Full disclosure: I’m just coming off an extremely trippy episode of Mr. Robot so I’ve gone to Spotless to soothe me with some detailed crime scene cleaning.

Last time, Jean (Marc-Andre Grondin) had to clean up after the murder of the crooked cop that was harassing him, missing the school appointment for his daughter in the process. Martin (Denis Menochet) took the MobBoss’s brother out for drinkies and discovered that the French mob chasing him had shown up in town. He also attended his niece’s school interview for his brother, because he’s an awesome uncle.

UPDATE: I am doing this as a re-watch since Netflix has released the extended episodes and I now know how to gif stuff, so.

We open with Jean in an empty church; Martin shows up, surprised. Jean is an atheist but likes the peace of church and me too!! Well, I occasionally waffle on the first, but mostly I just hate organized religion. We prolly should just leave that there before I offend anyone. More brothers as opposites: Jean wants to control everything, Martin wants to ride whatever wave comes. He brings up the man they killed; he had a wife and kids who’s lives were irrevocably changed and that’s probably not something most survivors worry about, but I guess since they are also killers: maybe.

Jean is cleaning up after sex with Claire (Tanya Fear) again; he seems to be moving in her direction instead of his wife and that’s interesting. We will see how their relationship develops, but sometimes that 15 year relationship has too much chokey baggage to allow any growth and it’s not really selfish to get air when you’re drowning, is it?

Anyway, he’s lying to her too, saying people have been killed but not by him, because he “wouldn’t do that” and sigh. What’s the point of starting another relationship on a false foundation, Jean? I’m distracted by her apartment: it’s GORGEOUS!! All windows and she said she has a hot date, but really, it’s with her mom, who is having chemo.

The thugs searching for Martin are canvassing the neighbourhood while Jean and Julie (Miranda Raison) explore her new space. She’s all excited and covered in clay; almost as excited as her sister Nina (Lucy Akhurst), who suggests Julie “mount him here, in amongst the turpentine and wood shavings” and you know I have to post this now:

Jean’s back at work and in walks Joey (Doug Allen) in the daylight and everything! Whut? Oh, Jean’s left the Cell of Doom at home and hasn’t been receiving all the summonses from Nelson (Brendon Coyle). Thankfully, Martin’s gone and got it for him and sometimes I just get frustrated with Jean. I mean: YOU WORK FOR A MOB BOSS. YOU ACCEPTED THE CONTRACT (granted, not much choice after you demonstrated your wares) YOU DON’T GET TO DICTATE ANY TERMS! NONE!!

Oh and this time there’s someone alive there, what? Andrew St. Jean-Payne (Andrew Havill), candidate for Deputy Mayor and long time councillor, etc etc, he must be a very good friend of Nelson’s, given that he gets to see everyone’s faces and all. His countenance is all droopy and hand-bitey, though, so what’s up, asks Jean?

We go into the bedroom to find a woman, tied up but not moving as much as you would expect. It’s only fun if you try to fight back, isn’t it? It seems her fighting back days are over; Joanne (Charlotte Brimble) was a high end escort and appears to have died from a speedball. This sentence is gorgeous, so Imma put it down in all it’s glory, but you must imagine it in a heavy Irish accent with all sorts of pregnant pauses:

“She came back a little wasted (after the speedball) but, you know…still…game.” eye roll / mouth crumple/twist

There aren’t any signs of a struggle so Jean doesn’t understand what he’s there for. Now this is odd; Joanne was Payne’s date at a function, so he’s been seen with her, and why not with his wife? I don’t mean to be old-fashioned, but I thought the spouses were for the official stuff and the sex workers for the hotel after?

Nelson wants Jean to fix it; but he balks. She’s not a criminal, but rather someone’s daughter. I would argue she’s both: as far as I know, sex work isn’t legal in the UK, and heroin for SURE isn’t, but let’s not split hairs, Jean’s just mounting his high horse and this could take awhile. I just don’t know how he can fix it?

Jean starts with questioning Payne: did he have sex with her? Was he wearing a condom? Were there any bodily fluids and this seems pointless: there are ALWAYS stray bits of DNA kicking around, a full removal will have to be done regardless. Is he just trying to embarrass the honourable Andrew St.Jean-Payne? Payne feels so, Jean has to slap him out of it; since this is Joanne’s apartment, all that has to be done is to clear Payne out of it.

Joey offers to stay with Victor (Liam Garrigan) and Jean, but no, Nelson wants Frank (Ciaran Owens) to do it, he’s got some ground to make up. After everyone else clears out, Payne tries to express his gratitude to Nelson, but is cut short

Jean doesn’t even know if he can do this, forensically, but he has to try and sends Martin to take care of one of his regular contracts at the hospital, leaving Frank to the assist on Joanne. They wrap her in layer after layer of bedding and I just don’t understand how this will work. Ah, they’re taking Joanne back to her house, away from her working space, and she will be considered just a usual drugs case.

