Are you ready to Call and Answer with Veronica and I?? Are you?? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!! Woo hoo, we’re rolling the recap for Game of Thrones S6 episode 5, ahead there be spoilers!

So! Last time, or recently, Arya got her peepers back for pretending to be No-one, Poppa Greyjoy took a spill into the drink and did NOT rise again, Tyrion decided to allow slavery for 7 MORE YEARS in Meereen in Dany’s absence, Ser Jorah of the Friendzone showed Daario his greyscale and all I’m gonna say is that I’d take your greyscale any day any way, Mr. Mormont:

BUT! More importantly, Dany The Unburnt rained fire upon The Patriarchy and burnt the muthafcuking house DOWN in Dothraki and OH! White Walkers! remember White Walkers?? Their leader is like a pointy Moby and they can’t come into the weirwood tree but there’s nowhere else they won’t be headed. Jon and Sansa reunited and we got HISTORY! Hodor could talk! I wish I could get the image of Hodor completely nekkid out of my head, but it’s seared there; making me twitch every time he’s onscreen. Oh and Lord Petryr Baelish is back in town, dashing cape and all.

Sansa has received a letter with a seal I can’t quite make out; how far is Molestown? The letter is from Littlefinger! She meets with him and I was SO GLAD to see Brienne come in after her. HOW is he not dead yet?? Best line: “If you didn’t know (about Ramsay), you’re an idiot. If you did, you’re my enemy.” She forces him to say what he thinks happened to her and there was something almost comical when he said “did he cut you? *deferential head nod* *small wave in her direction* but although she threatens have him killed, he leaves with the upper hand. Her uncle has re-taken Riverrun and he suggests she may need a loyal army. Not just that of her HALF-brother. That is Littlefinger at his best, sidestepping being killed and sowing the seeds of dissension in one fell swoop.

Littlefinger did look slightly ashamed of himself right then, could he really have not known how bad Ramsay really is?? I guess Ramsay has only recently been recognised by Roose and been brought to the forefront of House Bolton. But you can’t tell me that our Mockingbird hadn’t heard something on the grapevine about Ramsay. Having said that, I believe his love for Catelyn was real, and some of that has transferred to Sansa. So I dunno. BUT way to turn things around once again, Lord Baelish! He also has soldiers from The Vale preparing to make the journey to Winterfell, which may not have impressed Sansa to begin with but might come in handy laters. Brienne would chop off his head as look at him, but Littlefinger always makes me think that he has a bit of magic about him and would just shake it off, or disappear into a puff of smoke. MWAHAHAHAHAAA

Oh yay. Arya’s fighting The Waif again; I can’t even say how much I dislike The Waif. I may even start using lowercase letters. She kicks sighted Arya’s arse a few more times, yaaaay, but hey! Arya looks taller all of a sudden! The Waif says Lady Stark will never be one of them, which twigs Ja’Qen. All of the First Faceless Men, aka No-Ones, were slaves, not lords and ladies. Arya’s been given another chance, she’s got to kill an actress in the worst play about Robert Baraetheon’s death EVER. It takes Arya MUCH longer to figure out that’s what’s being satirized. Side note: the actor who plays Joffrey is a fairly good match! And Arya has a pimple, she’s SO aging before our eyes. There are two actresses on stage, one who is topless and Sansa, and one who is blonde and Cersei. SIDE NOTE: DO NOT PAUSE IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT SCENE BECAUSE WE HAVE FULL FRONTAL MALE NUDITY AND IT MIGHT TAKE SEVERAL MINUTES TO STOP LAUGHING.

I thought for a moment that The Waif was gonna get what was coming to her, but no, apparently she’s an MMA fighter. Watch out for arm bars, Arya. I’m getting about over Ja’Qen and his airy fairy booshite, even though he is nice to look at. Why does Arya need to go through all this again? She’s a badass with a stick and a Needle, she doesn’t need to be a Faceless Man for that! I guess she is a young girl alone in a foreign place, but hey she got herself all the way there, she can make it back! 

Also that play, LOL. It just kept going on and on, and I was like am I watching the real GoT, or have I stumbled upon a homemade Youtube video? The enormous dying farts finally brought the play to a fitting end. I’m amazed Arya stood there as long as she did without kneecapping someone, I would obviously make a very impatient Faceless Man.

And no, I am not giffing that dick. I mean seriously, at least get a good looking one. I did not actually need to see those warts in HD. But yay for being STD aware?

It’s the cock of the actor who plays Joffrey, and presumably must be over 18 or I wouldn’t have a working knowledge of his genitalia: two warts! More Fake-Sansa bewbs backstage, looks like the target is the actress who plays Cersei. Later, Arya tries to talk Ja’Qen out of the murder contract; if she wants to follow the Many-Faced God, she’ll get in there, by gods.

She is not very discreet, really. At least look busy while you’re staring so blatantly!

Bran is the in the weirwood tree with the Three-eyed Raven, moar flashbacks, yay! But it’s not Ned Stark again, it’s watching some weird ceremony with the Children of the Forest, sticking a dragon-glass blade inside some half-nekkid dude, are they making White Walkers?? And they look HELLA creepy and they DID!! They DID make the White Walkers! Whuuut??

