There is almost much more drama off the show than on The Hills: New Beginnings itself, I’ll try to update as we go along! Let’s roll into S1:E05 after the break!

We open on the beach with Audrina Patridge looking sad, again, they must have their own dedicated spot! She’s here to meditate with Mischa Barton, who couldn’t believe she made it to 33. I also didn’t think I would make 30 when I was in my twenties!

They immediately disregard their newfound zen and discuss the kerfuffle at the club last week, when Audrina’s pal Joey stirred allllls the shite about Audrina’s ex Justin Brescia (Bobby) and Stephanie Pratt.

It was Joey’s supposition that Stephanie and Justin Bobby were already sleeping together while he half-heartedly pursued Audrina. By that I mean Joey cackled and called Justin a liar while everyone didn’t know where to look.

Audrina doesn’t know why Justin Bobby would kiss her then lie about it to Stephanie, why do that? She and Mischa decide that everyone should just tell the truth always.

Speaking of the Pratts! Spencer is taking the two moms in his life out for dinner, his mother Janet and his wife Heidi Montag. I wonder how she’s doing away from their son Gunner. She had a lot of anxiety leaving him at the beginning of the season and now she’s out filming all the time. Be well, mama!

Spencer gives us an update on Pratt Daddy Crystals (I can’t believe I just typed Pratt Daddy, ack, I did it again!!) event, it cost $80k but their sales have increased. Increased past $80k, Spencer? Hm?

He brings up Stephanie, of course, they managed to be civil at the party, so there’s that!

Across town, Stephanie herself is dining with Ashley Wahler (wife of LC’s ex Jason Wahler – sorry for how lame that identification is, but how would you know??) and Mischa, who refuses to get up for a hug. She’s not really sure how to be friends with both Stephanie and Audrina in this sitch.

The whole gang is heading off to Las Vegas to watch Brody Jenner DJ a set, but Ashley and Jason won’t be joining them. Jason has struggled with addiction issues the whole time we’ve known him, the last time they were in Vegas he lost hundreds of thousands of dollars and started drinking again. They had to sell their house. So yeah no, they won’t be going to Vegas.

Spencer and Heidi aren’t going either, they’re going to a charity event with Jason and Ashley. Spencer and Brody used to be really tight, but they haven’t hung out for years. Spencer’s mom Janet is trashtalking Brody at the exact same time in a synchronized display of Brody’s A Jerk.

Brody himself is packing with his (soon to be estranged) wife Kaitlynn Carter for the trip to Las Vegas, if you have to ask “is that a hole or another stain?” maybe that isn’t a shirt to bring with you. Since Brody isn’t talking to Spencer, he’s been relying heavily on newbie Brandon Lee for friendship. For the record, Brandon is the son of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.

**Side note: before I go any further, we gotta talk about the news that broke last week about Kaitlynn Carter and Miley Cyrus. Brody and Kaitlynn announced that A) they were splitting and B) they were never married anyway. Kaitlynn did NOT descend into obscurity as one would predict, but rather showed up in tabloids making out with none other than recently separated Miley Cyrus. Two extremely slender sexually fluid young women made the world lose their collective damn mind. And that’s where we are now. It should be noted that 1) I KNEW Kaitlynn and Brody were swingers and 2) the only fights we saw were about Brody not wanting to have kids. How does that fit in?

Brandon is in the middle of preparing for his first film lead role/first acting job ever, he’s excited but feeling the pressure.

*Cast packing montage*

Audrina packs while Heidi drinks, seriously, I’ve not seen her without alcohol this entire series I don’t think. Audrina is trying not to blame Stephanie for Justin Bobby’s latest bullshit, but it’s hard.

They’re at The Venetian! Frankie Delgado rolls up with Stephanie and Justin Bobby, everyone is lighthearted until news of the Malibu fires hits. Brody wants to stay behind and protect his and his mom’s houses, Kaitlynn and literally everyone else with a functioning knowledge of insurance thinks that’s nuts.

