Are you so excited about this reboot of The Hills: New Beginnings? I am!! It’s been fun seeing how everyone is doing, there are bebehs everywhere! Let’s roll into the second episode, You’re Not My Family! after the break.

OOOOH we get proper credits!! I totally shivered.

An updated stylized version of the original themesong awww! “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield has held up, but how much is still unwritten? And does not Mischa Barton stand out just slightly as a discordant note? Like your angry Aunt Janice with the foghorn voice who just wants a vodka-7 goddamnit.

We’re all at Nightingale for Stephanie Pratt’s coming home party, Whitney Port and Audrina Patridge are excited for their Mom’s Night Out. *Those are totally awesome* Everyone wanders into this far-too-well-lit club, including Jason and Ashley (no clue).

IMDb tells me they are Jason and Ashley Wahler, WHAT. This is LC’s old boyfriend Jason and he’s here and she’s not. NOT ONE WORD ABOUT LC, JASON, YOU DIRTBAG.

Okay, re-focusing my chi and realising I don’t actually know these people.

Heidi Montag and husband Spencer Pratt are welcomed by Spencer’s sister Stephanie, how long until this goes boobsup? I give it two shots and four finger pointings.

Stephanie looks so…different. It’s not just the cheek implants and the resultant facial restructuring, literally the only thing that is recognisable is her squeaky voice.

Justin Brescia (Justin Bobby pfft) knocks over a drink, which is enough diversion that Heidi and Spencer can move on from Stephanie’s table to say hi to Frankie Delgado. Oh sorry, it was Heidi who knocked over that drink and Justin Bobby’s doing everything he can to keep Stephanie calm.

Stephanie can’t believe her estranged brother and sister-in-law went and found their own table after she sat their stink-eyeing them for the past 5 minutes. There are definitely two camps at this party and a lot more people are around Spencer and Heidi.

To recap: Spencer and Stephanie have never really gotten along, but Stephanie has been dealing with some things in perhaps not the best way, trashing Spencer and Heidi in social media to stay relevant. I mean, that’s what it looks like, maybe some things seemed super urgent to talk about publicly, several years after you stopped talking to the actual people you’re trashing.

Brody Jenner and his wife Kaitlynn aren’t even close to ready for the party; he’s in a bubble bath.

That’s right, MTV legit gave me parity for Heidi’s ridiculously staged bubble bath last week by having Brody Jenner pop out of a bunch of bubbles and I AM HERE FOR IT.

His is even more adorable because he’s also playing fetch with his two rottweilers at the same time, awwww.

Kaitlynn acts like she’s gonna get in, but the fact that she’s wearing lingerie AND a whole mic pack tells me that was for clumsy show.

Producers ask him how married life is going; since he slept in the car last night after his wife acted like a “psychopath”, I’d say about 60/40. He misses the freedom aspect but loves spending time with his wife and puppies more than anything. I’d say that’s about a perfect answer.

Justin Bobby and Audrina hang out again, how can anyone concentrate when he bites his lip like this??

Ah right, Justin is a musician. I knew he was a gypsy, but he just spent 3 years in Nicaragua shoring up some hippie cred. Audrina asks why he’s hanging out with Stephanie.

Uh yeah.

Brandon Lee is asking Spencer about Stephanie, he says they have no relationship. Stephanie’s explaining to Aunt Mischa that she hasn’t had any boyfriends either so I’m guessing life can get pretty lonely for Stephanie, even with how conventionally attractive she is these days.

*I once knew a extended family member who went out and lost a bunch of weight, dyed her hair blonde and started posting really lovely filtered pictures online. She spent no time on her asshole personality. Beauty is internal blah blah but really: if you’re a chubby asshole then make some physical changes so that you’re a conventionally attractive asshole: still an asshole. Figure out why people wince when they see you approaching, maybe work on that instead of crunches. But hey: everyone has their own path. It took me ages to figure out why everyone winced: turns out it wasn’t my weight!

Ahh Perez Hilton is here. What is he wearing? I thought he was all fitness guru now? Why the too-small t-shirt with his name on it and basic kicks? I am disappoint. He’s never been an actor, our Perez, so you can see him braced for battle already as Mischa Barton watches from across the room.

Mischa explains how Perez Hilton targeted her on his gossip blog, and he definitely did but I don’t know why they keep just showing that one picture of her in the wedding dress over and over again. He did waaaaaay more.

Perez is there to clean his karma, he’s also great friends with Heidi and Spencer.

*About that: I am off-again, on-again friends with someone who did something really shitty to me online and was instrumental in separating me from an online friends group. None of this matters any more, I’m only sharing because it seems like it would be similar between Spencer, Heidi and Perez. Yeah, he attacked them and called them famewhores and all of that, but he was also there at a pivotal time in their lives and whatever else: he knew what was actually going on. That’s why I have this weird friendship with this person, we were both in the trenches in that particular war, and while we were on opposite sides, we both understood the significance of that time period in a way not a lot of other people would. So I get it.

Perez makes his way around the room as Mischa stares.

Oh gosh. Okay. I don’t like to body-shame or comment on people’s looks because: there’s so much more to people and it’s not like we can change alla that stuff and blah blah: what the HELL is up with Perez’s hair?

Mischa confronts Perez about everything he used to do: the body-shaming, the outing of closeted celebs, everything. How about Sienna Miller??

