Welcome back to Wentworth where things are COMPLETELY UPSIDE DOWN after the last two episodes. Let’s find out where we land

Bridget (Libby Tanner) is walking with an extremely nervous young man in a suit into the Isolation unit; why is a scared dude going into Wentworth? Ah, this is Enrique Pugliese and he’s representing Joan Ferguson (Pamela Rabe)’s lawyer, he’s here to give an update.

Bridget takes note, then goes in to be shouted at by Kim Chang (Ra Chapman) for stealing Franky (Nicole da Silva) from her. Bridget calms her down some while Joan gets the bad news from her young sweaty, sweaty lawyer. Nils Jesper has taken a plea deal and will not be supporting her version of events any longer.

Ferguson takes this in stride, confident in her ability to sway the courts to her side and secure in the knowledge that she has other plans in play. Just kidding, she hits the papers out of his hands and completely loses her shite while he leaps for the door.

Bridget is surprised by the depth of Ferguson’s reaction, she’s clearly not on her meds or lucid. She does have a plan, though

Bridget does a little checking from her office; she doesn’t think Ferguson should have been released from the hospital at all. Also: Joan was born in Russia!

I’m wondering who has been watching Bridget’s place, then, if Nils is in jail, which of course makes all the sense. Who’s left?

Governor-elect Vera Bennett (Kate Atkinson) is MAD. I can practically smell it from here! When Bridget comes in to talk to her about the former Governor, Vera gives it to her between the eyes. She knows about Franky (since they were kind enough to be dancing without ten bibles between them in a lit room with open blinds at night, AS YOU DO) and she’s furious that Bridget has compromised her role in everything. Vera went to the board to get Bridget reinstated and hold on

Why would Bridget go back to THAT prison? Surely there are all sorts of prisons in Australia, and all sorts of psychiatrists: why would Bridget go back to THAT one?

Vera kicks Bridget off campus with one more threat: if Franky isn’t living where she’s supposed to be, she’ll lose parole.

Yay, we get more than 5 seconds of Maxine time! Okay, maybe ten seconds only, but it’s a start! Maxine (Socratis Otto) is fixing her face when Kaz (Tammy McIntosh) and Allie (Kate Jenkinson) come in with their gang; Kaz is still calling Maxine a bloke, when she is clearly not a bloke.

Well, the part is played by a bloke and that’s odd to me; Maxine is a small role, they couldn’t find one transgender person to fill that? Anyway, I love Maxine and I love how Socratis Otto plays her, so.

Bea (Danielle Cormack) pops out of the shower just then; picking up for Maxi and also letting Kaz know she has to run all plays through her. Maxine notices how much Bea and Allie are staring at each other, what’s going on?? You know you all thought about last time’s shower scene, dincha?? Totally did

Maxine tells Bea she should use Allie’s interest to her advantage, and how? How? Does it involve the shower again? Coz I’m down!

Dory (Shareena Clanton) and Boomer (Katrina Milosevic) interrupt their strategizing; when be the peni, Bea? When do the conjugals start? Boomer’s getting desperate. Maxine and I: “getting?”

Bridget gets home in the middle of the day; that same somebody is watching outside! So if it isn’t Nils and it isn’t Vera, who is it? I’m sorry I was worried that Bridget was coming home unexpectedly early; recent and longtime events have me jumpy. I always assume something bad happens with unfortunately timed homecomings.

Nothing’s amiss until Bridget tells Franky what’s going on, and everything goes right to shite.

I never thought I could imagine Franky being more attractive (because she’s totes adorbs), but somehow she looks even more amazing fully dressed. She’s pissed and her wall is up, though, she has to go back to where her parole officer thinks she lives or she’ll be sent up right away. She’s got a life now, she doesn’t want to let one person f*ck it up, but Bridget thinks that one person is her.

Ohhhhhhhhh the person watching Franky and Bridget the whole time is Franky’s dad Alan (Richard Sutherland)! Thank the gods and wee boarlets that it wasn’t an Unfriendly. He gives her his number but I wouldn’t hold your breath, Pops.

The women aren’t going to get Conjugal visits after all, Vera tells Bea. Channing (Martin Sacks) put the kibosh onnit (after the Incident of the Tomato Tampons) because apparently he feels that women have babies to alleviate boredom. And that they pop them out like ping pong balls. Am I going to address that? Yeah, why not

Not all sex is for procreative purposes, Derek, you neanderthal troglodyte. It’s good for a mood elevator, for hope, for exercise, for something to look forward to, it’s SOMETHING THE MEN’S PRISONS ALREADY OFFER. To suggest that the women might be deliberately getting impregnated to inconvenience you, OR that you can birth a baby as easily as buying a new Furby OR that women give birth to PEOPLE because really? They wanted that new Furby: you can fuck right off, Derek.

