Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise for our second kick at BiP’s can in the SAME WEEK, yay! Let’s see if this episode is the most! shocking! ever!

We open watching Daniel count how many bumps he has in his six-pack; I don’t know if it’s sadder that he can’t count past 5 or that I knew who’s belleh that was. Okay, it’s me, my bad, I’m sorry.

Oh man, I don’t know how much longer I can watch Josh growl while licking the whole inside of Amanda’s mouth, you guys. It’s as though he and Amanda are attached at the philtrum now, she has ceased to exist, except as a vessel for his massive tongue and saliva maker. I just made myself herk a little. I get it, though. Josh is very confident without being aggressive or threatening and some women think that’s the sign of a Man’s Man (Carly, you get that?), so there’s that. I prefer men that can use whole sentences and don’t refer to themselves as animals in the third person, but that’s just me.

Daniel tries to wind Nick up to take a swing at Josh, but what’s Nick gonna say? “She liked me until she met you! Givver back! She’s MY chattel!!” would probably work, but maybe try to throw in a Hitler reference; very trendy these days (The Magicians, The Bachelorette).

Like. Amanda is LAYING on Josh, right next to where everyone is and they are necking like two kids in a Kissing Contest (but not like whatever the hell Carly and Evan did last night), continuous lip contact and no sexual energy. I’m sorry, you’re all over someone you don’t know? You’re trying to remove clothing or you’re being paid by the hour.

Daniel literally rubs his hands together in interview, thinking about all the dramz ahead.

Now Daniel’s moved on to “solidifying the deal” with Sarah, he’s so awful. He’s phoning it in as far as talking “waiting for her his whole life” and “I know you like me” and can they stop showing him so much? I do not find him attractive and he’s making Canadians look bad, eh! Actually, we mostly say hey? with that little upspeak tic at the end, as though we need to be constantly reassured that we are being heard, you know? Yeah

New guy time! Christian arrives and he looks like a cross between The Rock and Chow Yun Fat, but with better teeth.

All the girls think he’s cute, all the men try to pretend they aren’t threatened, good times are had by all. He’s real purty and he has a date card! He likes Sarah and Amanda right off the jump, but wisely (sadly for us) decides to ask all the menz before dropping his card on any lovely blonde lady nearby.

Ah and now we get that condescending comment in all the promos from Josh in context and it makes sense. He was advising Christian about his relashie status with Amanda, not Nick, as the promos would have you think. “Things are going good with Amanda, we have a good connection so I don’t think you’re going to get very far, just saying.” That’s decent (if arrogant) advice for Christian, waving a huge red banner in front of Nick, all makes sense now!

Daniel pipes up and says he’s into Sarah, so that’s who Christian asks to talk to. Daniel thinks it would be very sad for Christian if he asked Sarah out, it’s like Daniel’s eyes don’t work or something. Christian is FOINE AF. Sarah says her and Daniel are just “hanging out” and SURE, she’d love to go on a date!

I call producer shenanigans, because Christian is very young and very conventionally handsome and Sarah looks like the group House Mom with her greasy roots. I thought she was cool and smart… but she’s back on this show, so… Also, how can anyone see ANYONE in the dark? He was pointed at her.

Daniel pouts and goes to bed early, he can’t BELIEVE it! Hey?

The next morning, Nick and Daniel lay out on a daybed together, just “two guys. With no shirts” and that’s not unusual at all *cut to Evan walking by looking at them*. The two bros discuss the Carly / Evan sitch, Carly’s been shit-talking all over town and I said it last time: gurl. Tell HIM you don’t dig him. Don’t make jokes about him on national TV (and laugh at them yourself) and complain to everyone else about how effeminate he is and oh my gawwww he just likes you so muuuucchhh and what are you gonna dooooooo? You’re 30. Deal.

Daniel thinks the real problem is that Evan needs to be less…”Evan-ish” and well, I SUPPOSE we could call that Evan-ish, but I’d just rather call it a raging Bagina-Allergy.

Carly and Evan are doing the Grease thing, telling the story of the Longest, Hottest Kiss Contest in slightly different ways: Evan: it was the perfect kiss. Carly: it was so gross.

