Hi guys, welcome back to The Magicians where everything’s a mess but at least KF was right about Alice! Alice? Who the niffin is Alice? Come see!

So Alice (Olivia Taylor Dudley) is still very much alive; stuck in Quentin’s (Jason Ralph) cacodemon tattoo trap which means that she’s with him every waking moment of every day. Yaaaaay.

We open with Quentin in the library, being front-chased by Alice screaming at him to stop ignoring her; she can’t go anywhere until he releases her. As you can probably tell from the ‘STOP IGNORING ME, P*SSY!!” it’s not really Alice, but like her evil twin with a better hair straightener.

Quentin is researching how to save her, he thinks that’s what Real Alice would want. NiffinAlice reminds him that their relationship ended with Eliot’s dick in his mouth while I make a note to myself to search out fanfic. The Queliot film reel was ridiculously short. NiffinAlice is super bored and extry angry but Quentin’s just trying to help. He gets teary-eyed as he puts something shaped like a small coffin on the desk; does that keep her at arm’s length? Because she moves across the room to shout and groan.

Julia (Stella Maeve) and Kady (Jade Tailor) have made it to the shady, shady place that’s supposed to help Julia were her unborn godling. So this looks not helpful but totally hilarious

They don’t seem happy with it either and argue after in not-English while Julia and Kady stare at each other. Butcher 1 (Alexandra Bokyun Chung) gets her way and Moon (Tora Kim) stalks off while the first butcher explains: this is not an abortion, but an exorcism and the longer the baby is inside Julia, the more it will affect her essence. So hand over the million dollars and they’ll get right to it.

Oh, and in gold. Two big bars, done!

Julia:

Then she laughs; remember when not having enough money was actually her biggest problem? She jokes about robbing a bank, but Kady’s totally up for that. That’s how we met Kady! She was stealing stuff for Marina to pay off her mom’s debt.

Tick Pickwick (Rizwan Manji) is trying to carefully explain Reality to our High King and High Queen; Eliot (Hale Appleman) would like to take the declaration of war back, please? But Margo (Summer Bishil) has no such plan, full steam ahead on attacking Loria! Tick brings up all those inconvenient things (like un-beshatting The Wellspring) and war costs a lot of money, see and THAT Margo understands.

Looks like we have all kinds of Magicians that need bars of gold!

Julia and Kady are checking out a bank, there’s some magical residue from wards around the vault, that’s weird, isn’t it? A regular bank using magical wards? The HaxenPaxen (Jason Burkhart – BC represent!) starts making noise from where they’ve got him stuck in the trunk; he’s sensed an evil invisible presence that starts attacking our Best Bitches. Julia is allllmost choked out (is it weird that I was worried about the baby when she flew backwards?) when he bursts out of the trunk and fights their enemy until a stab from a bloody wooden spoon stops him.

…wooden spoon?

Aww and the Stinkmonster is dead, poor dude. And they need to get to safety, even if Julia’s not going to like it.

They’re back at Brakebills with Professor Lipson (Keegan Connor Tracy) and Dean Fogg (Rick Worthy) diagnosing exactly what the butcherlady already said: the baby-to-be is mixing with Julia’s essence. They recommend getting a mudong (sp??); that’s what they were, not butchers at all! Well maybe also butchers.

Lipson puts it a little more clearly when she’s alone with the Dean

She thinks he should let the best bitches stay; the Dean’s gotta think it over.

Julia walks right by Quentin and heads up to Alice’s room, no way that’s a coincidence. It’s impossible for Quentin to talk because NiffinAlice (can I just call her N/A? That might be confusing) keeps interjecting in a really snotty way and while I feel like that about Julia as well, it’s annoying AF to watch.

I’d completely forgot that Julia and Q used to be besties; OR that she was physically able to smile at one time. Speaking of; Quentin’s been working out, yes? His arms are all veiny. He offers to help her; she has something specific in mind

NiffinAlice is IN

Penny (Arjun Gupta) is still rounding up stuff in Mayakovsky’s Scavenger Hunt, but politics are messing with his book search. And then there’s Kady. Oooh. He forgets how to breathe. And talk. He remembers how to do this, though!

