And we’re back to our season 15 Project Runway juggernaut! We’re still behind, so let’s not waste any more time, shall we?

Last time we lost Kimber, which was not really a surprise but still a shame. We’re eliminating mature women like crazy on this show, what’s going on?? We almost lost Mah-Jing, but that was a stupid challenge and I have no doubt he will rebound. We finally got to spend some time with Rik, but only because we almost lost him too. I guess we have to accept that Erin is the designer to beat thus far, but only because it drives Cornelius nuts

Nathalia and Jenni are already shit-talking two-times-out-of-three winner Erin, Nathalia calling it Grandma clothes and I will have to step in to disagree. Grandma isn’t going raving in pasties, full stop. I just thought it was stupid, but it’s interesting that people are aligning against Erin already.

Cornelius tries to think of something nice to say about what the judges are seeing in Erin’s work but

Is unable. The problem with everyone focusing on Erin so soon is that it can affect the confidence other designers have in their work. Except Corny, he’s good, he’s the Kanye West of Project Runway, a surfeit of misplaced confidence will carry him through.

Sarah is like, READY, she’s thinks she’s getting better every week (instead of cruising under the radar, which is what she’s actually doing) and now she’s READY for those critiques! Erin figures she’ll lie low with her immunity, she doesn’t “want to be in the top every week.” Man, she’s so lucky she has people-pleaser Sarah as a roomie, anyone would have torn her to shreds for that arrogance.

Time for the next challenge! It’s Sink or Swim time and check oot Tim’s wheels!!?

Brik would go to the beach with Tim and so would I!! Heidi brings out a bunch of models in bikinis, they’ll be designing swimwear! Roberi is from the Caribbean, so he thinks he’s got this but Mah-Jing’s just excited about this much female flesh on display. Sigh.

Cornelius is sweaty-nervous, he’s never done swimwear, but Heidi thinks the way to confidence is a good swimsuit. I am guessing Heidi hasn’t ever had a lot of trouble finding a swimsuit. Anyway, they’ll be basing their looks on Heidi’s new Swim line (WHERE’S MAH CHEQUE?) and creating their own printed textile. That’s always fun! I remember when Mondo created the textile to announce his HIV positive status and we all bawled, didn’t we? We did.

It’s another one day challenge and that’s quite a bit, isn’t it? Design a swim suit, a textile, a cover-up and have it production ready in that amount of time? Alex is whatever the opposite of excited is.

But Mah-Jing digs the fact that it will be in actual production as part of Heidi’s line. I think it’s cheesy that she’s using unpaid labour to design her swim line, but it’s all tit for tat, right? They get exposure and she gets free design.

Erin’s doing the sexbomb thing again, thinking of someone who wears high heels to the beach and drinks a lot and from what I remember of my time in Vancouver, she means Italian ladies. If we saw a glamourous lady swanning about in heels and half a bathing suit in Vancouver, she was invariably Italian and so chic it hurt.

Alex is thinking more of a covered one-piece, that’s how he rolls on the beach.

Dexter is trying to avoid eating a poop sandwich with his textile because

But I’m pretty sure he doesn’t mean “literally.” Roberi is designing a textile covered with feathers. Imitating the ubiquitous macaws from his homeland and guuuuurrrrllllll. I don’t know about that. Looking like a bird is not what people generally want out of their swimsuits.

Overview of everyone else’s patterns, Rik wants to make himself a little speedo to go along with his look and DO IT!!

Oh I’m worried for Sarah, her textile is little pictures of a woman in a bikini laying out repeated all over. I do not understand. She makes the producer laugh hysterically with her girl’s party plan: I did not know hanging out by the smoked meat was an option!!

Mood time!! Alex is ugly-running, Tasha’s using some black in there and time is up!

Happy birthday Swatch!!

And the textiles are ready, yay! Brik has gone with a brick motif, of course, because one must always mimic one’s name, which means I should be looking for some love potion right now, amirite?

Jenni is worried about her print, it went from sexy to little girl with a lighter colour and she is going to have to think about it. Roberi and I are not so sure: it looks Powder Puff Girly. I have no idea how she thought this was a sexy look in ANY colour

Mah-Jing can’t stop dancing with his fabric long enough to make something, I guess he really likes it! Tasha and Cornelius are worried, but they’re probably fine, we’re seeing a LOT of Sarah this time. I’m going to call her going home today just based on that. Okay, not solely based on that, her design esthetic is….if I’m being polite I’m going to say it’s boring, but you know I mean PTA mom-friendly, right?

Ohhh Corny’s look is not good. High-waisted with a long top? He’s completely lost. Rik’s looks like a Harlequin too, so we’ll see.

Dexter breaks it down for us: it’s much harder to make a tiny bikini than it is a dress that just has to be draped and sewn. For one thing, you always have to deal with stretch fabrics and everything has to be tailored perfectly. Corny would be very happy just to be safe, FINALLY

There’s a new euphemism for vagina, its schnoo schnoo and we’re looking to get those covered! But just barely.

Heidi and TimTiques! I don’t know if you’ve ever seen Heidi critique an outfit for one of her lines before but I’ve seen her destroy designers over lingerie more than once: everyone should be bracing themselves. She tries everything on over her clothes and is RUTHLESS.

Alex doesn’t do badly, but Heidi is so shocked at Cornelius’s design that she almost can’t speak. Between the diaper-like bottom and the giant H in the cleavage, she doesn’t know where to look. I thought she might cry. I do love his pattern, though!

Um. Dexter has a bell that hangs right next to his other bells

And an unwearable alligator print. Alex questions his taste level but Heidi saves most of her fabric confusion for Mah-Jing, who is making a denim bikini top. Er. Nathalia says “not even Rihanna” would wear this.

