Welcome back! We’re just speeding through season one of Spotless, I need to find out if there’s a season two in the works yet. On we roll!

Last week Victor Clay (Liam Garrigan) made his move into Julie (Miranda Raison)’s orbit, as did Jean (Marc-Andre Grondin), which Martin (Denis Menochet) lurked and listened to; and Jean found his exit ticket in the form of super-murder-y videos left in the lake by helpful dead Tom Kendrick. Oh, and the French thugs are out of the picture, with Martin strangling Romain (Maxime LaFrancois) over an ill-timed ‘yo mama’ reference and Nico (Damien Taranto) being killed for NO REASON, VEYSEL

We open at dinner with the Bastieres, Maddy (Jemma Donovan) texting while her uncle Martin reads over her shoulder (as IF!) until Julie tells her to put it away, like GAHD mom, it’s only weird if I’m interrupting something. Nobody is talking, except now Olivier (Niall Hayes) who notes the difference in colour in Uncle Martin’s bruises. Julie stomps away.

She’s angry; having her son clinically note the changes in his uncle’s bruise pattern is NOT WHAT SHE PLANNED, Jean! Tell her all that is over. Of course it is, he would never lie to her. Except for when he’s talking, then he just flat out lies all the time. When he’s sleeping, he’s true blue, babe. Well, when he’s sleeping with HER, not his mistress.

Julie is putting Maureen (Naomi Radcliffe)  in an increasingly uncomfortable position; she wants to come in and sort through paperwork as soon as you-know-who is out of the picture. She’s uncomfortable with all the dirty money, too, asking Jean if they could just go back to legit jobs now? Jean’s asked Nelson that himself, he knows the answer! That’s a big NO

Martin’s tending of Maddy is paying off in spades as she takes care of him after the epic fight with Romain. Maybe he could pay her….? But there are kids half her age doing much more elsewhere, so no way, Maddy

She’s looking for some guidance, she likes a boy and how do you get someone to like you? Martin advises her to become irresistible by appearing completely unavailable and I say just go up and say hi! She suggests an impossible-to-catch named movie; it’s French and will make them cry. That sounds AWESOME! Or whatever the opposite of awesome is in French.

Julie is bracing Maureen about the missing, and odd ebb and flow, of money; who spills immediately. Maureen is no Danny! Honestly, no pressure at all and she just comes right out with it. Maureen’s no kind of criminal at all.

Rosie (Izabella Urbanowicz) visiting and maligning “dirty” Lithuanian girls (they like to get ESPECIALLY pregnant) when Jean arrives at the scene, thereby ending a horrific conversation involving bareback and the scrubby guy with the pube-beard aka Padraig Pease O’Leary (Jake Curran).

They’re calling the scene a domestic violence gone wrong, but when we see the picture of the deceased couple, we know that Veysel (Philip Arditti) was offed by something much mightier than a relashie gone south: Nelson (Brendan Coyle) and his turf war.

Jean returns to his office to a gun to the head from Hakan (Tolga Safer of the insane profile), it’s like when a chicken has it’s head cut off and it keeps running around because it doesn’t know it’s dead yet. That’s Veysel’s second in command. Hakan takes Jean to see Veysel’s brother Yilmaz (David Avery), I forgot that Jean hasn’t met any of this gang, it’s all been Martin to this point.

I don’t think Martin even had a chance to tell Jean exactly what he was up to. These guys don’t care, they insist that Jean will hand over Nelson on a platter and give him a cell phone so they can remain in constant communication. That makes THREE phones and I don’t see this going very well.

Maddy explains a game all the kids are playing these days: skin flick, which means that I guess the girls take a half-nekkid selfie, no face, and send it around so they boys can share and “guess whose rack” and HONESTLY. It really is how things are these days and I am so glad I have boys… that WILL NEVER HAVE PHONES. She’s waffling on going to a party, but Martin insists and his advice boils down to: don’t be a sheep, don’t try to fit in, be a lioness, shake your peacock tailfeather and go shopping. She’d just as soon stay here with him, but she takes the money and scoots.

Jean comes home to find Nelson stewing on his porch and I must find the gif; it made me laugh so hard I startled the hubs.

Jean doesn’t even KNOW those guys, swearsies, just the tip, cheque’s in the mail, etc etc. Nelson knows it was Martin, though, and he also knows that Romain and Nico are dead. He calls the other guys the Turkish Bretheren and I didn’t even know they were Turkish! Nelson says if he finds out Jean has been in contact (like the cell phone that just went lazer hot in his pocket) he will END him.

The barely concealed menace and controlled fury that Brendan Coyle projects in this scene is worth the price of admission alone. Jean hands over the cell phone to Martin, who for suresies was gonna tell him all about it, and explains about their new contract with the Turks and you know, Martin really was trying to help. Now they have two phones and two bosses and no way out. Jean is taking his video to the police but Martin is skeptical. He tells Jean to go, just go, take the family and run, the bank owns everything anyway. Jean’s not sure his family would go with him. Martin asks about Claire, but Jean denies the existence of a girlfriend. Me and Martin laugh, Jean’s a terrible liar.

In walks Julie; she takes one look at the two of them and off she goes again. Martin reminds Jean: he has a lot to lose.

Jean really has gone the full pickle: he’s brought everything to police and DCI Squire (Sarah Niles) is surprisingly reluctant to take the evidence. She advises him to trust no-one and asks if he wants to stop long enough to secure representation. Huh.

Julie is talking to her sister, filling her in on Jean’s adventures and good thing she’s not a judge or anything. Oh wait… For once, Nina (Lucy Akhurst) doesn’t have any snappy retorts but she does have a contract for her sister to sign to protect privilege.