Ehhhhhh Maddy’s getting her tongue pierced! She’s 13, doesn’t she need parental permission?? She’s also shoplifting and really REALLY being a teenager while Julie planes wood and gets a call from the police after a snotty call from the school administrator. Turns out Maddy isn’t a very good shoplifter.

The French thugs are checking coffee shops, Nico (Damien Taranto) just isn’t very bright, is he? I mean, there’s a kid there that clearly recognises the picture of Martin, but off he goes again.

Jan, Victor and Frank are at Joanne’s house. Jean tries to send them off but Victor wants to stay. Frank takes Jean aside for an apology and a caution: he’s sorry he got Jean mixed up with this gang. There is no happy ending with this lot; look at what what happened with Tom Kendrick? Friends and criminal colleagues for 20 years, then shot in the face a bunch of times. See how Nelson treats him now?

Jean is very gently taking care of Joanne, removing all makeup and bondage gear and essentially leaving her as a parent would like to find her, as Victor and Frank wait in the car. He starts watching her home movies and it’s getting a bit creepy, yo.

All teenagers like to look older, but Maddy hasn’t a hope in hell with this adorable cherubic visage, tongue pierced or not.

Maddy doesn’t want to go to poncy Kingsgate, but Jean wants to give her that opportunity. She could be anything she wants to be. Teenagers are so rife with change, another just seems like too much to poor Maddy, and she’s acting oot. And her teacher at St. Barts REALLY needs to get laid.

At the regular contract job, Martin flirts with Tattooed Cleaner (want some coffee? Do you have any money?) and he’s still on that skateboard!

I mean, he looks like a 60-year old pineapple-shaped bear. He stops to mooch a cigarette from someone in a hospital gown on an IV and is FINALLY spotted by Nico and Romain. A spectacularly unbelievable chase ensues, culminating in Martin crying uncle after a leg cramp.

They want their drugs back! Martin wants his money back! Pfft: everyone steals from everyone! Ehhhh Romain (Maxime Lafrancois) stabs Martin in the shoulder and starts twisting, ehhhhh the shoulder is the most complicated joint in the human body! So hard to fix! Oh shit, Martin gives up Nelson Clay as taking the drugs and then jumps off the bridge. WHUT??

Oh FFS, Jean fell asleep watching Joanne’s home movies; off he wanders to orient himself and comes in to find VICTOR HAVING SEX WITH THE BODY. For the love of… THEY JUST SPENT HOW LONG GETTING RID OF ALL TRACE EVIDENCE THAT SHE HAD SEX and VICTOR!! WHAT THE FCUK MAN??

Oh man, and now there’s evidence of a struggle, what with Jean throwing a pillow at a pants-falling Victor, I mean. Nelson is called and is it bad that I feel bad for Victor? He seems so messed up. But still!! NECROPHILIA IS NOT OKAY MAN! Nelson is furious

They have to burn the house down. Nelson tells the story of Victor’s wife; she was a good woman he married at 18. She meant to leave him, so he beat her to death while drunk and then spent 7 days “loving” her body back to life in the marital bed. Jaysus guys, I need an Ambien and a drink already.

There is so much contamination in that scene that it’s making me itchy and then Nelson murders a completely innocent cat and I’ll be right back. This episode is fcuked up, man. I was hoping for a little respite after the mindhump that Mr. Robot delivered, thanks for NOTHING.

Martin is home, hurt and bleeding, so Julie patches him up while they stare at each other’s mouths. Ehhh. I feel as though an affair with these two is inevitable and I just think that would be very bad for the brothers, although Julie might enjoy getting the proper amount of attention for once. The kids from the coffee shop come in and ask if the French guys caught him yet?

Nelson loads Jean up with produce from his garden, I just love watching Nelson’s face.

Jean arrives home and hugs Julie as though she’s his lifeline. She’s worried about Martin’s injury. It’s quite serious, still bleeding and painful, but Jean just wants to know if they know where Martin is staying. That’s why Martin came back, he says, it wouldn’t be fair to just leave Jean to deal with the homicidal Francophone shoulder-stabbers.

Jean’s cell buzzes; it’s Victor. He’s soaking away his beating in the tub. He knows where Jean’s children go to school, where his wife works. He will make them bleed

We understand that Jean will have to kill the psychopath that is Victor. As Martin slumps to the floor in pain, we see that he will also have to do it without help from his big brother.

Whew. This was a heavy turn; there are dangerous people coming from every angle and no safe harbours are apparent. Jean has progressed far beyond that of cleaning up bodily fluids; he’s now responsible for setting complicated scenes and manufacturing evidence and it’s not mops and buckets and shit any more, is it? Martin, the lovable rogue, isn’t doing very well and those French thugs, as funny as they are, mean serious bidness. And Victor. Well. Once the oddball disregarded brother of true power, now exposed as a lurking menace dripping (literally) malevolence. We forget that people without power are sometimes even more dangerous than those that do.

Until next time, Spotless aficionados, keep your stick on the ice and your appendages where it’s warm.