shaking her bum at the camera shouting “if you don’t want to take that home, I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Georgia Peaches!!” and once again, I must call bullshit. Have we seen Mattie lately? Maybe not. Here she is, I hope the poor thing manages to scrounge up a pity lay

She has a whistle, for waving boys over and punishing them for party fouls like traveling… to her vagina. Line dancing and shots time! Mattie says she loves this bar Saddlebags, she could use a good ride. Yeah, I bet she just never gets any attention

She’s starting to remind me of the brothers in Night at the Roxbury and if she asks anyone if they wanna see a mirror in her pocket, I’m bailing. Full stop.

Ryan has “trim all over him”, thanks, Murray! Mattie manages to find two boys to take back to the hot tub, but she ain’t trying to be an over-achiever. The friend just won’t leave Mattie and her pre-pubescent date, so Tiffany is trying to be a good wingwoman and calls him over.

Mattie gets cold feet and starts doing laundry, which still seems more interesting than DJ, who is cute but half asleep and bored AF looking. The boys spend the night and Mattie calls them a cab in the morning. Awww good job, girl.

Walt is talking to Lyle, everyone really likes this kid, and every single one of them thinks Santana is using him. He calls her, but the problem is that the seed is planted already. He can’t get it out of his head. It doesn’t matter, though, he’s gonna stay with her and he doesn’t wanna talk about it again while he is here. None of that is a surprise. Now we can stop talking about it??

The girls plus Lyle leave and it’s Prank Time! I mean. I’m trying to fake enthusiasm for this tahred hooey but I can always tell when someone isn’t pulling my hair in the right way. They’re blending up something stinky to hide in rooms (Murray figures it will make Lauren homesick)

and I saw Murray’s buttcrack and it was not okay. Not.okay.

The ladies plus Lyle are at the crab shack; Mattie is thinking about calling DJ back again but she’s worried he gave her the wrong number. Oh yeah, that guy gave this girl

a wrong number. I mean, look at this troll! She’s like that friend that would stomp around, all size zero of her, wearing a sneeze and a smile saying “oh my gawwww, I can’t even go out because I’m so faaaaaattttt” while us ACTUALLY fat girls fantasized about choking her with a clothes hanger.

She calls him, he’s down but doesn’t jump up and down, if you know what I mean, and Mattie has the line of the night: *deadpan* “don’t make me chase you. I don’t even chase my tequila”. BOOM. They’re going out and they had two hours to get ready and Mattie says “this is why I hate rushing!” and Murray rolls his eyes while shouting “You’re not rushing, you had two hours!”

DJ isn’t there, but there are a few creepers having around her and she’s getting madder and madder, as foretold in every single second and then mostly mortified. She invited him somewhere, he never showed and I feel bad for her but two things:

1. It was a one night stand, guuurl, let it go
2. This is what men go through every single time they ask a woman out. I mean

Anyway, back at the house, DJ calls. At 3 am. I can’t IMAGINE what he’s calling for, you? Mattie accidentally hangs up on him so we never do get to figure out that exact conundrum. Until next week, and there had better be more Murray is all I’m saying. We oot!