Jean is spilling EVERYTHING but DCI Squire calls for a break just as he gets caught up to live time.

And really? Police really do that as someone is mid-flow like that? I am starting to be very worried about DCI Squire that I formerly quite liked.

Jean runs over to see Claire (Tanya Fear) in the interim to say goodbye, it feels like he’s tidying up loose ends. Their last kiss and her news about her mum “she’s dying” were gorgeous in their passion and vulnerability.

Martin has popped in to see Nelson but gets Sonny (Kate Magowan), who invites him in for tea and worries about his coughing and his brutalised face.

And NELSON walks into the police interview room and I KNEW IT!! That’s why Squire was telegraphing all that discomfort. Of course he owns the police. Jean was holding something back, the DCI knows, as part of the negotiation process and then she uses her interrogation techniques on Jean FOR Nelson. Bastage!

Jean calls Nelson a cancer; but Nelson will not take that from Jean Bastiere who barely has the shape of anything. He describes DCI Squire and her situation and how different it was from Tom Kendrick, who was greedy and foolish. Jean has heard enough of Nelson: “you’re not a philosopher. You’re just a thug that read a book once. Nothing more.” DCI Squire rings Kendrick’s widow and they find out about Fallowfield, so he must not have given up the video tape yet.

Martin asks Sonny how many kids she thinks Nelson got hooked on heroin to pay for their house? He says he’s not judging, he just wants to know how she rationalizes it. She’s a champion compartmentalizer; she thinks Nelson is kind and supportive and she can’t give him any more painkillers, but she does have a tin of medical grade marijuana hidden. Martin has come to offer his life for Jean’s, but Sonny says he won’t die today.

Joey (Doug Allen) and Squire are searching Fallowfield while Sonny and Martin…they have a definite chemistry. I don’t understand how Martin thinks that will work, but then, I guess if you think you’re going to die this day or the other, you may as well enjoy the pull of that bagina-hair while you can.

Squire doesn’t understand why Nelson is keeping Jean so close when Jean is causing nothing but trouble; she lectures him on turning down the good life offered and that’s a bit rich, innit? Cop advising someone to take a bribe and enjoy it?

Her father, who told Squire not to trust anyone, she says is was a weak man, an alcoholic, and she figured out at a young age how much effort is expended denying the inevitable. At that same time, Jean was learning that it’s murder to dislodge an axe from someone’s skull, so whatever lady.

Nelson’s had just about enough of Jean’s shenanigans, and like Squire, I wonder why he’s put up with quite so much already. He has Joey drag Jean down by the slough and demands, gun to Jean’s head, “what am I looking for?” That doesn’t seem enough motivation, so Joey repeatedly dunks Jean’s head under the dank, dirty water. Jean surrenders to the water and starts to see visions of the man he killed and Martin threw in the lake.

A squeamish Squire wanders off and finds several rolls of duct tape, which she brings back to show Nelson: water tight is about right. And now Nelson has the video tape and Jean has no leverage at all.

Maddy is dressing for the party, she takes off her robe in front of Martin and ohhh noooo, it’s MARTIN she likes. Martin’s face when he realises.

That’s her uncle (and I wonder if maybe her dad), I mean, it happens, but for the love of FECK, I wish her dad would stop being such an asshole and spend some time with her before these Daddy issues get any worse. Martin closes the door and she’s mortified and I feel just so terrible for her.

Jean barely makes it out of Fallowfield alive, and that is only because Squire says she’s a senior detective and Jean’s been seen several times with her throughout the day at the knick. I assume that is not this Knick?

Or these Knicks?

But a fancy English word for a police station. So she’s bought Jean some more time. Martin gets a call…Sonny has decided to stay in town after all. They meet at a swanky apartment, she fingers her wedding rings and he drinks while Etta James plays. “Don’t Go To Strangers” indeed.

They make the beast with two backs (GREAT breast shot) and it’s all much fancier than neighbour Lorraine up against a brick wall outside, but amounts to the same, really. She says that it can’t happen again, she doesn’t do this, and he says of course not, because that’s what everyone says. I have Third Rate Romance by Sammy Kershaw going through my head as we speak and as Martin finds her chain with a coin medallion tucked in underneath the bed and tucks it into his pocket.

Joey is going after Yilmaz while Nelson watches, and I quite sincerely thought that was a trap, so I’m confused. Joey shoots Yilmaz twice, once in each shoulder and everything is hinky about that scene.

Jean has gone back to Veysel’s death scene, in walks Charlie (Abubakar Salim), the detective from earlier, just to tell Jean that while the scene looked like pure crime scene retribution, there was an added personal twist of someone having sex with the wife’s dead body and we all know who that was. So: either Nelson is wrong and Victor’s been trying to love bodies back into existence for quite some time, or Victor is devolving and not able to control himself any more. NONE of this looks good for Julie.

Oh man. Things are getting very irrevocable feeling up in here: Jean, who most definitely had a target on his back previously has one branded with hot gun barrels now. Martin has slept with the (mob) bosses’ wife, Maddy has a crush on her uncle, Julie is more involved than is safe, the police are compromised, it’s a STEW. One big MicMac stew and we’ll have three more episodes to figure out what’ll happen. Until next time!

One quick note: I am watching the extended cuts of Spotless on Netflix and I canea BELIEVE how much they cut of the original series, Miranda Raison and Jemma Donovan are practically non-existent in the version I saw and that was my sole complaint about the show: not enough layered female characters. There they are! So glad I’m getting to see them in their glorious entirety.