We’re almost done the entire Rose and Maloney series, thanks again to LB (HBD!) on Facebook that recommended this early Sarah Lancashire gem, let’s see what this last three episodes has for us! Rolling Rose and Maloney S3:E1 after the break!

We open with credits playing over a car that the tide has brought in, police show up as peppy music plays and we see a dead person handcuffed and strapped into the car. I may be wrong, but the dead person looks like a black man in tribal gear, although that may just be the restraints.

A disgruntled Maloney is looking in dismay at his messy bathroom, there are pantyhose hanging everywhere and pretty, tiny underwear is soaking in the sink, which can only mean one thing: Rose is around. I’m seriously getting itchy just watching: I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS!!

Our Rose is just staying with Maloney until she can get her things shifted to a storage locker, she can’t believe how fussy some people can be about those credit checks. More of a formality, aren’t they? And her ride will be there in 18 months, or sooner if she can get him out of prison before.

Now we’re at the CJRA and seriously, I cannot look at that mess much longer, SHIFT THE CAMERA! Ah that’s better, we’re watching someone paint the walls of the new boss arriving posthaste: Tart’s Boudoir is all the rage at Sherwin Williams, I hear! Who’s this new person? Rose thinks she has it pegged already

So any bets on whether the guy painting is the licker of arses? Don’t take that bet! This is Wally Canford (David Westhead) and he’s adorable in his tart’s boudoir office! He has a bunch of new ideas for the CJRA, those are always awesome; he thinks they can be more efficient, team-based and share resources. Rose is NOT interested. He has a plan for her specifically, though! Maybe instead of the headline grabbers, she can put her talents to work on say, shoplifting cases! Sure!

Joyce has helpfully brought all of her shoplifting cases to Rose; 326 offenses and a worldwide CCTV CIA conspiracy later: Rose leaves the files behind to talk to a policeman who’s come to see her about the man found in the car in the water.

DS Mallam (Michael Smiley) has been going through the effects found in the car, including Rose’s CJRA card. The car is registered to a Denis Bowland (Norman Roberts), whose rape conviction Rose and Maloney are reviewing. He’s been tortured, but it can’t be him anyway, Bowland is still in prison.

And extraordinarily happy as well! Denis Bowland is the most cheerful convicted rapist I’ve ever seen. He’s so perky! Well, he WAS, until he sees the photo of the dead man. It slows him down, but he says he doesn’t recognise the fella. I will just say: it would be nigh impossible to recognise ANYONE in that condition, maybe a morgue photo instead of the bloody, bloated and sandy visage, DS Mallam?

Bowland’s not having DS Mallam’s prejudice against sex offenders, he didn’t do that and Mallam can piss off. Mallam shows EXACTLY why Rose is having to investigate the safety of so many convictions in slapping Bowland’s face. In front of witnesses!! You can’t assault people just because you think they did something wrong and they are pretty sure they didn’t! I’m no sex offender cheerleader (LIKE AT ALL), but Mallam knows nothing of the case. Tosser

Rose is outraged! But warns Denis to sit back down, no point right now. Mallam and the guard are escorted out and we review Bowland’s case.

Rose has found the victim; Denis interjects that she’s not a victim since she wanted to have sex with him and I think I may have a trigger issue pending. I’ll keep an eye onnit!

He was a cab driver and his last fare of the evening was a intoxicated and sleepy young woman without money or debit card. He offers to drive her to the police then, but she has other ideas. She told him to get in the back, where they had miserable sex before he walked her to the door.

I’m not sure why Rose and Maloney wanted him to go through all that again, they’ve already received the information that evidence was withheld from the defense and they’re recommending a review.

Denis doesn’t understand why they’re not being more forthcoming but Rose urges him to think about the young man in his car using his license. Denis thinks it’s part of a vast conspiracy by the police to screw him up cc: Making a Murderer, but I don’t know if police are all that bloody-minded. Yes, there are good ones and bad ones *coughMallamcough* but vast conspiracies are fairly unusual, I’d wager.

Just when I think Denis is truly the happiest-go-luckiest convict EVER, the door to his cell closes and he stops laughing and joking immediately and bursts into gut wrenching sobs. He knows that young man in the photo very well. I’m wondering if it’s his son. Ah Denis

Rose and Maloney are stopped on their way out by Mark the guard (Eamon Geoghegan); they shouldn’t believe a word Denis says: he has a visitor every week! And it’s a woman of the handsy type, too.

