This is it! The last time we’ll see these awesome credits again until next year. Let’s roll the Bachelor in Paradise season three finale to see how many of our four couples are engaged after 5 weeks! That’s enough maths!

Carly and Evan had a great time in their Fantasy Condo (seriously, BiP, you couldn’t spring for a fancy hotel?); I can’t look directly at Evan but Carly looks very happy. She’ll take a proposal, hellz yeah. WHATEVER CARLY, I STILL DON’T BELIEVE YOU TWO BONED. Like, ever

Awww, Evan’s made up a poem about Carly (she’s gluten-free, including barley) but she’s still worried about the Kirked Factor. I’m a little more geeked out that he’s thinking about proposing to someone his kids haven’t met. That seems on the important side of Dating While Having Spawned.

Grant and Lace don’t look as content; Grant is freaking out and that always happens AFTER they sweat out our flips, right? Lace is confused: she can’t play Come Here Go ‘Way with a guy who is going away FIRST, what the hell, Grant? She cries and he sits outside and the music tries to convince us this means something but

Nick and Jen are having breakfast in bed; Jen feels good. Oh Jen. She feels close to Nick, she trusts him, she can see the proposal at the end. This is kind of cruel, hey, Producers? Nick blah blah blahs about something, but we know he’s the next Bachelor, so

Josh and Amanda wake up (in full makeup) and really? She’s thinking the whole not introducing her children to their new dad isn’t important. I won’t harp, but as above: that seems key. I may be just mad that she and her kids sleep in until 8:30. My kids get up at 6 am every non-school day. HKSKJBDHJBS.

Josh’s figured out that this whole kids thing might be tricky; he doesn’t know what’s going to happen. I love how they try to build suspense, but lemme ‘splain this clearly: nobody is walking away from a proffered ring today. Everybody wants to “win” and there’s Janner pressure and basically, we all know everyone but Nick is bending over with diamonds. I mean, they’re bringing in a jeweler, who wants to be a poor sport? Love is in the air!

Neil Lane Jeweler time! Evan’s understand the huge commitment he’s making, whuuuuttt? Grant’s getting a ring just in case (see above) and hahahahaha Neil Lane busts Nick’s balls for being a repeat customer. He should get the fifth one free!

Neil only has three rings and hey! “My gosh it’s Josh!”

For the next 23 minutes: blah blah I don’t know blah blah nervous blah do I see a ring on her finger (if you do, you probably shouldn’t try to stick another one onnit) blah blah what will they do?

OHMIGOD!!! There’s a gay Bachelor show! Who wants to guess how much crossover we’ll get?? Prince Charming is HAWT AF. Woot!

Carly and Evan Rose Ceremony time! Evan: blah blah epic blah wandering path blah special blah *man tears* blah mind blowing. “I feel like my heart beats to your soul” AND WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, EVAN??

He proposes; she accepts and now

*herk*

Grant and Lace Rose Ceremony time! She looks purty, he looks scribbly. She’s nervous, he’s quiet and blah blah blah he proposes, yay! That is SUCH A BAD IDEA but he looks happy! Lace is emotionally 14, so I don’t see this going very well, but there are men who dig having their chains yanked regularly, so

I love that she took a good long look at the ring before she said yes: let’s see how long until she “loses” it!

Nick and Jen time; full disclosure: I went and baked brownies during their segment. Nick looks hella nervous waiting for her and never looks directly at her while she’s doing her sales pitch about their “instant and intense” chemistry. He cries when she’s done; he was hopeful *sniff* about her? *sniff* and he’s a better *sniff* person *sniff* he doesn’t love her. Something is telling him *sniff* to say goodbye *sniff* and “I feel like you deserve better” *sniff* and her face is EVERYTHING.

He walks her out and they hug and he sniffs some more and separate SUVs for all! He stops crying the instant her door closes, I guess dumping her was SUPER hard on him.

Congrats on the Bachelor job, Nick! I guess we’ll be seeing you coming to a Fantasy Suite near us some day soon!

Amanda and Josh Rose Ceremony time! WHAT WILL THEY DO??? Just kidding, they totally get engaged. Of course they did, wouldn’t want Josh to get mad. I am legit worried about this relationship, it has more red flags waving than Austin on the second Sunday in June. This is true love, though, he says that 8 times and then gets down on a knee and she’s SO SURPRISED.

Captions of Truth!!

Cheers y’all! See you next year, thanks for reading and thanks to Reno Blondee for co-recapping with me!