It’s extremely cold and windy and WINTER here in Canada, which means there is no better time to watch people sweat in the heat of Thailand on Below Deck! Plus I’m not as late as usual and I want to ride that wave into the weekend! Who’s ready to roll into some drunk crew falling on elephants in an exotic locale? ME TOO!! Rolling Below Deck S7:E10 Everyone Hates Kate after the break.

Oh right, first we have to clean up the mess from last episode before we transition to elephant wrestling. Chief Stewardess Kate Chastain has been working with Second Stewardess Simone Mashile to develop her service skills. Unfortunately, Kate doesn’t feel that Simone is where she needs to be just yet and has started sending her back down into laundry and cleaning again. Simone is not happy. Where will she get the necessary practice on service if not actually doing service?

For what it’s worth, I think Kate IS trying to help Simone, but maybe not as much as she could be. I can only think of two charters where Simone spent a significant time on service. She really does need the practice, but Kate’s gone with the better-at-service-and-crap-at-laundry Third Stewardess Courtney Skippon this charter and this is why the fighting.

Simone isn’t perhaps as mature as Kate needs her to be, especially as she’s complained to other members of the crew about Kate’s decision, which Kate thinks makes her and the team look bad.

Look, Simone is a sweetheart, but not the most mature person on the superyacht. For example: telling everyone how much she likes deckhand Tanner Sterback. I think it’s cute, but also kind of middle school, yes? For good or bad, Simone wears her heart on her face and right now it’s in a set pout. Kate needs to find a way to manage this without crushing Simone’s lovely spirit.

Kate sends Simone for a break and talks about her beginning in the yachting industry. She didn’t complain when she was Second Stew! Is that because she was Britney Spears?

I would NEVER have recognised Kate Chastain. EVER. Are those BANGS??

Kate tells an unflattering version of the meeting to Courtney, that’s bullshit. Simone cries in the closet, found and consoled by deckhand Rhylee Gerber. That was nice of Rhylee, who is quite familiar with Kate’s behaviour towards her staff.

It’s not that Kate is mean or necessarily unfair, she just does not suffer fools gladly. Simone is no fool (UNIVERSITY MATH DEGREE) but she’s not at Kate’s level for sarcasm and that can be a tough barrage to fight. While you’re working.

Rhylee and Kate share a room, this is the first we hear of Rhylee’s affection for wounded lead deckhand Brian de Saint Pern. He is adorable, but has had his sights set on Courtney, who’s slowly playing along. Rhylee calls Courtney mousey, she’s going after that hawt man!

I mean, Brian’s cute and all but I wouldn’t lose a friend or co-worker over him.

He’s still dealing with a serious bacterial infection that led to an excision of tissue (herk), so he’s not up for bouncing on anyone’s trampoline just yet anyway.

The guests make it up on deck as chef Kevin Dobson sings to himself and bakes pastries. He really is ridiculously cheerful in the morning.

Captain Lee Rosbach calls Bosun Ashton Pienaar up on deck to pull anchor, time to take these ladies back to dock! LOOK AT THE VIEW!

Simone had a talk with herself, the chat with Kate didn’t go as well as planned but she’s decided to just push through the next few weeks, make her money and get gone. Her lovahlovah Tanner stops by the laundry room for a kiss, awww.

Time for docking the giant boat and releasing these ladies into the great beyond! The crew dresses in their whites and heads up above deck to say goodbye. I’m just here to see the thickness of the tip envelope.

Diiiiid the guest just slide by Kate to get to Captain Lee?

Oooohkay maybe not, but how many times do you think Captain Lee hears “O Captain, my Captain” in a charter season? 10? 15?

That envelope is a decent thickness…show us the tiiippppp!!

Oh. I couldn’t stop the TV in time so I heard before I was able to write down a guess. It’s $12,000 USD, which sucks until you realise it was a much shorter trip than usual. Everyone stares at each other, unsure of how to react.

Chef Kevin is completely deadpan, he’s here to make money and right now it doesn’t seem like he’s making much. He is probably doing the most specific and detailed intellectual labour on board, so I get his frustration. Drunky McGhee and her Drunkzilla pals probably would have been okay with fried chicken and french fries, but he’s trying for more and doesn’t feel rewarded. Nobody even clapped, damnit, not once!

