I am sooooo sorry, I’ve been mislabeling these Party Down South recaps as being from season 5, my bad. I swear to all that is holy, that’s the information I found online! I owe someone a giant YOU WERE RIGHT, so there it is. Let’s enjoy episode 8 of the seventh season, shall we?

We left Lyle asking for an ambulance after completely wigging out about his fiancee not wearing her ring and being unable to breathe. Not shenanigans, he seemed to legit be having trouble getting any air and had a lot of pain across his chest. I’m worried for our resident lonelyheart!

The gang is all freaking out while Lyle is wheeled away on a stretcher; already this is about Santana and what she’s done. Ryan warns everyone to not “put the vajayjay on a pedestal” because bad things happen, and that’s so true. She could fall off and hurt herself.

Mattie calls Lyle’s mamma to let her now what’s shaking, and I love how polite they are to elders in the south.

Ryan and Mattie toast to not getting engaged to someone two years out of high school when you’re 30 and that explains a LOT. No need to rush, good things DO last, Mattie Daddy.

Just then, Santana calls, Ryan answers and that is extraordinarily bad timing. The girls rush the phone and that’s IT. “Don’t call here no more!” And she calls back. Mattie goes off and I don’t think violence is the answer, but I admire the gravity with which she says “I won’t pull your hair. I.will.hurt.you” and I think this might be a time Santana should just put the phone down and wait until Lyle gets home from the “vacation.” Ryan says that’s EXACTLY what he was gonna say…in a slightly different way , lol, and it’s a nice moment.

Shots! Shots! Shots!

For real, their friend is in the hospital and they spend the night doing shots. And refuse to tell Lyle’s ex-fiancee, that he broke up with five minutes previously, what is going on with him because “fcuk that bitch.” I mean.

And Lyle was just dehydrated, not having a heart attack or anxiety attack. Isn’t that what celebrities call it when they’ve had too much coke, or was that just the old deviated septum line? Anyway, get some fluids, Boudreaux! Non-alcoholic. He’s going to bed.

Nobody else gets to sleep, though, Santana keeps calling and calling and calling and how about you unplug the phone instead of yelling at Lyle, Mattie? There’s nobody more obsessive and quicker on the phone dial than a 20-year-old with a 10k ring on her finger.

The girls all gossip and smoke and gossip and smoke and the phone rings again! This time it’s Bubba, Tiffany’s boyfriend and they’re gabbing about Nascar and the phone dies. Tiffany is bummed, Bubba works offshore and she hasn’t talked to him in ages.

Now Boudreaux gets to make brekkie for everyone! Meanwhile, the girls think their room smells even WORSE now that they don’t have that stinky stuff in there, Hannah figures they need to cook some stuff up there to make it smell better. Cook.stuff. In . The . Bedroom.

Murray’s friend Chi Chi calls, and no, it’s not the fabulous ChiChi Devayne from Drag Race but this guy sounds fun anyway. Also fun? Lauren is gonna get her drank on! Yay! And then not yay, she went past Happy Drunk to Cranky Create Beefs Drunk and a poor watermelon took all that action. And that is just the BEGINNING of her one-person food fight rampage! Cream cheese is the next victim and then some baby wipes and then she’s all over Tiffany and NOBODY understands what’s going on, least of all her similarly intoxicated roomies. They’re calling her Lartha, after Mattie’s evil drunk alter-ago Martha.

The boys eat the watermelon while Ryan shouts “get it goin” over  and over and over. And still. It’s only making sense to Lauren, who starts smashing up the house, Walt only looking inside to see if “she’s got her tits out” and this is the “family” they’re talking about.

Tiffany tries to talk to Lauren, and I think it’s about Walt, but apparently he wants to do Tiffany? Walt disagrees. The two best things I got out of it are “I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m a little drunk” and “I hope he goes to prison for seven fcuking years” which is awesome for both it’s specificity and when shown in conjunction with the watermelon clean up.

Lauren calls her momma to say “Walt talks to fcuking people the way he wants to fucking talk to people” and her grandpa is a federal marshal and she’s gonna get a restraining order and it makes no SENSE. Her momma tells her to sleep it off.

Tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for Lartha

Tiffany gets hold of her Bubba (not the federal marshal) offshore, he’s coming Friday, yay! She says they’re not in a good place right now and would that have anything to do with her mebbe being in lurve with Boudreaux? Or just the several weeks apart?

ChiChi is a wiry, tiny tattooed dude; essentially completely the opposite of Murray. He wants to wrestle a pig and it’s all weird and the wee pig tries to ride the bigger pig and I don’t understand anything. Tiffany *may* be flirting with ChiChi.

Lauren gets up at the crack of 6pm, covered in bruises and she can’t remember ANYTHING. I’d like us all to join hands in a non-denominational prayer circle to give thanks to the gods and goddesses for there not being cell phone cameras in widespread use during my partying days. I do have one picture where I my eyes looked exactly like Lauren’s: lights were on, weren’t nobody home. She apologizes to everyone, but they’re all good with it.

Tiffany gets a call about her friend Lindsey, who is apparently sleeping with Tiffany’s ex-boyfriend Hunter, and more hewer and slut talk and for the love of god. I mean. I’ll say it, I’ve violated that particular Girl Code that way and I actually agree with Ryan and I never saw that coming “Tiffany lives in a small town: people will bang other people.” Exactly. Also, I gather the reason Tiffany is super mad is that Lindsey was supposed to marry her cousin Hans and it’s just too few degrees of separation, you know? The boys think she’s crazy and the girls agree with her, but really, just want her to get ready to go. Party time! Chi Chi’s here and he’s looking at the pig again! That may have just been me.

Murray’s back in his spandex onesie and pigtails when Bubba calls; “put Tiffany on the phone.” He is MAD she’s caring so much about her ex-bf sleeping with her friend and he hangs up on her. She says he didn’t just MEET her and she will crazy dial him ALL NIGHT and who does THAT sound like?? Hmmm

Shots! Shots! Shots!

And guess who’s flirting with Chi Chi? And doing body shots and carrying on and “I’m in so much trouble” and yeah.

Next time it looks like Mattie and Lyle mess around! Um yay? Sure! I’m super pro-boning! And we oot, hooligans, I don’t think we need to put any baby powder on dem balls, do we? Until next week!