This has been a gripping season of The Five but I will say it now: iffin they don’t spill who / where / what Jesse is by the end, Imma be piiii-choked. I will be choked. Let’s see what E7 has for us, since E6 dumped a Boaty McBoatface-sized load of information just at the very last minute.

We open at a masked intruder searching Julie’s home in the dark in the most inefficient way possible with a small torch, waking Julie. She in turn wakes up Alan, who steps out carefully in the hallway to say “Hello?” and then gives chase. We all think it was Jesse, who else would be going through the family home in the middle of the night in a hoodie with a happy face on the back? Alan has to give it up when he steps on some glass on the porch, which flashes him back to a wee Jesse biting through a glass and ending up with a bloody mouth.

Mark’s questioning Slade; did he set out to kill Newman? And what about the other guy? We get a name, yay! It was Dempsey, and he since he hasn’t had near enough screen time to be Jesse, we can continue ignoring. Mark understands about Slade killing Dempsey, but I’d say it’s a tetch more understandable that he killed Jay. All those girls.

Slade shows us that killing, all spurty and whatnot, now we just need to see the bit right after that when Jesse comes and cuts himself shaving all over Newman’s dead body. Oh well, it’s all about Mark and Jesse, isn’t it? Mark is furious that nobody got to question Newman about Jesse, but I bet those rescued girls about to be abused again give not one airborne fig about the whereabouts of our elusive possible murderer Jesse. Neither does Slade, he was trying to protect Britnay, and that’s dirty pool to point out that isn’t what happened, Mark. But it goes back to the whole not being judge, jury and executioner bit; none of us are unbiased and we can control very little.

Just then Danny calls and they’re off to Julie’s house. Is there just the one detective in all of London? It looked like a big station, no wonder Danny’s always looking so tired. Julie’s checked and some family photos are missing, there was a backpack and nobody knows what’s going on, really, but we’re all meant to think it was Jesse.

Danny gets home to his FURIOUS wife; he ran off in the middle of the night, just leaving notes for the kids – look, one each! AND he left them with Ray, which isn’t safe by any means, and he needs to address this, and NOW. Oh no, she’s left him. I misunderstood when she said she’d be back when he got it sorted out. The battle lines are clearly drawn; she’s not staying unless he puts Ray in a home and he will not do so. OR, Ray can stay with Sarah (Alicia Charles), Danny’s sister, who hasn’t been involved in Ray’s care whatsoever. They end with kissing but no real decision made. Marriage and families are tough, y’all.

Alan and Julie are arguing gently about whether the intruder was Jesse or not (me and Julie know what’s up, we are absolutely supposed to think it was, although the part about stealing photos makes me wonder if someone was trying to make someone look more like Jesse. Given that the series is a Harlan Coben-helmed affair, and there are no NBA players so far, I have to assume that someone is trying to give the appearance of Jesse being alive, as opposed to Jesse ACTUALLY being alive), they go to sleep without resolution as well. Whoever said “never go to bed angry” has critically underestimated how exhausting it is to argue with someone who has decades worth of ammunition to use against you.

Danny’s reviewing Jesse’s case files and staring at the bat that his dad implied he beat Jesse to death with, but Danny spent that day crying at the graves of Hannah and Jodie, Frank’s two kids killed in a car crash a few years previous.

Mark’s trying to talk to his dad, but Alan doesn’t want to hear it! If Jesse was alive, why wouldn’t he call them? Get in contact? And if he is gone, it wasn’t their fault and they have to let it all go.

Ray’s having an episode at the house, looking for the baseball bat, he wants to protect his son! Danny clearly explains what he was doing that day (so told you that was a red herring) and that’s where I got all that from up there ^^. Danny cries; he can’t believe his dad thought he was a murderer this whole time and yes, he’s smoking again. Danny says he loves his dad, but his dad wants a cigarette, focus Danny! Talk is cheap, light him up! I immediately worried about what would happen in this Ray is left at home smoking while taking care of Danny’s kids. I mean

Mark is doing his meditative therapy run through the woods WHERE HE LEFT HIS FIVE YEAR OLD BROTHER ALONE TO FEND FOR HIMSELF, but he isn’t alone. Someone is watching, lurking behind the trees. It’s happy-face-hoodie-MaybeJesse!