So they were created for protection, but the Children obviously lost control at some point in time. It is so cool to learn more about the White Walkers. And so WEIRD that most of Westeros and Essos is completely unaware or unconcerned that they have re-emerged. Surely word would have passed down from the North after the battle of Hardhome? At the moment it’s two dudes, a chick, a wolf, a couple of kids and a Tree against the White Walker army?  They don’t even seem too worried at The Wall for crying out loud!

Back in the Iron Islands, it’s throwdown time! Yara stakes her claim to lead, but sexism rears it’s ugly grey head and someone points at Theon instead: the male heir. He steps up and speaks FOR her, yay, “this is your queen!!” And then cries some more. I mean. But no! Their uncle Euron what killed Baelon strides up just then, HE stakes his claim! And he has a penis and everything, so chances are better than even. Do peni help strategize and help people lead? Curious. Um. Euron’s hawt. But Yara knows full well what he did and accuses him of killing his brother, her father. He admits it straight off and says it’s because of Baelon’s ineffectiveness as a leader, taking them nowhere, but ah ha! He has a plan: he’s going to build a large fleet and bring it to Daenarys, along with his outsize genitalia (he managed to mention that Theon is no longer so equipped like seven times) and that’s it: Yara has lost.

Poor Yara, even after that scene that we will never be able to think about without dry retching; she is deserving of becoming Queen. And she pretty much had it, until Uncle Crazy Pants rocked up. He does make a pretty solid case though, having Theon as your adviser is not really something you’d want on your resume. As for meeting up with Daenerys, maybe not as crazy as it sounds. She does have to find a way to get her Dothraki horde to Westeros. Getting them on board those ships may be easier said than done though. I’m picturing them like cats over a bathtub right now.

Euron is sworn in (or drowned? Similar. Drowned then reborn and these Ironborn are NUTS) while Theon and Yara make for the hills and the closest ships. And just like that, the Starks have a great new female leader as an ally who knows how to attack by seas, as well as all the best ships on the Iron Islands. Euron heads off to murder what’s left of his family, undeterred by their defection. “Build me a thousand ships, and I will give you this world.”

Pyke looks so damn cold, I would be getting out of there as soon as I could too. But I’d maybe not head for Winterfell, maybe somewhere slightly more tropical. And less warzone-y. BUT Theon does have a lot to make up for, and get revenge for. Greyjoys ahoy!

There’s like thirty Ironclad there, steady on Euron. A thousand ships? Well sure, if you’ve got about 400 years!

Dany’s overlooking out her new / old home and meeting with Daario and Jorah. She cries when she sees the greyscale, and he tells her he loves her!! He will always love her and he has to go. She will NOT have that, she commands him to heal himself. I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING!!

FINALLY, Dany shows Jorah some love. Tough love, but Ser Friendzone will take anything! And look, if Shireen (lalalalala, didn’t happen) can stop hers from spreading, there’s hope for Jorah. And yes OF COURSE I’M CRYING. Thank God Daario didn’t butt in with a smart arse comment and ruin the moment. 

She rides out, while Tyrion asks Grey Worm for a report on murders in the capital since he implemented his seven year plan. He’s planning to hang this new-found security on priestess Kinvara of the Lord of Light, does NO LANNISTER understand how dangerous it is to involve the clergy in these power struggles?? Hello?? Kinvara is more than happy to help, Daenerys Stormborn is the chosen one of the Lord of the Light. Hey! She has one of those necklaces like Melisandre!

Just as things are going along swimmingly, Lord Varys jumps in: what about Stannis, hey? HE was anointed! And looks where that got him! How and why should they trust HER? I was very glad to hear him speak, other than a wry quip earlier (wherever will we find such a hero?), Varys has been far too quiet. She knows all about him, though, and references the night his “parts” were thrown in the fire: a name was spoken and I’m guessing it was Daneryes Stormborn. We’re all a little freaked out by that flex of knowledge and power by this new priestess. Religion is a scourge, yo.

So this one believes Dany to be Azor Ahai. Well that’s a much better choice than bloody STANNIS! Seriously Melisandre, your credibility is totally blown. I still think it’s Jon Snow though, but there’s some connection with Daenerys and don’t think he’ll get his true power until the two of them are together. And I don’t mean “together” together. That better not happen. EVER.

I think he probably heard the voice of R’hller the Red God and knows that there is something to their religion. For all his scorn, he knows that there are Gods at work in the realm, as much as he wants to be seen as a sceptic.

Bran is off traveling on his own, finding the same valley he visited earlier now covered with snow and White Walkers. He walks amongst them, I’m hoping we see Karsi! Instead we see the leader and suddenly, the Night King can see him! And grab him! How could that happen?? The Night King can also come into the weirwood tree now, which he wasn’t able to do before, because he’s put his mark on Bran. So now, Bran has to become the three-eyed Raven, ready or not.

Nice of the Three eyed Raven to give him to rules AFTER the fact. He knew exactly what the mark from the Night’s King meant, but neglected to warn him earlier? I mean, I know he’s ready for retirement and all, but dude!