Vera needs Bea involved in one of the new programs though, Grooming for Success. I laughed out loud with Bea as she processed that. What would she, a lifer, be teaching anyone in a class about grooming? Murder? And hairdressing, smiles Vera and I laughed again. This show.

CO Linda Miles (Jacqueline Brennan) comes to advise Vera, The Freak, she means Ferguson wants to see her. *smirks all around* Nicknames are murder to get rid of, aren’t they Vinegar Tits?

Ferguson doesn’t want to see Vera, though, she’d like the new Governor to arrange a meeting for her with Derek Channing, the regional director. As prisoners are wont to do. You can tell that it’s almost delicious for Vera, explaining to Ferguson that she doesn’t get to have such meetings with an important neanderthal like Derek Channing. Or does she?

Is that hold Ferguson had on Channing still any good?

Bea gives the bad news to the women at lunch, but Kaz isn’t taking this lying down! If Walford allows for conjugal visits, then they should get them too! “Some people might take no” but

See, Bea, she isn’t wrong. See my shouting above. Maxine also knows what’s up, even if Kaz doesn’t

She knows how to harness everyone’s emotions and so far: she’s doing it without pain or anger, so the old guard, who Bea reluctantly represents, doesn’t know how to handle her. Hey, Kaz has a phone! And something fun is happening the next morning at 10 am!

Franky’s spacing out in front of Wentworth, she’s brought out of her reverie by Will Jackson (Robbie J Magasiva) who tells her to scram, nicely.

Channing doesn’t want to meet with Ferguson after all, but he fills Vera in on what she wanted. Ferguson wants to be released into the general population.

But

How can a former Governor, accused of crimes against specific prisoners AND guards come and be stuck amongst them? I don’t think this is a max facility, is it? HOW IS THIS NOT A CONFLICT?

Vera doesn’t get it either, but what it boils down to is that Ferguson is doubling down, putting her safety in the hands of Vera and wanting access to rule as Top Dog. That would be my guess, anyway

Maxine wants Liz (Celia Ireland) to feel her up; she thinks she has a lump. Liz gives ’em a squeeze, there does seem to be something there, hmm. Liz likes Maxine’s bewbs, they’re a lot nicer than hers! That’s enough, Liz.

Channing leaves and two women pull up, they have cases and cases of drones outside? Kaz and the women start stripping; the extras are nekkid, woo hoo! They all wants roots and the news drone is recording!

Vera gets the drone shot down and a team of guards swarm the yard. It goes from a funny happy protest to a showdown between Will and Kaz, who’ve been enemies since the beginning. She grabs his gear and he tosses her to the side, where she hits her head on a bench.

The rest of the women start to surge against the officers, who are severely outnumbered. Vera watches from a high window as Bea realises what she’s up against.

Maxine knows what has to happen

I just hope that Bea stops going through the motions, reaches back in her bag of tricks and does something other than physical violence to bring this group around. You can’t win a popularity contest selling hard work when your opponent is selling shags.

Bea sees something I thought of! If everyone wants to get laid, why not let the ones on contraception get some? That’s what Channing’s worried about, right? NEVER MIND THE INEQUITY OF SOME ARSEHOLE MALE DECIDING ABOUT WOMEN AND THEIR RIGHT TO BEAR CHILDREN.

Vera takes Kaz aside; she won’t get what she wants out of this and if Kaz pushes: they’ll let the police decide. I’m only happy that Kaz stopped smiling for a minute. I think Kaz really really HATES men.

Vera and Bea brainstorm about What To Do About Kaz as the lady herself watches from behind the glass, I hope Bea pitches what I said above! She has to give the women SOMETHING

Ferguson has called Vera down to Isolation; she heard about the disturbance earlier, unfortunate, isn’t it? Ferguson has some notes about her upcoming move to General, she doesn’t do laundry, she’d like to be in the kitchen, it’s as though she’s arranging her own spa vacation. Who does she think she is, Piper Kerman?

Vera’s spacing out, Ferguson taps on the glass. Pay attention.

Vera goes straight to Bridget, she’s not here to talk about Franky. It’s Ferguson. Bridget tries to suss out Ferguson’s motivation for getting back into General Population, I can tell you both that! Ferguson is a born Top Dog, made to rule the roost from Day 1.

They’re about to move their discussion to supper when Franky knocking on the door breaks it up. Bridget goes outside to talk while Vera listens inside.

Franky went back to Wentworth last night because she felt safer there, she’s worried it will all be ripped away from her and everything felt much clearer in prison.