Captain Lee gives the crew good news, they will have the next day off at a spa and elephant sanctuary! Wooooo! They just have to work really hard until then.

Tanner’s in his bunk reading texts from his “Mommy”, she called seven times after he doesn’t answer. She calls him “Boo boo” and almost cries talking about how much she loves and misses him. “Don’t get any hookers pregnant” is quite the signoff, innit?

This is sort of like Colin Macy O’Toole from Below Deck Mediterranean’s family, but much much creepier. Sorry, Tanner, I’m sure it’s just editing!

Captain Lee gives the 15 minute Elephant warning, Kate makes everyone wait an extra 15 and then they’re off! Oh wait, first Kate and Kevin have to fight over the wine in the Giant Walkin Fridge (ON A YACHT), he removed it earlier because it was in his space.

Kate takes this personally, she thinks Kevin just likes to oppose her. I’d say Kevin just likes things a certain way and so does she.

All the boys are in one car

, all the girls are in another. Rhylee immediately brings up what Tanner said about going to Chow Town on Simone AND complaining about her lack of reciprocation, just as Tanner is bragging about same in the other car.

Uh huh. Total FLID move. It’s one thing to tell friends, a whole ‘nother level to discuss with your shared co-workers.

Wooooo we’re at Green Elephant Sanctuary in Phuket, Thailand! I love elephants, they’re all chubby and powerful. Most of the elephants in the sanctuary have been rescued from abusive situations. Courtney loves elephants as much as I do! LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE??

My mom made me add that. YOU’RE WELCOME.

They all end up in the mud washing the elephants much more inefficiently than the animals would do themselves, then a quick shower and back to the boat.

Simone takes Tanner out for a chitchat, he apologizes and all is well. Simone runs in and shares all of this with Rhylee, jaysus. There’s just so much oversharing on the boat.

Tanner’s decided that it’s not his fault that Simone is upset about his sharing the intimate details of their fooling around, it’s Rhylee’s for telling Simone.

Tanner discusses with Ashton and Brian, they decide Rhylee’s BroCard has been revoked and now they’re gonna keep all the fun stuff between them! Boooooo

Tanner stays up late drinking his face off, texting Simone at 1:42 am to come to his room. Too bad he’s naked and passed out when she gets there.

It’s spa day, yay! Everyone is ready at 10:30 am except guess who? Kate has to shave downtown while everyone sits around on their phones and waits for her. Okay, her and Rhylee, but Kate’s not rushing for no-body. She opens up some booze, tries on a bikini, does her face, oh yeah, she’s in no hurry.

Ashton lets Kate know that everyone is waiting for her and Rhylee, that doesn’t speed or slow her down. She outranks everyone, screw you, peons! They make everyone wait almost an extra half hour, THEN we’re off!

Tanner didn’t remember texting Simone in the middle of the night, he was confused when he woke up naked next to her with a text message that said “Am I a booty call?”

And we’re at the spa! It’s lovely, almost as beautiful as Brian’s abs, according to Rhylee. Courtney isn’t in any hurry to solidify her situation with Brian but she doesn’t like hearing all the drooling from Rhylee either.

Courtney goes and hangs by Brian while Rhylee rhapsodizes about licking the sweat off his back. With her mouth open. I mean. She’s not interested in a relationship with Brian, but she’d split his wig in a sexual fashion, she’s a hunter.

It’s just Kate and Rhylee over on the other side of the pool, they lay out and eat while everyone else drinks and parties together.

Ashton is looking forward to re-introducing us to his blackout alter-ego Smashton.

Simone has forgiven Tanner, they’re making out in the pool in front of everyone while she talks about how much she likes talking to him and he says he likes her ass.

Two beautiful women dressed in sexy clothing appear and Smashton literally stops everything he’s doing to stare. Then they’re all staring. The women climb up on podiums and dance, I guess the pool is the dance floor?

Smashton gets up and starts dancing in response, which is totally normal, yes siree, to wiggle your hips in a mating dance at people who are getting paid to swivel their hips.

Kate’s getting pleasantly soused in the corner, saying out loud that Ashton should stick to what he’s good at (that was a little…harsh) and ignoring Tanner calling her over to join the group.

Kate finally wanders over to the swimup bar, grudgingly, but Tanner’s doing things like wondering aloud where the dancing girls are and it’s not likely to remain calm for long. Kate inexplicably calls Brian “a real yachtie. I love you” and where the hell did that come from??

