Oh Wentworth, I MIST U! So we’re back in Australia with our gang of violent femmes, okay, mostly non-violent but that sounded better than The Slappy Bunch. I know season 4 is fantastic, I’ve heard it from several quarters, so the only option is to barrel straight ahead. Rolling S1:E5!

We open with Franky having very sexy times with another similarly lovely young woman interspliced with scenes from a fetish club. Oh and that’s not happening, it’s Erica dreaming about it next to her dude, waking up to Franky’s “tell me what you want me to do.” Her fiance is adorable, but that dream was NOT about her.

Speaking of fiance, when Erica gets to work, she hides her engagement ring in her wallet, what’s that about? Does she really think Franky is going to be all “oh! No! You’re engaged! I can’t have sex with you even though I’ve been after you for ages!” Franky’s not really one for following other people’s rules.

Erica’s jumped by a reporter in Wentworth’s parking lot; they want information about Meg Jackson’s murder and SO DO I. End of season 2, lady, back of the bus! Erica brushes her off just as Channing comes up, I thought Erica was supposed to be the more media-savvy choice for Guvnor. It’s interesting that the press has already heard that confidence in Erica as Guvnor is waning.

Erica is uncharacteristically testy this morning, must be that dream that has her on edge. She doesn’t accept Channing’s reassurance about the fiasco with Liz at the Journey Day, (aw, Liz isn’t a Peer Worker any more and she was so good! Just no confidence, poor woman) and it takes her a minute to figure out that he wants to use Franky as the prison program poster girl. Franky only has two more years, yay!

We’re in the yard with Liz visiting with Vera, I mean Miss Bennett; Liz has been reassigned to gardening and awww again. One mistake! Okay, it was a HOOGE mistake, but still. Oh. Well, it might be cleaning instead but it involves Liz wearing a wet rag on her head next to a cleaning cart and it’s probably not a big plot point so Imma let it go. I love Liz. That is all.

Erica enters the yard and Franky RUNS over, which Jacs and Vera take note of. Erica is still edgy and not looking directly at Franky, but tells her she’ll send someone to pick Franky up to discuss mentoring. I wonder if Franky knows how deeply her hook has set now?

Liz asks Dory when she’s gonna talk to her again, and not until Liz apologizes. Bea feels bad for Liz, but Dory worked hard on her speech and she’s pissed Liz ruined the whole day. She thinks Liz did it on purpose and sure, sometimes people are afraid to succeed. Sometimes it’s better to do what you’ve always done, it’s warm, safe and familiar, and you get exactly what you expect: failure. Easier than trying and it’s sort of like peeing the bed. It’s only in the beginning it seems like a good idea. Erica just glares across the yard at Liz as Liz hides and drinks some more hooch.

Erica’s called a nervous Dory into her office; ooh! Will she be the new Peer Worker?? She is offered the job, yay! Dory doesn’t want the job, it would be like stabbing Liz in the back. Erica lays it out for her: Liz will never be Peer Worker again, whether it’s Dory or not and that makes me and Dory sad. How will Liz pull out of this downward slide if she has nothing to look forward to?

Dory makes it back to work in the laundry room where everyone jumps on her, what Erica want??? She lies, though, poor drunk Liz is playing with socks and getting lotsa laughs, great, ENCOURAGE HER, BOOMER! One of Jacs’ henchwomen has found a newspaper article with a picture of Vinnie and his new main squeeze Cass stashed in with the laundry, Jacs confronts Franky with it right away. It’s lovely to see Franky up and flirting again, I hated seeing her miserable after the hand incident.

Will and Matt are running drills, Matt isn’t impressed with Will’s effort and calls him a joke. What would Meg say if she could see him? Probably something like “eeeeh, why are my secret lover and my husband getting all sweaty together when I’m not there??” or somefing like that. He hurts his shoulder slamming pallets because temper, temper.

Erica is explaining the mentoring program to Franky, who’s still just looking to get laid. She’ll do it if Erica will be her teacher… Erica is far too busy! Franky knows just where that hook is now, though, leaving with a “yeah you can.”