It’s Rose’s turn to make dinner, Chinese again? Doesn’t she ever cook food, asks Maloney?

Now we have the other side of the story; Lola (Brook Kinsella)’s story starts outside another club, where she fought off another attacker then got into the first cab she could. Denis was smoking up and locked her in and the only part that matches was that he walked her to the door after, so she would know he knew where she lived. She never saw his face during the attack and seems somewhat credible, I don’t know!

The information that Bowland’s lawyers weren’t given is fairly damning. Lola was addicted to crack and it led to some similar behaviours: offering sex to not be fired, asking people at the night club for money for sex, these are things that could have seriously impacted the verdict. Rose and Maloney try to explain that they aren’t the police, but rather are investigating the conviction itself, so her flying at Rose isn’t super helpful, if it is understandable. There are a lot of reasons victims don’t report, one is not being believed.

Rose rakes Maloney over the coals for his lack of empathy, I think in reaction to HER being thoroughly excoriated by Lola.

Back in the office, Rose is working late and guess who else is there? Wally! And he smokes, offering her one. She’s trying to quit, though, she promised Maloney. He asks about the case, she’s having a hard time reading Denis as a rapist, Wally suggests that might be on purpose. If you can’t read your client, maybe he doesn’t want you too. Maloney said earlier than Denis would have to be a fantastic liar if he did recognise that photo and we know that he DID recognise it, so…

Interesting.

Is Denis a socio/psychopath? Capable of assuming faces at will?

Wally wanders off with the shoplifting file, he wants to look good, Rose! I suggest pulling the tie out of your pants then, Wally!

Rose arrives at Maloney’s clean flat; “empathy is in the oven”! It’s lasagne and damnit, now I want lasagne.

Rose and Maloney are staring at Denis’s girlfriend in the Visitor’s Lounge, he drops his face for her, anyway. He’s bawling and she’s comforting him, Maloney wanted to know if rapists have girlfriends? Of course they do, you’ve no idea. Maloney asks what they’ll be doing next, “behaving in an impulsive, unprofessional and potentially compromising way?”

They follow Denis’s girlfriend to her swank home in the hills. She’s Vanda (Klara Issova) but neither she or her manfriend Malek (Velibor Topic) want to know anything about Maloney, who spins a yarn about voting and bails so as not to get her in trouble. He hisses instructions to have her visit the office at 7.

She doesn’t show, Maloney’s “she’s not coming” and Rose’s “story of your life” had me do a snort / choke / laugh out loud combo. Joyce wants to know what’s going on, Malek is a big deal! He’s untouchable and a gangster and just then, in walks Vanda.

She introduces herself as belonging to Malek, what’s going on with Denis?? They show her the picture of the dead man, she knows who it is!

They’re in to see Denis again, this time he’s got his lawyer Danny (Danny Dyer) and it’s all glad hands on deck once again. Rose has had it with that, though, she’s met Vanda and everyone’s going to have to come clean.

The dead man is Denis’s brother; even though Denis doesn’t HAVE a brother and she couldn’t say any more because she was afraid she’d be killed. Danny asks about client confidentiality: none and he does not want Denis to talk. Too late.

Denis Bowland is actually Henry Pierce Callahan (Paterson Joseph from The Leftovers – I HATED The Leftovers) and the dead man is his brother Carl (Raymon Vaughn-Williams) who always stuck by him.

Rose’s been standing across the room until then (in the largest interview room EVER), she approaches now and starts to record their conversation.

He used to be an investment manager (at the dog track?) with friends, betting on whatever they could. I have noticed that if Harry was talking, he was making a wager on something. He and a pal Damon (Chris Rymon) made a bet that he could shag the next woman who walked in the door at the track (WOMEN ARE NOT PRIZES AND MANIPULATING THEM SO YOU COULD WIN A STUPID BET MAKES ME AHAHVSHJVDBSVHBFVFDSJ      FVHJBAKJBHJDSKNGF KJDBJDLJ!!!!!!), I’m guessing it was Vanda. I was right!

