Hi everyone and welcome back to The Magicians! I’m excited because for the first time, I don’t have to borrow gifs from Tumblr for this show! The Magicians is an extremely gif-fable show and I am looking forward to seeing what the gang has been up to! Rolling Knight of Crowns after the break

So, does everyone remember where we were? You could go back and read my recap of the last episode of season one Have You Brought Me Little Cakes? or marathon it. Your choice!

It was looking pretty grim, except for Julia (Stella Maeve) holding that special knife to Martin Chatwin’s (Charles Mesure) throat.

Quentin (Jason Ralph) is running and running and screaming and nobody  is answering in this “motherf*cking g*ddamn magical forest.”

A woman steps out of her gingerbread cottage (that’s what it looks like!) to offer assistance, he must be so tired after being chased. Usually people are being chased, but no, she’s not a witch, she’s a healer! Or a

RUNNNNNNNNNNN Q!!!!!! All her help will cost is an In with the new High King of Fillory (hay Eliot hay!!!) and one vial of blood. Do NOT give that woman your blood! Have you seen her teeth, Quentin? She makes meth look like it’s on a dental plan.

Alice (Olivia Taylor Dudley) is alive!! She couldn’t be killed because she’s god-powered, thanks to, er, Ember’s largesse. She healed Penny’s (Arjun Gupta) hands and everything, yay! Kinda.

Alice thinks her moment’s hesitation is what got them all (sorta) killed, but hey, here’s Margo (Summer Bishil) and Eliot (Hale Appleman) so let’s focus on them for a mo’! Margo’s pissed, though, this is all Julia’s fault! Well, kinda it was, but she’s under control of what Reynard the Fox did to her, so she’s not really to blame.

Plus I might have misunderstood what Julia’s green-eye-flash meant at the end of last season; maybe she’s not pregnant from Reynard’s rape.

The Gardening Enthusiast (Karin Konoval) won’t give Quentin his blood back, be careful of the creatures in the woods of Fillory; they only LOOK whimsical.

They don’t have the Leo Blade any more, but they all need to juice up from Martin’s Wellspring and then they’ll be able to work. Alice is the only one who can open the portal; as Margo puts it

How long does, er, Ember’s god-juice last for Alice? The Wellspring isn’t usable, though, so what are they gonna do? Margo is almost feral in her frustration and anger, what are they going to DO?

Eliot passes a flask and perks things up as only he can

Martin and Julia end up in…a ball pit? At a Chuck E. Cheese? And then he puts ketchup on pizza and I need a minute. She wants to use that knife on Reynard, that’s why she screwed over all of her friends and the entire land of Fillory: totally worth it. I mean that sincerely.

She gets an agreement to not hurt Quentin or the gang, I’m SURE that was meant on Martin’s part.

Quentin’s gone back to the books for help on how to get Martin without the knife; he finds a reference to Rupert Chatwin using the books in the Armory for intelligence then petitioning Ember and Umber for strength. Maybe there’s something in the Armory, since they think it helped Rupert win WWII for the Allies and all.

On the way to The Armory, can they stop by the Chatwin Torrent?

They set off in two groups, Margo with Penny (who will be wiping his own arse, tyvm), the rest with Quentin and Alice, who’s attached part of the Wellspring trapdoor to her arm as a barometer to see when the god-juice wears off. Good thinking!

Alice is so drawn to horses! But the carriage going by doesn’t recognise Eliot as the High King, and they probably won’t be able to get into Whitespire without an actual crown, so they better do a little coronation research. Eliot gets to choose the other kings and queens, which makes Q stop

Eliot comes up with a spell to take them to the Armory, follow the flowers!

Martin mocks Julia for going after Reynard, exactly what is she going to do when she gets in his presence? Everything she can

Reports of a multi-body homicide missing hearts in Florida, go there! Of course Florida. Martin finds a clue to Reynard’s whereabouts, they’re off again.

Penny gets some not great news at the river; Margo’s going to have to sew his hands back on before they’ll heal. Nekkid bum!

The attendant at Chatwin’s Torrent (J.P. Manoux) helps them, hits on Margo and eventually wants his twenty gold pieces, please and thank you. I have a feeling this guy is one of the not-whimsical whimsical-looking types the witch was talking about. Penny questions whether or not he’s even affiliated with the Torrent and then stomps off refusing to pay this snake oil salesman. Margo tries to make it better, but little dude is mad and casts a spell on Penny’s hands as they walk away

Martin’s cast a net for Reynard; it’s obscure but infallible, he’ll need some supplies because they have to act fast once they have the Fox in hand. Julia’s going to go search those out on her own, Martin asked to be left at a playground. He likes to watch the children play. You know, statistics have it that some of the people molested as children like to be left at playgrounds to watch kids and DO NOT LEAVE HIM AT A PLAYGROUND, JULIA. You’ve already been to Chuck E. Cheese!!