Quentin finds Margo and Eliot: do they wanna rob a bank? Margo does!! Guess what Kady says first thing after she stops looking at her brain? Hey Penny, we should rob a bank!

But then there’s the tricky part…it’s for Julia, who everyone hates. Like, EVERYONE except Kady and she even got Kady’s mom killed. That is how much Julia sucks. She even killed her best friend’s MOM.

But they’ll do it because they’re “emotionally advanced. We can hold resentment and sympathy for a person at the same time.”

Now listen up, bitches, it’s Margo’s time to talk! She knows all about bank robbing (senior year. she had issues) and lays it out for everyone nice and clearly in a voice she stole from my youngest child’s preschool class. Why is she talking like she’s working through cold taffy stuck behind her teeth? ANYWAY, Penny is the one in danger; he can travel them in but if he touches the floor he’ll be stuck there and die of oxygen deprivation. He likes air!! Eliot’s gonna make him a belt (can I watch?) but everyone’s distracted by the invisible thing in the alley again, this time helpfully knocking lots of things around so we know it’s there.

Kady sends the team away, staying behind to fight Mr. Invisible. She needs its spoon.

Er

Kady goes right back to the Mudong; she recognised the spoon. Moon sent the goblins after Julia because she thinks the baby-to-be is to dangerous even now, the goblins will keep trying to murder Julia until Mudong gets her million dollars. The spoon was covered in menstrual blood, we all looked at Penny’s forehead where she smacked him, yes?

Team BankHeist has it’s targets in sight: Librarian, NeckBeard and WhitePrivilege. Kady gets sent after WP; she just has to get his finger in her mouth. EW. Now Kady has dude’s finger

And here comes Q with his prize!

Oh but he didn’t get his with his mouth, soooo

It’s showtime! Margo is so excited! Also not going in, you don’t have the brains of the operation in the mix, but wait, yes you do! What if something goes wrong?? Use a dummy for getaway driving!

The plan is in action; two security guards are boning and several bees have been released into the open air in the bank. Call in the exterminators! Reggae music plays while the gang casts in formation as Julia watches from safety at Brakebills.

Penny’s in!

And has a problem in that every time he adds weight (like a super heavy gold bar), he dips closer to the floor. If he can’t travel, he dies a hella gross death. He loads up and

has touched the floor. What now??

Penny manages to connect to Eliot through his dreams in Fillory (since its just Eliot’s golem at Brakebills while Eliot sleeps) and THAT IS JUST TOO COMPLICATED! Anyway, they’re out of time and the worst security guards ever didn’t get evacuated with everyone else because they were busy boning in a closet. Eliot has a plan.

It’s a tiny disco ball that forces whoever is around to dance and follow. Sure!

They have less than 4 minutes to get Penny out, even Alice couldn’t do that in a good day. Oh but NiffinAlice can; is Quentin ready to make a deal to save Penny? He is. She gets 30 minutes a day to stretch her magical muscles and he gets the combination to the bank vault. Done!

Penny saved! Now get oot! Times up; they’ve triggered battle magic, just as Julia figures out the Quarterback Spell; 15 seconds back, Jules!

Now they’re trapped in the vault with a battle magician waiting for them, Julia in the alley and only 4 15-second rewinds to do anything different. Just as they get to the last rewind (OF COURSE) Margo and Julia are snatched by the blood goblins and that’s it, time’s up. Eliot gets a slash across the heart before Kady gets to the magician, boom! Lights out, grab the bar of gold! Because that’s not Eliot, just his golem, best case scenario by far.

But is it? Back in Fillory Eliot convulses in bed as Fen (Brittany Curran) screams for help.

They make it to the alley as Julia is being strangled by the invisible goblin but Kady kills it with the fancy lightning whip she stole from the bank’s battle magician. Julia passes out and wakes in the butcher shop to find a concerned Kady leaning over. It worked, there’s no more demon-foetus but there was a complication…

BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE WAS

And we’re out until next week. Cheers!