What’s this? Four Billions in a row? Okay, I admit it, I am having a little trouble getting Below Deck Mediterranean. Stay with me whilst I sort out my technical difficulties, let’s get caught up for realsies reals with our billionaire bumrubbers. Rolling S3:E08 All the Willburys after the break.

We open with a heavily made up Dr. Wendy Rhoades (Maggie Siff) and her husband/slave Chuck Rhoades Jr. (Paul Giamatti) about to celebrate in a difficult-to-watch fashion, unfortunately BDSM-blocked by Chuck Sr. (Jeffrey DeMunn) and Black Jack Foley (super white David Strathairn).

Basically, the point is this: future gubernatorial candidates can do whatever they like in the sanctity of their own homes (blinds firmly drawn), but they cannot come to a semi-public dungeon and play with the tall Asian dominatrix any more. “It’s time to put away childish enthusiasms”, start staffing up and fundraising. Oh and quit, Chuck can’t be Governor as a US Attorney.

I’ve never disliked Chuck Sr.’s more than when he tried to intimidate Wendy into dropping her coat.

Wendy would like Chuck to not run with those two assholes backing him, fanks. He’s just not able to see another way yet.

Bobby “Axe” Axelrod (Damian Lewis) makes his triumphant return to trading at AXE Capital, literally running up the stairs to the beat of chanting employees. Everyone is excited except interim CIO Taylor Mason (Asia Kate Dillon) whose affect is…flat.

Compliance officer Ari Spyros (Stephen Kunken) jumps up on the table shouting “O Captain my Captain” to the boos of all.

I fear I would be Ari Spyros in this scenario.

Bobby’s sporting season 1 gear: a Black Sabbath t-shirt and ill-fitting hoodie, any minute he’s going to go bass fishing and we’ll have to knight him as a man of the people again.

He debuts his new trading plan, which is really just clearing off all current positions which makes Ben Kim (Daniel K. Isaac) and Mafee (Dan Soder) look at each other. But they LIKE their current positions! Taylor’s quant algorithm is to be scrapped as well, how did you like being a placeholder for the King, Taylor? Not much I bet. You need your own shop.

Bobby is raring to go now that he’s got his computer set up but notes that Wendy is surprisingly muted. She wants to borrow his baby security team and doesn’t look all that happy to hear that Hall (Terry Kinney) is back. Bobby thinks his return is like the Beatles and when he’s talking he looks exactly like a turnt hamster on his eighth tab of MDMA.

Bryan Connerty (Toby Leonard Moore) is back at the Southern District of New York’s US Attorney’s office, you know, run by the guy he just tried to have indicted! This is going to go SO WELL for him! He’s stuck in a tiny office in the back and beyond, he could expect no better.

Part 1 of Bobby’s new plan is raising a bunch of money, first stop is Todd Krakow (Danny Strong) in his new role as Secretary to the Treasurer. He’s got a tip about Natural Gas that freaks Bobby out at first but he’s intrigued.

Chuck meets with Joe Scolari (Sean Patrick Riley) of the implacable (AWESOME) repeating, Chuck will have to watch out for Sweeney, who Black Jack jilted for Chuck after things got rolling.

Bobby tries to appease Taylor with a new car, they’ll take it, sure, AND a billion dollars and their own book, fanks. There is definitely a showdown building with these two.

Bobby and Mike “Wags” Wagner (David Costabile) torture Spyros (and me) with a Willburys/Beatles analogy before Bobby pulls the trigger and fires Spyros. Remember when Bobby told Spyros he was part of the family so he didn’t go after Wendy any further? Spyros is no Willbury, even as he screams that he is “all the Willburys!!”

“Dollar” Bill Stearn (Kelly AuCoin) has been WAITING for this moment. Spyros teases him with a hint about some illegally acquired information, will Dollar bite?

He does, all teeth in and he’ll be in business with Spyros’s information.

Taylor shuts down her little quant lab, two sad quants get the boot.

An angry Lara Axelrod (Malin Akerman) comes to AXE Capital with Bobby’s son Gordie (Jack Gore) to listen to her bitch about her trading fees: why does she have to pay retail now? They argue while Gordie wanders into see Aunty Wendy.

See, Lara threatened to take their kids to California while Bobby went to jail and now Bobby’s taken the gloves off in their divorce. Lara (kinda but not really) thought she was protecting the boys, FunBobs saw that as straight punitive, kicking a man when he was down.