Margo and Penny catch up with the gang, let’s do this! Margo calls High Queen! But there’s something wrong with Penny’s hands…

Lookit the pretty bridge!

They play Sleeping or Dead? with the Knight of Crowns, who accidentally died while waiting for them,his bad. Okay, let’s get this coronation party started! They just have to pass a test!

First question: what popular American television program stars Tyne Daly? I know!!! I know!!! OOH OOH!!!! Cagney and Lacey!!! Oh. TIM Daley. Wings?

Next question: this hit single by offspring of famous entertainers, I knew what it was right away: Wilson Phillips, even without the hint of “Beach Boys”. Alice and Margo get it right away

This guy is the same age as me!! Oh. Well, I’m slightly less grey.

Now that we know it’s the 90s, Eliot has an ace up his sleeve! Me and him, any time, any where:

Ermagahd and then he re-enacts the last scene from Dirty Dancing

DEAD

Now THAT’S what all coronations should be like!!!!

Quentin stops Eliot from just slamming his own crown on his head and gives a great speech dubbing Our Elliot the High King of Fillory. Eliot gives Margo the Destroyer hers and I maybe cried a little

Then it’s on to Queen Alice the Wise and finally: Margo crowns Quentin. Not by saying something cruel and hilarious as usual, but with a heartfelt speech she dubs him King Quentin, the Moderately Socially Maladjusted.

Penny’s hands are really, really bad. He’s gotta go back.

Quentin mumbled an apology to Alice while being crowned, kinda saying sorry for having sex with Eliot and Margo while in a relationship with her, but she just hopes one day they can be friends again and isn’t that the truth? She hates that he did this shitty thing so she had to lose him entirely.

They move onto talking about the upcoming battle; she’s worried she’ll freeze under pressure. He thinks composure is just a muscle that needs to be flexed, let’s go grow a tree!

And then they kiss and make up, yay!! Even though she takes a second to make sure he knows they aren’t getting back together.

Martin is gently probing Julia as to why she’s so determined to go after Reynard. After all, he was raped repeatedly as a child by the person caring for him and it taught him: there is strong and there is weak. I would argue that there is evil and there is pain, but I wouldn’t suggest she spend any more time getting chummy with Martin.

Martin can see something inside Julia; there’s a shade inside her that makes her believe the pain will burn her until there is nothing. Ahhh I bet he suggests she deaden herself to that so she can be strong. He offers her a partnership and it’s a testament to how low she is feeling that she even considers it.

The gang has made it to Whitespire, time to go in and meet hoi poloi! Eliot’s charming wife Fen (Brittany Curran) introduces him to the people who WERE in charge, before the Earth people arrived. Tick Pickwick (Rizwan Manji) is super perky but there are some problems, see. For one, the throne room is locked and no key, but there’s no time for that! To the Armory!

Oh wow, not many books left, but Alice gets a clue from a spell book missing all its spells. Back to Brakebills it is! Yay!

Penny’s a shite apologizer, which I totally expected, but he’s going to have to sweeten the pot more than he thinks, especially if he’s to hold a special position shortly, as the river troll intimates. He doesn’t get any help, just his own attitude back in spades. What special position??

Eliot’s poring over his country’s books when Quentin finds him, there’s a LOT to do. Enemies everywhere and a magic deficit, THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT CHAMPAGNE IS!! He’s going to invent it, be the Champagne King.

There’s such a lovely vibe with these two, I wish for more Queliot but I’m glad they have this friendship anyway. Especially since Eliot might end up spending his whole life with his beard of a wife and then dying alone after weird time differences between Fillory and Earth. They hug and I hope, but nope: friends. Not even one little bum squeeze, dang it.

Good lord, Julia, putting yourself in the hands of Martin The Beast to get rid of your shade, which only HE told you about and which only HE told you you’d be better off without, come ON! How could anyone trust this guy???

It’s to take away her emotion, not JUST the pain and sorrow. He takes it out, then she makes him put it back, I guess not liking how she felt. That was a good call, Julia! Don’t give up your soul to kill Reynard! And we’re oot

Wow, lots happened! We’re just blowing into this season, aren’t we? Woot! It’s so great to see everyone again! Even if most people are completely different, Eliot so drawn, Margo so angry, Penny so anxious. Only nervy Alice and awkward Quentin seem the same. Until next time, you guys!