Pru is sending Stuart and kiddo off to school; his mom is coming for a visit, how about the MIL watches Niko and they go away for a romantic weekend? Hey, then he won’t have to track her phone, she can just hand it over so he can answer all her texts and calls! Much less stressful for him! She agrees to go away with AtrociousAmericanAccent and I can only hope she’s doing a Smile Lots and Pack When He’s Gone move.

There’s a Glam Rock Charity gig that night, don’t forget, Danny, says Mickey! Okay, we get it, Danny is Joe Friday and all business and he will not truck with smiling or breathing through unflared nostrils, enough. Although I’ll stop complaining if Danny and Mickey do a sort of New York Dolls look! Twisted Sister! Do Twisted Sister!

Danny is NOT happy to see Mark representing Payne (Pain? Payne!! Niall Greig Fulton) in the interrogation room, can he have a word? Wow. I’ve never actually seen anyone Mansplain TO a man before, it was the extra bit of hand gesturing that took it beyond just mere patronizing. But this is what Mark does, Danny, let’s get back to it, shall we?

Back in the interrogation room, Payne gets everyone’s attention immediately with the news that Porter had ordered the murder of a woman who worked for him: Selena Callaway. Payne says killing Porter was a preemptive strike and that other guy, FauxJoe, just got in the way.

He identifies Harry Dempsey as the man who killed Selena Callaway, but can’t confirm him as the age-progressed picture of Jesse. I forgot that Danny and Ally don’t know that Slade killed Dempsey, so was confused as to why they were wasting all this time on this line of inquiry. Carry on, as you were! Harry was completely indistinguishable, but the last time Payne saw him, they were running a scam out of the Old Town Hotel.

Danny and Ally are off to see MiddleNameLeonard (Kevin Eldon)! He gives the coppers a hard time, turns out he’s a de-frocked lawyer! And a terrible witness, too, he adds. Ally asks to see the Envy room and MiddleNameLeonard thinks that’s a great idea! He’d like her feedback on the new colour scheme; since they’ve completely redecorated. He does give them something slightly useful, intimating that perhaps Harry WON’T be back to give him a hard time.

Danny’s newly acquired smoking habit is useful after all! He’s hiding outside for a puff when he sees Harry’s bright yellow car clamped and gets a bit closer, even his smoker’s nose can smell a body gone off, not to mention all the flies. Now the DNA testing!

Danny’s phone rings, they’ve found something else in Newman’s yard: Gulliver’s Travels, which Jesse was carrying under his arm when HIS BROTHER SHOOED AWAY HIS FIVE YEAR OLD SELF TO GO HAVE FUN WITH HIS FRIENDS.

Pru is walking with Mark, she feels so badly for how she treats Stuart, he’s just trying to be kind! Or controlling, one of those. At least she admits she doesn’t want to go away with him, his touch makes her skin crawl (me TOO! Just watching it I need a shower), and he means to tell her about what’s going on, but just then she’s called away.

Mickey is really on about this Glam Rock gig tonight, attendance is mandatory! Danny is dealing with family angst and a distraught partner but finally agrees to call his sister; he’d like Jennifer’s help so he doesn’t back out. Oh! He doesn’t call his sister, he just shows up at her yoga studio with his dad, a suitcase and hands Ray over like a toddler on a sleepover. Noice, Danny!

Mark’s poking around in the woods, finding charred bits of wood. He tells Pru about it, he thinks MaybeJesse’s been making campfires in the woods. Pru thinks that’s mad; why would Jesse go back to where he disappeared from? He’s going back there to find out, she wants to come stay out all night with him again. They act as though they’re flirting but honestly, do these two actors hate each other? Or are they close relatives in real life? They have the chemistry of two kids stuck together on a bench outside the head counselor’s office at camp.