Franky, Bridget and Vera dine, that probably doesn’t feel weird for Vera at all! Franky picks out the same reason I did right away: Ferguson wants to be Top Dog. I said that!!! Kaz is nothing compared to how Ferguson could manipulate, psychopaths need people to emotionally motivate. Watch out Red indeed.

Bea starts her wooing of Allie, skipping her ahead to the front of a very long phone line and offering to colour her hair for her. The look Bea gives Maxine after is hard to read; she’s become tough as nails, has our Bea.

Franky’s dad is outside Bridget’s place again; this time he doesn’t waste time handing over a number. Franky has a 3 year old sister, he thought she might want to get to know her.

Bloody hell, men can have children forever.

Bridget is gearing up to go at Ferguson, who passed the psychopathy test previously. Vera warns her; be careful, you’re poking at a dangerous spider. I’m glad these women were able to repair their friendship.

Bridget starts her evaluation, but Ferguson is poking back. She wants to ask Bridget questions too, and if not about her (WHAT KIND OF QUESTIONS ARE THESE???), she moves on to asking about Vera. Bridget bites: mistake and Ferguson gets to spill the beans about Vera euthanizing her nightmare of a mother. Bridget sweeps up her documents to leave

Which Ferguson takes as a compliment

I think I need a minute. Whew

Vera WAS recording as Ferguson said, but they won’t be able to use it.

Vera calls Bea into her office re: Ferguson’s placement in General Pop, she’d like Bea’s assurance that nothing with happen to Ferguson. Bea does not have a magic wand to pull out of her ass, so Vera reminds her that if anything happened to Ferguson, Vera would lose her job. Vera and I laugh when Bea says “surely it would be worth it!” because it totally would! Vera has a different plan and seeing as Bea wants those conjugal visits for her women…

Everyone knows about The Freak moving into General, but Bea settles everyone down in the lunchroom that’s thinking of going after her. She’s made a deal with the Governor. Vera comes in then: she’ll explain.

The women on birth control get conjugal visits (SO! MANY! THINGS! wrong with that but also: means sex faster, so) and Bea will be leading a hairdressing class. Win win! Except I forgot that Boomer was really hoping to get the conjugal visits SO she could get pregnant, sorry Booms.

Channing can’t even believe he agreed to this, he thought Vera was supposed to have the prison all calmed down: WHY IS NOBODY CALMING DOWN FROM THE YOGA?? Vera pushes back but they’re distracted by the sight of Ferguson hung in effigy

Channing blames this on Vera not being able to control her prisoners, but Vera’s not having that. Releasing Ferguson into General is not her idea and he needs to shut Ferguson down himself.

Bea and Maxine are getting ready for their class, Allie’s here for her cut and colour! Mmmm hmmm. I love her mouth

Franky watches her dad and sister from afar, you know she wishes she’d had that. Even though she’s grown, you know that’s what she wished for just then. We never get over not enough love. It is unbearably sweet when Franky meets her sister, we all cry.

Vera is giving up pursuing anything about Bridget re: Franky, which she calls strictly pragmatic but we know better. One more thing…she just wants to know if Bridget thought she was like Ferguson? It’s the same answer I got when I asked if I was a narcissist once: if you ask the question, you are not. Psychopaths have no fear and Narcissists never think THEY are the problem.

Franky came to pick up Bridget at work, yay, they’re so good together. Franky’s come to a decision, which makes all of us pucker, but she just wants to move out. She needs to find her own way through things and Bridget was like a lovely insulation blanket. Bridget calls that a breakthrough.

Oh and Channing is in to see Ferguson, he’s supposed to be telling her she won’t go into General Pop, but I bet she’s got another ace tucked up her sleeve. She didn’t spill about his brothel business lo these many months, but in the meantime: he’s cleaned house. Nobody’s going to find anything.

Oh but has he? Is he ready to test that? Ferguson is the best bluffer EVER, and she has nothing to lose.

I guess he wasn’t ready to test that, as he orders Vera to release Ferguson after all, and just like that, we have a new Top Dog. I love the echos of the first time we saw her back in S2 E1 with her pulling her hair back

And the stare

Takes us out. Woot. Well, that was somewhat unexpected. I saw the Ferguson being Top Dog right from the very beginning, but perhaps not the incarceration at the same prison bit. I don’t know what to think about Bea and Allie; there’s something there but I don’t know if Bea is feeling it. Bea looks so different from last season, where she has her badass razor undercut and anger ever-ready. Now she seems tired and schlumpy and older, I can’t think why. It’s only been a few months.

The feel of this episode was different as well, almost slapstick at points, like above with Maxine joking about Kaz not understanding Top Dog. The scenes between Bea and Vera are similarly different, a little too smiley? Too jokey? Does anyone know what I mean or am I talking out of my adorable arse? Cheers you lot, until next time!