So things are finally (somewhat) settled in Savannah while we Party Down South, let’s see what kind of shenanigans the gang can get up to now! Spoilers behind the break.

So last week we watched the remainder of the Santana Saga, with some more fisticuffs and Lyle deciding to stay with her regardless. I think he just wanted to ignore it, but all these girls kept yappin’! And we are wont to do.

Mattie pretended to get laid by some yobbo named DJ, who stood her up the following evening but has just called her at 3 am, we just don’t know whatever for!

She accidentally hangs up on him, shouting “FML and call me 50 Cent” and that makes NO sense! She keeps trying to call him back but she’s dialing it wrong! She finally gets through, and he says that they left while he was tapping on the window, “ask the guitar dude”. Walt, get in here!

Somehow, in between 3 hours of Mattie pissing and moaning about her date not showing up, Walt missed any opportunity to mention that he saw dude, and waved to him. Plans are back on! It pouring rain outside, but DJ is getting dropped off. First Ryan’s gotta talk to him about not treating Mattie like THEY TREAT EVERY OTHER SINGLE WOMAN WHOSE PATH THEY CROSS.

Ryan is STILL interrogating DJ and hey, it’s 5 am and everybody is super tahred, let’s just get that fake sex rolling! He leaves with “you would not believe how hard I can kick stuff.” and fin. They go to cuddle.

Morning time! Hannah wants her boyfriend and Haven to come visit, let’s just put that in order of importance: Haven then Cody, but he says he has to think about what’s right for Haven; Maybe a long trip wouldn’t be the best. She’s getting all OITNB about it: that puppy will be grown when she gets back and she won’t remember her! I’d suggest Cody thinks long and hard about not bringing that puppy, if he ever wants Hott Dogg to think long and hard about him again.

Murray is all up on DJ too this morning, it’s so cute how they are so sweet and protective of all the women in the house and yet…such misogynistic aholes about all the rest. Awwww the patriarchy is confusing and has more than one standard!

I think Murray is more amused by how DJ is dressed, especially his Gap Kids shorts and Lawyer-Daddy shoes. If there was such a thing as the opposite of Sirens:

It would be personified by these smug harpies. Mattie can’t figure out why DJ is still there…just go brah! Mattie needs a NAP. And she’s not interested, he’s not her type; she calls him Felicia AND a cab home.

Santana is the absolute worst. Lyle calls her to ask how her night was at her new job; everyone was buying her drinks and she was getting fcuking WASTED, it was AWESOME and he looks like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. She’s headed to Cowboys, where she is forbidden to enter sans Boudreaux and. Well. You trust her or you don’t. People can throw down at Wendy’s, Lyle, they don’t have to go to a special “sinning place”. Now, on the other hand, Santana, dafuq???? Give your partner a break, you JUST got back together after some pretty heavy shite. Maybe don’t rub his nose in your extremely active male and party-centred life just yet. He’s hurt and if he starts bitching to his roomies again…

He runs out and starts funneling immediately and I cannot believe I am buying that as a verb, and they ask about why he’s a sixer in five minutes after his phone call with Santana…Murray advocates for leaving Santana, Walt jumps in and he goes to call Santana again. Yaaayyyy. They have one of those awful conversations between couples where one side is trying to talk and the other one is monologuing and this is what happens when dudes get you riled up instead of ladies. He hangs up on her, telling her she was his worst mistake.

The next day, Lyle is working it through; he won’t be able to party until he gets his things out of her yard and it’s clear that he’s been thinking this through for awhile, because that is not a euphemism.

Hannah is ‘CITED! It’s Haven, I mean Cody Day! Stripper ginch for everyone! She’s even got a sparkle-y body mist and you KNOW it smells like vanilla! She jumps alllll over him and he’s brought her a surprise! It’s Haven and Cody may now live. Murray says “what the FCUK is that thing? I don’t like it” and I legit LOL because Haven isn’t responsible for her name and is the cutest little inky dinky wee puppy EVER!! It takes every single ounce of my willpower to not take one thousand pictures of her adorable furry behind.

They’re doing something different and going partying! Murray gives the toast of life “To Cody being back with us in Georgia, to family being full, to hell being raised, to fun being had, and everyone getting the fcuk along” here here y’all! Oh and Lyle needs to go home and get his stuff.

Tiffany is confused; why now? But doesn’t really care, just happy for him. The boys are hoping Wild Lyle comes out and I wanna see what the fuss is all about! Ryan calls it Get Boudreaux some Booty and sure. Sigh.

They’re at Boomy’s doing shots, everyone’s having a good time but Lyle, who’s hiding in the back half-heartedly poking at a slot machine. He meets a couple of ladies outside, waaaayy too smart for him, but they think he’s endearing. Hannah is licking Cody’s face and I don’t GET IT. Ryan tells them to go get a bathroom and it’s like Hannah heard him, because off they go.

Ryan is macking on a blonde named Tara, Lyle seals the deal with his girls and off they go back to the house! Boudreaux tells his friends that he just broke up with his fiancee yesterday…and then all three women get into a bizarre fight and awwww, Ryan sacrifices getting laid by an extremely drunk woman so Lyle can have his woman-friends over, who have just met Tiffany. Hoo boy.

The women are Ava and Meagan-The-Witch, which Tiffany says she totes magotes believes in, fo SHORE. Ava is doing palm readings,Lyle’s love life is broken (which he and I snort over – him just telling her that in the truck) and Ryan’s palm tells her he’s gonna die soon.

That freaks him out, but Hannah pffts that. Whatever, ho. They send the women home and everyone passes oot.

Lyle wakes up in a dither, he’s booking a flight right away and gettin’ his STUFF. He’s all smiles and happy and teases Murray about playing with his meat in the kitchen and can I say? I love the fact they have such a big dude on the show. Big dudes FTW!

The phone rings, it’s Santana and she starts grilling Mattie on how Lyle is acting. She swears up and down she never cheated but since EVERYONE knows that’s not true…denying is no longer an option. Mattie tells her that if she really values her relationship with Lyle, she needs to woman-up, admit what she did and take the consequences and responsibilities for her actions and see if they can move forward. Santana STILL doesn’t get it, asking if Lyle comes and talks to Brandon and says nothing happened, THEN it would be good? Mattie is done. She puts the phone down and walks away. Eventually, she tells Lyle the phone is for him, a few minutes later.

Boudreaux doesn’t wanna tell her he’s coming home to get his stuff. She lays it on thhiiickkk but his cab to the airport is there and he’s gawn.

So one more week when we see him reading texts from Brandon and confronting Santana face to face…can I ask y’all a favour? Can you never tell anyone that I watch a show that is so voyeuristic as to drag out the cancellation of a young couple’s impending nuptials as displayed through painstakingly recorded texts, a series of assaults, and several eye and ear witnesses spanning multiple weeks under the guise of reality entertainment and a vacation wherein the partiers receive tens of thousands of dollars to not work at a fruit stand in Georgia? Can you do that for me? Thank you so much.