Have  I mentioned how much I look forward to Top Chef every week? I DO!!!! And it’s time!!

We lost my Seattle Sweetie Jason Hawke (like Ethan) to a poorly poached trout; I really thought Carl was next, but now I’m eyeing up Philip again. He had a bad run for a couple of episodes, and he spoke back at Tom about not feeling as though his creativity was considered as important as matching the chef’s palates.

Marjorie brings up a good point; Phillip is amazing in that he opened a restaurant, but when she was that age she was working with a mentor who could help guide her to even better food. It’s like when you self-publish; you never edit enough and work can be a little free-form-y. I hear.

And. Um. Kwame was a drug dealer after his estrangement with his father, which almost got him sent home last week, and he used the evidence of his being a great drug dealer to help motivate himself to become a restauranteur. Um. I wouldn’t have guessed Kwame was anywhere near anything like selling drugs; he seems so clean cut. And smart. It was interesting to see the top two performers falter so thoroughly last week: Kwame and Jeremy have got to be feeling a bit of that heat for the first time.

Chad is doing some early morning grooming on his “fiery bush of hell” HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA on his face!!! He has a hipster beard extraordinaire:

The ladies are sharpening and cleaning their knives and as I said about Hell’s Kitchen: I find it very hard to believe that any real chef going into competition wouldn’t insist on using their own kit. They’re like their very sharp babies. The women figure the men have had it long enough: they’ll take it from here until the end.

Quickfire Challenge Time! There is a new Instagraham account that has attracted 30 thousand new followers in the few short months it has been in existence: the chef will remain anonymous, but @chefjacqueslamerde ‘s followers will be judging this Quickfire. They know la merde means shit, right? Someone does? Chef Jacques says he’s feeling soigné today and none of the chefs know what that means (hint: dressed elegantly or well groomed), and gives them the fancy food he wants them to use: all junk food all the time. Marjorie talks a little bit about her childhood, she wasn’t allowed much candy, but was a total chunk a dunk. She’s ME!! But like wayyyyyyy more talented in the kitchen.

Phillip is excited! He thinks a plating challenge is the SHITE and Isaac thinks that anyone who says they eat with their eyes (as P just did) should be stabbed with porkchop bones. This IS that kind of show, though, Isaac, although most of the time I am allllll with you.

Oooooh they have SPAM! I LOVE SPAM!! I never ever eat it and I think part of my mother’s soul just died right then, but it is DELISH in a canned lunchmeat way.

Awww, Isaac has two girls: Poppy and Ivy and they’re ADORABLE!! Philip gets pissy about Amar bumping his station while making camera fingers and yeah..he can go any time.

And now we’re meeting Jack the Shit! It’s Christine Flynn

and that’s why LA merde instead of LE merde: Reno, you paying attention??

Chef Flynne said she used to work in fine dining but felt as though she had lost her creativity. The food is not going to look great, sorry; for whatever reason, I only have a Standard Definition recording. I am disappoint.

Up first is Chad:

Then Amar, who won’t stop eating canned cheese of his hands:

Carl and his canned lunch meat of the garden:

Jeremy’s looks lovely:

Marjorie made bologna spaghetti *herk*:

Isaac’s doesn’t look all that bad! Chef Flynne even calls it “next level”

Kwame’s looks so good:

I do not like how Karen’s looks AT ALL but Padma digs it:

Phillip takes a good five minutes rearranging his plate under the light:

And nobody knows who wins until the following day. Instagraham followers will vote and I hope they keep it a secret RIGHT until final judging! That would be awesome!

Now we have the Elimination Challenge, or Real Challenge, as I like to call it; and it involves Chef Neal Fraser of Redbird who has no chin but many ideas.

Philip used to work for Chef Fraser as a linecook, he’s ‘cited.The challenge is something called a BeefSteak, wherein people get dressed up and eat a bunch of massive beef tenderloins and get schwasted. The Top Chefs will be working in teams of three to put together a traditional BeefSteak menu for 200 the following evening. The teams are:

Phillip, Amar and Jeremy

Blue Team: Isaac, Marjorie and Chad – Marjorie is pumped because she figures this is Isaac’s challenge for sure, given that he owns Toups Meatery

Red Team: Kwame, Karen and Carl and allow me to say that I’m glad Bahstan Carl spells his name with a C, yo.

The three rules of BeefSteak are no utensils, no plates and no napkins. Now, I’ve been to a Crab Boil like that (and it was AWESOME!!) but beef? They have to think about that.