It’s wargame time! Ser Davos is laying out their weak spots, which are myriad, but Sansa insists that the North will remember and, by the way, my Uncle Blackfish has an army and they’ve taken Riverrun. How does she know that? Oh Ramsay had a raven, no mention of Baelish, while Brienne swallows her tongue at the lie. I know they’re busy, but I’d kill for a little handsy-footy with Tormund and Brienne! Sorry, sorry. One of their problems is that Jon isn’t technically a Stark, though…what’s the word on that again, V?

It’ll be good to see Blackfish back again, and Edmure Tully will be back too after his disaster of a Red Wedding. So that’s good. The Vale’s troops are also ready and waiting, I can just see Littlefinger at the head of an army arriving TO SAVE THE DAYYYYY! 

As for Jon, he was never formally recognised, unlike Ramsay so he’s still a Snow. Even is he is back from the dead, he’s still a bastard. And he let the Wildings through the Wall which will not be popular. It looks like Jon will probably have to take a back seat to Sansa for a while, but she seems to be totally good with that. Just another thing for Jon to brood about.

OH NO. Sansa wants to send Brienne to Riverrun to talk to Blackfish, do not leave her, Brienne!! Brienne doesn’t want to go, saying she supposes Jon’s all right, “a bit brooding perhaps.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

*breathe*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BRIENNE! As much as I love Tormund, rumours abound that JAMIE will be heading to Riverrun, with Bronn! He will be going to fight The Blackfish, so they’ll be on opposite sides but I would give anything for a Brienne x Jamie reunion, BFFs!

Brienne’s concerned about the trustworthiness of Melisandre and Davos, (she’s got the wrong end of the stick as far as Ser Onion is concerned, but I’d keep an eye on the Red Woman too), but Sansa insists Jon isn’t any of them, he’s Jon. So why did she lie then, asks Brienne? That is the second part of the problem with trusting ANY information from Littlefinger; anything he shares is to his benefit and has created a divide already with Jon, slightly.

Hmmm, I think Littlefinger’s intel is good, and it’s not a bad thing for Sansa to be flexing a bit right now. She’s not the same little girl, she’s well on her way to becoming a great leader and warrior. I’m kinda glad it’s not all about Lord Manbun, that they have someone else they can put at the forefront.

Sansa’s made new wolf-Stark-y clothing for her and Jon, off they ride as Tormund presses his case with Brienne; she rolls her eyes. Edd suddenly realises he IS the Lord Commander, yes, close that bloody gate!

Oh Tormund, I love you so.

Meera is trying to bait Hodor into talking when it suddenly gets very cold in the tree; RUN!! But there is nowhere to run to, the Night King and all the White Walkers are outside and snarling. The Child of the Forest tells Meera to get Bran and RUN! Bran’s visiting his old family flashbacks, though, no time for reality! Only the three leaders can enter the tree, though, the rest are repelled for a little while. Bran in the past finally hears Meera’s pleas for him to warg into Hodor and then those fuckers kill Summer!!! I HATE IT WHEN THEY KILL THE WOLVES!! Then the Night King kills the Raven!! And Bran is still in in the past, in Hodor, as Leaf dies, holding onto a grenade while being torn apart and oh man.

BRAN! You can hear Meera! Why are you not tearing yourself away? And Summer. I thought this was going to be bad once they breached the cave, but WHY WITH THE WOLVES!? The beautiful Summer who kept guard over Bran after his fall, sigh. And then the Raven, and yet BRAN IS STILL THERE! And Leaf, holy shit do we really have to feel every blade go in? FFS Bran you jerk, WAKE UP!

Meera gets through the door dragging a still-gone Bran, leaving Hodor behind to hold the door. Flashback Hodor falls to the ground in a seizure, screaming “hold the door!” and that’s Hodor, isn’t it??? Meera moves away as fast she can dragging Bran, shouting “hold the door!!”, while Hodor holds the door and screams “Hold the door! Hold the Door! Hoodoor!”in the past and it’s just TERRIBLE. He’s torn to pieces in the present and I hate Bran so much right now I feel like I could burst.

I can’t even. I’ve spent all day thinking about whether this means that Hodor has always known what he was destined for. And blown out by the fact that GRR Martin had this planned SO FAR in advance. Poor Hodor is basically stuck in some sort of time loop that I can’t even begin to get my head around. I don’t hate Bran, it’s not his fault, and there is obviously so much more to his powers than we ever thought possible. There’s a kind of beauty in the way that was done, and not once did Hodor shrink from what he was meant to do. Meera Reed is going to prove important as well, I can feel it.

HANG ON . . . WHAT IF HODOR BECOMES A WHITE WALKER!!!??? 

Well that’s it, I don’t feel like adding anything pithy after that bloody scene, goddamn GoTPTSD. Until next week, keep your stick on the ice and remember: rubber side down.

I have no idea what that means, is that hockey talk? I’d just like to say that this season is so bloody brilliant. As much as I never want to watch Game of Thrones again, I can’t wait until next week.