He thought she was just beautiful (FOR A STUPID PRIZE IN A STUPID BET WHERE WOMEN ARE TREATED LIKE OBJECTS AHJSBAHJABSDFVDFVJ) and couldn’t resist trying to get closer and closer to her, helping Malek and everyone else. Malek makes sure Henry knew she was a whore before, he’s that kind of guy and then pushes Henry to work with Vanda. He was in lurve.

He helped Vanda steal 2.4 million dollars of Malek’s money, he’s in here so Vanda isn’t on the hook for it.

It seems Danny knew of the REAL Denis Bowlan’s case, and Lola was indeed a piece of work (in theory), since she had done this before: offering sex then demanding cash or she’d cry rape. They paid Denis $250,000.00 to go away and sent Henry to jail instead to hide him, where he’s been for 4 years.

Speaking of vast unbelievable conspiracies…

Rose is aghast that they let this alleged rapist just walk away for money; but Danny knew all along about Lola’s previous behaviour and knew he could have Henry out at any time. They just wanted him to lie low for awhile until Malex FORGETS 2.4 MILLION POUNDS as heads of mobs are wont to do.

Rose has killed a bunch of fish at Maloney’s flat, she really wants to know why he won’t even entertain the possibility of not telling on Denis / Henry? He’s already emailed Wally, so there: he said it.

Rose wants to investigate the original complaint to make sure the real Denis Bowland was innocent and then there’s Malek to be looked into but Maloney isn’t listening. He’s listening to jazz in his car, eating a chocolate bar and reading The Independent. I understand everything about that except the jazz.

Joyce has dug up the backstory on Malek Demetriev, she presents it to Wally, Rose and Maloney (bit of eye-cuddling there between Wally and Joyce?) and then Rose talks Wally into delaying reporting everything for two days. They have 48 hours: do their thing!

They’ve got notice from Lola’s lawyer; she’s changed her story and given a statement. She’s been paid off. I can’t tell if she’s telling the truth, I can’t tell if she was lying then or now.

Rose just wishes there was someone willing to go to the ends of the earth for her like Henry and Vanda are willing to do for each other, she’s slightly interested in Wally…Maloney pushes back, that would be like them dating!

Right. Right? Right

None of that, they decide.

They’re in to see Danny again; turns out four years is next week and Vanda will have to bring in a paper for Henry to sign so they can pay Mr. Bowland for staying gone.

DS Mallam shows up again then, looks like there’s a copycat on the prowl. Denis Bowlan has been raping young women then walked them to the door and it’s Danny and Henry’s fault.

In Wally’s office, he is NOT happy with the news, and Rose has already called it in. She better have a plan!

You know she has a plan!

Vanda DID pay Lola off, Malek’s noticed 30, 000 pounds has gone missing and then they have a tense conversation about Malek killing Carl. I’m guessing this is being recorded, since she’s asking all kinds of sensible questions.

Well, Vanda’s willing to testify, anyway, so there’s that. The plan is as follows: they’re gonna snatch Bowland when he comes to pick up the money for staying gone for 4 years. He’ll be picked up, Vanda will scoot from Malek’s house and DS Mallam will stake it out until she testifies. Henry will be charged with Perverting the Course of Justice.

Vanda hasn’t shown up yet, but Mallam decides to make his move on Malek anyway, finding the mob kingpin in bed with a head shot ending any talking he was going to do. Hm

Rose STILL can’t get Vanda to pick up, but we getta see Vanda throwing away the gun and silencer she used to kill Malek. She leaves a convertible with lilies attached at the water’s edge at low tide; that must be for Carl’s watery grave.

Rose has cooked up some empathy herself, it looks like Shepherd’s Pie! She brings it out to Maloney, who’s still hiding in his car. The empathy is good! Is she such a nightmare to live with? He just needs his space sometimes and I could not understand more. She’s gotten him replacement fish even!

They discuss the case; they’ve been completely had. Lola was raped and Vanda paid her off and are Vanda and Henry even together, or did Vanda abscond with the money? Was the whole point getting him to sign that paper so she had access to the money?

Somehow in all that, Maloney talked Rose to staying in his flat for longer; he HATES Shepherd’s Pie.

Henry’s out! And there’s no Vanda. He still thinks they’re a couple and he signed the paper giving her ALL the money, so yeah. She’s gone.

I believe Henry, I think Vanda will be waiting for him, he’s bet everything he’s got on it! And we’re oot. Happy birthday, LB, I hope it’s magical!