Bea’s wandering around with Vera and sees Will having his shoulder treated, which means he’s topless and me and Bea stare and stare and STARE. He is so built. I don’t usually like built (OR tribal tattoos), but er-ooh. Yum. He laughs at us and we pretend we weren’t looking anyhow. It’s great to see a smile on his face!

She gets back to the unit all red-faced; they can SMELL it on her! Spill! Ah hahah then we get a rundown of what all the ladies “flick it” to and I can only assume they’re referring to

Some poster makes Boomer come like a werewolf (was there a Hiddles? I couldn’t catch the name!) but Bea has never flicked, so drunkLiz isn’t about to let that go by without several comments. Ah Liz.

Vera also saw Will’s strained rotator cuff being tended to, so she tries to find out what’s going on, but he’s not much of a talker and Matt isn’t filling her in either as to why the bros aren’t getting along.

CO Heather Miles asks Matt if he’s coming out for the staff drunkup tonight, but he asks if Vera’s going before answering. She has plans with an Evan (but looks very unsure about it) so he declines as well. He’s not in the MOOD, HEATHER.

Channing is putting the screws to Erica; do whatever it takes to get Franky on board and in line.

Franky’s worried about Liz, she knows she needs to get her shit together, right? But now she’s needed in Education, be right back!

Liz decides this is the time to apologize properly to Dory, and it goes really well until she stops speaking. Dory isn’t ready to accept her apology, not without explaining exactly why she was so upset and Liz isn’t prepared for that. Her apology is in and she’s done, she doesn’t want to hear about anyone’s feelings! It devolves rapidly, with Dory telling Liza about the Peer Worker job offer and that’s it, Liz loses it. She doesn’t think Dory can do the job, because she’s “dumb and black” and Dory and I can’t believe she said that. She was supposed to be Dory’s friend!

Dory tracks down Erica and accepts the job, I like Dory, apart from that whole threatening to murder Bea thing in the first bit of the series, I hope she does well. It might take her mind off Kaiya.

Woot, and Franky’s got her tutoring time with Erica! Big decision to make, what courses to take, why did Erica choose law? Erica doesn’t answer, so Franky pushes.

Jacs spies Liz sitting on the floor drinking again, how much pruno did Dory and Boomer make?? Come on!! She reminds Liz that she doesn’t have the privileges of a Peer Worker anymore and no fence to sit on, so she better choose her side wisely. Jacs leaves after a dig about being disappointed in an old-timer like herself not knowing any better.

Oh Franky is a master. She can’t decide on a particular career path, it’s like sex. She had sex with guys for years, she thought she had to, but then she fcuked a woman and figured out what she’d been missing, so she wouldn’t want to commit to anything without exploring absolutely everything. I have to say, my favourite part was when she prefaced all that by saying it’s okay to not know what you’re doing, the exploring is the fun part, not just the “expected” bit. Erica says she wasn’t the least bit affected.

Completely unaffected Erica comes home, stripping off her clothes the minute she walks in the door, delighting her fiance. She stares over his shoulder and remembers how they used to throw down, she was always more open that he, exhibitionist, probably drunk and wanting to have sex all over the place.

In the present she tries to get him to talk dirty and then begs him to pull her hair, she “doesn’t want to fcuk like married people” which HORRIFIES him. He stops, what’s going on?? She wants PASSION, dude (and Franky) maybe she was trying to remember if it was EVER super hot with them or if, like Franky, there is “something missing.”

He wants to talk about it after, she does not, and really, talking is not what’s needed here. She apologizes (for WHAT??), what does he want? She’ll try anything. He’s not in the mood any more, Erica, since you KILT it. She’s soooo bored with Mark (Damon Gameau) and his “NICE” sex and he tells her to fcuk off. She flashes back to the day they got engaged (her on the can while he was brushing his teeth) and I get it, Erica. It’s just not his fault that he doesn’t have a vagina attached to a wicket sharp mind.