Speaking of, Lara sees Gordie in talking to Aunty Wendy and goes OFF. She needs to start managing her anger and entitlement a little better around the hooligans.

Bryan finally gets a look in from Chuck, but he’s not as chill as he initially appears. COURSE. He even calls himself “Bad Bad Leroy Brown” and if I’m going to have that song in my head, you may as well too. I’m just waiting for the part where he says something about coming at the king and best not missing.

How could Bryan think he could come back from threatening the mother of Chuck’s children? Because women are only people as they relate to men! Apparently!

Bryan is fired with much shouting, spittle and profanity.

Kate Sacker (Condola Rashad) and Tonelle T-Burton (Tijuana Ricks) watch from across the room (in oddly coordinated clothing); T sums it up for us: “here endeth the lesson.”

Taylor only got $250,000,000 instead of a billion, they MAD. Bobby still wants to oversee their moves and brings up the Natural Gas information but Taylor will run their own book, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

But Bobby doesn’t just want dominance in the market, he wants AXE Capital to appear “unassailable”, TBTFW (too big to f*ck with). He sounds ridic but I think Wags just came in his pants.

Dollar and Spyros bond over ill-gotten information, awwwww, while I throw up in my mouth over Chuck Sr. pretending he’s happy to see his wife back from her European tour. Well, I’M happy to see Ellen (because she’s Deborah Rush!!!! From Compromising Positions and A Night In Heaven (which only I saw) and so many other great movies. I LOVE YOU DEBORAH RUSH!!) but Wendy can only take so much hypocrisy and misogyny over so much wine, so they leave quickly.

Chuck’s busy anyway, he’s got to set up Black Jack for a sting caught on tape. He got help from Bob Sweeney (Mark Servitto) who Black Jack was planning to set aside. Anyway, Chuck is getting leverage the best way he knows how, I just don’t believe Black Jack can be taken down that easily. What kind of a superrich supervillain is he??

Chuck gets home, all triumphant and brimming with false modesty but Judge Adam DeGuilio (Rob Morrison) is there waiting. He’s calling in his completely open-cheque-book favour and it is….he needs Chuck to stay US Attorney, which is the only favour Chuck cannot do.

It just wouldn’t be a fairtytale if that wasn’t his request, pfft.

Chuck’s gonna need a minute.

Wendy counsels him to stay where his passion is; in the US Attorney’s office. There he is the king, he gets to choose whatever he wants to do, he doesn’t want politics. He also doesn’t want to be a puppet for Black Jack and his dad, he wants to be the puppeteer and I need a cuppa because SanctiChuck makes me crazy.

Bobby’s winning high is OVER. OVER! Why isn’t he happy? He asks Wendy, but she’s still in the dumps. Why does nobody ask Wendy what’s wrong? She’s clearly miserable. Okay, he does give her advice, I guess that’s something. He asks her to remind herself of what she’s been through, THAT’S when she’ll feel better.

Poor Mafee has all his hopes and appendages up.

Dollar brings Ari Spyros to work?? Bobby and Wags can’t believe what they’re seeing. Spyros gets another shot at being a Willbury!

For the record, hard pass on every and all Willburys.

Lara comes to see Bobby late at the office without the kiddos this time, things are so tense and awful between them. It’s so over, you can feel it and it’s terrible. Bobby gives Lara a discount on her trades but she has to agree to sign it right now AND agree not to take the money or kids anywhere for at least 7 years.

Chuck’s birthday party is a lot of blah blah until he talks and everyone figures out he will not be running for Governor but will be supporting Bob Sweeney instead. Black Jack and Chuck Sr. are FURIOUS and Jr. is in so much troubllllleeeee.

Taylor, Wags and Bobby are still at the office, it’s a competition to see who will stay the latest. Taylor and Bobby are fighting it out because Wags has a life, people.

This is also Bobby’s night with his kids, so they’re sitting in a restaurant with Bobby’s admin while he does nothing but stare at Taylor and wish/mentally order them to leave first. BOBBY NEEDS TO THINK ABOUT HIS PRIORITIES.

The last move is Wendy’s, going on up to Chuck Sr.’s room where he’s waiting in a robe for an escort to take him around the world. She reminds him: next time he thinks about fucking with her, he’ll know what he’s messing with.

We’re oot. I liked the part where she told him he should take the robe off, eh? Just like he said about her coat!

I feel as sad as Black Jack Foley, I was really hoping Chuck would run off to be Governor and let Bryan actually dispense some justice instead of the usual masturbatory Napoleonic bullshite Chuck spouts. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Until next time!