Already I’m confused: a BeefSteak seemed to me to mean: beef. But the Blue Team is discussing chicken sausage (Isaac is SOOOO predictable) and fish and so far the only thing I agree with is Marjorie’s suggestion of making bread; it would work perfectly as a plate. Just tricky to make on location, I suggest bannock or naan? Either kind of Indian!

At the Red Team table, Kwame wants to do peel and eat shrimp, and I have the secret! Was a time I would starve to death before I got the tails off, now I know. Just squeeze and the bulkiest part; pops right off! Awesome. They’re doing asparagus and fingerling potatoes with a Spanish flavour profile and here I must jump in again: fingerling potatoes are BULLSHIT! Yeah, I know, they were trendy for a hot minute and oooh! They look like potatoes AND fingers but they are always dried and overcooked for any single meal I’ve had with them. Gimme a creamy red potato ANY DAY. Anywa, I think Bahstan is doing actual beef for the BeefSteak, good thinking!

On the Green Team, Philip (I’m spelling it every which way tonight!) wants to do a pull-apart rack of lamb and whew. For 200? Amar brings up the Beef part of BeefSteak again…Phillip insists on lamb. Jeremy is doing sides and Amar is? Cooking halibut! It costs $575!!! They get $2000, though. Wow

Chad was planning to do Black Cod, but there isn’t enough so he goes with 24 pounds of yellowfin tuna, which he is worried he won’t be able to make pretty and I worry will have him sent home. But really: Phillip and his lamb are the real targets tonight in my opinion.

Amar is splitting his halibut into big chunks for grilling; Isaac is grinding his chicken sausage. Did I say chicken sausage? I misspoke, I meant Chicken Bacon sausage: it’s 40% bacon! For the love of….this reminds me exactly of when a designer on Project Runway falls in love with a weird fabric at Mood (Mood has ALLLS the gorgeous weird fabrics) and then tries to make it fit the challenge instead of the other way around. He’s been DYING to make this, but is neither Beef nor Steak.

Oh noooo, Chad doesn’t know what to do with the tuna, so he’s decided to go Medieval, using words like “morbid”, “dark” “ash-crusted” and none of that looks OR sounds good.

Originally Phillip told us previously that he met and wooed his wife while working at a restaurant; now some other layers are coming in: he actually met her in Middle School and then ran into each other at a party and he wasn’t a hospitality industry shame shag after all. And he comes from a LOT of money, I gather, which explains his attitude and also his ownership of a restaurant at 26.

Marjorie is concerned about proofing her bread, she’s just started experimenting with bread by making focaccia every morning at her day job. This is one of the few areas on this show I feel qualified to speak: I make all our bread and have since my kids were all born. Her rolls look fine, she just needs to stop handling them so much.

Game time! I think Marjorie is flirting at Phillip?? He’s as confused as I am.

The Green Team is up first with Phillip’s lamb, Amar’s halibut and Jeremy’s fried Brussel sprouts & roasted carrots:

Colin Hanks laughs when Padma calls Amar’s tiny halibut portions pansy-ish, they call these dishes too dainty. They only like the lamb, so that ought to tell you what I know!

All the diners are very excited to see Isaac’s giant sausage coils, not so much Chad’s dainty dainty tuna. They are mad even, because the sausage coils looked RAD but didn’t taste RAD (ty Tom Hanks’s son), not enough fat they say. Whaaaatttt??

The diners are getting drunk, they give Chad a hard time about his microgreens and pretty looking plate. He’s confused. It’s Top Chef!

The Red Team gets lots of props for their shrimp until they are tasted…dry and under-seasoned and the beef was too small. And I’m so sorry, I forgot to take pictures! My bad! I stole some from Bravo, shhhhhhh!!

Basically, nobody did well. Now they find out who won immunity through the Quickfire Challenge with 5000 likes: Karen! Yay! Now they yell at the chefs for not giving them at all what they wanted: decadence and luxury. The Green Team wins! They really liked the fact that the lamb was on the bone; he has to win the challenge for that alone: and he does! Yay ChefTrustFund!

Marjorie, Chad and Isaac are in the bottom and I am so worried for my hipster right now…those microgreens may have sunk him and…we have to wait. Phillip compares Chad’s dish to Weezer showing up to a Metallica concert and in this case Chad is the Sweater Song and all anyone wants to hear is One.

And it is Chad. Damnit. Okay, I get it. Damnit. Those microgreens! Bai Chad!