Bea is braiding Dory’s hair when Will comes out in the yard, Bea’s all giggly and weird and it makes Boomer and me laugh. She looks 40 going on 12 here and Will doesn’t quite understand what’s going on.

Liz passes out across the yard, she’s unconscious as Will calls for an ambulance. Franky and Jacs have a showdown about it in the corner while Dory is outed as the new Peer Worker.

Cell checks for everyone! The means lockdown and Boomer’s off to flick beans or somefing while Franky warns Dory about Jacs. It wasn’t Jacs who did Liz, though, WHAT? Dory slipped bleach in Liz’s drink to teach her a lesson?? A LESSON IN WHAT? DYING?? Franky and I are incredulous. Franky locks that shite down right then; Dory doesn’t tell anyone else and not another move without telling Franky first. If Jacs finds out, it will come back on Franky, and if anyone else does, goodbye Peer Worker job.

Mark still isn’t answering Erica’s calls or texts, so instead she watches Franky and Kim make out in the yard. As her hand creeps up her skirt (both hands on the keyboard, Guvnor!), she remembers a visit to that fetish club from her dream, walking in dressed like a housewife staring in the eyes of a woman leaving. She’s there for a meeting with Tom (Paul Ireland) and sure! This place is the perfect venue for a business meeting. Ah and it’s her father who is taking Tom’s case, she comes from a family of lawyers. He’s impressed with her composure, she hasn’t batted an eyelash like most of the “clenched arsehole” lawyers he knows. A couple of signatures later, she stares around and then leaves, a little slower than she came in.

She stops when she hears the sound of leather against flesh, drawn into a room where women are tied and being flogged. A woman in latex in the back sees her watching and motions her forward. Erica pulls aside The Velvet Curtain as if in a trance, snapped out of it when she senses Tom watching her. She turns and leaves, faster now.

Speaking of faster now, her daytime fiddle is picking up speed until halted by Channing busting into her office without knocking. They need to put together a press release about Franky, now a good time? SURE!

Dory’s having her hair braided by Bea again; does she think Dory’s a good person? More self-flagellation and Franky warns Dory with a look to not say anything. Liz comes in then, she’s alive, yay! Her and Dory have it out quietly, Dory warning Liz to never play the black card but not owning up to TRYING TO MURDER HER.

Bea and Liz talk it out, Bea doesn’t have much experience with sex, to her it’s not “crucial” and that just means she or someone else is not doing it right. They go into Harry hitting her a bit and we all tear up a little. It’s hard to talk about. Liz was right, though, Bea has never fiddled with her wobbly bits.

Erica arrives home to find an angry Mark; is she bored with him? They’ve been engaged for 5 years?? 5 years?? It is never going to happen. I do know a couple that were engaged for 10 years and DID get married, though, so it IS possible.

He’s really mad about this, I don’t understand. Pull her hair, dude! She’s not asking you to stick a plug up your arse so she can ride you around town like a pony, she just wanted a little something different for once! Well, we know that something different is Franky-shaped, but really, don’t be afraid to mix things up once in a while.

She cries and no, of course she doesn’t want anything else, she loves him! That is what Fear Of The Unknown looks like in the wild.

Will gives the ladies a thrill as he closes up for the night and Erica wakes up Mark for a little married-people boom boom. Kim does a striptease for Franky as Erica pretends she’s totally into it and Bea finds out what all the fuss was about. Oh and she cries, ah Bea. Mark asks what Erica wants (TOTALLY a test and exactly what Franky said at the top of the episode), Erica passes with “just love me” and she and Franky stare up at different ceilings and we’re out.

Well, this was totally the SheBop episode, bean flicking as far as the eye could see. I know the whole point is Erica and Franky growing their relationship, but as far as Orange Is The New Black has told me, Erica can’t have sex with Franky nohow, what with Franky being an inmate. Until next time, in the immortal words of RuPaul, if you can’t love (on) yourself, how the hell you gonna love (on) someone else?