Carly has the clarity she needs; she’s going to stop making fun of Evan with “friends” and with us in interview (throwing in a couple of parting shots “he gives me erectile dysfunction” and “he needs to concentrate on ladyboners”) and talk to him in person.

It’s like, so haaarrrrrd, someone likes her and she has to break off their 48-hour relationship and it’s gonna be so saddddd for HER

Remember when you were 30 and you thought that making fun of someone who dug you was really, really hard on YOU, and not just a matter of miscommunication you could clear up by adulting and telling someone nicely TO THEIR FACE? I actually do remember that, sigh. Having nothing in your life means you gotta werk for that dramz!

She throws Ser Evan into the FriendZone, she’s like a “little heartbroken” that she feels that way, but last night she realised she did. He needs some alone time.

Jared wanders over to get the skinny, then they laugh and make fun of her throwing up on her date and I think Evan’s within hearing range so stay klassy you two.

It’s very haaaard for him (an odd camera shot had me checking just that), he hadn’t felt that way about anyone in a long, long time and he still has those feelings, even though he’s in the FriendZone. I’m so worried he doesn’t know that he’s gay. I mean, I get it if he’s getting that kwan, but $10 says the reason he was comfortable with Carly is that she’s got bearding experience.

Evan-ish stares out at the ocean while the camera lingers on his sad, sad face

Jared asks for suntan lotion so Nick helps him out and Grant rubs Nick down. I have seen this movie!! It’s called Where The Girls Aren’t 7. Big fan, 4/5 Ladyboners.

Carly talks to Daniel about the situation while Evan cries in his room. Daniel doesn’t help, calling her a “shit-hawk” causing all the “shit storms” and it’s like he can’t help himself, you know? He sure hopes Sarah isn’t HAVING ANY FUN

Well. On the date with Christian, the card mentioned falling, so what do you think that means? Cliff diving? Parachuting out of a perfectly good airplane? Nope, ziplining (how Biggest just broke his arm, 3 days into summer holidays – all better now!), followed by rappelling down a sheer rock cliff.

Did I mention that Sarah has one and a half arms?

Christian is super supportive, he loves how she’s trying and doing a great job and most importantly: not complaining. He says sexy three times in ten seconds and I know there is someone for everyone, and I am NOT ageist, but she looks like his mom and I am not picking up ANY of this sexy, sexy connection he swears he is feeling.

What about Sarah and Nick? He’s a tough guy to read, quiet and likes to keep his cards close to his chest but he can speak in full sentences when provoked.

Evan’s trying to find a path forward; should he just pack his bags or try again, what should he do? I say get drunk and plant one on Daniel, he’s joked about it enough, I’d say he’d be down for a little rumpy pumpy.

Oh and we have another new guy! This is Brandon, from Desiree’s season and he looks like a blonde Randy Travis.

Chris Harrison pretends to not know him, so Brandon has to say he wasn’t very memorable (which made my cold black heart “awww” a little), but he was wearing a thong in a Souja Boy music video, so here’s a date card! Get in there, Tiger!

Nobody recognises him, they think he might be a crew guy they haven’t met yet (too much hair product) but Carly doesn’t curr, he’s a dude and shes getting in there! She RUNS over and it turns out he was on The Bachelorette the same season as Carly’s brother. She would like some of that on a platter, pleez. $10 bucks says he asks one of the twins.

He talks all the women for talks, starting with Haley, then Carly, who calls the twins boring and they’re ALL boring, Carly. That’s not the point here. This is not Personality Island, where: let’s face it, you and I would RULE, but a floating Silicone Valley filled with extensions, fake lashes and orange people. Brandon picks Haley for the date. Also, Carly was pretty boring in her talk.

Emily’s drinking and oh my gaawww she thinks a plantain is a banana and hahahahaha it’s so FUNNY and will she try to get it in her mouth like the banana eating contest she held with her sister? What follows is 5 minutes of Emily feigning intoxication while I wonder why I didn’t finish university. Maybe if I had, I’d be an actual writer and not someone forcing herself to sit through this shite. It ends with Jared rubbing her shoulders while standing behind her and her saying “I’m pretty tight, right” and I THINK she was talking about her hair they just braided, right?