However, Perez Hilton no longer writes that type of blog, once he got punched in the face by a member of Black Eyed Peas entourage, he found his non-bullying religion. And lost a lot of revenue for it, so it wasn’t without some form of sacrifice.

Perez swears (on his kids lives) that if he could go back, he would change all of it but this is where Mischa digs in. Now? Really? Over his completely non-provable claim that he would use a time machine to not destroy hers and other careers?

Mischa already lost this argument when she allowed him to set the parameters of his apology around a fictional circumstance and not about the actual damage done to her reputation and by extension: her career.

Perez is not going to be dismissed, he just swore on his kids lives about something that could never be proven and he demands she respect that!

Audrina high-fives Mischa for confronting him, sure okay whatever.

Whitney encourages Stephanie to make the first move with Spencer, who pretty much thinks his showing up is already a move after all of Stephanie’s social media attacks. Stephanie pouts but wonders if this is the universe telling her it’s time.

She goes to his table and extricates him from his bros. Spencer is nerrrrvous, he thinks she’s “a powerful spirit” (????) and he wants to not mess with her but he doesn’t know how so he’s just trying not to talk. Not talking is very tough for Spencer and I.

He deviates from that plan immediately, his voice getting louder louder as talks about the mean tweets.

He storms off and Heidi approaches Stephanie. I like this new assertive Heidi, she’s not put off by Stephanie being dismissive, she wants to talk to her and now. It does not go well.

Newb Brandon Lee points out everyone’s age as he snickers about their immaturity, so cool Bran-DON.

Stephanie cries in the smoke pit, comforted by Justin Bobby wearing a super busy leather jacket and matching man-purse. Audrina and Mischa come and say goodbye, they BETTER not be working on a Audrina/Justin/Stephanie triangle.

Wooo running at Runyon Canyon! Audrina and Whitney warm up and wait for Mischa, who’s still proud of herself for “standing up” to Perez. By running, I mean they’re stretching their arms and then walking slowly up a hill with water bottles. Maybe it’s a hungover hike!

Spencer has a chakra alignment session at his home, he’s big into crystal healing to reduce stress. Why…does he dress like that?

Justin just happens to be Stephanie’s neighbourhood so he stops by to say hey. He was worried about her slipping into a bad place, good for him. She’s a recovering addict, maybe he was concerned that she would relapse.

Aside from that: pfft whatever

Brandon’s having a housewarming party! He has a chef preparing charcuterie, and the boys are crawling all over his pad. By boys I mean Frankie and Brody. Brody walks down memory lane a bit, he did pretty well back in his single days but he and Kaitlynn, they’re a fun couple.

DID BRODY JUST IMPLY THAT HE AND KAITLYNN SWING??

Some more people show up, Shaquille O’Neal’s stepson Myles and dudes named Chase and Conrad. Frankie asks the boys if it’s tough fighting the expectations that come with having a famous parent, Tommy Lee Brandon says he just had to fight through. Ohhh Brandon doesn’t drink, at all. Me either! We could hang out! (MAYBE WE COULD INVITE BRODY OVER??!!)

We switch over to Brody to talk about having an Olympic athlete as a parent, but he wasn’t really raised by his dad. He only knew him on a surface level, then when they started to connect, Bruce transitioned to become Caitlyn Jenner and that changed their relationship again. They’re very separate still.

Audrina’s friend/stylist Joey is over at her house with dresses when Heidi and Gunner show up. Audrina’s going on a date with Justin Bobby to a festival…for this she needs a stylist to bring her dresses? I don’t understand.

He dipped after the party for a week then texted her about this concert, so who knows what’s going on with him. Jason’s wife Ashley (who is super cute) has a guy she wants to set Audrina up with, let’s see him, Ash!

Now we’re meeting Jason and Ashley properly, awww they’re so cute together. He got hella lucky in marrying this woman and having this adorable bebeh. This is his first sober relationship, good for him! 12 rehab centers between the ages of 18 and 23, that’s a tough row, Jason. I would hate to have been in the public eye while trying to deal with all of that.

Audrina gets ready for her date, seriously, MTV? If you’re going to give us product placement, try to be a little more subtle than three closeups of the mascara tube in 10 seconds, fanks. Honestly.

She calls Justin to find out the plan for their date, he tells her to hurry up because parking spaces are running out which means he’s not coming to get her. Wow, this is a big festival, what’s he doing there? He’s got his own cabana, even. Ashley and Jason show up, Jason immediately getting digs in about Justin not picking Audrina up. Audrina is wandering around looking lost and at her phone. How is Justin not sweating his nads off in full black leather at the beach in LA?

They move to a VIP area where it’s really cold so Justin gets Audrina a sweater, he’s so sweet. Until he argues about her not calling him either, so Audrina talks about her upcoming blind date. How about those fellas who don’t want to commit but also don’t want you to date other people?

I am so confused; why is the end of the show us watching Stephanie meet up with Frankie and Justin BEFORE the party that started this episode. She’s got that same 80s bridesmaid dress on, he’s got that scribbled-on leather jacket: what?

And then we’re out. I think it’s hilarious that they’re trying to set up a Stephanie/Audrina/Justina Bobby scenario, especially as odds are he has no intention of being ANYone’s boyfriend (manfriend?). He lights up around Audrina, Stephanie is pure friend zone but who knows? I’m like Whitney, I’m not going to delve into the relationship between Spencer and his sister; she has done some shady, shady shite but he also is incapable of not being mean to her, so. Until next time! Cheers