The swimup bar, of course!

Tanner sees Ashton dancing with one of the go-go-girls, he tells Simone he wants to dance with the other one. She tells him no, then when he keeps asking in a completely tone-deaf way: “go. Be happy” while she is clearly not.

Ah Simone. This guy is just a party guy, he’s twelve. I hope you’re not too attached already. You deserve better. The dancing girl leaves and Tanner is all over Simone again, who is not having it. Everyone saw him up there trying to grind on the help, she’s mortified.

Tanner works hard to drunkenly get back in Simone’s good graces but he’s f***ed. Everyone heads to the beach for sunset in Thailand! Except Kate. Kevin is schwasted and spends a good part of enjoying the sunset complaining to Brian about Kate treating everyone like a bitch, especially him.

Um erm, we get a full-on closeup of Tanner’s junk as he struggles to put on Brian’s shorts, was that necessary, Bravo? Or like, legal? I guess if we saw blurred buttcrack earlier a little outlining shouldn’t matter but that seemed gratuitous. TANNER.

Kevin’s awake at the end of the night, just for something different, and he’s decided this is when he should lecture Kate about paying her tab. For the record, says Kate, I ALWAYS pay the tab, and I usually pay yours because you’re sleeping, dbag. It’s always her and Ashton paying the tab at the end of the night and she’s pissed that he’s being so disrespectful the one time he’s sort of coherent enough to remember there even is a tab.

Kevin is never one to back away from an argument, ever, so a drunken slurry argument follows. And then they go out for MORE drinks! Yay! But also some food, maybe that will help soak up some of the tequila.

Brian’s discomfort with Tanner has been growing all day, first he’s all over Simone, then all over the dancing girl and now ignoring Simone completely at supper. Brian actually says something to Tanner, wow. That’s probably gonna get his bro card revoked. Tanner understands he’s in trouble, but he’s got one of Captain Lee’s old-timey-isms for us!

Tanner goes back to the table and moves to sit next to Simone, just in time for everyone to get ready to leave.

Um. I think Rhylee and Ashton are getting along anyway, what with the simulated fellatio, cuddling and all.

Kate is super schloaded, she slurs her way through a compliment to Brian, calling him a yachtie over and over as he asks her to please not. He’s very polite but he thinks yachtie is a disrespectful term and he would like her to stop referring to him thus. The conversation goes on until Mr. I Would Never Disrespect A Woman calls Kate “kind of a bitch.”

To her FACE.

Kate is shocked, and that’s not easy to do. She genuinely thought she was complimenting Brian and he calls her a bitch to her FACE?

Kate tries to get out on the van while it’s moving, the Bravo producer even has to caution her to wait. She heads straight into the trees for a smoke while Kevin suggests Rhylee and Simone were up to shenanigans on the trip.

By that I mean he said they were “f***er******g” each other. That’s just…wrong, Kevin. You’re kinda gross right now. You need to go sleep that off and never ever talk about your coworkers like that again.

The guys talk this over and decide that Kate is the problem on the boat and I’m sorry, which boat are you referring to? Hm? Kate is just doing her job, she has a different sense of humour from you and that means you can call her a bitch to her FACE?

Also, everyone is drunk off their tets and needs sleep and water.

Kate is inside having a chat and a beer with Captain Lee when the deck crew files in for more alcoholic beverages. Kate asks Captain Lee what size he is before throwing all the pants next to her on the floor. She specifically states that it’s because they are NOT the Captain’s, but the last six promo shots Bravo showed us heavily edited to look as though she was throwing HIS pants on the floor in front of everyone. That’s total bullshit, Bravo.

There was a moment that gives the temperature an overall maturity of the deck crew. When Ashton entered the crew mess, he gave Captain Lee a hug while staring at Kate, which is a I’m Friends With The Most Important Person Here move aka: Middle School.

Ashton picks up the clothing on the floor in the crew mess and throws them on the table while Kate talks around what Brian said to her. She’s not handling this well, but as Captain Lee well knows: you can’t reason with drunk people.

So just wait until tomorrow, deckies…

Brian apologizes to Kate, looking terrified. Kate runs to her room crying, all bravado gone. Aww you guys. Why is everyone being mean and treating like a public service? That’s just shitty. We’re out.

And those guys better all apologize!! Arseholes. Cheers.