Christian thinks it’s just so “hot”, so “sexy”, holding onto Sarah and you’re overselling it, dude. But then he says he’s excited to be that man for her, to be supporting her and maybe he has a hero complex. That would explain how he was waxing ecstatic about her being able to rappel. Look how good she’s doing!! Head pats all around!

I should start a drinking game; every time Christian says sexy, everyone take a shot! They’re at the waterfall now (I know that waterfall! Third year running! Check for cooties), more “sexy” (shot!) and pecks on the lips – if you think she’s that sexy, give her some tongue! But not the Josh way. Never the Josh way.

Christian and Sarah get back to Playa Escondido and tell everyone about their date. Daniel’s practically green but Sarah and I don’t get it. They’ll talk later. Blah blah Daniel eagle blah going in for the kill tonight blah.

Josh and Amanda are licking each other’s mouths again on a daybed next to everyone else. I still don’t understand how they can kiss that long and not bone. It’s not as though kissing is only for boning, but all they’re doing is getting chapped lips;  zero passion. I seriously flinch every time I see Josh’s big ol’ tongue swab out the inside of Amanda’s oral cavity.

Nick has no idea where he’s gonna get a rose from and I don’t either. How about Carly? She’s just hanging in there to see what fresh meat with an eye for Interesting comes in.

Daniel’s made his move; he’s not waiting for a date card, he “paid some local” to get him champagne and chocolate-dipped strawberries and I don’t know why EVERYONE doesn’t do that. You’re in Mexico! Go on a date whenever you like!

Sarah calls it “cute” and “sweet” and aww he cracks her up! Maybe he’s got charisma in person, when you can’t hear him call all the women dogs. He gets all deep. He loves that she respects him coz then he respects her and this is a non-conversation and I’m starting another drinking game with the word “weird” after she says it 8 times in a row.

She thinks it’s so “sweetest thing ever” that he was jealous over her date *headbang headbang headbang* but she thinks it would have been more fun with him. In interview she fights with herself over this weird (shot!), weird (shot!), weird(shot!) weird (shot!) guy or this perfect guy and it’s all weird (shot!), okay?

Ohhhhhh he says he would kiss her but he thinks he’s getting a cold. They joke about getting the Zika virus (PEOPLE DIE, AHOLES!!) while we now know for sure he doesn’t like her. Has he kissed anyone?

Time for Haley and Brandon’s date! Ah and Haley and Emily are playing their own game, it’s The Parent Trap, but with the Boobsie Twins. They call it the switcheroo, and they haven’t done it before but Brandon doesn’t care, he for sure can tell them apart.

He cannot tell them apart.

To be fair, if I was on a date with someone I just met and they switched out with their twin brother how would I know? Emily and Haley think it’s a hilarious test, I think it’s a dick move. Sure, THEY can tell each other apart, but it’s like those intense vinyl music Stans: only they can tell when the trumpeter used a new muffler, so Haley wasted a whole date to play shenanigans with her sister. On a show about dating. Those wacky twins!

Evan-ish is working through his emotions about Carly and deciding that it’s time to talk to Amanda! He was intimidated by her before (so he settled for approachable Carly? Me and Carly need to go for dranks) but now he’s going for it! I’m sure he totally has a chance with the woman who has been using Josh’s nose as life support this past 24 hours.

HE WRITES HIMSELF A NOTE. He wrote himself a note giving himself permission to ask Amanda to his treehouse and damnit, he “deserves love” and writing that makes him cry. I mean. I’m glad he’s stretching out of his comfort zone, but NOBODY deserves love. It’s not a reward for penance or a prize to attain. It’s a feeling. So is nausea, for the record and I DON’T DESERVE NAUSEA, EVAN, so shhhhh.

We’re out to Evan approaching Amanda and Josh, I’m sure this will go just how Evan envisioned it on his Dream Board.

Okay, next time it will be Renoblondee for realsie reals, she’s all done her fambly commitments and caught up on Big Brother and ready to ROCK THIS next week, woot! Like, probably. Cheers, y’all!