So now Brody is not going to be in Vegas, but his pals are there to support him. Frankie’s freaked out but willing to party it out, Brody would want that.

But. Would he?

Audrina and Mischa show up next, it’s so awkward between Audrina and Stephanie and Justin Bobby. Justin’s worried about Brody, but Stephanie’s already bored and over that. Moving on!

She coooooold.

Frankie goes on to talk about Justin and Audrina dating, it’s so so so very even more awkward and Audrina has to adjust her hat three times to deal. Audrina points out that there have always been a lot of middlemen in hers and Justin’s relationship, nobody likes Middlemen! Mischa’s over it, time to go gamble!

Frankie is one of those shit stirrers who covers his actions under a guise of “getting things out in the open.” I still like him but then he shares the stuff from Joey and I’m uncomfortable. Especially when Stephanie says she’s going to call Audrina out in front of everyone about the kiss.

I think it’s hilarious that Justin Bobby thinks his defense for the kiss he undoubtedly gave Audrina is that it didn’t count because he “didn’t feel anything.”

Heidi and Spencer are all fancy! And at the Legacy of Vision Gala for the Los Angeles Mission for the Homeless with Jason and Ashley Wahler. Awwww Dr. Drew Pinsky is there, who else remembers him?! He used to be everywhere! Jason is on the board of the Los Angeles Mission with Dr. Drew, it’s helped him solidify his new life. Or something like that.

Jason refuses wine at supper, he’s allergic! He breaks out in handcuffs, suggests Spencer, and I legit clutched where my pearls might have been. It’s only been 8 months since his last relapse, be well, Jason. Addiction is a BEAST.

Heidi suggests a toast to solidify their couple friendship with Jason and Ashley, woooo! Then Jason gets up to do a speech, Dr. Drew won an award!

The fires are out of control back in Malibu, Audrina checks in with Kaitlynn, who’s at Linda Thompson’s condo without Brody, who is standing watch over their house. Kaitlynn is extremely frustrated and stressed out.

The Las Vegas gang dress to go out, gdamn Justin Bobby got even cuter with age. How is that possible? And why is he wearing a tiny hair clip from Ardene?

Champers for everyone, woooo!

Justin Bobby isn’t here for this drama.

Audrina knows that the truth always comes out.

Out of nowhere, Michael Utsinger shows up, everyone cheers. He brings up Brody right away, Stephanie’s pissed. Is this what tonight’s going to be about? The fires? She’s here to party, damnit!

She coooooooold.

She also is ready to throw down over what Joey said, calling Joey a bitch and suggesting she shut her mouth. THEN I think she calls Audrina a bitch, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Audrina looks like she’s going to burst into tears at any moment.

Stephanie addresses the issue head on: she is not hooking up with Justin Bobby, full stop. Audrina asks her to stop shittalking her friend while Justin mugs and rolls his eyes in the corner.

Mischa tries to say something, Stephanie cuts her off rudely and Audrina sticks up for her pal. Why is Justin not speaking up? He wants NOTHING to do with this dramz. Frankie is all of us as Stephanie declares war on the girls into Michael Utsinger’s armpit.

Justin Bobby finally speaks and it’s about the fires. Everyone rolls their eyes and finally it’s time to go to the club!

At the club Justin and Audrina dance and dance right until he asks Stephanie if she wants to get out of there. Oh noooooo.

I feel sad for Audrina. She’s just always getting hurt by this guy, she’s so fragile. She doesn’t seem able to assert herself. Hugs, lady.

The Malibu fires rage on, as far as we know Brody is still defying the mandatory evacuation order but we don’t know for sure as Kaitlynn can’t reach him.

And we’re out!

No we’re not! We have a bonus scene with Mischa and Ashley shopping together!

And talking about the crystal party meltdown of Joey’s. Again. Did we need another scene discussing that stupid triangle? We got one anyway, thanks for that and now we’re finally oot! Cheers

Also: Mischa is looking GORGEOUS this episode! I mean absolutely beautiful! Dose bones.