Roberi’s feather print looks high-end to these peeps, sure! Erin gets all the good feedback OF COURSE but Sarah’s look is AWFUL. And boring. And the print is as bad as I thought.

Nathalia’s look is called cheap and juvenile; everybody hates Jenni’s look. Heidi thought she would be more plugged in, since she’s young and has that annoying laugh and all. That last part may be me. Heidi tries the bikini bottoms on over her jeans, oh, they are TERRIBLE.

Jenni doesn’t care, she’s sticking to her guns. Famous.last.words. They do like Rik’s easy and sophisticated print, yay! Tasha is struggling, her entire concept is bashed and I’m worried for her as well.

Sewing time in the Brother Studio (WMC??)! Sarah is struggling and so is Tasha, but Laurence helps her out with sewing advice.

Model fittings. Rik’s is great and his model wants to keep it, I bet. Oh wow, Jenni’s looks even worse on the model. The PANTS.

Everyone else is dealing with typical bikini fit issues, nobody wants labia spillage on the runway. That’s what they call it, man, I never thought of labia as something you spill, but I haven’t worn a bikini in a very long time.

Cornelius and Sarah and Tasha are in so!much!trouble! still at the end of the day.Tasha is really sweating bullets and we get her backstory, so now I’m REALLY biting my nails. I don’t think I could love this picture of her and her husband more, though:

Jennie’s swanning about in her own bikini. Gurl, you better have put a sani-strip in there for your model.

Cornelius is almost crying in his panic, I hope he pulls it out. He’s a talented designer, almost as much as he thinks he is, but this challenge has completely flummoxed him.

Runway day! Last minute sewing, model fitting and hair and makeup! Tasha is so lucky she has a model with zero bewbs, the top is TINY. Oh Jenni’s is so bad. So bad, but she loves it.

I love Brik’s French braid, I wish I could do that! Lots of product promo in the hair salon, I’m not even trying.

Alex’s coverup is veryyyyyy old-looking, I mean, when SARAH thinks even her grandma wouldn’t like it…

Runway Time! Along with Nina Garcia, Heidi and Zac Posen, the guest judge is Lucky Blue Smith, who The Google tells me is a model. He has super pretty blue eyes and intriguing lips. He’s basically a Hanson.

Heidi’s wearing this cool kind of 80s hooker chic get up, green leather jacket top that looks like the fringed suede thingy Amanda Peterson wore in Can’t Hardly Wait, matching skirt and knee-high boots. Interesting. Runway time!

Rik’s looks very polished

Erin’s looks like a lot of pink print

I dunno about Cornelius’s look…very ill-fitting and you can’t really call a swatch of fabric a cover-up, can you?

Nathalia’s looks like Jenni’s, but less matronly.

Oh Brik. Your model walks like a truck and it’s not helping your heavy swimsuit.

Hahahahaha, Jenni’s model basically throws her flap down, I don’t think she likes this swimsuit

Laurence’s is fine. Safe, most likely

HAHAHAHAHA the look on Zac’s face disagrees with me

He looks personally offended by the simpleness of her look

I really do not like Alex’s look, boring and samey, but he thinks he’s top three for SURE

Poor Tasha and her hard-walking model

I don’t know why Mah-Jing made his bikini bottom so high?

I kind of love Dexter’s though, I love a bright colour and he’s gone all over with it

Oh Sarah. Sarah I don’t even understand what you were attempting.

Roberi’s feather suit is…okay? It’s nicely cut and I dig that he was the only one who asked if his (terrified looking) model was comfortable wearing her suit.

Judging time! Called forward are Laurence, Cornelius, Nathalia, Brik, Mah-Jing, Dexter and Erin and they’re SAFE! Yay! Everyone just about pees themselves with relief.

So on the runway for critiques, I will give you my guesses for Top / Bottoms:

Roberi (Top – will probably win)

Tasha (Bottom – seriously hope she doesn’t go home yet)

Rik (Top – it’s between him and Roberi to win)

Jenni (Bottom, will stay)

Alex (Top, not going to win)

Sarah – goodbye, lady

Roberi is up first for critique: they LOVE it of course, charming, sophisticated, etc etc.

Tasha: gets horrific critique for her boring robe and Asian restaurant print. However, they didn’t really hate it, so there is still hope for our Tasha.

Rik: gets ALL the love, he nailed this challenge, it’s “print-astic” and Zac is proud of Rik. I am legit side-eying Lucky Blue at this point, he talks in a halting manner that makes me think drugs or a small stroke.

Jenni: yoga-mat print, “Miss Piggy meets the Golden Girls” and “granny stripper” are just a couple of descriptions from Zac, ouch.

Alex: they LOVED the granny cover-up! Wow, I would not have expected that. I assume he was on top, but I didn’t quite know why. Sweet, easy and effective.

Sarah: you can see her not be able to breathe almost right away; I’m worried about her having a panic attack. They mostly hate it because it looks like a child’s bathing suit, but ill-fitting comes up as well. NIna says it looks like what a six year old would buy, which reveals a stunning lack of understanding as to a six-year-old’s average allowance AND interest in fabrics sans ponies or trucks.

Model groping time! They LOVE Rik’s, Roberi and Alex get snaps but I think this is Rik’s to lose.

And the winner is: Rik! Yay! All the redemption for the last challenge where they questioned his taste level. Let’s see the speedo!

I think Roberi will start figuring really soon, his work is consistently classy and beautifully cut

Going home is: Sarah, which I called ages ago. Sorry, lady. You seemed nice, but so hella nervous.

Everyone hugs her and cries, no shame in that game, sister, you were top 12 in the country! Until next time, keep your shears sharp and your eyes on the schnoo.