Awww, Danny’s all frisky now that he’s appeased his wife and got his dad off his plate; I didn’t mention it before, but he’s never introduced Jennifer to the people he works with. That’s typically been the case when someone has a sidepiece at work, but I see no signs of that so far. Still, that’s odd. She wants to get her drank on at the party! They’re at the pub for Glam Rock Night, woo hoo! Aluminum PopMetal is my JAM!

Karl’s rubbing his genitals in public and humping the air as per usual, and Danny is very sad to learn that there will be no alcoholic beverages available for imbibing this evening. I could have just put “it was a dry party” but what fun would that have been? It’s a police charity fundraiser; no drinking and driving tonight! Yay, Danny smiled earlier and I was worried, but now he’s back to frowning and all is right with the world on The Five.

Mickey is in a barrister’s wig and a Sgt. Pepper jacket with the Firefly band, Karl’s shaking his wee heiny at Ally, but remember, dry party means he hasn’t got a chance. She wanders over and asks Danny and Jennifer to dance, the latter of which agrees and leaves the former holding her purse and softdrink.

Pru and Mark have arrived in the woods; why is she there instead of Slade she asks? I hope she turned her phone off or it’s about to get much more populated in this here forest. Mark spots Happy-Face-Hoodie and takes off running; “I’ll just wait in the car, will I?” asks Pru, rhetorically.

Mark chases MaybeJesse to a well-guarded building, Security throws him out while Mark calls Danny. They tell him there is only one entrance / exit in this massive building and …really?

Oh no. One date. One night out on the town and Danny is about to go rushing off after MaybeJesse for Mark. Not just him, though, he’s bringing every other cop in attendance that isn’t rocking a glam rock wig and leaving Jennifer. Sigh.

Danny arrives as Mark calls Pru; go home and Mark’ll see her tomorrow. He’s got MaybeJesse treed and Danny’s about to send in the hounds.

Several police officers search the massive building by torchlight, nobody’s there! What a surprise! I did not see that coming! (Stevie Wonder saw that coming) The coppers all leave, perhaps convinced that Mark may not be in full possession of all off his marbles. One entrance / exit, really?

Mark calls his mom, his dad the sex object has been drinking all day and is gently unruly, sliding down the stairs on his face. Mark goes back to his pint with Slade feeling sorry for himself and going on about how Slade kills people, Slade and I don’t know if we’d go shouting that.

Mark knows people think he’s mad for chasing someone nobody else saw, but he believes in himself: he sor him!

The next morning, going through files in his office, he pulls out his box of clippings about Jesse. Danny is trying to work out why somebody wanted them to think that Jesse had been at Newman’s house; the copy of Gulliver’s Travels that was found was a reprint from 2005, 10 years after Jesse went missing. It’s a red herring! And yes, I think someone is screwing with you, Danny, fyi. Someone IS setting you up deliberately and my money is on Harlan Coben. Oh right, right, in the show I will go with JokeyCurly, who is Ken Howells, or JokeyStraight aka Karl.

Just then, they get a note from Ken: Jakob Marosi wants to see Danny. Ooooooh! Who else was lying about that day indeed! And we’re out.

So. As I say, I really think the key here is in the evidence. Who could have planted blood inconspicuously? A crime scene tech, or someone expected to be at crime scenes, like Ken (JokeyCurly) or Jesse himself, which, given how obvious Happy-Face-Hoodie (okay, I know it’s a backpack now but I’m not going back and changing it all) has been in laying clues out carefully, seems unlikely. And that leaves someone we haven’t met, which is always a possibility, I just don’t think very likely. Ken or Karl it is: done. Or Alan. Did I mention Alan as a suspect? Nah, it’s not usually the dads, especially the well-adjusted ones that are cool being seen in lace shorty nighties. I’ll try to get another one done before the weekend, you lot! Cheers!